FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/26/05 10:33 PM
It just gets worser and worser, doesn't it? You'd better have a good way out of this pickle, Wendy!
PJ
PJ
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/26/05 11:47 PM
Wendy... you're very welcome! 
I'm more than happy to show you what lines worked well for me, especially if it helps motivate you. I have to admit - it's difficult to stop myself from pasting the *whole* part. <g>
Anyway... you know I loved the first bit, but I'll point out some favourites again. (Okay, somebody is rushing me, luckily, for some odd reason I fdked in reverse, so... briefly through the first part...)
I *love* how you pointed that out. How Lois, who is upset and scared lashes out at first and then pulls herself up short... very nice. 
I really like that - the jump from the general information the doctor is spouting to the important thing that rings through Clark's head. Excellent! <g>
Nice save, Clarkie-boy. 
And now... New stuff! <g>
*ahem*
I tried to pick a shorter bit from the next quote, but I simply couldn't. I *had* two quote the whole thing. It's... it's...
It's damn fantastic.
Almost like he's having an out of body experience as he's being led through the ER, and then... he's snapped back into his body when he sees her. When she's in front of him. God... I just... I *love* it, Wendy.
I feel like I was right there, floating along beside him. I was actually shocked at the change - but in a very good way. The kind of shock you get when you're watching a horror movie and you're so deep into the action that when the guy pops up out of the back seat you nearly have a heart attack. I *really* love that line.
I was waiting for it, *dying* for it, and then...
Bang!
And it's perfect!
I absolutely, completely, adore it.
Love it. Love it. Love it.
That's all I have to say about that. <g>
Wow, Wendy. That... that says so much about Lois's state of mind. I love how we see her through Clark's eyes. The hint of her pain - the crack in her mask of strength... I really... fantastic. Just... I need a thesaurus... aha! It's the cat's meow!
Firstly, I love the Lois characterisation there!
And... that poor doctor has no idea... <bg>
Like here:
I have to admit... this line made me laugh.
Yes, Doc - that's exactly what I thought too! (Is it okay to admit I'm a science geek?)
I *love* that you (and possibly Jill?) thought of that! I have to admit, as a self-confessed science geek (see above), I'm loving what I'm reading so far. I haven't been able to spot anything that wouldn't make sense. And... not to blow my own horn, it's a testament to your and Jill's dedication.
Absolut-lut-ely fan-fan-tastic!
Excellent way to emphasise and build the tension. I love the way you stress the key words - they're what's important to Clark. They're what he's focusing on. They deserve more attention. Very nice!
I think it's brilliant how you stress the time. When he had *seconds* he could save her. Now that he's got hours... And I love how you've drawn the distinction between the two types of danger.
You know... it's not so much the time itself, as it is the fact that he's got time to *think* about the danger she's in, instead of just reacting out of instinct. And I think that's what makes the difference. And I love how you can say that without out and out stating it. <g>
And this:
Oh... what a place to stop! :p
Dave
I'm more than happy to show you what lines worked well for me, especially if it helps motivate you. I have to admit - it's difficult to stop myself from pasting the *whole* part. <g>
Anyway... you know I loved the first bit, but I'll point out some favourites again. (Okay, somebody is rushing me, luckily, for some odd reason I fdked in reverse, so... briefly through the first part...)
Quote
She’d been unfair to him, wondering if he’d forget her and get on with his life. Clark did care about her. The way he behaved with her on a daily basis showed her that. Protective. Even affectionate, when she let him.
Quote
“She could progressively lose the use of these functions. She could become blind, for example. Or paralysed. Or - ”
Respiration. The word the doctor had used jumped out at him. “She could stop breathing?”
Respiration. The word the doctor had used jumped out at him. “She could stop breathing?”
Quote
“Distance isn’t a problem.” Clark spoke abruptly. “I - Lois and I know Superman. He could have the poisons expert here in minutes.”
And now... New stuff! <g>
*ahem*
I tried to pick a shorter bit from the next quote, but I simply couldn't. I *had* two quote the whole thing. It's... it's...
Quote
Woodenly, like an automaton, he turned towards the door. His feet moved forward, but it seemed as if it were someone else, not him, who was walking into the ER. Someone else was searching the busy room anxiously, looking for Lois. Someone else was being steered towards a cubicle over to the side, pushing back a curtain...
And there she was, sitting on a gurney, dressed only in a hospital gown. Her hair was still rumpled and her face was pale, but she was as beautiful as ever. And a lump in Clark’s throat almost prevented him from speaking.
And there she was, sitting on a gurney, dressed only in a hospital gown. Her hair was still rumpled and her face was pale, but she was as beautiful as ever. And a lump in Clark’s throat almost prevented him from speaking.
Almost like he's having an out of body experience as he's being led through the ER, and then... he's snapped back into his body when he sees her. When she's in front of him. God... I just... I *love* it, Wendy.
I feel like I was right there, floating along beside him. I was actually shocked at the change - but in a very good way. The kind of shock you get when you're watching a horror movie and you're so deep into the action that when the guy pops up out of the back seat you nearly have a heart attack. I *really* love that line.
I was waiting for it, *dying* for it, and then...
Quote
“Lois...” That was someone else’s voice, surely? He never sounded that hoarse, as if he were crying...
“Clark, for god’s sake, pull yourself together!” she snapped. “Don’t you know that’s the last thing I need right now?”
“Clark, for god’s sake, pull yourself together!” she snapped. “Don’t you know that’s the last thing I need right now?”
And it's perfect!
I absolutely, completely, adore it.
Quote
Though thinking clearly had never seemed less possible. After all, if they didn’t find the antidote he’d be writing the story alone. Without his partner. Without Lois.
That's all I have to say about that. <g>
Quote
She glared at him, but then her expression changed and Clark almost thought he saw a tear forming. She blinked and it was gone.
Quote
The curtain was pushed aside suddenly. “Ms Lane! What are you doing?”
“Leaving,” she announced bluntly.
“But we haven’t finished... there are tests...”
“Leaving,” she announced bluntly.
“But we haven’t finished... there are tests...”
And... that poor doctor has no idea... <bg>
Like here:
Quote
“Found the antidote -? What are you talking about? You’re not medically qualified!”
Yes, Doc - that's exactly what I thought too! (Is it okay to admit I'm a science geek?)
Quote
“I can understand that, Ms Lane. But you should know that you don’t necessarily have 21 hours.”
Quote
Lois was dying.
Dying. And this time there was nothing - nothing - he could do about it.
Dying. And this time there was nothing - nothing - he could do about it.
Excellent way to emphasise and build the tension. I love the way you stress the key words - they're what's important to Clark. They're what he's focusing on. They deserve more attention. Very nice!
Quote
In all of those cases he’d had seconds to react, but he’d got there in time. Seconds to be aware that her life was in danger - but then he’d rescued her and all had been well. This was different.
You know... it's not so much the time itself, as it is the fact that he's got time to *think* about the danger she's in, instead of just reacting out of instinct. And I think that's what makes the difference. And I love how you can say that without out and out stating it. <g>
And this:
Quote
“They’re a sign that the drug is doing what it was designed to do. And some of them are more dangerous - for example, you could stop breathing. If that happens, then it won’t be a question of waiting for the time to be up.”
Dave
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 12:00 AM
Perfect reaction on Lois' part. She's not one to just sit around the hospital and wait for death to come to her; she'd never leave her fate in other people's hands. Grab Clark and go. But where? What clues do they have? Where can they begin their search, when there is so little time? I like that you put in the flexiblity of the how long the drug may take, and noted that symptoms will appear before death ultimately comes. This is going to be a bumpy ride! 
Susan
Susan
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 12:41 AM
Someone mentioned "DOA" with Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid. The original was released in 1947 (?) and starred Edmund O'Brien. (A much better film, in my humble opinion.) It was an excellent movie with twists and turns and all kinds of surprises, and this story looks a lot like that movie so far. And that blows a very similar story idea I was playing with but hadn't gotten past the summary stage!
That's okay, though, because this looks better than my idea was. This is tighter and more angsty than the story I was working on, so you go ahead and put this together and keep it coming! Good stuff and getting better!
The only niggle I have is that the Edmund O'Brien character solves his own murder, shoots down his killer, goes to the police station, tells tne entire tale, and dies at the end of the movie. I sincerely hope Lois doesn't share his fate!
That's okay, though, because this looks better than my idea was. This is tighter and more angsty than the story I was working on, so you go ahead and put this together and keep it coming! Good stuff and getting better!
The only niggle I have is that the Edmund O'Brien character solves his own murder, shoots down his killer, goes to the police station, tells tne entire tale, and dies at the end of the movie. I sincerely hope Lois doesn't share his fate!
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 01:04 AM
Okay, I have to say I usually can't bring myself to read medical stories, but the feedback has been so interesting! I may give the story a shot sometime later...maybe after it hits the Archive. Happy writing! I will continue to keep an eye on the feedback threads!
Jen
:p
Jen
:p
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 01:38 AM
Wow....just....wow. This just gets better and better. I am absolutely riveted by this. The characterization, Clark's pain, the anxiety of the moment's ticking by...you've captured it all brilliantly. More soon...don't make us wait! 
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 01:45 AM
This is way too suspenseful! But it's absolutely wonderful. Your writing is fantastic, I feel like I'm there!
But yes, the question is, where do they go from here? There are a lot of places they need to go and they'll need to get there fast...I'm thinking this is as good a time as any for Lois to be in on the big secret. She's not in too much of a fragile condition to take that little piece of news right?
~Kristen
But yes, the question is, where do they go from here? There are a lot of places they need to go and they'll need to get there fast...I'm thinking this is as good a time as any for Lois to be in on the big secret. She's not in too much of a fragile condition to take that little piece of news right?
~Kristen
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 06:35 AM
I'm sending you my grocery bill.
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 08:39 AM
Wendy
This is superb.
Tricia
This is superb.
Tricia
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 11:38 AM
Hi,
Great part.
Great part.
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 02:42 PM
there'd better be a whole lot of waff to make up for the angst you're giving us 
I love the premise; it sure seems like we're in for a quite a ride.
More!!! (Please?) :rolleyes:
Cris
I love the premise; it sure seems like we're in for a quite a ride.
More!!! (Please?) :rolleyes:
Cris
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 03:02 PM
You've got a deft hand with tension, Wendy. Great installment, good premise and real emotions. I'm looking forward to a lot more!
Irene
Irene
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 03:53 PM
Great tension. Nice buildup. Very in-character with their responses.
You're killing me here. I can almost see the trailer for this now.
You're killing me here. I can almost see the trailer for this now.
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 04:25 PM
Oh wow. Now I'm caught up.
The more those doctors were talking, I was just thinking "why don't you guys just shoot her!?" They sound so hopeless, and poor Lois and poor Clark don't need that right now! Although they do have to know what they're dealing with. This is so exciting. There is such a sense of urgency in your writing that is so unbelievable and powerful here for this story. And poor Clark! Feeling like this is all his fault, of course.
Honestly, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO!!!!??!? I fear in their quest for a solution, there won't be time for making out/making the most of the time she has left? But... umm... I didn't think that would be the focus of the story. Not at all. I would NOT mind a little making out though.
~NICOLE
FYI- in case you didn't catch it, i LOVE this!
The more those doctors were talking, I was just thinking "why don't you guys just shoot her!?" They sound so hopeless, and poor Lois and poor Clark don't need that right now! Although they do have to know what they're dealing with. This is so exciting. There is such a sense of urgency in your writing that is so unbelievable and powerful here for this story. And poor Clark! Feeling like this is all his fault, of course.
Honestly, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO!!!!??!? I fear in their quest for a solution, there won't be time for making out/making the most of the time she has left? But... umm... I didn't think that would be the focus of the story. Not at all. I would NOT mind a little making out though.
~NICOLE
FYI- in case you didn't catch it, i LOVE this!
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/27/05 04:57 PM
Oh Wendy. What a powerful part!
Your avatar said "my fandom eats angst for breakfast" and with that story, you're definitely right.
I'm hooked. I can't wait to read more. You sure know how to make a cliffhanger.
I'm almost crying when Clark and Lois realizes that she's dying, and that's just the beginning of the story. WOW.
Your avatar said "my fandom eats angst for breakfast" and with that story, you're definitely right.
I'm hooked. I can't wait to read more. You sure know how to make a cliffhanger.
I'm almost crying when Clark and Lois realizes that she's dying, and that's just the beginning of the story. WOW.
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/28/05 01:15 AM
Quote
there'd better be a whole lot of waff to make up for the angst you're giving us
This story started at a sprint, didn't it? None of that build-up to speed when the starting flag is waved... We're just hit upside the emotions with angst from the first sentence. Well done!
I think it's going to be heartbreakingly fascinating to see if what the doctor predicts starts to happen. This is pretty scary. Really scary. She is so fiercely independent, and to have to start coping with stumbling steps, or balance issues, or vision problems... Or speech, or thinking and memory. Those are the tools of her work. To start to lose them...
The devastatingly fast downhill slide that the doctor is warning them could happen reminds me of some heartbreaking personal accounts from the surviving family members of people who died from mad cow disease. The effects weren't quite this fast, mind you - but some of those people declined pretty much just like your ER doctor describes, over the course of literally only a few days or weeks.
Considering how slowly (compared to your mystery substance) some neurodegenerative diseases - like Huntington's, Lou Gehrig's disease, Alzheimer's, and Parkinson's - progress, seeing that kind of decline over the course of a few weeks would be pretty terrifying. To possibly see it over the course of a just a single day...
Well. Looks like we're going to be eating angst for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime snacks for awhile, huh?
~Toc
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/28/05 08:31 AM
Let's start the investigation!!
Jose
Jose
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/28/05 04:42 PM
Wendy...again...just post the other 8 or 9 parts now. It's no fun from this side to have to agonize over what is to come. You don't play fair!
Will the next post be up in oh...a few hours? Later tonight? Tomorrow?
Will the next post be up in oh...a few hours? Later tonight? Tomorrow?
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/28/05 09:17 PM
Wow! I'm speachless. Laura 
More more more!
More more more!
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/30/05 11:04 PM
Absolutely wonderful! 
Minimum of one part a week, hmm? Ok, that seems fair.
Has it been a week yet? *puppy eyes*
Minimum of one part a week, hmm? Ok, that seems fair.
Has it been a week yet? *puppy eyes*
Re: FDK: 24 Hours, part 2 - 10/31/05 09:55 PM
Hey all
Have I told you how much I absolutely adore reading your comments?
), although you do.
It's that every now and then someone will say something which sets my thought processes ticking away madly, and then I run off to the file and add in a scene or two, sometimes a few lines, sometimes even a few pages, purely on the basis of a fascinating observation or question someone has posed. And that happened with the comments on this section. So thank you!!
Thank you!!
Wendy
Have I told you how much I absolutely adore reading your comments?
), although you do.It's that every now and then someone will say something which sets my thought processes ticking away madly, and then I run off to the file and add in a scene or two, sometimes a few lines, sometimes even a few pages, purely on the basis of a fascinating observation or question someone has posed. And that happened with the comments on this section. So thank you!!
Thank you!!
Wendy