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Part 3: Darkness
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I wish I could leave, but I can’t. Lois told me to get out and I will, but not until she knows the truth.
I’ve been hoping she'll remember to turn out the lights before she goes to bed. I don’t want to knock on her door to tell her I’m still here, but I will if that’s what it takes.
I hear her moving. It sounds like she’s heading for the door. I hope she doesn’t yell too much more. At least, not until I tell her.
She emerges with the look of a person on a mission. I hope she doesn’t mind an interruption. If I have to, I’ll make her stay. She takes two steps into the outer room before realizing that she isn’t alone.
“You’re still here!” she says in a startled tone. She doesn't sound angry anymore.
“I’m sorry, Lois, but I can't leave until you know the truth.” I mean to sound hopeful, but my voice comes out flat.
She looks nervous as she takes a step closer. “Superman, I’m sorry that I got so angry. I just hurt – so much. I never knew how much Clark meant to me and…”
I have to stop her before she says something that will make this even harder. “Stop!”
She looks like she’s been slapped. She obviously wasn’t ready for the abrupt tone. “What?” she asks.
Here we go. “Clark isn’t dead.” I try to use my best Superman voice, but it’s just not there.
That really seems to rock her. She’s just staring. My mind is screaming but I just have to wait. Suddenly I notice her eyes seem to glaze over and her knees are giving way. I catch her well before she reaches the floor. Her eyes are open and there is a level of alertness. I guess this wasn’t as much fainting as it was a shock-induced dizzy spell. I carry her over to her sofa and set her down as gently as I can.
“Lois, are you okay?”
“Superman, what did you say?”
“I’m sorry, Lois. Clark is alive.”
“He’s alive! How? Take me to him!”
I wish I could. So many things would have been so much easier if Clark and Superman really were different people. “You’ll see Clark in a minute. But first…” If I don’t say these things now, I may never get the chance. I kneel down beside her so we can talk on the same level. “Lois, I need to tell you some things. When I’m finished, you’ll see Clark. Okay?”
I can see confusion on her face. “I don’t want to talk now. I need to see him! Please take me to him!”
“Lois, I can’t do anything until you hear what I have to say. I promise that it will only take a minute.”
I’m surprised the anger from earlier tonight hasn’t reappeared. She looks calm but confused as she replies. “Okay, but first tell me, is he okay?”
“He’s fine – physically. Now will you please let me do this?”
“Go ahead.” There is a note of questioning in her reply.
I feel like I should just blurt it out. However, if I just tell her I’m Clark, I may never get to say the rest. Lois, please forgive me for this approach. “Remember that day on the bench when Clark said he loved you?”
“Of course.”
“What he didn’t say was that when he met you, his whole life changed. Since that first day, he’s been in constant fear of doing something – everything – wrong. That fear caused him to make one stupid mistake after another. One of the biggest mistakes of all was when he took back his declaration of love.”
“You mean…”
“Clark has been in love with you from the very beginning.” It feels so good to say it, even if this may be the only time.
“Superman, why are you telling me this?”
There’s one more thing I have to do first. “There was another mistake back when you were going to marry Luthor. I should have told you what I knew about him. I was trying so hard to do what’s right, but I got so confused. I was all mixed up with my own feelings and confused about how to deal with you and him. With all that in my head, I ended up just standing by and letting it happen. Then, that night, I was so hurt – and mad. Instead of being your friend and telling you the truth, I drove you right to Luthor. Lois, I’m so sorry.”
“Superman, I’m getting more confused. What does all that have to do with Clark?”
“I’m sorry that I’ve messed things up so much. I can tell it’s going badly tonight. I hope that some day you can find a way to forgive me. I hope that when this is all done, you can find some way to remember that I love you.”
“But…” The words seem to die in her throat. I hate confusing her like this but I don’t know what to do!
“Lois, I’ve been in love with you since the moment you stormed into Perry’s office during my interview.”
I can see the gears turning now. She’s figuring it out. I wish she was smiling.
Another few seconds tick by. Too many lies. Too much confusion. There's a way to clear this up right now. I straighten up, take a step back and spin into Clark Kent clothes.
“Lois, I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. I never meant to hurt you like this, but I can’t leave you believing that I’m dead.”
She looks to be in shock. “So you… this person, Clark, isn’t real?”
Not that! “No. It’s just the opposite,” I plead. “Clark is real. Being your partner is real! It’s Superman that’s – fake. He’s just a costume to let me to help people and still have a life.”
“How can I believe that?”
“You’ve met my parents. Do you honestly believe they aren’t real?”
“Clark, you’ve lied to me. You’ve never been honest with me at all.”
She can’t believe that. “That’s not true. I’ve been honest about everything other than Superman.”
Now I can see that some of that anger is back. “What am I supposed to think? You’re dead. Then you’re alive. Now you’re Superman. You say you lo… I thought I lost my best friend tonight. Now I don’t know what to believe. I thought you cared about me. You‘ve done nothing but lie to me from the very beginning!”
I wish there was less truth in that accusation. Lois is right. I have lied. I had so hoped that it wouldn't go this way. She's so important to me, but it looks like I've carried the secret too long. I came here to help Lois, and I guess I've succeeded. She'll be better now, even if my life is over. The lies hurt her so much. More than I ever realized.
She’s just sitting there. I wish I could read her better. She looks so lost and hurt. I want to hold her in my arms but I fear that time is past. I feel the weight of what I’ve taken from her this night. I love her, but I’ve taken so much.
It suddenly occurs to me that there's one last thing I can offer. “Lois, there’s nothing I can do to make up for the lies I’ve told. I fear that I’ll be paying the price of those for the rest of my life.” This is so hard. Now I feel too tired to stand. I step over to a chair and sit down.
“If I could undo this, I would. Since I can’t, I want to give you what I can. You’ve always wanted the definitive Superman interview. If you’d like, I’ll give you that now. I’ll answer any and every question you can think to ask. Smallville, secret identity, discovering I was different, whatever. It might be worth the Pulitzer that you deserve. All I ask in return is that you give me time to get my parents into hiding before you publish the story. Well, and I’d ask that you try to believe that I never meant to hurt you.”
I can see that she's hearing the words, but appears to be in a state of shock. I wait for over a minute but she never replies. Finally, I stand and spin back into the suit. “You can reach me at my parent’s house. Please let me know when you want the interview.”
As I step toward the window, Lois finds her voice. “Clark, why are you doing this?” I don’t hear the anger any more but the pain I hear in her voice is killing me.
I turn back and face her with a heavy sigh. “A room full of people saw Clark Kent die tonight. I didn’t know what else to do. I should have stayed away, but I came to see how you were. When I saw you, I had to tell you the truth. You were suffering and I can’t let that happen if I can do something about it. I came in tonight because… because your well being is more important than my own.”
Once more I wait for Lois to reply. Again she's just staring at me. It hits me that this is the end. My dreams of a future with this incomparable woman are another casualty of this horrid night. I try to memorize her features. If she calls me at all, it will be as a reporter preparing to expose – my great deception. Finally I shift to super speed and dart out the window. I hope someday I'll find a reason to smile again.
TBC
