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Features Writer
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OP
Features Writer
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 814 |
Well, I know it's a bit weird, but let me know what you think.
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Kerth
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Kerth
Joined: Apr 2003
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"Practice up your shielding spells...and remember to duck if you see green light coming your way." Harry Potter to Wizengamot in OotP trial A Bad Week in the Wizengamot
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
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lol, Shayne  Great vision of this future "utopia" and I like the way you use it to explain Tempus's first few unplugged days. And once he gets out of this cell, he'll be ready for more elaborate strategies. Cool. PJ
"You told me you weren't like other men," she said, shaking her head at him when the storm of laughter had passed.
He grinned at her - a goofy, Clark Kent kind of a grin. "I have a gift for understatement."
"You can say that again," she told him.
"I have a...."
"Oh, shut up."
--Stardust, Caroline K
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Jan 2004
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That was different! "Headnet" - what a scary thought that is! Yikes.
And we thought Big Brother was bad.
You could do a sequel to this..........
/me loves sequels!
Chris
"Together we are stronger than each of us is apart"
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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Ooooh. I like! Very thought-provoking, Shayne. I've probably said that way too many times already, but the idea of Utopia has always disturbed me because I feared it would be like what Tempus describes in your piece. I particularly like the idea that he lost all sense of reality. But I've got a complaint! This would be so fantastic in a long, convoluted story where you'd show us Tempus's character through several scenes of the kind! I know you've been very busy lately, but by all means try to find sometimes to feed your hungry readers a long story where you give us that kind of revealing scenes. Kaethel
- I'm your partner. I'm your friend.
- Is that what we are?
- Oh, you know what? I don't know what we are. We kiss and then we never talk about it. We nearly die frozen in each other's arms, but we never talk about it, so no, I got no clue what we are.
~ Rick Castle and Kate Beckett ~ Knockout ~
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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Very nice.
I like the different premise!
~Liz
Lois: Can I go?
Clark: No.
Lois: Oh come on, Clark, why do we go through this? We both know I’m going to go.
Clark: Then why do you ask?
Lois: I’m trying to be nice.
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Hi, Great story.  MAF
Maria D. Ferdez.
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Don't like Luthor, unfinished, untitled and crossover story, and people that promises and don't deliver. I'm getting choosy with age.
MAF
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Cool, I like. Ending packed a good punch for me. JD
"Meg...who let you back in the house?" -Family Guy
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Merriwether
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Merriwether
Joined: Apr 2003
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Very clever premise! I'm not sure I agree entirely with Kae. While I would certainly like to see a longer Shayne-fic, this works really well as a short. Sort of a quick one-two punch. 
Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you, like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says, "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly.
- Under the Tuscan Sun
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Shayne A fantastic premise!  Tricia 
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Nice, Shayne!
An interesting, thought-provoking view of Utopia. Maybe Tempus isn't that bad, after all?
I, too, think it works great as an one-parter.
But keep writing nonetheless!
See ya
AnnaBtG. (computer addict - literally speaking)
What we've got here is failure to communicate...
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Hack from Nowheresville
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Hack from Nowheresville
Joined: Apr 2003
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Excellent, Shayne!  Mere
A diabolically, fiendishly clever mind. Possibly someone evil enough to take over the world. CC Aiken, Can You Guess the Writer? challenge
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Kerth
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Kerth
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 2,380 Likes: 1 |
Now that's a real "short-story"; one that says a lot in a very few lines and really packs a wallop.
Nan
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
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Features Writer
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OP
Features Writer
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 814 |
I really appreciate the feedback. Chris, Headnet is a scary idea, but it's only a logical extrapolation of today.
We've all known people who seem to have cell phones permanently attached to their ears, and now phones are more and more being connected to the web. I've seen parties with younger people where everyone was talking on their cell phones to people not there and no one was 'in the moment'.
Helene, I'm not sure the story could be maintained throughout a longer format. This story is devoid of much of Tempus's usual sense of irony and humor; that could be explained as mental exhaustion for the moment.A larger story, though would have to change.
Anna, always remember the source. Tempus doesn't like to think that he's all bad, but then, most people don't. As Maria says, people can justify almost anything to themselves so they can do what they want.
Thank you all for the feedback. It's been a while since I've had any. Of course, I guess I have to write for that to happen...
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
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Very nice!
Sort of a twist on Minority Report and an episode of the Outer Limits where everyone was connected to the internet via a hardware in their head.
An interesting spin on things.
Much better than what I have been working on for more than 3 years, which will probably never see the light of day...
James
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Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
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Awesome Shayne! Loved it! I like having new ideas for why villians do what they do and that just made so much sense
Marns
~pobody's nerfect
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