**********
It couldn't have really happened.
It had to be a nightmare.
Lois's seemingly lifeless form, connected to tubes and wires, wasn't real. They were really in bed sleeping waiting for the alarm clock to ring.
As he had realized so many times today, this was real. Lois really had given birth to their beautiful little girl, but she had lost a lot of blood, and eventually her uterus in the process.
What had they done to deserve this?
Would she ever wake up?
His only comfort was the beeping monitors recording the steady beating of her heart.
Lois didn't deserve this. She had done everything right.
As soon as they had removed her uterus, they had been able to stop the bleeding. Something had caused the placenta to lodge in her uterine wall, and they hadn't been able to remove it correctly. When they tried to get it out, the more blood she lost.
How had it happened to her? What had they done to deserve this?
Why hadn't he been able to do something?
Why had he been paralyzed by fear?
He had saved her so many times before, but why hadn't he been able to help her this time when it was more important than ever before?
Because there had been so much more at stake than ever before. He'd never been so close to losing her. Maybe that was why he had lost it so completely.
"I love you," Clark whispered as he pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear.
He wasn't sure what to say, but he engaged in a silent prayer to whoever was listening. Lois didn't deserve this. Their baby didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve this.
Yes, he did deserve it. He had frozen. He hadn't been able to help her.
No, Lois didn't deserve him. What would she say when she found out what he had let happen to her?
If she woke up.
No, she had to wake up.
She was going to wake up.
He needed her.
Their baby needed her.
Lois was going to wake up.
She HAD to wake up.
Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door, interrupting Clark's wallowing. During his woeful vigil, waiting for Lois to wake up, he had forgotten that his parents and Lois's mother were waiting.
Did they know what had happened?
His mother slowly opened the door and tentatively peaked in. "Clark? Are you okay?"
“Mom,” Clark answered, voice shaking uncontrollably. He tried to control the tears that were threatening to fall, so he couldn’t say anything more even if he would have wanted to. He hadn't cried so much in his whole life compared to the tears he had shed today.
“Clark?” his mother asked quickly, fearing the worst. He looked worse now than when she had first seen him in the bathroom cradling Lois's head. Ellen had talked to a doctor, before she had gone to get Lucy from the airport, so they knew what had happened, but the impact hadn't exactly sunk in until they saw Lois's pale form so small on the large hospital bed.
“Son?” Jonathan asked, barely finding his voice.
He tried to take a deep breath to collect his thoughts before he tried to talk again. It was hard enough to keep a straight face when he was dying inside. Lois was his life. Without her, nothing in the world mattered.
Even though they were anxious to hear what had happened, they had to let Clark deal with this situation at a comfortable speed. As anxious as they were, they couldn’t rush him, especially if something had gone catastrophically wrong.
Clark began, "I lost it. I really lost it. I couldn’t even remember my name, much less how to help her. I couldn’t help her. I knew exactly what I needed to do, but I froze." He blurted it out without even thinking. Now that his parents were here, all of his guilt came to the surface and overflowed.
"Honey, don't think about that. It was a horrible shock to your system."
"We were all shocked," Jonathan added.
"She was in labor, and something had happened to make her blood pressure drop to the point where she fainted. I couldn’t help her.” By the time he finished the sentence, his words became inaudible sobs. He stood up and began pacing around the room aimlessly.
“Oh, Clark!” his mother exclaimed, wrapping a comforting arm around his shuddering shoulders. “You should sit down. Take deep breaths.”
Her own heart was pounding with dread, but she needed to help Clark settle down. “Now tell me what the doctors said,” she tried to ask calmly, even though she was a nervous wreck. The day had taken a lot out of her, but her heart went out to her son. She knew how much he treasured his wife and how much he had been looking forward to their baby's birth. Plus, he had to be killing himself inside because he hadn't been able to help her himself.
His words came out in a spurt of energy, “The baby was in a dangerous breech position. Her body was already ill, so it couldn’t take the stress. She was overwhelmed. Through it all, I sort of knew that was what was wrong, but I couldn’t form the words or move to help her. I was paralyzed with fear. It’s all my fault! I couldn’t help her. I am Superman, but I was frozen in place. They rushed her into an emergency C-section and they got the baby out.” He gasped for a quick breath before he continued, “She’s a healthy little girl. And she’s so beautiful. She looks just like a little version of Lois.” He couldn’t be happy about that, though. Not when Lois still was not out of the woods. He couldn’t let himself play the proud father yet . . . although he was definitely that. As long as Lois was unconscious, he wouldn’t be able to think about anything else.
His mother didn’t say anything to congratulate him because she knew he wasn’t done with the story. He hadn’t allowed himself to talk about what had happened to Lois during the surgery yet. In order to prod him along, she whispered, afraid of agitating him, “And what about Lois? How is she?”
“Mom,” he sobbed, “I know Ellen must have heard about this already, but Lois lost a lot of blood after they got the baby out. It’s all my fault. Apparently, the placenta had lodged very deeply into her uterine wall. It took them forever to get it out. She was bleeding so much. And then when they were trying to get her uterus to contract back to harden up, it wouldn’t stop bleeding. Before she lost any more blood, they had to do a hysterectomy. And I couldn’t stop them! It was all my fault! I didn’t want them to do it, but they had to or else she was going to die. I'm Superman, mom. Why couldn't I save her? I can save everyone else in the world, but I can't save the one person that means the most to me in the world. I could have let them take another chance to save it, but I didn’t want to take the chance she might have lost too much blood.” He stopped to take a breath, but continued immediately, “I can’t believe this is happening. I should have been able to do something. They should have seen this coming at her last appointment. They could have known something like this was going to happen. I should have known what was happening. I’m Superman, right? She’s my wife. I should have stayed home today. I shouldn’t have listened to her. I knew something was wrong. Why couldn’t I do anything, Mom?”
“Oh my!” his mother exclaimed. This all seemed like a horrible nightmare. How had this happened to their family?
Jonathan stood by, shell shocked by Clark's soliloquy.
Clark still found himself blubbering almost inaudibly, “Lois and I will never be able to have any more children. And I don’t know if Lois will ever wake up. She lost so much blood. It’s been almost an hour and she still hasn’t woken up. It's all my fault. If I wasn't so different . . .”
"Clark!" Jonathan interrupted. He knew almost nothing about pregnancy or about Clark's physiology, but there was one thing he was sure of. "You didn't cause this. It's NOT your fault. This was a freak event that could have happened to anyone."
Martha nodded, knowing Jonathan was right. However, she knew her son well enough to realize that he wouldn't accept that statement. She knew that they couldn’t do anything but be there for their son, but just being there was much better for both Clark and Lois and their baby than leaving them alone.
Clark looked at Lois and ran a finger down her cheek. He acted like he hadn't heard a word his father had said. “I have . . .” he choked over his words, but forced himself to continue, “. . . been in love with her since the moment I set eyes on her,” he said with a wry smile on his face as he squeezed his wife’s limp hand.
He couldn’t help but grin when he remembered what they both had been like oh so long ago. Even now, so many years later, the day they met played vividly in his mind. It was a day that had changed his life forever. He could remember every word they said to each other that fateful day, the exact position of her every hair and the exact suit she had been wearing. She was so full of life; her temper was so fiery; she was so beautiful. Even then, he’d known that he was in love with her, that she was the woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with. It had just taken her a little longer to realize that she was in love with him too. But ever since they day she had finally come to her senses, they had been together.
“When I first laid eyes on her,” he repeated for his own benefit.
He had known so long ago that Lois was the woman he was meant to love. As many people had told him in the past, they were preordained to be together. He had always thought that they were soulmates.
“She’s my whole world . . . my heart, my soul, my life . . .” he said repeating the words she had used to describe him once. “I would not be able to live without her. And this is all my fault. If it hadn’t been for me, she would be awake and her old, vivacious self right now.” Then he sobbed woefully, “I can’t live without her.”
“Clark, sweetheart, you won’t have to live without her. She’s going to wake up,” his mother said confidently. Even though Lois looked horrible, Martha knew she would pull through. Lois was a fighter. She wouldn’t let something like this lick her so easily without a well-fought battle.
Without any response, he put his head next to Lois's and listened to her steady heartbeat. It was his only solace. She was alive. Unconscious, but alive. She was going to wake up. She had to wake up. He grabbed her hand and stroked it, willing her to open her eyes.
"Jonathan, let's leave them alone," Martha whispered to her husband, taking his hand and silently tiptoeing out the door.
When Clark realized his parents had left, he noticed the painful silence that permeated the room. He looked around the dark, gloomy room with these bare, white walls and drab, beige curtains. Still clutching on to her hand for dear life, he stood up and opened the curtains, bathing the room in light from the streetlights below. Even this was better than nothing. Then he sat back down in the same position he had been in for the last hour, his head next to Lois's, breathing in the sweet sent of her shampoo on her lovely dark brown locks. Then he found himself praying for the hundredth time that day that she would wake up.
Martha and Jonathan had been down at the nursery looking at the baby and Martha had convinced the nurses to allow her to bring the baby in her little bassinette on wheels to her mother. It had taken a lot of convincing, but Martha had been very persistent. They thought that if Lois could feel her daughter's presence, maybe it would give her the impetus to open her eyes.
When they got to Lois’s room wheeling their little granddaughter with them, they saw their little boy's wife, still peacefully asleep, looking so tiny and so pale on the large, white bed. Then they saw their son, her devoted husband, with his head on the bed next to hers looking absolutely distraught . . . not to mention heartbroken.
Clark looked like a lost little boy, not a confident reporter and Superhero and a prideful new father. He was muttering inaudibly and planting little kisses on his wife's cheek in between whatever words he was saying.
“Do you want to hold your daughter, Clark?” Martha asked as she came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. She knew that Clark hadn’t even tried to look at his daughter since she had been born. He’d been far too busy keeping his vigil by Lois’s bedside.
Clark raised his head and then turned and looked at the tiny infant in Martha’s arms. He felt tears spring to his eyes again. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I don’t know anything any more.” He shook his head in disbelief of how his world had so suddenly and completely turned upside down. “I know I want Lois to be able to hold her daughter. I don’t feel like I should have the right to if she can’t.” He shook his head resolutely. “I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s the only girl I’ve ever loved . . .” even that seemed a trivial thing to say, but, to him, it was so important. “Everything I do, I do for her.”
Martha squeezed his shoulder reassuringly knowing that she couldn't even imagine the pain her boy was feeling. He had so much going through his troubled mind. “I know how much you love Lois, but now there’s someone else that needs your attention, too.”
“Does she have a name, son?" Jonathan asked gruffly, obviously trying to hold back his emotions, as he pulled the bassinette closer.
“I . . . I . . . I can’t name her. Lois . . . Lois was going to name her if she was a girl . . . I was going to name the baby if it was a boy, but I probably would have ended up letting her name him, too. We couldn’t agree on a name, so we came up with that plan to solve the problem. Even though I was pretty sure the doctor probably told her that it was a girl ahead of time and that’s why she agreed on it. I don’t even know what her choices were.”
Martha was sure she had done a good thing. Bringing the baby into the room had been a turning point. Clark had directed some of his attention to his daughter, and his face had brightened considerably. Even if Lois didn't respond to the baby, at least Clark had something else to think about.
***********
The night dragged on endlessly. Clark had lost all sense of time and space. Had it been five minutes, or five hours?
He only knew that Lois still wasn't awake.
His gaze drifted away from his wife's limp body and to his sleeping baby. He hadn't let himself think of his daughter, the helpless life he had helped create. Why couldn't he look at her?
This little life was a miracle. She was so perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, a little button nose, two tiny ears, two big, brown eyes.
She was perfect.
For the first time, he reached in to her bassinette and gently touched his daughter's soft skin. She was real. He was responsible for the tiny life before him.
What had he done to deserve something so perfect?
When the baby's tiny hand grasped his large finger, Clark knew that this baby was really alive. He felt a strong connection with his daughter, the one person in the world that shared any of his genes. She was the perfect combination of Lois and himself.
His heart felt like it would burst with happiness. He'd never experienced this feeling before.
Did he have the right to be so happy when Lois wasn't yet awake? Could this joy outweigh his guilt?
“Clark?” Lois whispered in a hoarse, barely audible voice.
Was it a dream? Could that really be Lois, or was his mind playing tricks on him again? He'd learned today that his mind could be cruel. Could he be hallucinating?
“Lois?” Clark hoped he wasn’t dreaming when he heard that beautiful sound. “Lois?” When he noticed that her eyes were open, he breathed a sigh of relief and took the first normal breath since this whole ordeal had begun. “Oh my god, you’re awake! I can't believe it.” He leaned down and planted desperate kisses all over her face. “I love you so much, Lois. I thought I was going to lose you. I love you so much.” His words jumbled together as his face was buried against hers.
“I love you too, Clark,” Lois whispered. She had no idea what was going on. Why did she feel so horrible? Why was Clark crying? She had never seen him cry. “Where. . . am. . . I?” she asked, terrified, not sure if she wanted to know the answer.
This room seemed so bleak and dreary . . . and unfamiliar. The last thing she remembered was telling Clark to get her something. . . ice cream, maybe? It seemed like that was only a second ago. How had she ended up here? Why did she hurt so much? Every muscle in her body ached. It felt like every nerve ending was on fire.
Clark took a deep breath and not sure to start, began with the most obvious fact. “You’re in the hospital, honey."
Lois gasped. The hospital. Now that made a little more sense. She knew it didn't look like their bedroom!
Clark continued, words flowing almost too fast for her to discern. "You went into labor. We have a healthy little daughter! Oh, honey, she’s beautiful!” Then he changed the subject, saying, “Lois, I found you collapsed in the bathroom and there was blood . . . and . . . and I froze. I'm so sorry, Lois. I couldn't move, couldn't help you. If you hate me, I don't blame you at all.” He paused to take a deep breath before he continued.
Lois only caught snippets of what he had said. Her heart beat wildly as she tried to understand what had happened. “The hospital? Blood? Collapsed? Hate him?” She was more frightened than she had been before. What had happened to her? How had she ended up here? Her mind still felt like mush. She couldn’t form a coherent thought if she tried.
He immediately tried to reassure her. “It’s all okay now, though, Lois. You’re okay. You're going to be fine.”
By the look in her eyes, he realized that she was frightened beyond belief. She probably had no recollection of any of the events that had taken place. How could she? She had been unconscious the whole time.
In a way, she was lucky. Since she couldn't remember anything, she didn't have the horrific images of today running through her mind constantly.
He needed to stop the self-pity. Lois was the one who had been through hell. She'd been unconscious; she had been the one who had gone through a terrible surgery. He couldn't compare his emotional pain to her emotional and physical pain.
She had no idea what had happened. And he wasn't being any help. He needed to get his head together.
He tried to explain as much as he could without scaring her too much, but he couldn’t tell her everything. Not yet. She wasn't strong enough to handle it. He wasn't strong enough to tell her.
He decided to start with the amazingly positive consequence of the day. “We have a baby, Lois. A little girl!" The words flowed out, uncontrolled, his emotion taking over, "You were in labor, all day I think. I guess we didn't realize what was happening." He took a shuddering deep breath. This was the painful part. "You already had some kind of viral infection, so your body couldn’t cope with the stress . . . so when you started to have contractions, apparently you started bleeding. And the placenta was lodged in your uterus. I don’t know how or why. . .” His voice trailed off, unable to continue. The pain was still too fresh. He didn't want to go through it again.
Lois was almost too afraid to voice the thought on her mind. She had been in labor? That was why she felt all this pain. Oh the pain. But she didn't remember . . .
If she had been in labor, then they should have a baby.
Why wasn’t Clark telling her about the baby?
Had something horrible happened?
Was that why he looked so horrible?
Something horrible had happened. She'd never seen Clark so downtrodden.
“Our baby?” she whispered, not sure if she really wanted to know the truth.
Hadn’t Lois heard him tell her about the baby? He’d told her twice. Or maybe he hadn’t told her twice. His mind was racing so fast, he might have forgotten about the most important thing of all. It was the one good thing that had happened today. Their daughter was amazing, a living miracle.
He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it gently. “Oh, honey, we have a little girl! And she’s so healthy and so beautiful. She looks just like you.” He put her hand back down on the bed and stood up. “Do you want to see her?” When she nodded, he made his way over to their daughter’s bassinette. Then he gently picked up their sleeping daughter and kissed her tiny head.
“Can I see her?” Lois asked softly. She was still having trouble comprehending everything that had gone on. It seemed like she was still in some sort of dream world.
If their daughter was perfect and wonderful, why was Clark so upset? Something must have happened? Was he upset that their baby was born? No. That couldn't be right. He was happy. Yes, she could tell he was overjoyed. The way he looked at the little bassinette was something she had never seen before.
But there was an undertone of something deeper.
Oh, god, that was a little bassinette. And he was holding a tiny baby.
Their baby.
Their daughter.
It seemed almost surreal; in her mind, the baby had been in her belly just a second ago, and now she was in Clark's arms. Lois had no memory of their baby's birth. She had no time to ponder that thought, though, because Clark had brought their baby to the bed.
For the first time, Lois was brought face to face with her brand new daughter. Her baby girl. She'd waited nine months to meet this beautiful baby.
Those wide eyes, surveying everything going on in the room. Those perfect ears, tiny hands and feet, ten fingers, ten toes. She was real.
"Oh my god," Lois breathed. "Our daughter."
Clark perched on the bed next to her and marveled at Lois's interaction with their baby. It was a moment he had imagined so many times, but now that it was finally here, Clark couldn't describe his feelings.
“She needs a name,” Clark whispered as he stroked their baby's head.
“Joy," Lois said instantly as she looked into her daughter's big brown eyes.
"Joy?" Clark repeated.
Lois stroked the baby's head and said, "Joy. She's a tiny miracle and we're so blessed to have her."
Clark smiled slightly. "And we're so happy."
"Joyful." Lois softly kissed the top of her new baby's head. She had no idea why she had no recollection of her baby's birth, but she was overjoyed to be holding her healthy little girl.
"Joy Lane Kent,” Clark said. "It's beautiful."
"She's so incredible."
"Isn't she?"
“Every time I look at her, I realize how blessed I am to have someone this perfect in my life, and I've only known her for ten minutes. I can't believe I didn't think I wanted one of these for so long. Just looking at her almost . . . makes me want more. Almost.”
Clark bit his lip so the tears that were threatening to fall wouldn’t escape. He had to tell Lois what had happened during the surgery, but he was such a coward. He almost couldn’t believe that he’d let it drag on this long. “Lois,” his voice cracked a little. “Sweetheart . . .”
“Clark? What’s wrong?”
“Honey, I am so sorry, but during your c-section . . .”
“What? What happened?”
“Lois,” he whispered, “Oh, God, I don’t know how to tell you this.”
“What? Clark? Now you’re scaring me! Just please tell me.”
“During your c-section . . . you wouldn’t stop bleeding. They tried everything they could, Lois, really they did. But you were going to bleed to death . . .”
“W-w-what does that mean, Clark?” She felt cold and she stated to shake. Something had gone horribly wrong. She wasn't sure how she knew what Clark was going to say, but she had an idea. She didn't want to hear it. Maybe if he never said it, she would never have to acknowledge it.
How could he tell her what happened? This was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. Not only was he telling Lois the worst news imaginable, but he was also reliving his worst nightmare.
Lois deserved to know. He couldn't let her go any longer without knowing the truth.
Reaching out to take her hand and putting his other hand around his daughter, Clark took a deep breath and began, "Honey, the placenta lodged in your uterus. They couldn't stop the bleeding."
Lois inhaled sharply. "Oh my god."
"You were losing blood as fast as they could transfuse it in." Clark squeezed her hand, realizing how close he had been to losing her.
She already knew what had happened. They couldn't have any more children. She'd lost more blood than they could transfuse in.
They had given her a hysterectomy.
"They had to take your uterus to stop the bleeding," Clark said, on the verge of tears.
"Oh my god," Lois breathed again. Deep down, she had known what he was trying to tell her, but it didn't feel real until she had heard him say it.
She wasn't sure what to make of it all. God, poor Clark. He must have been through hell watching everything unfold. She'd been the lucky one. Being unconscious, she'd had no idea what was happening. To her it seemed like just a second ago when Clark had come home from work and she had gone to the bathroom.
But she was also the one that had lost her uterus. She would never be able to have another baby.
"I am so sorry, Lois," Clark breathed.
For the first time, Lois felt tears spring to her eyes. This couldn't have happened, not to her. Just this morning, she had been fine. Now, she felt like her world had crashed down around her.
This should have been the best day of her life. She had given birth to a perfect little baby girl, but she had lost something so essential to her identity as a woman.
"I can't believe it," she whispered. "It doesn't seem like it could have really happened, not to me."
"I'm so sorry," Clark repeated. He had no idea what to tell her. It was his fault, plain and simple.
He had done this to her.
How could she ever look at him again?
Lois sobbed, "I can't believe that just yesterday we were arguing about whether our baby would have your powers."
Clark let Lois cry on his shoulder as he whispered, "Now I'm just thankful the two of you are alive."
Their lives had changed forever in so many ways. It had been the best day of their lives and also possibly one of the worst at the same time. They had been given the best gift imaginable, but at the same time they had been brutally robbed.
********************
to be continued
