Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic What's Love Got To Do With It - Part 11

Part 13

Clark wearily opened the door to his apartment. It had been a couple of very long days with practically no sleep, except for what he had managed to grab on the stoop of Lois' apartment, and he was extremely tired once again. Interestingly enough, it wasn't the bone-weary exhaustion that he had felt a few days ago. This time, all he felt he needed was to get some sleep, and he would be fine. Dropping down on the sofa, he wondered if his body was reaching some sort of equilibrium at last.

The day's events were finally over, and it had been quite a memorable one. Luthor had been taken care of, as far as the Superman Foundation was concerned, but he was sure he hadn't heard the last from the cold-blooded billionaire. More than likely, the war was just beginning. Now he had to find evidence and prove that Luthor was a heartless killer and criminal.

But not tonight. He didn't have the heart to do anything tonight.

He still hadn't dealt with the permanent loss of his powers... and Lois. Throwing his head back against the top of the couch, Clark closed his eyes and heaviness centered in his chest. Who was he anymore now? A superhero has-been? Ex-reporter for the Daily Planet? A man who had thrown away any chance of remaining friends with the woman he loved?

He had lost it all.

His super abilities had been a major factor in his adult life, defining a large part of who he was, if not to the world, then to himself. His self-image was gone and he didn't know who Clark Kent was anymore. Who was this person now?

Would he always be listening for cries for help in the night? Would the guilt of not being able to help prevent a tragedy gnaw at him for the rest of his life? Lois had told Superman that what he could do would be enough, but now that his super abilities were gone, how could he make a difference? He would have to find his place in the world again.

Without Lois in his life, he wasn't sure that he should even stay in Metropolis - he wasn't sure he even wanted to try. In conjunction with the incredibly bad turn of events that had been happening to him lately, he had probably nailed the coffin in their relationship and sent her scurrying into Luthor's arms.

Without Lois... Those two words hit his heart like sledge hammer as he realized that it could become a reality, if it wasn't already.

He rolled his head to the side and remembered her sitting next to him earlier that day. She had clung to him in grief over the loss of Superman and it had been a lifeline to have her in his arms.

What was her reaction to the news that Superman was still alive? He hoped the news and his note hadn't sent her off on some wild and noble mission to 'find' Superman. He groaned and half smiled at the thought of Mad Dog Lane racing off to save Superman from a lifetime of loneliness and despair.

It was very ironic that she had the ability to do that very thing, except she hadn't realized that Superman was right under her nose. What would be the point in telling her that he was the superhero now? It would be his final undoing to have Lois pity him, powerless and ordinary. She had professed to be in love with the flashy hero; how would she really feel about him now? The ordinary side of him was just that, too ordinary. Superman was gone, and he needed to forge ahead and try to get on with a new life... just as she obviously was going to go on with hers.

Clark wished he could drift off into sleep. At least when he had been so exhausted, he didn't have to think about life without Lois. Even spending the day stopping Luthor from using the Superman name was merely a distraction from what mattered the most to him, Lois.

He tried to block her out of his mind. Through the fuzzy haze of drifting off to sleep, her name kept pounding inside his head, the pain drilling deeper into his heart. He had driven her away... through his intolerance of her refusal to see Luthor for who he was, he had lost her. Had lost her...

A cool hand was on his forehead lifting him to slow awareness. Clark didn't open his eyes right away, instead allowing his imagination to explore the possibility of Lois being the owner of the hand that was stroking his face. But even before opening his eyes, he knew that it was his mother, returning from wherever she had been.

With a half-hearted smile, he greeted Martha, "Hi, Mom."

"How are you, sweetie?" Martha stroked his forehead, her brow furrowed in a worried manner.

"Been better, Mom, but I'll be okay." Clark struggled to sit up, blinking the sleep from his eyes. "How long have I been sleeping?"

"Not sure, dear. Just got back."

"Oh, couple of hours, I think..." he answered after glancing at the kitchen clock.

Martha eyed him curiously, scrutinizing his attempts to pull himself together. There was sadness in his expression that she had never seen before, and it nearly broke her heart.

"When you were a little boy, you never cried when you were disappointed. You held it in and never let us help you get through whatever you were going through. Honey, it nearly killed me to see you go through difficult situations feeling as though you were all alone. I'm here for you, Clark. Let it go..."

She opened her arms. Clark stared at her, wanting to turn away and shrug off these feelings of despair. But on impulse, he leaned forward and felt his mother's arms wrap around his shoulders as he leaned his head against her bosom.

Clark felt tears slide down his face and wet his mother's blouse, but there was nothing he could do to stop them. Her hands stroked his face and rubbed comforting random patterns on his back and shoulders.

After a few minutes, the tears subsided, and he spoke, "Superman is gone, Mom. I'm not super anymore."

"Honey, you'll always be super to me. It's your heart and your caring that makes you Superman. Don't ever forget that."

Another larger pair of hands gripped his shoulders, and Clark lifted his head to see his father standing by the edge of the sofa.

"Dad, I'm so glad you're here."

Jonathan sat down, his hand still on Clark's shoulder as his other arm slid around to embrace his wife and son.

Clark felt the strength and support of his parents surround him. Some things would never change. Times may change, Superman may come and go, but the people who had raised him as a foundling from another planet would always be there.

He would have liked to think that Lois would have always been in his life, but her choice was obvious. Opposing opinions about the monster who courted her hadn't mattered; whether she admitted it or not, Luthor was her choice.

But here in the midst of the love his parents held for him, he knew that he couldn't cave in to the feelings of hopelessness that threatened to take over his heart. If anything, they could help him find his way back to discovering himself again.

Suddenly, the image of the farm flashed into his mind. Yes, that could be a place to heal and regain a sense of who he was. The lawsuit against Luthor could probably be handled by correspondence, and he was sure that when he was refreshed and able to function once more, he'd be able to continue his investigation of the man who had rendered him powerless.

Jonathan spoke softly, interrupting his thoughts. "We saw your lawyer's press conference today, and your mom's told me about this doctor who's trying to help you. Looks like you found some good people to be on your side."

"I trusted them immediately, Dad. I know you've warned..."

"Son, we trust that you've made good choices. In whatever you have told them about yourself..."

"They just know me as Superman, Dad. But that's a pointless fact. There is no Superman anymore. Doc Klein was very thorough and he believes this loss of powers is permanent."

"Do you want to find another doctor, Clark? Maybe there is something that this doctor is missing..."

"I could, Dad... and maybe someday I will, but for now, I don't think it's going to do any good. My powers have been gone for a lot longer than they had been the first time; I had been only exposed for a few seconds. It was for days this past time, and frankly, I feel... different."

Jonathan squeezed Clark's shoulder and replied, "For now."

Clark nodded. "Yeah, for now."

His mom's voice interrupted the silence after a few moments. "Honey, did Lois ever find you?"

"What for? To beat me over the head with a large stick? I wouldn't blame her."

"Oh, sweetie! She's so messed up. I understand if you feel that you can't see her, but..."

Clark sighed in frustration. Just when he had started to accept the situation for what it was, his mom decided to stir the pot a bit.

"Mom... she says she cares for me, and in a way, I know she does, but only as a friend. She's made that perfectly clear."

"The girl I held in my arms today was crying over the loss of her best friend."

"She was crying?" he asked, his voice breaking slightly in disbelief.

"Okay, don't believe your old mom, but I was there." Martha paused, then added, "She was ready to hog tie you and make you listen to reason. And I think she's ready to hear what you have to say also."

Clark ran a hand through his hair. Was he wrong to believe that Lois was set to move on with her life? Crying over her best friend... him?

Even though he had been furious at her, he felt something soften inside. Was it worth one more try? All the fight had been sucked out of him, and perhaps he could talk civilly and discuss things rationally. The strain between them had gone out of control, but he didn't have the energy to fight anymore.

He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. If trying to resolve the issues with Lois didn't work this time, he would leave Metropolis and more than likely wouldn't come back for a very long time. Why would he even want to come back, especially if Lois actually married that monster?

Clark looked at his parents, and it appeared as though they were hunkering down to stay with him. His dad was dressed up rather nicely, a bit too nice for having just come in from an airplane ride.

Oh no! The events happening in his life were messing up their plans for a night on the town; their 35th wedding anniversary was this weekend. As much as he wanted them to stay and be here for him, he couldn't ruin their weekend getaway.

His father had come to Metropolis for the past week to support him and his mom, and when it appeared that he, Clark, was regaining his health, sans super powers, their plans had tentatively turned to celebrating their wedding anniversary.

Clark figured the only way that he was going to get them to leave was if he promised what he wasn't sure that he was ready for, seeing Lois.

Of course, if he promised he was going to see Lois, he was going to have to keep that promise. Breaking promises was something that he didn't do in either guise. So therefore he was stuck, and had to see Lois.

Sighing deeply and audibly, he rose to his feet and said, "Okay, I'll see her one more time, or try to anyway. You guys are relentless!"

He walked to the coat rack and shrugged on a light jacket. "Don't wait up for me. If I do happen to find her, there's no telling how long we'll be."

Jonathan looked at his wife, and then at Clark. Martha nodded slightly and said, "Oh, honey. Take your time, we'll be here."

Uh oh! His parents were going to be noble and stick around for him, therefore ruining their time together. Time to bring out the big guns, he thought with a tiny grin.

"Okay, I suppose if we need a place to talk, we can go to her place. Guess I'll find out how vulnerable I really am..."

Martha looked puzzled and asked, "Are you afraid she's going to be that mad? Honey, even if she was, I don't think she would hurt you."

Clark laughed, this time from his heart. "No, Mom! Not Lois, her couches! Even when I had my powers I could only sit on them for a short time."

Jonathan frowned. "Son, if you're trying to tell us something, just spit it out. Do you want us to leave for the night?"

"No, Dad. I don't want you to leave for me. I want you to leave for you. You two need to celebrate your anniversary. I'll be fine, honest!"

Martha looked hopeful and asked, "Are you sure you don't mind, honey? We'd hate to not be here if you needed us."

"Go! Have fun! You've helped me more than you realize." Clark grinned and felt his spirits lift.

Jonathan leaned over and whispered something in Martha's ear. Her mouth dropped open, and she swatted him lightly with the back of her hand.

"Not here in front of the kid, you lecherous old goat," Martha gasped, then tried to cover up a giggle.

Clark had a feeling that it was a good thing that he did not have super hearing anymore; he didn't think that he really wanted to know.

With a wave of his hand, he opened the door and stepped out into the night. There had been so many turning points in his life the past few days, but somehow he felt the most important one of all was going to be tonight.

******

The night air had a bit of a chill to it. A mild cold front had passed through that afternoon, but being early summer, it only caused the temperatures to dip slightly lower than normal. The wind was brisk and the moon was almost full; it would have been a perfect night for flying.

No, he couldn't think of that just yet. The pain was still a bit raw and the loss fresh. Remembering flying would have to come later, after he adjusted to life as a regular Joe.

He walked a couple blocks, then noticing a convenience store, ducked inside to purchase some chocolate bars and some fudge ice cream. Better to be armed against a potentially Mad-Dogged Lois Lane. What was the saying? Chocolate soothes the savage beast.

He felt his anger of the morning slip further away and found himself looking forward to seeing her. It was a bit frightening, yet the cards couldn't be stacked any higher against him. What more was there to lose?

There was no out-guessing Lois Lane. She would either be fit to be tied having worked herself up all day after the way he had left this morning, or would be contrite and willing to talk. Another possibility would be that she would shut him out completely and had run straight into the arms of Luthor.

No, he had to believe that Lois hadn't lost all of her instincts. Surely, the envelope he had sent her as Superman had caused her to think about the billionaire's ethics, or lack of them. At least that was a tiny bit of evidence he had in his favor.

As Superman, he had no choice but to close the door on their relationship. Although he had done it before that night in her apartment, all indications pointed to Lois needing closure with his alter ego.

And he needed to say goodbye to her again as Superman. He supposed that was what had hit him so hard this afternoon. Lois would no longer be infatuated with the superhero side of him because that side no longer existed - saying goodbye to Lois was the act of releasing Superman to himself.

Superman had been a vital part of his personality; he'd been more than a two-dimensional cut-out character. Now he wondered what Lois would think if he told her the whole truth. Would it be better to leave things as they were, letting Lois think that Superman had disappeared mysteriously? Would she always wonder what his fate had been?

Or... He drew in a deep breath of the night air at the inkling of the thought. Should he tell her that he had been Superman? How would that change her opinion of Clark Kent? Could that be his one last chance?

He stopped and leaned up against a lamppost and closed his eyes in confusion. What a scene that could be! Coming to her in his suit and cape one last time and declaring, 'Lois, you've got your wish! You can love me now! Here's your ordinary man, signed, sealed and delivered! Oh, by the way! The suit *does* come off, and just for your information, the man beneath the suit is Clark Kent.'

No, he'd have to be subtler than that. He'd have to feel her out before revealing any more information about his identity to her. If, after all was said and done, she still married Luthor, then he and his parents could be in danger. For all he knew, Luthor wouldn't hesitate to use truth serum on her. He knew that she babbled in her sleep from times when he had held her after she escaped from yet another brush with danger . Luthor was still at large and the best decision for now was to play it by ear and to be cautious.

He couldn't use the fact that he was Superman to win Lois over. Even though he realized that there was more to Superman than a cartoon character, he wasn't sure how Lois viewed the superhero anymore. Superman was gone, and there was no sense in living in the past.

Spurred on by a bit of urgency, he quickly resumed his walk towards Lois' apartment and was nearly knocked off his feet by a charging woman. His arm snaked out and grabbed her as she lost her balance.

"Watch where you're going, you big oaf!" a familiar voice cried out as she shrugged free of his grip.

"Lois?"

"Clark?" she asked in surprise. While scrambling to pick a bag she had dropped, at the sound of his voice, her head swung up to look at him.

"What are you doing here?" they both asked in unison.

"I was looking for you," Lois said at the same time Clark replied, "Going to see you."

Clark reached out his hand and pulled her to her feet. "Guess we found each other."

Lois thrust a bag at him and quietly said, "Peace offering?"

"Huh?" He opened the bag and pulled out some Ho-Ho's, cake donuts and some Ding Dongs. Her cautious smile and her thoughtful gift sent a bandwagon full of hope to his heart. She wasn't out hunting down Superman but had been looking for him!

Clark laughed as he handed her the bag of chocolate and ice cream. "Guess we can still be on the same page sometimes. I'm sorry for yelling at you this morning."

"Oh, Clark! I'm just plain sorry. Can we go somewhere and talk without starting World War III?" she asked while rummaging through the bag.

"Chocolate? And ice cream!"

Thankful that he'd thought to clear his parents out of his apartment, Clark suggested, "Exactly what I was thinking. My place? Your sofa isn't conducive to comfort. I think we're closer anyway."

He offered her his arm and she tentatively smiled up at him again as she moved closer to him. Sighing contentedly, Lois hooked her arm around his muscular one and realized after the confusion of the day this simple action of latching onto Clark made the most sense of anything she'd done since leaving LNN that afternoon.

A majority of the time had been spent pondering and wallowing over the fact that Superman had not come to her in his time of need. It appeared that he was moving on with his life, and whether her declaration of love had anything to do with that decision would probably always be a mystery. If only she hadn't embarrassed herself by telling Superman that she loved him than maybe he would have felt comfortable enough to come to her for help, or even friendship. Sure, he trusted her enough with professional matters, like writing the article on the evidence proving that he was alive, but when it had come to personal matters, he'd chosen to go it alone, or even more depressing, without her. He'd probably found someone else to confide in, someone who didn't carry the emotional baggage of having declared that they were in love with him.

As for Lex, he was a different matter. His behavior had been puzzling this afternoon, and Superman's lawsuit against him had thrown her for a loop, or at least opened up a lot of questions in her mind. Somehow she was beginning to realize that Lex was only showing a superficial side of himself to her, but whether he was as evil as Clark painted him to be was yet to be seen.

Her arm hooked securely through Clark's, she was more determined than ever to make him sit down and talk, and she hadn't even needed to hogtie him! She had been on her way to Clark's and was ready to listen to whatever he had to say. She'd decided it was time to open her mind and heart to him and start acting like a best friend instead of a spoiled brat.

She couldn't mess things up this time. No, after spending the rest of the afternoon processing the confusing events of the day, this was the one thing that was the most clear to her.

Now she hoped to make things right between them, that was, if she could stop opening her mouth, inserting her foot [i]and[\i] chewing vigorously...

Tightening her grip ever so slightly on Clark's arm, she was rewarded with a tight smile from her former partner. It was clear from the distant look on his face that he was still in knots about their friendship.

Trying to clear her mind from all precepts and past judgments, she concentrated on the tall man she was clinging to and hoped that somehow they could get through this mayhem with their friendship still intact.