*yay* Found the bit in Roads Apart where Clark contemplated all that which Lois is thinking after she saw the Talan-vid
The memories of the one night he'd spent with her weren't
enough. They couldn't banish the darkness in him. They couldn't
pull him out of the depths of his despair anymore. He needed
more. He needed to feel her skin against his, to hear her heart
beat, to let her help him forget his pain and his doubts and his
fears. Instead, he spent night after night alone, being torn to
ribbons by his nightmares. He hadn't had a single decent night's
sleep in months. He was fraying and coming apart at the seams.
He needed to bury his pain and his loneliness. He needed to let
the poison out of his soul before it welled up and spilled over.
If he couldn't go numb, if he couldn't just shut off the pain,
why couldn't he at least blot it out for a little while? Why
couldn't he just forget, even if only for a moment, how much
this hurt? Why couldn't he know a few moments of peace and
contentment? Why couldn't someone help him forget?
What exactly was he asking himself? Was he honestly thinking
about seeking solace in another woman's arms? Could he actually
be thinking that? Then again, how hard could it be to break his
wedding vows? He was a powerful man, wasn't he? And reasonably
good looking; women had been drawn to Superman. But then,
Superman had never been reduced to a pathetic shell. Still, he
was surrounded by attractive women who seemed to like him well
enough. If he stopped to think about it, his loyal general
commander, for one, was a breathtakingly beautiful woman. He
wouldn't have survived without her; he relied on her friendship
and her support, why not this as well? Why not push things
beyond, into the realm of the completely inappropriate? She was
the one who kept him from going numb, after all. She'd claimed
that she wouldn't be responsible for making him less human. Why
it was that she'd taken the responsibility for protecting his
humanity wasn't clear to him. But he realized that she probably
saw him with nothing but pity. He wondered derisively if she
pitied him enough.
He rubbed his throbbing temples. He wasn't looking for comfort
or solace or even a warm body to break the freefall. He was
contemplating emotional suicide. He was looking to kill the last
decent thing inside himself, hoping that if it were gone, he'd
be able to resign himself to his fate. He'd be able to give up
without regrets or remorse. In a sense, he'd already given up.
He'd prayed for death. He'd prayed to be able to leave his wife,
alone on another world, a trillion miles away. The man he'd once
been would have endured anything just to keep fighting to make
it back home. The man he'd become had forgotten the most
important promise he'd ever made. Now, if he could bring himself
to commit the last betrayal, if he could convince his body to
become as much a traitor as his soul had, he'd be free. There
was no doubt in his mind that if he did it, he'd die on New
Krypton.
Something deep inside him, though, reviled the thought of
touching another woman the way he'd touched Lois. Even if she'd
never know, even if she lived the rest of her life thinking he'd
died an honorable man, he would know. His love for her was the
last good and pure thing about him. He couldn't let go of that.
It was all he had left.
That was a great part as usual. I sure hope that the safe isn't an omen of some sort.
Michael, looking forward to seeing the fallout of the latest non-communication
