Okay, we are definitely in the home stretch. And I think RL, or at least the work part of that, will continue to be at a reasonable pace for the next little while. So, my plan right now is to post 36 sometime during the week (either Tuesday or Wednesday) and 37 will be on Saturday.

Thanks as always to Beth, Carol, and Kelly for all their help!

From Chapter 34

Clark sat down again, his head falling forward into his hands. “Lois, you're my best friend. I don't want to have ruined everything between us because of…”

“You haven't!” I cut him off emphatically. It was like a film had played in front of my eyes while he spoke. What would it be like if he had? If I decided Clark's attraction to me, however slight it may be, was too much and we couldn't be friends anymore? “You can't have,” I continued, my voice softer this time, still feeling the loss I had felt when I saw that image a second ago. “I can't imagine my life without you in it.”

My eyes widened as I said it, and I leaned back against the couch. What the heck did that mean? I couldn't imagine my life without Clark in it? Clark? How could that be?

Not that it mattered. One quick glance up into his face and I knew it was true. I couldn't picture my life without Clark in it. Or I could, but didn't want to – couldn't bear the thought.

I had walked away from the man I had been in love with since I was sixteen, but somehow, imagining a life without Clark was too hard to contemplate.


Chapter 35

I can't say what I did next was the best thing, but, as I said, my natural instinct is always flight, so faced with the realization that I couldn't bear the thought of Clark not being in my life, I did the only thing that came naturally to me – I ran away from him.

“I'm sorry,” I said as I stood up abruptly. “I can't do this right now.”

For a second, Clark didn't move. He just stood there, startled. As a result, I was opening his door before he spoke. “Don't,” he said and while I wanted to ignore him and keep going, the plaintive tone to his voice prevented me from doing so. I turned around, but kept my hand on the doorknob, ready to bolt at any second.

“Lois, please,” he said, his voice still pleading. “Please don't go.”

“I can't…” I said again, my voice barely louder than a whisper. I could feel the tears building behind my eyes. I just felt so overwhelmed, so… lost at sea, I guess.

“Please,” Clark said again, taking a tentative step closer to me. “I'm sorry. I know that this is my problem and I'll get past it. I promise, Lois. Just promise me that I haven't screwed everything up.”

“You haven't,” I whispered as the first tear fell down my cheek. “You haven't at all. But…” I brushed impatiently at the tear. “I need to get home. I need to talk to Chad. Decide what we're doing. I just can't deal with this right now.”

Clark nodded his head in understanding, but looked so lost, so hurt, that I knew I needed to leave before I felt compelled to stay.

“Will you call me tomorrow?” he asked softly. “Just let me know how you're doing? I just… I really do want to continue to be your friend, Lois.”

I nodded. “And you are. But I have to go,” I said, surprised at how firm my voice was even while the tears continued to fall.

************************

Chad was still out when I got home – a fact for which I was grateful. I washed my face to erase any sign of my tears and turned the television on. I had to empty my brain, I couldn't think about this thing with Clark. Whatever it was, it meant nothing. It had no impact on where things stood with Chad.

Getting up to make myself a cup of coffee, I realized how true that was and felt better. Chad and I had to make the decision that was best for Chad and me. Clark was my closest friend, and if I let myself think about it, maybe I would decide that he was more than that. But he wasn't my husband and I knew without a doubt that I didn't have the same kind of feelings for him that I had for Chad.

I was feeling a bit calmer and more in control when Chad came in a half hour later. Chad, on the other hand, looked awful. “I have something to tell you,” he said quietly almost the instant he walked inside.

“What is it?” I asked, confused. What could have happened while he was out for the day?

“Yesterday morning, when I was in Wichita…” he paused, sitting on the couch. “I went for coffee with one of the other residents.”

“Okay,” I said, not sure where this was going. Did he feel guilty about that? It was just coffee. He'd done that with lots of other colleagues over the years and like my going out for coffee with Clark, it wasn't a big deal. Even when we weren't going through a divorce.

“She kissed me,” Chad said, his voice anguished.

I nodded, not sure what to say, or even how to feel. “Did you want her to?” I finally asked, although I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

Chad shrugged. “Maybe, sort of. Not really. I mean… I'm not really interested in her. She's nice and all, but I'm not interested in dating her. But I have to admit, I've been feeling lonely and…”

“Chad, whatever we decide tonight, we are in the middle of divorce proceedings. The fact that someone else kissed you is not really something I can get upset about.”

“You don't mind?” he asked and I could tell that even he wasn't sure how he wanted me to feel.

I sighed. “Of course I mind. But that doesn't mean I have any right to be angry at you. We previously agreed to split up. Besides…” I took a deep breath. He had been honest with me, I had to return the favor. But given my recent revelation about Clark, I realized my admission was not quite the same as his meaningless kiss with a woman he wasn't even attracted to. “Last night… on the way home… I mean, it meant nothing, we're not even sure how it happened, but… Clark and I kissed.”

Chad looked up startled. “You kissed Clark?”

“Or he kissed me,” I said quietly. “We're not sure.”

Chad looked away from me, but not before I could see the hurt in his eyes. “Do you… Are you interested in Clark?”

I knew he was going to ask that as soon as I decided to tell him, but that didn't make me any more prepared to answer the question. I sighed and decided to half answer him since I wasn't really sure of the answer anyway. “I love you.”

Chad nodded. “Have you and Clark…”

“No!” I cut him off. “Never. It was a one time thing. Really.”

“What do you think this means?” Chad asked. “The fact that we both kissed other people. I mean… when we were in high school, this always seemed like proof that you were over your ex or something, but I'm not over you, Lois. I love you so much.”

“I know. I don't know what it means,” I said, my tears from earlier back in full force.

“Maybe we've both been lonely?” Chad asked. “And lost or something.”

I nodded. “Whatever the reason, it doesn't change how I feel about you.” I told Chad my thought from earlier.

He smiled. “No, it doesn't, does it?”

“Not that that makes it any easier to make a decision,” I gave a small half-smile.

Chad nodded. “I saw Ken today,” he offered up.

“Is that where you were?” I asked in surprise.

He shrugged. “No, mostly I went to see my mom. But I also wanted to feel out Ken on coming back.”

“And?”

“He seemed open to the idea, although I think my life would be hell for a little while.”

“Is that what you want?” I asked him.

Chad didn't answer, but instead looked out the window. After a few moments of silence, he got up and walked over there, staring at the ground. “Chad?” I prodded him.

When he turned around, his eyes were full of tears. “No,” he whispered. “I want it to be. I want it to be so much. But seeing him again reminded me of why I left. Even just waiting for him – seeing the hospital, I don't think a different hospital in Metropolis would make things better. Ken is just a part of what I don't like.”

I nodded. “So, you're not moving back?” I asked, just to clarify.

Chad sighed. “I don't think so. I wish I was. I wish I could be sure that this would make me happy for the rest of my life, and I know you could. But I'm not sure about staying in Metropolis. I don't think I could do that again long term.”

I sighed and brushed impatiently at the tear on my cheek. I hadn't really expected that he would stay, and yet some part of me had really hoped, really wanted him to make that choice. It was unfair and I knew that. I had no intention of making the choice to stay in Smallville for him. Still, I wanted to be with Chad and if he could have been happy in Metropolis…

But he wasn't. It was that simple. I knew he wasn't before he showed up and he still wasn't. That didn't seem to mean I wasn't disappointed, though.

“Are you angry?” Chad asked me quietly.

“About what?” I looked up at him, surprised.

“Because I came here and made everything a mess and then decided to leave again,” he said, his voice soft.

I shook my head, but then realized he couldn't see me since he was looking outside again. “No. I'm glad you came. I'm glad…” I couldn't finish my thought. I wasn't even sure what it was.

“What?” Chad asked, turning to look at me.

I sighed as I tried to put the complicated thoughts into words. “I guess… maybe it was good for me to see that this is hard for you, too. Is that selfish?”

Chad smiled at me. “A little. But I know what you mean. It makes me feel better to know I'm not struggling through this alone, too.”

I moved closer to him to wrap my arms around him. “We'll get through this, right?” I asked. “We'll be friends when this is over?”

I felt Chad's head nod above me. “We have to be, don't we?”

“I can't imagine my life without you in it,” I said, looking up. For a moment, I realized those were the same words I had said to Clark, but I brushed the thought away, not wanting Clark to be part of this moment.

“You don't need to,” Chad reassured me. “I can't imagine ever not caring about you, Lois. I hope one day that this is easier than it is now, but I don't see how we would ever get to a point where I wouldn't want to know what you were doing and that you were happy.”

I nodded. “Me, too.” Then squeezing him just a little harder, I let go.

************************

“Hi,” I said shyly as I stood in his doorway.

“Hi,” he replied, looking even more flustered than me. “Are you okay?”

I nodded. “Chad is going back to Smallville.”

“I'm sorry,” he said softly, and looking into his eyes I could tell that he meant it.

“Me, too,” I replied. “But I think I'm okay with it now.”

“Do you want to come in?” he asked, and I suddenly hated how formal we were being.

“I do. I want things to go back to the way they were, Clark,” I said, and then sighed when I heard the whine in my voice.

Clark moved away, smiling slightly. “Me, too. I'm sorry for the other night.”

I shook my head. “Don't be. We were both there.” I sat on his couch taking a deep breath. I had practiced what to say the whole way over here. That was a lie – or at least a minimization of the truth. I had practiced what to say all of last night, too.

Chad had left not long after I pulled away from our hug, but before he left he told me that he loved me and wanted me to be happy. With a slightly strangled quality to his voice he had told me to follow my heart. "I have trouble imagining you with someone else,' he had said, flushing hotly. "But I want you to be happy. And if Clark makes you happy, then you should be with Clark. I couldn't pick someone who deserves you more.'

I had nodded at him, not sure what to say. Would Clark make me happy? Well, clearly, yes. He had been doing so for months. But the kind of happy Chad was talking about? I didn't know.

After another long night of tossing and turning, I had realized that I wasn't really ready to know. Clark was an amazing man – there was no doubt about that. But while I was ready now to move past Chad, I wasn't over him yet. I still loved him. I wasn't ready to fall in love again with anyone, even Clark.

Still, I had to admit that I was attracted to him. Some small part of me had probably always been, but it had been easy to miss before – hidden as it was beneath my feelings and my history with Chad.

Could that grow to be something wonderful? Something like I had had with Chad? Maybe. But not now. I had to admit that the thought of having that type of relationship with anyone – those types of feelings, made me a little sick to my stomach. I clearly wasn't ready.

“Lois, I really am sorry,” Clark said again.

I nodded. “I've been thinking about what you said pretty much since Chad left.”

“You have?” Clark asked sounding surprised.

I nodded. “I really do want things to go back to normal,” I told him. “But before that can happen, we probably need to talk about what happened the other night.”

“It was a mistake, Lois. And I'll put it behind me,” Clark started, but I cut him off.

“I think some part of me wanted it to happen.”

My statement was greeted with silence and I looked up surprised. It took a lot to render Clark speechless. Not as much as me perhaps, but a lot. He was staring at me in complete surprise and confusion. “What?” he finally asked quietly.

I took a deep breath. Somehow this was harder to say a second time. “I think… No. I know. Some part of me wanted it to happen. Your feelings… they aren't… unreciprocated.”

Clark continued to stare at me in shock, but I couldn't bear to say anything else. Finally Clark stopped pacing to sit on the couch. There was an entire couch cushion between us, but it was still closer than we had been to each other since the other night on the street.

“Lois, are you… I'm confused,” he said softly.

I gave a small laugh. “Me, too,” I admitted.

Clark nodded. “I know that it doesn't mean anything. I mean, whatever… I don't know. But I know that doesn't mean…”

I shook my head. “No. It doesn't. It can't.”

“Because you're still married,” Clark agreed quietly.

“And still in love with my husband,” I added quietly. I looked up. As difficult as it was, I needed to look at him as I said this. “Regardless of the fact that Chad and I have firmly agreed that he's not moving back, and I have to say any fantasies I had of his changing his mind are dead now, I'm still in love with him. I'm just not ready…”

“Of course you're not,” Clark said quietly, compassionately.

“I think you're great, Clark,” I said quietly. “You're my best friend and anyone would be lucky to be with you. But it can't be me. Not now.”

“I know,” Clark said quietly. “Really, Lois. I never expected…” He trailed off for a second before taking a deep breath and continuing. “I never even thought about it before now. I mean, I think maybe I've been attracted to you on some level since I met you, but I never thought anything would come of it. Never expected… No matter how things were going with you and Chad.”

I nodded. “I feel the same way,” I said softly. “I've always been more comfortable with you than anyone I've ever known other than Chad. And maybe that means I've always been somewhat attracted to you too, but… I'm just not ready.”

“I know,” Clark said again.

“And I don't know when I will be,” I added quietly. “I don't think… I just want to be honest, Clark. I don't want you to feel guilty about the kiss the other night because I do think it was both of us. But at the same time, I don't want to give you the impression that this means…”

“I know,” he said again. “I have no expectations. And, Lois? Thank you for telling me how you feel. I know that wasn't easy for you and I really appreciate it.”

I nodded. “Just don't… wait for me, I guess,” I said quietly. “I am so far from ready to be in a relationship.”

Clark nodded. “I wouldn't expect anything different. But Lois… I need to be honest with you, too. I'm not really interested in anyone else, so…”

“Just as long as you won't stop yourself from looking because of me,” I said. “I can't promise that I'll ever be ready.”

“You will be,” Clark smiled at me. “Maybe by the time you are, you won't feel the same way towards me, but you have too much to give to not fall in love again someday.”

“And if that happens?” I asked him. “With someone else?”

“I'll still be your best friend if you'll let me,” Clark said.

I smiled back. “Good. Because I'd like to think I'll still be your best friend when you find someone else.” Clark nodded, and I knew he caught my choice of words. When he found someone else. I really did not see anyway that wouldn't happen before I was ready. Even if my feelings for him didn't go away, I knew it would be a long time before I was ready to act on them. It would be foolish to think Clark would still be single.

But right now, what I needed was my best friend. And looking into his eyes, I realized I had him.