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Part 5: Dawn
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I’m hovering outside Lois’s window for the second time tonight. Or should I call it skulking? I’ve only been here a few seconds, but what I saw when I arrived was enough to kill what hope I had.
When Mom came to my room and told me that Lois had called, I thought there might be a reason for some hope after all. I hadn’t expected to hear from her before tomorrow, at the earliest. I tried to ask Mom what sort of mood Lois was in. She went all poker-faced on me and all I could get out of her was that Lois wasn’t happy. I could have guessed that part.
Lois is sitting in her living room. She’s pulled two chairs so that they’re facing each other. The way the room is set up, it looks like this is going to be the interview. I made that offer because I felt that I owed her something, and I couldn’t think of anything else. I never expected her to take me up on it. I drift over to her open window and go in. As my feet touch her floor, she continues to stare forward with that same serious expression that I saw from outside. If she hears me, she doesn’t give a sign.
I try to be as upbeat as possible. “Hi, Lois.”
She continues to stare at the empty chair. “Please come and sit down.” Her voice is cold. It’s not anger, just a very businesslike tone. She doesn’t even look at me.
I can’t bring myself to do this in the suit. I move away from the window and spin into my Clark clothes. Then I step over to the chair and sit down. I’m trying to smile as best I can. I’m failing.
She doesn’t have a note pad. I’m not sure what that means. I’ve never seen her do a serious interview without taking notes. She looks up at me. I wish I could read that expression.
She takes a second to gather herself and says, “Tell me why I should believe anything you’re going to say.” Now I can see some emotion. She looks so hurt I just want to crawl away.
“Because I have nothing left to hide.” I wonder if it sounds as pathetic to her as it does to me.
“Everyone has secrets, Clark.”
“Yes. I have the same kinds of personal secrets that other people do. I have my hopes and fears – and dreams. If that’s what you plan to ask, then I guess I won’t be able to keep my promise for this interview after all.”
“Do you really think I’d ask personal questions like that for an interview?”
“I didn’t think you’d be interviewing me for that story at all. I thought… It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does!” She still sounds hurt. Maybe my coming back tonight wasn’t a good idea. But, after she called, I had no other choice but to come.
“I made that offer for an interview because I’ve hurt you, and I felt like I had to offer something to try to make up for what I’ve done. If it’s what you want, I’ll do my best to complete the interview. Honestly, I didn’t think you would write a story to expose me and my parents.”
“Who said I was?”
My head pops up. “What?”
“Clark, I’m not going to expose you.”
I feel the stirrings of hope but I don’t dare go there. “Then what’s this about?”
“It's about trying to come to terms with who you are and what that means. It's about us.”
I can't believe she just said that. Can there still be an us? “Lois, please tell me what I can do.”
“You can be honest. This is just between you and me, but I want the most complete truth possible.”
I feel the hope growing but I can’t get ahead of myself. “When I told you about my identity, I intended that there would be no more lies, distortions, half-truths or anything else. Give me the chance to prove I can do that.”
“Then tell me about what you've felt and why you’ve kept the Superman secret from me all this time.” There is a cautious tenderness in her voice. For the first time tonight, I feel like I'm in the same room as my best friend.
I think for a few seconds. “Lois, it’s a long story and – sort of complicated. Are you sure you want all of it?”
“Clark, I need to understand what you’ve been thinking. This is very important.”
“Okay.” I think for a moment how to present this part of the last year and a half. “Well, the whole point of Superman was to be able to use my abilities to help, while keeping the secret that Clark Kent was different from anyone else. When first I got the idea, I couldn’t imagine telling anyone. Then, when I made my first appearance, I was just happy that you didn't recognize me. A little later I think I would have told you but...”
“What, Clark?”
“I wanted you to like me as Clark, but you hardly noticed me. Do you remember Alan Morris? You know, the Invisible Man. As Clark, that’s what I felt like during those first months. When you got so… I’m sorry Lois, but you wanted the truth. When you got so obsessed with Superman, it messed up my mind. When I look back, I can see I was sending all kinds of mixed signals. It was a mistake, but I couldn’t help myself. It was the only way to get you to see me at all. When I was in the suit, you’d look at me that way that I wanted you to. But as Clark…”
“You aren’t being fair!” There is an edge of anger but it’s more defensive than attacking.
“I’m trying to be! You said you wanted me to tell you the truth about why I presented myself as two different people. Do you want my version of the truth, or do you want me to say it’s all my fault for being stupid?”
She takes a second to compose herself. “I’m a big girl. I want to know the truth as you saw it.”
I do my best to smile. “Thank you, Lois. Please believe me when I say that the last thing I want to do is get you angry again tonight. But these are things that played a role in how we got here and… well, if you want the truth, they’re important.”
She actually manages a small smile. “I understand. We need to get these things out if we’re going to have a future.”
At that last phrase, I’m sure my heart skipped. She’s thinking about a future… for us! Okay, now it’s my turn to compose myself. “Anyway, I know I didn’t help matters, but as Superman I could help you and – hold you and I got to see that smile. As Clark, there was nothing like that, and it was too hard to resist. After a while it seemed like you were ready to give Clark a chance so I tried backing off as Superman in the hope that you’d become more interested in me as Clark. Unfortunately, you turned to Lex.”
Lois jerks forward. “Clark! What did you expect? You never seemed that interested and Lex was…”
“I’m not blaming you. I wish I would have handled that differently almost as much as you do.”
She had almost jumped out of her chair. After a second, she leans back and motions that I should continue.
“I was still floundering with what to do when Lex proposed. As you know, that was enough to scare me into telling you about my feelings.”
I'm not sure this is the time to go over that episode. “Lois, can we just say that I was very confused during that time and whatever else I was thinking, it didn’t seem to be a good idea to tell you about my identity when you were about to marry Luthor.”
“I think we can skip over that time – for now,” she says. I don’t think she wants to talk about that period either.
There is one thing from that time that I fear needs to be brought up. I steady myself and change forward. “Lois, I’d like to bring up one thing that happened during the time of your engagement to Lex. I know it’s going to be painful but it is part of why I’ve kept the secret.”
“Go ahead.” She sounds as nervous as I feel.
“After the time in the park where, as Clark, I told you – how I feel, I came to you as Superman and you told me that you’d love me if I were an ordinary man. With what you know now, you can imagine how much that hurt. I’m not going to claim to be perfect or even right about a lot of the things I’ve done, but after that, I was convinced you’d never see Clark as anything but a coworker.”
“Clark, I’m very sorry. I hope you can believe that.” She sounds so sincere. How could I not forgive her?
“You don’t need to apologize. You asked me to be as truthful as possible about why I’ve kept the secret from you. I only mention this because it was part of that bigger picture. Aside from the pain of that moment, it left me very confused and more convinced than ever that you had no interest in Clark Kent.”
Lois looks more shaken than I expected. She asked for the truth. I don’t think she expected it to sound like this.
“Lois, please believe that I’m not trying to make this your fault. When I came over, I was ready to take all the blame, but you sounded like you honestly wanted my perspective on all this. I’ve been very confused, but there were reasons for what I’ve done.”
I see a small smile. “I believe you,” she says. “This is important. Your side of this is way more complicated than I expected, but I’m glad you’re telling me. So what’s happened since – the Planet was rebuilt?”
“Well, since that time, it's been a question of how to move forward. Once I’d known you for a year, it meant that I’d been maintaining two identifies for that long. I wasn’t invisible to you anymore, and I started to think that maybe you’d come to see me, as Clark, in a different light. I've wanted to tell you, but I knew that whenever this time came, it might make you angry enough to tell me to – get out of your life. I guess I've been hoping that we could get close, maybe dating or something, and if it worked out, then I'd have the courage to tell you.”
She's just sitting there. I wish she'd say something. She stands up and takes one step toward me.
“Clark, that day in front of the Planet, when you said that you didn’t really love me… Why did you do that? From what you said here earlier tonight, that was a lie. And that had nothing to do with Superman.” I hear something that I thought I’d never hear again. Could it be affection?
“Like I said, that day I was convinced that you weren’t interested in a personal relationship with me as Clark. I was afraid that you wouldn’t work with someone that was – in love with you. I wanted so much to be with you, even if it was only as your partner, that I panicked. I guess I was afraid again. Didn’t I say that earlier also, that I’ve been afraid and that’s caused me to make stupid mistakes?”
She reaches out and touches my cheek with her right hand. I can’t describe how wonderful her touch is on my skin. “If you would have let me go first that day, I would have told you that I stopped the wedding because I realized I felt more – love – for you than I did for Lex.”
The next second is a blur and I’m standing, holding her. The feel of her in my arms is intoxicating. However, the best part of all is the realization that she’s holding me as tightly as I am her. Earlier tonight I died. Now I feel born again. I don’t know what the future will hold now that Clark Kent is dead, but with Lois, I will survive.
Having your life handed back to you can be distracting. I completely lose track of time as I bask in the warmth of her embrace. I’m pulled from that euphoric bliss by her voice. “Clark, we’re floating.”
I open my eyes to discover Lois’s ceiling just inches from the top of my head. “Lois, you’ve always done this to me. Do you want to go down?”
She turns her head and leans against my chest. “Not yet, just don’t float us out the window.”
I leaned my head slightly foreword and kissed the top of her head. “Lois, I do love you. There’s no way I can’t tell you that now.”
Even though we’re still floating, she pulls back so I can see her face. She’s been crying too. She sniffles a bit as she begins to speak. “What I discovered tonight, even before I knew you were alive, was that I still feel the way I did that day when you should have let me go first. I love you, Clark, not because you’re Superman but because you’re my best friend – and so much more.”
Which reminds me that we have this small problem. “But Clark’s dead.”
I see a smug, happy smile that’s so bright it should hurt. “That’s another reason you need me. You’re in a jam and who here is the expert in those situations? I figured out how to solve that problem before I called your mom.”
I never doubt for a second that if Lois says she has the solution to a little problem like my being dead, then the problem is solved. “So Clark Kent is still alive?”
“Yes. Although it would have been polite to have told your partner that Superman had provided you with a bullet-proof vest. That way, when the force of the bullets knocked you out, I wouldn’t have been so upset.”
It’s so simple that I can’t believe I didn’t think of it myself. But genius is like that. Lois sees simple solutions where I see none at all. “Does that mean I can get a do-over on this evening where I show up at your door with that story?” I hope she can tell that I’m joking.
She fixes me with a serious, but not unpleasant stare. “Would you really want to?”
“And lose this? Lois, as painful as this evening has been, I’d do it a hundred times over to be where we are now.”
“And where are we?” The form is a question but I can’t help but hear it as an invitation.
I lean in so that my face is within inches of hers. “Together.”
As the distance between our faces dwindles and we approach our first real kiss, I feel the first rays of dawn streaming through Lois’s window. For a fleeting instant, I can’t help but think that this truly is the first day of the rest of our lives. In less than a second, I feel Lois’s lips on mine and my ability to think is lost in an explosion of joy.
The End
