Oh, wow. I loved the first three parts, and I adore the end. Lex losing control, drunk. Lois standing up for Clark and standing up to Lex. And I think my favorite part of all, Ellen coming back with the medical bag, not running away like Lois had thought. Wonderful!

Now... what's this about a sequel?

Wow. Speechless. Lost for words. Gasping in appreciation.

Lex defeated. Clark bloody and battered but loved. Lois resolved. Sequel promised. Eagerly awaited!!


Wendy (who will now nag and nag David until said sequel is written and posted! )

Wow!

Hi,

Great piece.

I want that sequel soon.

MAF

FREAKING AWESOME!!! And a SEQUEL, ROCKING!!!!

Their, deleted it, happy???

You want to feed you're authors lies, go ahead. Noone can handle honesty at these boards!!

Two thumbs up for unanswered questions. Even without the sequel, this piece stands just fine on its own.

Personally, Digital, it's not my favorite style of writing, but it has its artistic purposes. It's like painting a monochromatic. You only have 3 tools to start with, but the work can still turn into a rainbow. And sparse-y angst isn't really my thing, but it doesn't leave a bad taste in my mouth. I agree that there are grammatical ways to achieve the same effect, but David took the road less travelled, and it seems to work for him. I find it a shame I can't get more in touch with this style of writing, but I'm glad others can.

Jen

Yes, I've spent the whole day at home... obsessive? Me? Nah

I promise to respond to comments properly once I've done my work, but... well... constructive (?) criticism always catches my attention.

The grammar part of my spell-checker on my word processing program doesn't work.

Thank you.

I am rather intelligent if I do say so myself :p

Yes, I could have paragraphed correctly, assuming I had my grammar check fixed, but I don't think it would have had the same impact.

I do understand that not everybody is appreciative of this style, and I knew that I'd probably lose quite a few readers during the course of this story. There are times when I don't appreciate its use. And I stand by my original disclaimer - I'm still experimenting. The story I'm currently writing is in a different style because I think this style wont work for that premise.

For this premise I think the clipped sentences work, but you're definately entitled to your opinion, as are the people who've thought it does work. You may be right, they may be right. I think, in the end, it's a matter of personal preference.

Either way I thank you for taking the time to read the story and your comments.

I did have the story proof read. Unfortunately the grammar function on my BR's spell-check doesn't seem to work either.

So, again - thank you for commenting.

David (Who has to admit that at this point in the story he expected to be pulled up for shooting Clark or the puddle of blood rather then his grammar )

Actually, no.

As I said, you're entitled to your opinion.

I can handle it

And there's this thing called respect. Now I understand everyone is entitled to thier opinions. But how would you like it if someone pointed out every mistake *you* did. Best thing to do if you feel something isn't right, is to email them. That's what I do. I hate it when people are really rude on here. It makes you feel worse. So basically it's up to you. You give respect to earn respect. Please treat others as you would like to be treated.

Rach

Actually, I would want people telling me everything that was wrong. I can handle the truth. I do not like to be lied to about things like that! You cannot improve when people are sugar coating things. But I guess that is how things work around here.. I was not being rude, I was being honest!

That's fine. But most people on here, prefer emailing bad commments. I'm one of them. I would stick to emailing if I was you. But do what you want. But do expect someone like me looking down on you. I think it's really disrespectful. So your choice.

Rach

Who's to say anyone's lying here? It's perfectly fine for you not to like this story. We all have different tastes here; it's not a crime, and no one's opinion here is the end-all truth.

Jen

<sigh> DS, just because others don't agree with your opinion doesn't mean they are lying. They simply disagree. It may be difficult for someone to understand that others actually genuinely like a story when they don't, but it has been known. I don't believe there ever has been a time on this planet when 100% of people agreed on anything 100%. Tastes differ. And if you're going to go through the world expecting (and demanding) that everyone agrees with what you like and telling them they are lying when they don't, then you're going to be doing a heck of a lot of arguing.

If you can't handle people not sharing your point of view gracefully, then that's really your problem, rather than anyone else's.

If you don't like the way things are done on these mbs, there are plenty of other forums on the net for you to hang out in which may suit you better. And certainly, from other posts you've made in other threads since you joined, you don't really seem to be having fun here.

Once again - as has been pointed out to you already - the problem people are having with your posts (as in other folders you've posted in) isn't what you are saying, but the way you are expressing yourself. You're coming off as rude and belligerant. If you moderated your tone to something a little more friendly and respectful of others, you would find other posters would respond in kind.


LabRat

Hiya! I love this fic. And I love this style of writing cause its new, unusual and really thats rather refreshing. Especially like the way a lot happens with just a few words, perfect for writing a fic with a lot of fast moving action.

Now I realise this is from part 3 but, I liked it so much I'm quoting it here. Thats an amazing sentence in my opinion.

I liked the change to Lois' point of view.


Aw! Poor Lois!

Aw! Thats so...aw!!


Nice...

Anyways I'll stop quoting little bits cause I might end up with just about the whole story in here.

LOVE it D! :p Hope we get the sequel soon!

I was so glad to come on and see the last two parts posted. Very well done! I was at the edge of my seat the entire time, and I do think the style really helped with that.

There was actually a point in which I almost believed Clark would die in the story. Heh. And whew!

I look forward to reading the sequel.

David, this story is amazing! Well done, and I'm so glad that there will be a sequel.

I thought this experiment with sentence fragments and short terse statements worked really well for this length of story, but for anything longer, it might not, except in short sections interspersed throughout during moments of tension.

Of course, this story was all tension!

Looking forward to the sequel.

Irene

Hey, David. I really enjoyed this, and of course I enjoyed the plot. Clark gets shot? What more could I ask of a story. In general, I thought the sparse style worked very effectively - you pack a big punch with those short, stabby sentences. However, I'm not altogether sure it worked over the four sections - getting punched line after line for four sections began to feel a little repetitive. I began to roll with the punches, if you will, so that by the fourth section, I was breezing through it fairly quickly without really noticing the effect.

I think maybe you could use this style for specific scenes in a fic - at times of heightened tension, say, or at the beginning of the fic when you're setting the scene.

Keep on experimenting, though. I used to do a lot of that myself when I first started writing, and it really helps develop your technique. It's also great fun, isn't it?

Now. A sequel. You have no idea how much I need this sequel. What do I have to do to get it? Please remember I'm bound by the laws of various countries when answering this question.

Yvonne

Dave, you know I adore this story All jokes and smuggery aside, I felt so lucky to get to enjoy it before anybody else. The style you've developed works very well for me - each line reads like a punch to the stomach!

*cough*And I'm willing to employ any means available to get it! *cough*

Sara [who STILL got the better end of the deal!]

I completely agree

Hence the need for a sequel. I thought it'd be too much of a leap to change style and continue the story. I think the sequel will probably be longer than this one too...

I never imagined you'd read it, but I definately was thinking of you when I wrote that

I *was* worried about that. Quite a lot, actually. It was one of the things I wasn't happy about, over kill... but I think I didn't notice as much because it took so long for me to get the parts out that the previous parts weren't as fresh. There wasn't that constant hammering. It'll definately be something I'll keep a closer eye on in the future

I'll have to think about that

I hope everybody realises that the sequel will have to wait - the next story I write will be for the Fundraiser DVD... unless I decided to be lazy and submit the sequel for the Fundraiser

I am most likely wrong, but I thought these boards were for sharing fan "stories", rather than a writers' forum per se. Writers' forums would indeed criticize must severely. And any writer worth their salt would want and need that. The criticism here fouces on characterization rather than style and technique, important elements, but the characters had better be right.
I know the remarks here can be a little sugary at times but I think the point is to encouage folk to express their creativity and to take a chance in a friendy , non threating atmosphere.Harsh crit can shut a person down and nobody wants that. ( A little late, but just some thoughts)

Great job, I enjoyed this a lot David and I'm looking forward to more!

Keep writing!

~Liz

I love this story!!

Eagerly awaiting the sequel!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by David0411:
<strong>I hope everybody realises that the sequel will have to wait - the next story I write will be for the Fundraiser DVD... unless I decided to be lazy and submit the sequel for the Fundraiser armed with shears...

James

Wow. I absolutely love your writing style. I think I was hold my breathe during every part of this story. Spectacular!

Melisa

Yay! Ok I panicked yesterday! But I couldn't help but read the end<g> Very good save David! A sequil sounds great! Laura

Now I haven't posted here in a long time but I this story has me wanting to say something. I was wonderfully joyed the moment I started to read it.

I loved it! Completely awed by it!

Your experiment worked as far as I am concerned because any other way wouldn't have achieved the same outcome. It is a hard way to write-tried it and can't say I would do it a lot but it is a challenge and I commend you for doing it!

phew!

I mean... I knew you would, how could you not? It's a brilliant end

Ditto!

Bugger

Thanks TJ

Because it's been bugging me :p

See? I do know *some* grammar...

And...

It's now justified.

No sequel, eh?

Now there's an idea!

Thanks Jackie

That's made my night...

Really now, what is it with this fandom and shears?

Thank you!

Good thing it was short!

I'm glad you decided to come back

Wow, thank you!

Ok, I'm late but I finally got the chance to read the last two parts and I have to say they were GREAT!! You totally had me going there. I thought Luthor was going to kill Clark and then maybe kidnap Lois. I'm so happy I got to read both parts together. Great job! I totally loved it!

Jackie

I'm coming in a little late, too, since I wanted to be able to read the last three parts all at once, as I'm inclined to do. (It's the immersion thing, combined with the bus thing ...)

And ... well, my feedback on part 1 still applies.

No sugar coating, no lying, no exaggerating. I'm not even around these parts enough anymore to have any reason to do any of that stuff. I just plain loved this story. Was impressed by this story. By the experimental style and how much power the structure had. My hat is off to you, David.

I've been reading (and writing) fanfic for nearly 10 years now. I've read hundreds of stories -- actually, probably thousands of stories, if you consider the volume of fics on the Archive plus all the nfics, not to mention all the fic I've read for other shows -- over those 10 years. And I think I have a pretty good eye for talent. I know when a story needs polishing, when a writer is a good story-teller, but has trouble with the mechanics. And I adjust my feedback accordingly.

I don't need to adjust anything with you, David.

This was just flat out excellent. A different style, yes, but one that I found fascinating and creative and very well done. And I'm very glad I got a chance to read it.

Kathy

Incredible story. And yes the loose ends - like Lex knowing everything about Clark/Superman and can Clark even fully recover after all this exposure to kryptonite. So many things still to tell in a sequel.

David

Sorry I'm late here. I've just read the last two parts. I love it.

Tricia

There's no such thing as 'late' - everybody else is just early!

Is it wrong that I love hearing that?

I'm glad you liked it, Jackie

Thanks Kathy!

I'm stoked you liked it. Flat out excellent? Wow!

Maybe I could answer the questions here!

Lex tries to expose Clark as Superman, but since he isn't as pretty as Diana Stride, nobody believes him and he gets to spend a lot of time medicated and modelling straight jackets in a very high class mental ward.

St John takes over as head of the criminal underworld and things proceed as per normal.

Lois realises her mother isn't all that bad and when she gets frustrated trying to remove the blood stains from her polished floors, she decides to just move in with Ellen. She decides to take her mother's advice and never trust men again. Oh, and she doesn't cut her hair.

Clark never fully recovers from his exposure to Kryptonite, though his speed and agility remain above average for humans, he's far from super. Unable to find work, with his novel stagnant, and horribly lonely, Clark joins a travelling circus. He has many adventures with his travelling circus and cheerful Ring-Master, but that, my friends is a story for another day...

... Or you know what? Maybe I'll just write that sequel.

Dave (who *really* needs to sleep :p )

P.S.

Thanks Tricia!

(Did you get time to sit down over the holidays, eh?)

This is so amazing! You say EVERYTHING and in so few words!

~Nicole

David, whether you write a sequel to this particular story I absolutely want more stories.

The characterization is what I loved - and especially the Lex/Lois and Lex/Superman stuff in the final chapter.

Its about Lois and Clark but too often the characters Lex and Clark and the nexus between them is forgotten. You have not done that. Thank you.

One of the best Superman/Superboy stories I've seen/read is from the old Superboy TV series where Lex and Superboy are trapped in a mine. Both slowly dying, the epsisode was a long study of each as he relates to the other and what drives that relationship.

As with your story it was the focus on characterization that made it great.

Thanks.

Thanks Randi

You've made me feel a whole lot better about all those times I bugged my poor BRs with a: "But would they really say that?!"

You're very welcome! (I'll pretend that it was done intentionally. Shh.)

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment

Dave

A really long time ago, David, you said:
Here's hoping you truly meant it, because it's been weeks and weeks since Clark escaped the cage and fell through Lois's door, broken and hurt and wearing the cape.

That image was so great, so vivid and shocking, I didn't see how I'd be able to wait until part 2.

(There's a kind of irony here, in that it took me until today to read parts 2-4 of this incredibly fast-paced, doesn't give you a minute to breathe, fic. I totally see that.)

In a word, finally, as tardy as I am: wonderful.

This is completely different, original, refreshing, smart, so skillfully rendered. It feels like... watching something under strobe lighting... if that makes a bit of sense. The way the lights flicker off and on so fast your eyes can't follow fluid movement, but see the quick cuts instead.

That's how this reads. And that's what makes this so memorable. There is no time to slow down, the events just happen and keep happening, and the way you crafted the tension by chopping up the words and sentences into images and fractured thoughts is just... ok, I've used 'wonderful'... um... really excellent.

Thank you for such a great read!

Now... how's that sequel coming along?

CC

Of course I meant that.

I'm amazed and grateful and... amazed that you'd leave fdk after so long. Did I mention that I'm amazed? Add 'touched' in there too. Because... wow. Thank you for taking the time after this long.

In a word: ... Ok, after reading this story you probably wouldn't believe I can't reply in a word, but... I can't. I'm just... amazed. And very glad you enjoyed it.

I'm not quite sure that' a compliment, since I get images of my high school science teacher running around espousing the wonders of strobe lighting and parabolic motion, flitting around in my head, but... I *am* going to take it as one, so, thank you.

Before I babble on... thanks. I'm very glad you enjoyed it.

Thank you for such great comments!

And... erm... that sequel. Well... the sequel, it seems, is being pushed back.

I wont make excuses, but... ok, I *will* make excuses.

There's the fundraiser story and the back up fundraiser story, in case I decide not to run with the first, the story I've wanted to start for a while, and the TOGOM adaptation someone might have strongly hinted at... And... and... I'll get right on it.