“I can’t believe it. That poor man.”
“What man?” asked Clark.
“Superman.” She saw surprise in Clark’s eyes. “He comes here to help, and now this. Can you imagine how he must feel, Clark?”
Somehow I just can't imagine Lois saying this--not if she knows. I think some of the dialogue needs to be tweaked a bit--just like you did when you started writing the season 1 stuff.
"Sold! To Miss. . .” the auctioneer checked the list, “Lana Lang.”
NOOOOO!
“Mmmn,” was her only comment as she took another sip. She set her glass down. “I was saving for Tahiti. But a date with Superman. That would have been a real adventure. Oh, Clark,” she moaned. “He doesn’t even know I’m alive. Maybe it was stupid of me to think that he cared.”
This is another line that doesn't sound right. You wrote such brilliant dialogue in the first several sections. I know you felt you couldn't write better than the show's original writers, but they weren't writing this particularly story. You need to make it your own. Unfortunately, this line doesn't work for me.
“Okay, now open your eyes. The rest of the way, I mean.” She should have known that he would know she was cheating.
Like this! This is truly cute!
“What’s wrong with that? It’s really nice to be with someone from Smallville. I am really enjoying my life and job here, but I’ve been away from home and it’s just nice to have someone to talk to about it.”
What about me, Clark? You could have talked to me. She knew that he sometimes got lonely, and she made an effort to spend time with him, even outside of work. Apparently, it was just another area in which she wasn’t enough for him.
This is so poignant. <sniffle, sniffle>
I really like it when you take Lois and Clark back to Smallville. It's like you get back to your own story--the story I've grown so attached to.
There was no point in her staying, she thought, as she returned to her bedroom. It had always been like this. They called her family, but she wasn’t really. She wasn’t “in” on the secret. At least now she knew what the secret was.
You nailed it, here. Lois wants so much to belong--and she almost does, but not quite.
Lois squeezed her tighter and said in a whisper. “Thank you, Rachel. If you ever breathe a word of this to anyone, especially the Kents, I’ll deny it, but Clark, he’s the one, Rachel. He may never look at me, but his face is the face I want in my head.” Rachel’s arms tightened around her in acknowledgement, and they stood there together, tears running down their faces as they watched Clark hug his parents over and over.
Beautiful!
Elisabeth
who hopes you realize that I'm being hard on you precisely because I love this story so much
