Wooot! I get to start the FDK folder!

But seriously, David, you are just breaking my heart! This is so...it's just so...

One little thing that caught my eye though:
oh, the thought of what Cat will have coming to her once the disaster is over

But onto more pressing matters...Lois thought he didn't love her. I nearly fell over. He *will* straighten her out about that, right? Right???

And what about that whole meteor-heading-for-Earth thing? He's still got to remember he's Superman! Again, how will he do that if he can't trust his memories? Will Lois have to figure it out for him? Although, it is good news about the whole door thing. I feel hopeful now. But just what'll it take to bring it all back?

*imagines that BOTH Clark and Cat will be toast in the near future if Lois has to figure Clark's secret out for him*

Oh, by the way, here is your arm back. I'm keeping your leg, though, until you post part 4. So hurry up and post!!!

David, David, David...

Every time you try to tell me that you're not a great writer, you go and post something like this just to prove me right over and over again.

You have a real skill for making every single word count, and sometimes count several times over. Like this, one of several references to flashing lights:
To Clark, it's all part of the confusion in his head, but the reader knows that he's partly remembering being in space chasing Nightfall. Yet it's such a subtle reference, tucked away amid the vivid image of a country sky in winter. So descriptive, so succinct and so effective. I'm in awe.


Then there's Clark's slow, painful acceptance of the truth: that what he thought were his memories weren't real at all.

I've told you before, but I just love the way you repeat the 'wasn't his' in ever-shortening phrases. Very effective, again, and a punch in the gut in the way it shows his pain.

And finally... the way he picks up on her loneliness, her fear of being alone, her need to be loved. This just made me sigh and dissolve in a puddle of angsty mush:

Great flash of memory, vividly shown, and of course with no inhibitions whatsoever, no memory of her telling him not to fall for him, he has to come straight out and tell her what his heart tells him she needs to know: she is loved. He loves her.

And, of course, you have to leave us hanging not much beyond there... ARGH!! I hope you're making decent progress on part 4 by now!


Wendy

Hi,

Great part.

More ASAP, Please.

MAF

Heartbreaking.

Oh, Lois.

Seriously, seriously good stuff. It's a mark of a great writer when every word counts and it truly has here, as Wendy has pointed out. Your writing is infused with meaning, and it's the kind I'd like to read over and over again, to discover something new in the story each time. I'm really looking forward to the next part.

Thank you, David.

*goes back for that second reading*

David,
You're gonna have to come with a better posting schedule than this. This is a story so touching that if you'd just finish posting it I wouldn't be able to put it down.

I like this line.

It is improving and getting more interesting. I did not like the first chapter though. It was basically plagarism. There was not much to it besides being the episode written out with some small parts added.

But the last two chapters have been an improvement. You write well. There are some small things you need to work on. It takes away from the good parts.

The problem is that you are trying too hard. It is obvious in your writing when you try to write suspense. There is too much, and when a story has too much, it becomes a little boring.

The part where you said he was running up the stairs was confusing. It took me a little while to realize what you meant. You said "up the stairs" when the impression was that Lois was outside or downstairs some where. I even went back and read the chapter before just to understand, I was so confused. Maybe you should have left that part out and wrote that he just "bounded towards the door"?

You are abusing the ellipse. I think that you are using it to create suspense? Try using more suspenseful words in their place instead. Weave a suspenseful situation with words, not ellipses.

I do not know if you are aware, but when you end a sentence with an ellipse, there are four dots. When it is within a sentence, you use three.

You really should get someone to proofread it and tell you these things so you can improve. You can write well, it is obvious, but it can also be improved.

David,

For what it's worth, regardless of what anyone else thinks, I think this story is great!

Digitalsky, just a brief response: a lot of what you're commenting on is stylistic and a matter of preference rather than right or wrong.

But I do have to point out that the first section was certainly not plagiarism. David did re-use lines of dialogue from the episode, but they were used to create different meaning, and those lines were also only a small part of the section. There was plenty which was his own work.

Finally, you're probably not aware that this:
is a US grammar rule, which does not apply in many other countries where English is the primary language - including Australia, which is where David is from.


Wendy

Wow! That was amazing! I can't think of any other word to describe your writing. Amazing!

Jackie

I don't care.

What, just six parts?

Also, I'm enjoying the style.

If you don't care, Digitalsky, then why post comments at all?


Wendy

Well I loved it David and isn't that all that really matters


Laura;)

Okay, so I wasn't going to post until you'd finished your story (so hurry up already, hmmm?). But seeing that the discussion seems to be about plagiarism and three or four dots... David, I'm amazed how things like these can ever be the topic of discussion of your story. Plagiarism? I've never read anything like your story before, so believe me, it was high time somebody did it. What you have given us is beautiful and lovely. As for three or four dots, give me a break already. I'm from Sweden, and here we only ever use three dots, but honestly, who cares??? I'm a teacher, I have to read far more essays than I think is a lot of fun, and believe me: if a writer gets all of his dots and question marks and what not right, but hasn't got anything important or heartfelt to tell you, then his story remains uninteresting. Not only does David get his dots right, if you ask me, but his story is something we LnC fans should be extremely happy about!!!

David, your story is the best I've read in a long time. Love it! Go ahead and post some more now, quickly!

Ann

I see you've picked up a troll. What a comment on your popularity, Dave. Should I be jealous?

Awww. Sure you are, Lois!

Yeah! Love this line.

Great, great part. I love how you suck me in every time.

Another explosive posting on an ingenuous premise!

Perfectly alludes to Clark's confusion, fear and frustration.

Specifically adore the sneaky references to Clark's superpowers, intentional or not.

Clark's images, his fantasies are morphing into abstractness with every passing second, yet his insistence to call them his memories... Superb!

The guy's had his world crumble, yet, he seeks to trust the woman. Gotta admire him.

Whoopsies to things that are not there... yet.

Were it not for these pesky *naggings* of his, I could have conveniently forgotten he needs to do something else besides seeking Lois.

Linkage of physical events and emotional manifestations are simply fabulous.

And here's the crux of the matter succinctly put. Fear of the unknown.

Clark, stop imagining and start embracing your... destiny.

Clark's thoughtful caring and Lois' frustration immediately followed by Lois' heartfelt empathy and Clark's helplessness... Wow!

Lois' one-worded answers display her state of mind precisely.

LOL!

Again, WOW!!!

You can't just end there, David. How can you just invite us in and then... end the part?

(imho) Overall, superbly done!

~Ankit

Back to comment properly later, but...

*I apologies to Wendy and the administrators in advance for going off topic but I have to say something.*

Dave is an excellent writer and I know in anyway would NEVER plagiarize work from the show or others. He has been a BR for me and many others. He is a great person, motivator and friend who posts his stories for our support and CONSTRUTIVE Criticism. If you post again in the future just keep in mind we are a nice message board of great people and I personally don't like when other fans accuse of plagiarism and are not positively supporting others.

To Dave: Keep up the great work and I love this story soo much! Very sweet and I can't wait for part four!

~Lois Lane Wanna Be

AMAZING addition to this story! Absolutely fantastic! Your writing is so amazingly evocative and eloquent. This chapter was pure heartbreak on both their parts...brilliant stuff. I loved the line about the memory of Lois' outfit during the dance of the seven veils...a perfect dose of humour just where it's needed most. This story has it all! I hope you post more very very soon!

I'm terribly sorry to take away from David's feedback to address what seems to be pointed, personal attack on this author, but I feel this needs to be addressed.

Digitalsky said:

Actually, David did have it proofread, or, as we like to call it, beta read. I am one of David's beta readers. I'm an English Education major at the University of Arizona. Another of David's beta readers is a university professor.

I really take no insult from your comments, as I know it doesn't matter what you think is the "correct" way of writing - as mentioned previously, it's a stylistic preference. Also, it's hard to take writing criticism seriously from someone who has spelling errors and missing punctuation in his (her?) post.

The plagiarism issue has already been mentioned as well, but I just wanted to point out that *most* fanfiction contains direct quotes from the episodes included. Really, how would we have fanfic otherwise?

Anyway, I'll repeat what someone else said: If you don't care, why comment?

Sara

Stepping in to clarify something.

"Plagiarism" is a very serious accusation and can't be thrown around like just another word. We've had a couple of cases in the fandom and so we're rather sensitive to the word.

Digitalsky, I suggest you re-read David's first part. While he used lines from the show (and don't we all?), he wrapped those with his own take on events. If using lines from Lois and Clark was plagiarism, we'd all be plagiarists.

So while you're entitled to your opinion, I'm going to request you do it politely and with regards to the author's feelings, whether it's about ellipses or much more serious things such as plagiarism.

The site's FAQ says:

That's not the case with what you posted, and posting to the message boards implies that you accept and respect the site's rules.

I consider the subject closed and I hope we can now return to commenting on David's story.

Thank you.

Kaethel
Fanfic Forum Moderator

Wow. Okay. This has been blown out of proportion. lol

Let me step in to clarify.

I was not "accusing" anybody of anything. If you want to get technical, all fanfiction is plagiarism. Any person who has written fanfiction has plagiarized. I really do not care if that was done here. It was not said as an accusation.

I said that because the whole first part was basically that episode. That is why I was not really impressed with it. It was so much like the episode, it is why I referred to it as plagiarism. No one needs to get offended. It was not said maliciously.

May I ask where exactly I was being rude besides that misunderstanding? I was giving constructive criticism, just like you stated. I never said anything malicious or mean. I did not say the story was bad. I was just giving my honest opinion. I posted what I said as something that the author could use for consideration if they wished to do so when they wrote in the future. That is what reviews are. If they do not believe what I have to say, that is fine. It is their story. I am just stating something for them to think about.

I apologize for bringing this back up. I wanted to make myself clear. I think everybody owes the author an apology for taking their comment thread off track and turning it into a flame war. All I did was leave my comment and everybody dragged it off topic. Tsk tsk. How rude. :p

To the author- I am sorry for any misunderstandings. I will say it again, you are a good writer. This story is improving as the chapters progress and becoming interesting.

I did not care about what she had to say.

David, this story is just terrific. I've been enjoying it immensely, but haven't had the time to post comments on it - or any other story - for some time now. Ditto everyone's comments and favorite quotes. I'm really looking forward to the next part, which I hope you'll be able to finish soon. Otherwise the rabid fans here may send these guys out - - and you really don't want that...

And with apologies to you, David, for further hijacking this thread, I did have a question for Digitalsky. You've clarified that your "I don't care" comment referred to the fact that you didn't care about what Wendy had to say. Now, you felt free to criticize David's use of the ellipsis at the end of a sentence, but then when Wendy pointed out to you that this rule was not the same worldwide, suddenly you don't care? Does that mean you are happy to point out when you think others have made errors, but don't want to admit to your own? If you have indeed made a mistake, however unknowingly, you should be grown-up enough to apologize to David as well as thank Wendy for increasing your knowledge base.

Kathy

Hey Dave, I'm way behind in keeping up with fic these days, however your FDK thread count caught my eye so I'm making time for this one.

And I'm glad I did! So far so good, I'm liking where you're taking this fic

But I actually thought Digitalsky had some valid points with his/her constructive critism. Be careful with over using that ellipse Digitalsky, you may not have handled the situation the best, especially in this fandom where we are very protective of our writers, but don't let that scare you off. Constructive criticism is important and Dave's an Aussie, I'm sure he can take it.

Now Dave, footy season is over, rugby season is over, we've qualified for the world cup and no one really cares about the A league anyway, so you have no excuse not to write!
PS. You can write and watch cricket at the same time

Very nice story! Looking forward to reading the rest of it

David, this is heartwrenchingly good. Just beautiful, really. And I love the subtle little clues that you're giving him about his superpowers.

DSky, you'll get better reception in future if you sprinkle a few "in my opinion" and "my preference would be" phrases throughout your critique, instead of flat pronouncements. It helps to avoid ruffling feathers. IMO And I wouldn't have called that first section plagiarism -- Dave wasn't claiming that any of the dialog was his own creative genius; we all knew where it came from. I tend to dislike straight transcripts of scenes -- I've seen it already, don't need to read about it. But with Clark's internal thoughts, this was quite a twist on the familiar, so it was fascinating to see how he interpreted things. At least I thought so

PJ

David, you know... the way you write is the way I've always imaged Clark to write. Beautiful.

This is so good that I must go an get som more juice now... I'ts the only way to stay alive until next time you post.

//Mona

I think the best person to ask about elipses is CC Aiken .

Any who, Digitalsky, is it? Name sounds kinda familiar... You strike me as a sort of "Simon" of fanfic, hard to impress. That can be a good thing---excellent critics force the artists to raise their standards. However, as others have said, sweeting your words a little can make the critique more digestable. Not that I'm the best person to ask, of course.

And David, don't forget I have your leg!!! Post the next part, ASAP!!! You can't just leave us hanging around Clark's door!!!

Okay, this whole part was kinda sad, but I had to snort out a little laughter over the Cat thing.

And then there's this:

All I have to say is

And this:



What the hell, I'm already sick. Are you going to make me use up the rest of my Kleenex on this post? It was worth it.

JD

This: was very powerful for me. We have this prickly, defensive woman who views almost all close relationships - even friendship, in some cases - with suspicion. A woman who would normally run from this sort of touchy-feely thing. And she looks him in the eye and not only acknowledges it, but doesn't immediately tack some sort of qualifier onto it. Just leaves it right there, bare and unadorned.

I, too, liked the bit about Cat. Whatever Lois may have thought originally, in regards to whether Clark did or did not do anything with Cat, she obviously has come to believe his side of that whole story.

I think this: was my favorite part. He doesn't immediately jump on her words with a quick and superficial denial, along the lines of "of course you're a nice person!" or "don't be silly, (etc.)". Instead, he gently tosses it back at her: well, okay, then what changed? He sums up how she's been treating him in that question. Because she has been focused on him and what he needs - her true inner caring person is out in force. Very well done!

I said before, I think, and I'm not alone - I love the touches of completely unconscious super-abilities he is experiencing. That was one of the problems I kept coming back to in the actual episode - how could he have missed the hearing, the vision? I know a lot of the control over those abilities had become second nature, but still... with no sense of self, how does one explain those? Here, he's so focused on Lois that he assumes it's all his imagination. And the whole thing is very believable.

Count me among those who are waiting more-or-less patiently (okay... it's more 'less' than 'more' ) for the next part!

~Toc

Dave

WOW! This is beautifully written. Please post more soon.

Tricia

Oh good!

She didn't leave

It's sad she doesn't belive he can love her because she doesn't think she's a nice person

David!

This is so lovely! So beautiful! But how are you going to wrap this up with only 2 (possibly 3) more parts. He has no clue that he's Superman. They're about to chat over coffee??? Well, hopefully some super feat will escape him while he's drinking his, shock them both, and... and then what? Happily ever after? I have no idea! I love it! I love not knowing how you're going to wrap this one up! Will the status quo be restored as happened in the actual episode, or will your story somehow move/shift everything ?? Either way, I'm hooked until then!!!

I am in awe with your style as I read- the imagery and the language, it all weaves into a beautiful story. The broken thoughts of a confused man... I have never seen this done so well!

Lines like this are exactly what I am talking about! Lines like this are completely heartwrenching! You just feel for him- he has lost something he never had, and he misses it so much. It's so sad. And he has no idea what he did have- what his life was like. If Lois wasn't his, if those memories didn't actually exist, what is he missing? And it's those great, quick sentences that get that anxiety and meaning across so well.

~NICOLE

now come on david that's a good story, but will lois ever tell him the real truth. I have no more tears to cry.

Ohhhhhhh. Watch LabRat's bottom lip wobble dangerously.

Lois running out on him at the start, overwhelmed by it all...that was just so perfect. Just exactly what she'd do. But, oh, it tugs at the heart.

And then this

was the point when I realised I probably don't have enough tissues to deal with this story. The separate lines for this are just so exquisitely effective.

Here...you know, I could hate you quite easily, Dave. Wonderful, wonderful description.

Poor, poor Clark. He needs a hug.

And then, like all the best authors, you turn the mood around just for a moment and give us a little bit of poignant comedy:

Which, as well as making us smile, serves to further heighten the emotional heart of the segment by contrast. Beautifully done.

Huge lump in my throat reading the ensuing conversation. Again, you paint such wonderfully deep emotion with such economy, Dave.

And that final line...

Okay...I'm sure that was more than ten minutes I gave you on irc. So where's part four?

LabRat

That was nice Very well done.
The super-vision and -hearing part was a smart touch.
Will be looking forward to more.
AnnaBtG.

Nice story thus far. Need more

You need to post more often, really....

I have to admit that I am not one for introspection, but you do it very nicely.

James, who is thankful for the discussion on the plagerism thing and how some people approach using dialog from the show.

Umm... aaahh... well, David, it's only been a little more than a week since the last time you posted, but I need a new fix about now, you know?

Ann

Okay, my laptop over heated and I lost all the comments I had, so I'll be back later to reply to comments properly.

Part 4 is now up.