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Why I Ought to Trust You
Part Three of the “At the Beginning With You” trilogy
By: ksarasara and lovetvfan
Authors' Note: It all started one day when lovetvfan needed a break from her current, novel-length WIP. So she was looking for a short distraction. Meanwhile, over on the L&C Fanfic MBs, QueenoftheCapes had just created and posted a newfangled Title Generator (https://www.lcficmbs.com/ubb/ubbthreads.php/topics/291078/title-generator-challenge#Post291078). Well, lovetvfan clicked and clicked again...until something clicked. This title. And then she told KSaraSara and showed her the first few heartbreaking lines. Neither of them remember how the exact conversation went down, but it was decided that lovetvfan would write the angst and then KSaraSara would fix it in the companion piece. Somehow, the plan changed to include a triptych of vignettes: angst (lovetvfan), angst (KSaraSara), resolution (lovetvfan & KSaraSara).

Please enjoy our short, angsty journey, and let us know what you think!

Summary:
Lois and Clark have some pretty painful conversations during Barbarians at the Planet and House of Luthor. It seems like all they can do is hurt each other, and you can only wonder what’s going on in their heads as they’re taking turns breaking each others’ hearts. And what are they planning to do with all these feelings and all this hurt? This is the conclusion to their story.

Part 1: Lois

I almost lost you the other day.

I came so close.

I almost married him. Lex Luthor. The man I thought could fix everything. Could fix us.

Almost.

I stood there, in my beautiful white wedding dress – the kind of dress I had always imagined wearing, just like in a fairy tale. Only this one had become a nightmare. I guess most fairy tales are, aren't they?

And this one was. Standing in that massive church with all those people waiting to hear me say “I do”.

Only I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. I looked at him, and all I could see was you.

Your face when I told you I was engaged.

Your anger when I wouldn't listen when you were warning me about him.

Your eyes when you told me you loved me.

You were right about him, of course.

You were right about everything.

I ought to have trusted you.

He was everything you said he was. A criminal. A killer. A monster.

I almost married a monster. That's how it goes in fairy tales isn't it? The monster kidnaps the princess and the prince comes to save her.

Only this princess can save herself. And I did. But at what cost?

I thought I was doing the right thing.

And I almost drove you away completely.

I don’t even know how this happened.

How I ended up so far away from where I wanted to be. From you.

I thought that I could make things like they were between the two of us.

Best friends.

Partners.

But that can’t happen, can it? Things can never be like they were again. And I’m not sure I want them to be.

I’m not sure I want to go back to pretending. And I don’t think you could. I know now that my plan to keep you close only drove you further away.

Because I didn’t trust you.

You told me you loved me and I didn't trust you.

I believed you, of course. One look in your eyes and there could be no doubt.

But I didn’t trust you to mean it. At least, not in the way it really matters. To be by my side every day. To hold me, listen to me, fight with me and make up with me. The every day stuff. The stuff of life. I thought you'd run, but all you've ever wanted was to stay. I didn't trust you to stay.

To have and to hold.

I ought to have trusted you. I shouldn't have given up on you.

Because you never gave up on me.

Perry told me after the wedding. He told me the way you fought for me. Even after you walked away. Even after there was nothing left to fight for. You never gave up.

The prince tried to save the princess after all.

But is it too late? When you walked away, did you mean it? Or is there a chance?

I broke your heart. And your trust. I was supposed to be your partner and your best friend and when you needed me the most, I wouldn't listen.

I hurt you, just like I knew I would.

And now the Planet is back and I have everything I had before. Everything that ever meant a damn to me.

Except you.

I can't expect you to put yourself out there again. Not after I hurt you so very much.

So if we stand a chance at all. I have to be the one to take the risk. To trust.

I have to trust you meant it when you said you wanted to love me.

In sickness and in health.

I have to tell you how I feel and hope you'll show more mercy to me than I did to you. More trust.

And when I see you standing there smiling at me, I think it might not be so hard to tell you. To try. That's what you did after all.

And then you speak. You're looking at the Planet sign but I know you're speaking to me. Or maybe I just hope.

"I've never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life."

There's a softness in your voice – a tone you use only with me. For me. I realise you've been telling me you love me ever since we met. Begging me to trust you.

I realise that I can't do anything else. I can't go back to just being your friend. Not after hearing you say you love me over and over again.

I need to trust you and so I tell you.

"You never gave up. On the Planet, on you friends." I take a deep breath and meet your eyes. The ones I couldn't look at before. "On me."

Something in your expression tells me you understand. The wariness you've been carrying around with you fades and I see you. I see you start to trust me again too and I'm hopeful.

"I couldn't," you tell me and I know now you're right. You may have walked away but you never gave up. It's not in you to retreat. "You've just named almost everything in the world that's precious to me."

I can't speak. Can't breathe. For a moment all I can do is look at you. At the easiness with which you tell me I'm precious. At the nakedness of the love I see in your eyes. I want to kiss you. I'm overwhelmed with the need to.

But I have to tell you first. You have to know. So we can rebuild. So the prince and princess can save each other.

"I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like you."

And immediately after I say it, I know how inadequate those words sound. How clumsy compared to your words of love. Of trust.

"Lois…" you start to speak again and I know that I need to tell you now. There will be no tomorrow and yesterday was too late. I need you to know I trust you. That this is forever for me.

Till death do us part.

But for real this time.

So I place my hand on your chest and I feel the way your heart quickens ever so slightly. Have I always had this effect? I used to find every excuse to touch you.

"Let me go first," I plead. I never plead and something in your eyes tells you to relent…to let me have my way one more time.

You nod and look at me hopefully. Trusting me. And I find myself trusting you too. The way I should have all along. I take a breath.

"I love you, Clark." I swallow the tears that threaten. "I love you."

Can this fairy tale have a happy ending? Or a new beginning?

*****
Part 2: Clark

I almost lost you to him the other day.

I came so close.

You almost married him and I wasn't there to save you. I guess you didn't need saving after all. At least that's what everyone said, that you'd told him you couldn't before the cavalry arrived.

I should be grateful. Relieved beyond belief. And I am.

But I'm also tired. So tired. And not because I almost died.

I'm not sure what to do with you anymore. I know how that sounds.

But you still have my heart. And it doesn't seem like you know what to do with it.

I can't even be entirely sure that you know you have it. Even though I told you. And you said you knew, you guessed you knew.

So what do I do with you, the keeper of my broken heart?

Maybe I ought to trust you. Maybe I ought to trust that you wouldn't do anything to harm it further. But I don't think I can.

I thought I was doing the right thing when I told you the truth. I thought that maybe the offer of my heart would be enough. You said you needed me...partners...friends...but nothing more. I guess you didn't need me that much.

I wasn't an attractive enough offer without the other suit and the flashy powers.

Maybe I ought to trust that your feelings run deeper than that, that you're not that shallow.

I don’t even know how this happened.

How I ended up so far away from where I wanted to be. From you.

I could have said yes if I'd wanted to. That, yes, there was hope for us. That I was so completely in love with you too. But I said no.

Because I didn't trust you.

You told me you loved me and I didn't trust you.

I believed you...that you thought you loved me. One look in your eyes was almost enough to make me question my resolve.

But I didn't trust you to mean it. At least, not in the way it really matters. Because how could you love the man in the suit like an ordinary man? Did you expect that he'd be by your side every day. To hold you, listen to you, fight with you and make up with you? The everyday stuff? The stuff of life?

I tried to offer you that hours earlier and you didn't want it. Didn't want me. The ordinary man underneath the suit.

You would have been so disappointed to find out. And I wouldn't have been able to handle a third heartbreak.

So what do I do with you now?

I need to just make things like they were between the two of us.

Best friends.

Partners.

Things can never be like they were again, at least not for me. No matter how much I want them to be.

But if I take it back...then maybe...maybe I could go back to pretending. That there's nothing more between us than just friends. You could. Easily, I'm sure. Since I'm not even sure you know you have my heart. I know now that my plan to keep you close only drove you further away.

I never gave up on you. Trying to save you. But in the end, I wasn't there, and you saved yourself.

Good for you. I think you needed it to be you who saved you.

You never needed me the way I need you. And I love you for it. I do.

Your independence is one of your best qualities. And your strength. Your resilience.

I'm glad to see you have them back. I wish you'd found them sooner. Before everyone had to get hurt. Before we had to break each others' hearts.

And now the Planet is back and I have everything I had before. Everything that ever meant a damn to me.

Even you. And I have hope that maybe it can be back like it was before. Partners. Friends. Best friends.

We can get back there. I ought to trust you that much, especially when I see you standing there smiling at me.

You're so beautiful and my broken heart still loves you. It always will.

I want to tell you how beautiful you are right here, right now in this moment when it feels like everything is back to normal and I can pretend again that I haven't said the words aloud yet. When I can still imagine that one day there could be a happily ever after.

I can't help myself, but I can't look at you. I look at the Planet sign and pray that you can't tell I'm speaking to you.

"I've never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life."

I realize that I can't do anything else. I can't go back to the way things were if I don't take it back. It's the only way I can think of to save what's left of my broken heart. The only way I can keep you in my life, because without you I am lost. I need you.

"You never gave up. On the Planet, on you friends," you tell me. You meet my eyes and I'm lost in them. "On me," you add.

"I couldn't," I tell you. "You've just named almost everything in the world that's precious to me." It slips out. But I have to tell you.

And I worry as I get lost in your eyes. My heart is in my throat and I need to look away but I can't. I know I've been left bare and I'm back there that day in the park. Before I told you the truth and before you broke my heart.

And I want to keep it there. I want to go back to that. I want to undo it so that I don't have to feel the hurt as much.

I ought to trust that look in your eyes right now, the something in your expression that's telling me you understand. Somehow. Even though you can't possibly. Since I'm not even sure you know you have my still-broken heart.

"I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like you," you tell me.

And you have no idea. No clue how right you are. And I know that I need to tell you now, to take it back now. Before I get lost in your eyes again and it's too late to take it back.

I can't speak. Can't breathe. For a moment all I can do is look at you. At the nakedness of the love I see in your eyes. I dare to hope it's real, I ought to trust you. I want to kiss you. I'm overwhelmed with the need to.

But I have to tell you first. You have to know. So we can rebuild. So the prince and princess can save each other.

I need you to know. I need you to believe me when I tell you I would have done anything to keep you from marrying Luthor. And I need you to believe the lie I'm about to tell you so that we can go back to the way things were.

So I can keep you with me and we won't have to hurt each other any more. I want what you want. Friends. Partners. Forever.

"Lois..." I start to speak, but then you place your hand on my chest and steal my breath. Is this how you stole my heart?

"Let me go first," you plead. You never plead and something in your eyes tells me you need this. That I need to relent…to let you have your way one more time. Because I could never tell you no anyway.

I nod and look at you hopefully.

"I love you, Clark," you say, stealing my breath and my heart again. Somehow. Even though you've already stolen it. "I love you."

"I love you too." The words spill out. Even though it's not at all what I meant to say. I can't help it.

I stare at you and wait. Frozen and praying that this is different. It has to be different. Please let it be different. Because I'm wearing the right suit and you said I love you. Twice.

I see the tears well up in your eyes. I can hear your heart like a trip hammer in your chest. "Y-you do?" she stutters, like I didn't just say it. Like she wants desperately to trust me but needs me to meet her halfway.

"I would do anything for you." I can't stop the words from coming out now. "You know that. I'd get you the moon if you asked for it."

"I want it," she blurted.

"The moon?" I ask because I need time to process. This is all so quick and I know I ought to trust her but I think I need to hear it again.

"You. I want you."

I ought to trust you but I have to ask. "Partners?"

"Yes."

"Friends?" Is it everything? I need to know.

"Yes."

"Best friends?" I ought to trust you but I need to hear you say it.

"Yes."

I can't breathe again, and I'm sure you've got my heart. You've always had my heart. And I'm not sure you know you have it.

"Me?"

"Always."

You said always. And everything in your body language and voice tells me that you mean it.

That you love me too. That you have my heart and you know you have it.

And I know I was right to trust you. Because you kept it safe and repaired the damage.

You trusted me. You, the keeper of my heart.

And now I need to trust you one more time.

Because I can't love you as half a man.

You have my whole heart and so you need to know all of me.

I take a deep breath.

"There's something I need to tell you. Can we talk somewhere?"

"Always," you say. And there it is again. A promise. A vow.

You say it and I believe you. You are where I begin and end.

Always.