FDK: A New Hero, Part 10/? - 07/19/06 03:30 PM
I liked your new chapter, and I was particularly glad to see more of Brook. I thought she was a delightful nine-year-old. This was so typical:
Gaahh! What can Jenni say when her boyfriend's nine-year-old kid sister asks her that?
I liked meeting Lara, too, but I'm always sad to be reminded of Lois's death. Imagine being thought of as the cause of your mother's death! How extremely horrible. But the family seems to treat Lara so well.
Danny's rections were interesting. He's beginning to regret throwing out Jenni. In fact, I think he's scared that he will lose her forever, just like he's lost his wife forever (*probably* forever). He should feel guilty that he is throwing his own daughter out while Clark offers her to live with his family.
It was also interesting to see how impressed Danny was with Clark's wealth. Perhaps he's going to like Zared a lot better now, seeing that Zared could be regarded as a source of money.
I'm feeling sorry for Jenni, though. It must feel odd for her to suddenly become Clark's underage "daughter", subject to his authority. Also, she is going to be regarded as someone who could set a bad example to Clark's other kids. Even if we all trust Clark to be very fair and kind "father-cum-father-in-law", Jenni must still feel weird about it.
I think I spotted a mistake or two:
This part seems to be mentioned twice in this chapter.
And this is a bit confusing when you first read it:
You soon make it clear that Jenni heard Martha talk about Zared's "barn incident". But when I first read it, I couldn't remember what Martha had said that Jenni could have overheard.
It should be "he for her", I think.
The use of "I" here is a little confusing.
Anyway, like I said, I liked this chapter. I really like Clark's family and the feeling of warmth that is so obvious here. I just wish that Caitlin wouldn't be a part of it, and that Lois would be there instead.
Ann
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"Hmmm... So you and my big brother are gonna have a baby. Hmmmp. I bet daddy wasn't too happy about you two having sex, was he, huh?"
I liked meeting Lara, too, but I'm always sad to be reminded of Lois's death. Imagine being thought of as the cause of your mother's death! How extremely horrible. But the family seems to treat Lara so well.
Danny's rections were interesting. He's beginning to regret throwing out Jenni. In fact, I think he's scared that he will lose her forever, just like he's lost his wife forever (*probably* forever). He should feel guilty that he is throwing his own daughter out while Clark offers her to live with his family.
It was also interesting to see how impressed Danny was with Clark's wealth. Perhaps he's going to like Zared a lot better now, seeing that Zared could be regarded as a source of money.
I'm feeling sorry for Jenni, though. It must feel odd for her to suddenly become Clark's underage "daughter", subject to his authority. Also, she is going to be regarded as someone who could set a bad example to Clark's other kids. Even if we all trust Clark to be very fair and kind "father-cum-father-in-law", Jenni must still feel weird about it.
I think I spotted a mistake or two:
Quote
Zared drove to Jenni's house.. former house. Zared swallowed and knocked on the door. Jenni's dad, Danny, opened the door...
"Come in Zared. Most of Jenni's stuff is in the garage, but I... " He sat down. "Sit down, Zared."
Zared sat but could only think, "Oh, no."
Danny continued, "I couldn't finish with it. I just couldn't pack anything else."
Zared just raised an eyebrow, waiting...
"Come in Zared. Most of Jenni's stuff is in the garage, but I... " He sat down. "Sit down, Zared."
Zared sat but could only think, "Oh, no."
Danny continued, "I couldn't finish with it. I just couldn't pack anything else."
Zared just raised an eyebrow, waiting...
And this is a bit confusing when you first read it:
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Zared got up and hugged his gramma. "I didn't think you'd still be here." Then he grumbled softly, "Jenni heard you. I had to tell her."
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Brook was crazy about Zared and he for she,
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Brook saw Zared leave and decided to say hi to Jenni. Should I go ahead and talk to Jenni? Maybe not. I'll just say hi. She peaked into the room and said, "Hi, Jenni!"
Anyway, like I said, I liked this chapter. I really like Clark's family and the feeling of warmth that is so obvious here. I just wish that Caitlin wouldn't be a part of it, and that Lois would be there instead.
Ann
Clark have a nanny for the kids.