Authors' Note: It all started one day when lovetvfan needed a break from her current, novel-length WIP. So she was looking for a short distraction. Meanwhile, over on the L&C Fanfic MBs, QueenoftheCapes had just created and posted a newfangled Title Generator (
https://www.lcficmbs.com/ubb/ubbthreads.php/topics/291078/title-generator-challenge#Post291078). Well, lovetvfan clicked and clicked again...until something clicked. This title. And then she told KSaraSara and showed her the first few heartbreaking lines. Neither of them remember how the exact conversation went down, but it was decided that lovetvfan would write the angst and then KSaraSara would fix it in the companion piece. Somehow, the plan changed to include a triptych of vignettes: angst (lovetvfan), angst (KSaraSara), resolution (lovetvfan & KSaraSara).
Please enjoy our short, angsty journey, and let us know what you think!
Summary: Lois and Clark have some pretty painful conversations during Barbarians at the Planet. It seems like all they can do is hurt each other, and you can only wonder what’s going on in their heads as they’re taking turns breaking each others’ hearts. And what are they planning to do with all these feelings and all this hurt? This is Clark’s story.
Why I Will Hurt You (Clark)By Sara Kraft and lovetvfan
I told you the truth today.
I probably shouldn't have. I know I shouldn't have. Because you broke my heart.
Maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe I did.
And I just didn't want to believe you would do it.
Could do it.
From day one, it has been a possibility. You've held my heart captive since then. Did you know that? That you've held that power in your hands since the beginning?
It only got worse after that, after I got to know you. Love at first sight became forever yours. And so quickly, too.
Do you know how much that hurts? Love unrequited.
It only hurts a little...when the hope is still there. When I haven't said the words aloud yet. When I can still imagine that one day there could be a happily ever after.
It was never a foregone conclusion, though I always liked to imagine that it was.
It hurts more to see you with someone else. To watch him do what I've only dreamed of. And it hurts even more that he's evil. He's my enemy.
And he got to ask you first. He took that from me. He took you from me.
Or, at least I hope he didn't. There's still a chance. Maybe it'll work. It feels like my only chance. That maybe...one day...
But part of me is angry with you, furious that you're so stubbornly blind to who he is.
To who I am.
You say I'm your best friend. Partners. You say it like it's a lifetime commitment, like you couldn't imagine life without me.
I told my parents. I told them I love you and that you're
my lifetime commitment, that my heart isn't my own any longer and hasn't been for a long time. They knew already. Of course they knew.
Because I'm no good at hiding my feelings for you. Never have been.
So, really, you had to have known.
And you did. You said as much, though you hedged like your life depended on it.
But you can't have it both ways. You can keep my heart—it's yours, forever, and I don't have a choice in the matter. But you can't keep me, too. Not as your friend. Not as your partner. Not if you're with him. I can't do it anymore. I'm not that strong.
Just like I wasn't strong enough to keep the truth to myself. Even as I told myself that it was for your own good. Even though I knew it might hurt you. I told myself I'd let this go on far too long. Pretended that things could be different...allowed myself to dream.
So I told you. Selfishly. Told you the truth of my feelings, committed the sin of speaking them out loud even though I knew, deep down, I knew what you'd say. Even though I prayed you wouldn't.
Worse, I knew it would hurt you, to have to turn me down. To tell me to my face that you don't love me. And maybe it was a dare. Maybe I was still angry with you, and I was daring you to break my heart because I didn't think you could.
But you did.
You looked right at me and told me that you could never feel the same. You broke my heart.
Your heart, really. Forever yours because you stole it. Stole it, though I would have given it willingly a million times over.
I still would. Because I'm hopeless. Powerless when it comes to you.
I would do anything for you. You know that too. And you've never asked more than me than I'm willing to give.
I'd get you the moon if you asked for it.
But today you asked for too much. More than I was willing to give.
I gave it to you anyway. Because I can't say no to you. I never could.
So I went. And you broke my heart again.
I changed my clothes. Just my clothes, a different suit. And I went and let you tell me all the things I wanted you to say to me. But not now, not like this.
You told me you loved me, and I looked into those wonderfully beautiful brown eyes and told you there were things about me that you may never know.
That I didn't believe you.
You didn't even try to disguise the hurt. It was written across every single inch of your face.
Your feelings for me—dressed in the wrong suit—have never been as secret as you like to pretend they are. And maybe that's my fault too. I never pretended I didn't like the way you would find excuses to touch me, to see me, the object of your ridiculous crush.
I let my guard down, and I paid the price. I love you, care about you far too much for my own good.
And so I look at you as you tell me you love me and I tell you I don't believe you.
Hearing the words I so desperately wanted from you just hours ago and the look on your face almost breaks my resolve. Almost. But I know I have to stay the course. There's no future, no relationship with a crush. No matter what you tell yourself. Or me.
Not when you told me you couldn't love me and then asked me to bring him to you...the other man in the other suit. The one you've fawned over, compared me and measured me against. The one who is out of reach to you because he's just me and you don't want me.
And so I reject you the same way. Tell you I can't believe you.
Will you ever forgive me? I can’t forget that look on your face. That look that says I hurt you. If it helps, it hurt me too. Nobody gets out of this unscathed.
Poetic justice, right?
It hurts more than I thought it would, all things considered. But maybe because I'm angry with you too. Anger that's a ridiculously poor cover for all the hurt you've caused me.
Anger that makes me say cruel things about casually violating your privacy. I would never do that, but I say it anyway. Because you knew I was coming, and you still chose a sexy satin nightgown. As if that would cinch the deal.
Anger that makes me tell you to get in bed with the devil because you think I'm being petty and resentful. Petty, sure. Because as angry and hurt as I am, I don't want you to get anywhere near him, let alone into bed with him.
I think that might kill me.
So now what do I do? You think it's all gone. The
Planet[ /i], Perry, Jimmy...me. You say it all meant more to you than anything. But we're still here. You're the one that's leaving.
The [i]Planet is gone, but I can fix it. I know you don't believe me right now, but I can. I will.
I have to.
I have to save you even though you're killing me.
You won't like it at first. Because you think I should help you to be happy. That's what you said, that if I really cared about you, I would let you—help you to be happy.
And you're right. You're so right. You love being right. Why can't you see this? I will help you be happy, but not in the way you think.
I know you're afraid, but do you have to be so blind? So stubborn.
You should be afraid of him. Not me. He's dangerous. A criminal. Evil. But you won't believe it.
You say you don't love him, but you haven't answered him yet...
I torture myself by watching you because I think part of me wouldn't be able to believe it if I didn't see it with my own eyes. His ring. Your finger. The kiss.
I wanted so desperately for it to be me. My ring. Your finger. Our kiss.
I ought to pack up and leave town because I can't watch. I can't watch you marry that monster. The one you can't possibly love.
And so I make my decision. To keep you, I have to hurt you one more time. I have to prove to you that you were fooled. I have to show you that you chose wrong, that you made a massive mistake. I have to make you doubt your skills and yourself.
I have to make you the woman who almost married the monster because she was too scared to see the truth.
You might hate me for it. I'm scared you will. I will hate me for it. But having you safe is worth it.
But given time, I'm sure you will come around. We can rebuild. The
Planet. Our friendship. We can go to work again and it will be like it was.
Friends. Best friends.
And maybe I can still imagine that one day there could be a happily ever after.
Because without you, I will lose my heart. You stole it, after all.
I want you to be happy. Like you said.
And maybe friends is all we can ever be. I don't want that, but I want you by my side. No matter what. No matter how much it hurts.
Because without you, I am lost. I need you to guide me home. I need you to smile at me and laugh at my jokes. I need you to believe in me—in either suit—and challenge me when I get too stubborn to see reason. I need you to keep my heart safe. You've always had it. Ever since the beginning. And I can't let you go.
Because I love you.
And it hurts.
