FDK:Haunting Eden-Part 1 - Lois & Clark Fanfic Message Boards

Hi,

Interesting start.

Will someone find her before is too late?

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Strangled, Clark jerked forcefully upward, only to be yanked back down by his restraints. His breathing came in pants, an icy cold sheen of sweat soaking through his clothes. Blood pounded through his head and in his ears, and his entire body shook violently. The image of Lois’s glassy eyes seared through his brain.

Again his fingers sought the chain beneath his uniform. He pressed against the ring, happy to feel it cutting into his skin. Safe.

It was only a dream. A nightmare. Lois didn’t die that day. He’d saved her. He’d saved her. She was still alive.

He repeated it like a mantra.

Lois was still alive.

Both sense something is wrong.

More ASAP, please.

MAF

My attention is yours regarding "Haunting Eden". I like the old re-cap of events with the new twist.

(Commenting as I go because I keep getting distracted, and I'm sure I'll forget stuff by the time I'm done.)

I'm loving how you're fleshing out the pilot, making things make a lot more sense. For example:

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He thought a minute as he grabbed his coat. Chances were she would request Americanized versions of Chinese dishes, nothing on the menu of the particular restaurant he had in mind. “Oh, I’ll bring an assortment."

Wow, I never thought about that. I'd just assumed he was dashing out and didn't want to take the time. I never stopped to think that he wouldn't be able to get the dishes she ordered!

It's a minor thing, sure, but this part is full of stuff like that, and, collectively, they're very impressive.

One thing that had me concerned, though... Do Mi and Lo know Clark is Superman? That kind of struck me when you said he told them about his new job in Metropolis.

Ooo, I really like Clark's fortune! That's a very nice touch!

... Although, come to think, it's not really as true for Clark, given that he flies at super speed. Still, it's definitely true for him on some level...

Whoa. You weren't kidding about WHAMs, were you? That was out of the blue. Yikes.

Of course, now I'm disoriented and wondering exactly when Lois is. Hopefully that'll sort itself out soon enough.

... Ahh, yes. Sorted. And, despite the pills, she's awake. For now. Poor Lois.

You know, this is a very interesting format. It's a little disorienting jumping around in mood and time like this, but it's also kind of cool.

Wait... no powers? Ouch. Nightmare. Although it sounds like RL is more of a nightmare right now... Whatever it is that's actually happening to him, anyway. Captured by Nor, I presume? Or is he in some kind of NK hospital?

What the heck is happening to him?

Only one way to find out, I guess...

Very interesting story, Lynn. I'm not sure whether or not I'll be able to keep reading (I need happy things in my reading...), but I have to say this looks very cool.

Paul

Thanks, Maria, Kitt and Paul, for both reading and taking the time to offer feedback!! I really appreciate it.

Paul - I understand completely if you have to stop reading. This story is rather long (put it this way - I needed to start posting now in order to make sure I got the entire story in before the holidays), so I know that RL and other things will most likely come up. Too, since I've said this was a dark fic but have left that warnking kind of ambiguous, I know that it's possible for it to become "too" dark.

But any feedback is so valuable, so I really do thank you all for it.

I'm off to post Part 2 now.

Lynn

Lynn, wow! And yes, what Paul said!

While typically not very fond of angst in the L&C fanfic that I read, this is a very interesting and intriguing mixture of their early relationship, and their current circumstances, the mystery of the latter REALLY making me wonder just WHAT is really going on.

I'll stick with this as long as I can, because I'd really like to know how Clark wound up in restraints, and because you write beautifully.

(the clapping is for your beautiful writing, not because Clark is in restraints, but you knew that...)

Vicki