*****Madness: Chapter Two*****
"Yet mad I am not... and very surely I do not dream."
-- Edgar Allen Poe, in The Black Cat
Clark sat in the passenger seat of the Jeep as Lois for once took it slow on their way home. He kept his arms firmly planted on the armrests- just in case his powers returned at random and overwhelmed him or (the more likely explanation) in case Lois' driving returned to its usual state of out-of-control.
He turned to look out the window with a sigh. He didn't know why, but somehow Clark felt very nervous about this whole situation. He wanted kids- no doubt about it. That wasn't the problem at all. No, the problem was the kryptonite. What if it didn't wear off as quickly as Bernie claimed? Or if he didn't gain an immunity to it? Or if somehow the kryptonite weakened his child in the future? What if he couldn't leave for a rescue on time because he didn't have his powers back yet, or because he couldn't afford to leave at that point in time?
He stiffened. Where had that thought come from? He hadn't worried so much about juggling Superman's life and Clark Kent's before. Why should this be any different? His powers would be gone for thirty minutes, twice a week. No big deal. An hour a week? Please.
You know exactly what the worry is, he chided himself. An hour a week was nothing compared to entire days- or worse, having his powers, but not being able to go help with a rescue fast enough because he had a screaming, crying baby in his arms.
His mind was running a mile a minute with the possibilities. What if he didn't want to go on rescues at all anymore, once the baby was born? What if he just didn't even listen in to the calls for help because he was too overwhelmed with work and the baby and Lois and everything else? What if it was the opposite, and he was too busy to spend any time with his child? Or with Lois? How could he ever live with himself if any of that happened?
He forced himself to take a deep breath. Those were problems for a hundred tomorrows from now. He shouldn't be worrying about it- he had plenty of time before he even had to think about such things. Lois wasn't even pregnant yet.
But she could be soon.
Clark felt his heart leap up to his throat and couldn't fight to keep the smile off his face. No matter his crazy theories or the possible consequences of having a child- they were having a child. He refused to back out just because he was having some doubts about his own competence. Besides, all the books said those were normal emotions to run through in the months before parenthood. He was normal. He was fine.
When he finally let loose another sigh, this one of relief, Lois snapped. "What?"
Clark looked back at her, startled. "What?"
"You've been moping and sighing the whole drive home. I can't take it any more. What's your problem?"
"Nothing. I'm perfectly fine."
"Yeah. That's why you've been completely silent this whole time," she retorted bitingly. Clark winced slightly and Lois struggled to tamp down her anger. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so short. But you know- you're not just getting the kryptonite- I'm getting tested and injected too, so I'm sorry if I can't be entirely civil all of the time, Mr. Perfect. And you know, you're not so perfect either, so stop looking at me with such judgement."
He must have looked pretty confused, Clark mused, because she glanced at him and softened her features, releasing a sigh of her own. "I'm sorry. I think that last hormone injection did a number on me. What were you thinking about?"
He shrugged. "Not much really." Liar, his subconscious berated himself. You've covered just about everything under the sun.
Lois paused, thinking a while. "Are you... okay with everything?"
He looked to his wife quizzically. "What? Of course I'm okay."
"But I mean... I know how much you hate the kryptonite needles, and doctors, and you're just sitting here all silent ever since we left Dr. Klein's office. Of course, Bernie did tell me to talk with you and try to get you to open up, but I didn't know why. Did you say something to him? Is the kryptonite causing you any more pain?"
"Honey, I'm fine," Clark jumped in quickly before the babble went on unchecked. "Really, I am. My powers should be coming back within the next ten-fifteen minutes or so, and I'm not in any pain or anything, so I'm fine. All right?"
Lois eyed him suspiciously out of the corner of her eye. "So, what's on your mind then?"
Clark had to work hard to restrain himself from loosing another sigh. "I don't know. It's just... it's all happening so fast. We started these tests only a week ago, Lois. What if the kryptonite does affect me some way, and keep me from catching a rescue, or if it does something to our future child? What if..."
"What if you're not ready for this?"
He snapped his head up to look at his wife, mouth agape. "No, no. That's not it at all. I am ready for this, Lois. I want to start a family with you- I can't tell you how much it would mean to me if we could have a child together. But... it doesn't keep the worries away."
"Like?"
The tone of her voice was gentle, non-threatening. She wanted him to open up about this, it seemed. Dr. Klein thought it would be beneficial also. And so he went on. "What if I screw this up? Or if something happened to you, or me? I couldn't survive without you, Lois. Or what if I can't balance life as Superman and life as a father? How could I possibly tear myself away from our child? Or abandon people in need when I don't want to be there? I don't know how I can manage, and I'm terrified that I'll mess it up."
Lois didn't respond for a few moments, and for a second there Clark worried he'd said something wrong. Her lips were pursed in thought and her brow furrowed. "Clark," she began slowly, still considering. "Everybody feels inadequate when it comes to parenting. I mean, you're raising another life form. I'm just as scared as you are that I'll screw this up. Look at my family background. Not exactly a sterling example in the field of parenting."
"Lois, don't talk that way. You're going to be a great mother."
"And you're going to be a great parent too, Clark." She turned in her seat slightly so as to face her husband better and establish some eye contact. "I've never known a man who was more destined to be a father than you are. You're loving, and sweet, and fun, and caring- and all the things my father wasn't- and you're going to be the best father in the world. In the universe," she corrected with a smile. "And it doesn't hurt that you're Superman, either. Now, if you're really not a fan of the kryptonite needles and tests or how we're going about it, then maybe we can put it off and see if there's still any other options out there for us."
Clark shook his head firmly. "No. I want to do this. I want to have a baby with you, Lois. If you're willing to go through with it, then I'm on board with you a hundred percent."
Lois allowed a small, wistful smile to finally grace her features. "I am, Clark. I really am. I'm ready for this."
Clark smiled at his beautiful wife. "Then let's do it."
Lois smiled at him softly, thanking him with her eyes. Clark smiled back.
Suddenly something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. "Lois! Brake!"
Lois snapped her gaze back to the road ahead and slammed the brakes hard. They lurched forward in their seats, Clark clutching the armrests tightly and screwing his eyes shut. The car skidded to a stop, leaving both of them panting with adrenaline.
Clark rubbed the back of his neck, unused to the feeling of strain on it. Of all the times for something like this to happen, it had to be right after he'd been exposed to Kryptonite and pricked all over with needles. "Lois? You all right?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. You?"
Clark nodded. "Yeah."
"What the heck was that, Clark?"
"Sorry. I saw... I thought I saw something."
Lois scoffed. "What? Oh, you mean the manhole cover? Yeah, I saw that too."
"No! I mean, something... moved. In my peripheral. I saw it." Clark paused to rub his neck tenderly again. "Sorry."
Lois' expression softened and she released a sigh as she looked at him. "Hey, you sure you're okay, honey?"
Clark tossed her a taut smile. "Yeah. I'm fine. Just felt that a little more than usual, that's all. You know? I'm fine."
Lois gave his hand a light pat before putting the car back into gear and drove on. Clark released a breath he'd been holding and shook his head to clear it. But it did nothing to dispel his sudden feelings of uneasiness.
