Hi Barbara,
Part of the reason I felt like an android was that I was grieving for the non-special-needs counterpart to my son that never was. (That is, I was mourning for all the good things my son would never experience in this life, and all of the pleasures that I, too, would never have.) I knew that my real-life son needed me to be there for him, and to shower him with love and smiles, not to mention to see to his physical, emotional, and developmental well-being. Between needing to be positive for him and being so busy, I couldn’t really let myself feel. The exception was Sunday nights. All other nights of the week, I would do necessary chores until late and then collapse in bed exhausted and fall asleep almost instantly. My Sunday chores finished early — around 8:00pm or so. Once my son was in bed, I would go to bed early and let myself really feel. Many a Sunday night in the first few years of his life, I would cry myself to sleep.
Was this an emotionally healthy way to live? Absolutely not. But I did what was necessary for both of us to survive as best we could.
I can relate to your bus ride. When my son was younger, I actually looked forward to dental visits. I loved having the time in the dental chair free of responsibilities. And just being able to lie down and close my eyes in the middle of the day was indeed heavenly.
My life is at a much saner pace now. I’ve processed my emotions, and I am back to dreading dental appointments. In short, I am feeling human again.
