You have Queenie to thank for this post coming this evening. She made a suggestion that moved the beginning of one chapter to the end of the one before it and that finished that chapter off [it's still on the short side, but ya'll may just have to deal with that...] and still left the other one long enough to be a full chapter.
Thanks also go, as always, to Alisha, Beth, Nancy and CarolynK.
More notes at the end.
Potential implied WHAM in this section...
*****
Chapter 44
*****
Clark's hand rested on the door knob to their small Tokyo apartment, resisting the urge to check on Lois before entering. All he wanted was to shower – a nice hot shower – and then sleep, with her in his arms. He had taken a dip in the Sea of Japan on his way back, but it was too cold for much relief. He was just glad that his tux didn't seem to be ruined. The initial reports of the earthquake he'd heard while at the embassy had made it seem much worse than it actually was. He helped with search and rescue in a remote area of China, but was able to remain mostly unseen and fairly clean.
He opened the door as quietly as he could and turned to shut it behind him.
The low, sultry voice startled him.
He turned to see Lois leaning seductively against the frame of the door to their shared bedroom.
He couldn't help but stare at the scantily clad form of his wife, clearly with only one thing on her mind, his white dress shirt hanging only to mid-thigh leaving her long legs bare. The sleeves were rolled up to her elbows and only one button was actually fastened, giving him a tantalizing glimpse of what was – or wasn't – beneath it; what appeared to be plain white cotton slung low around her hips and precious little else.
"I said, 'hello, handsome'." She walked towards him, a pout forming on her perfect lips. "I didn't expect you to ignore me."
Clark swallowed hard and crossed the small living room in two steps. "I wasn't ignoring you." He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him. "I could never ignore you when you look like that."
"Good. I hate being ignored."
He felt her hands run up his arms and over his shoulders.
"You," she whispered huskily, "are way over dressed."
Could it be possible? Could what he had dreamed of all these years finally be happening? Could Lois finally want to be his wife in every sense of the word? The rapid beating of her heart seemed to indicate that she did. He inhaled deeply. She didn't smell scared; she smelled like her favorite perfume, a little bit of her shampoo and conditioner, but definitely not scared.
And, after all the progress they'd made, he had been hoping that tonight would be the night.
Her hands met in the middle of his chest, slowly pulling on one end of his tie until it unraveled in her hands. She pulled it from around his neck and tossed it to the side.
"Are you sure about this?" he whispered, scared of the answer.
She didn't answer but instead began, ever so slowly, to unbutton one button after another. As soon as bare skin was within reach, she softly kissed his collar bone.
He swallowed hard again.
Button. Kiss.
"You said..." Kiss. "...not to wear..." Button. "...one of your..." Kiss. "...dress shirts unless..." Button. "...I wanted you..." Kiss. "...to take it off."
Button. Kiss.
His breath caught in his chest. The burning sensation on his skin was more than he could take.
With a groan, he reached up with one hand until it cradled her face, gentle pressure encouraging her to lift her face towards his.
He leaned down and captured her lips with his own. He kissed her with the hunger built up over the last five years, ever since the first night she had lain in his arms. He tasted the wine she must have had but felt sure she wasn't even a little tipsy.
He could feel her returning his kisses, beat for beat. Her small hands slipped inside his now unbuttoned shirt, untucking it from the inside. The trails left by her feather soft touch ignited something else inside him.
With a guttural growl, he bent slightly to wrap his arms around her waist and picked her up, pulling her as close as he could. Her legs wrapped around him and he stumbled blindly towards their room. Their bed.
He was stopped when he realized he had misjudged the door opening and Lois was pressed against the wall next to it.
He heard her groan slightly as she deepened the kiss even further. He moved her away from the wall and through the door opening he had missed before. Two steps later, he floated until they were horizontal and he lowered them onto the bed.
He heard her giggle mid-kiss.
"Sweeping me off my feet, flyboy?" She whispered between kisses.
"I have wanted to do that for five years," he whispered back.
His lips recaptured hers as he somehow managed to make short work of the clothes that kept them apart.
*****
Lois stretched and yawned, surprised by the not all together unpleasant sensations on the back of her neck.
She felt Clark tighten his grip around her waist and she suddenly became aware that his bare arm – that part wasn't unusual – was on the bare skin of her stomach – which was unusual – and the sensations on her neck were those of his lips kissing her skin – which was very unusual.
What on earth was going on?
"Clark?" she whispered.
"What is it, love?" he whispered back.
"What are you doing?"
More kisses on her neck.
"Hoping we could pick up where we left off last night." His voice was low and, if she didn't know better, seductive.
The pounding in her head suddenly overtook her.
"Clark." She spoke quietly, but forcefully. "Please get away from me."
"What?" She could hear confusion evident in his voice.
"Get off me." As he pulled away from her, she gathered the sheets around her and stood, heading towards the bathroom.
She shut the door behind her, leaning against it. She clicked the light on and immediately clicked it back off. The pounding in her head only increased. She stumbled towards the medicine cabinet, blindly feeling for the pain killers. She managed to get four into her hand and knock them back with some water from the tap.
What on earth had happened?
*****
Clark flopped back on the bed as he watched Lois disappear into the bathroom.
Gone was the amorous, sensuous woman he had held in his arms; the one that he had kissed; the one that he had made mad, passionate love with just hours earlier.
In her place was someone else. And he had no idea what had happened to change things.
He tuned in to her heartbeat and it sounded a bit off, like it did on the infrequent occasions that she nursed a migraine.
Great. His first night together, truly together, with his wife, or any other woman for that matter, and she ended up with a migraine the next morning.
He had heard the tap water running after a few crashing sounds and assumed she had managed to take some pain medicine.
"Lois?" he called tentatively. "Are you okay?"
"Go away," came the muffled response.
"I'm not going anywhere, honey."
"Don't honey me."
He could tell by the tone of her voice that she was close to tears.
"Lois, what is it?"
More banging almost, but not quite, covered up soft crying. A few minutes later the door opened, slightly.
"Can you pull the shades?"
The curtains had been left wide open the night before and now sunlight spilled into their bedroom. In a flash, he closed them, darkening the room, putting on his long forgotten pair of boxers as he went.
Lois slowly emerged from the bathroom, sheet wrapped tightly around her, working her way cautiously to the edge of the bed, where she perched precariously, one hand over her eyes, the other helping maintain her balance. "Thank you," she whispered.
"Honey, what is it? What's wrong?" He spoke softly so as not to hurt her head any more than necessary.
"I don't know."
"You've got a migraine?"
"Yeah. But I've never had one like this before."
"What's it like?"
"Pounding. Just... pounding. All over." She rolled herself carefully onto the bed, curling up into a ball as she went. "It hurts," she whimpered.
"Here." Clark moved to cover her up. Knowing how much the 'whooshing' sound his speed made hurt when she had a migraine, he searched for her favorite blanket. He pulled it over her and handed her the small black and white bear he had won for her when they'd visited Smallville's Corn Festival several months earlier.
"Thank you," she whispered.
As quietly as he could, he collected some more clothes and left the room, knowing that rest was likely the only thing that would help her feel better.
*****
It was late evening before Lois put in an appearance. Bleary eyed, she had managed to put some pajamas on before almost stumbling out of the bedroom and onto the couch.
It was only seconds later that a cup of Oolong tea appeared in front of her. She knew Clark had to have had it waiting for her to get there, ready to zap it with his heat vision the minute she reappeared.
"Thank you." She took a long sip. "That's just what I needed."
He noticed that she refused to look at him.
"Are you feeling better?"
She took another sip and then nodded. "Much. Still have a little bit of a headache, but not nearly as bad as earlier. More a dull ache than the intense throbbing from this morning."
Another sip.
"I'm glad you’re feeling better."
She took a small breath. "Clark, I hate to have to ask you this..."
"What is it, Lois?"
"What happened last night?" Another sip.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't remember anything about last night?"
Clark was shocked. "What?"
"I don't remember anything."
"Nothing at all?"
She took another sip. "Well, not nothing. I remember you saying there was an earthquake in China and telling you to go. I remember another guy asking me to dance. He kept calling me Ms. Lane, even though I corrected him a couple times – that it's Mrs. Kent. But he wouldn't. And he asked me to dance."
"Did you dance with him?"
She looked thoughtful as she took another sip of the tea. "I think so." She nodded. "Yeah, I did dance with him. I had a hard time keeping him from getting too close." She finally looked at him, wide eyed. "Clark, even though we still haven't... I would never cheat on you, but I think he wanted me to."
He nodded. "I know you wouldn't." They’d had that conversation more than once. "But Lois?"
She looked at him expectantly.
"We have..." He paused.
"We have what?"
"You don't remember?"
"No, Clark. Dancing with that guy is the last thing I remember, and I don't remember that very well. I don't even remember who it was."
Clark sighed. "I didn't get back from China until late last night. You were already home. I thought you were asleep, but you weren't." He took a deep breath. "You were waiting for me."
"What do you mean, waiting for you?"
"Just that. You were wearing one of my shirts and a new pair of white cotton underwear and the next thing I knew, we were kissing and..." He stopped.
"We slept together." It was more of a statement than a question.
"No."
She looked up at him, surprised. "We didn't? You said..."
He shook his head. "We did *not* sleep together, Lois. Sleeping together is what we've done virtually every night since we got married. Last night, we made love. Together."
"Same thing," she said, tears flowing out of her eyes, and knowing at the same time that it was very different.
"No, Lois, it's not. I have loved you since I was 14. It's what I've wanted since before the day I married you and last night, you wanted it too. Very much."
"So we..." She paused, but only slightly. "...made love?"
He nodded. "More than once."
"Twice?" Her tone was slightly incredulous.
"Three times."
"Wow."
His voice took on a bitter tone. "And you don't remember any of it."
"No." Her tone was soft. Quiet. "I don't remember any of it."
He sighed and stopped his pacing. He sat on the chair opposite her spot on the couch. He ran his hand through his hair and exhaled slowly. He could hear her tears falling nearly silently down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry."
It was almost inaudible.
"I know you are." How was he supposed to cope with this? How was she?
She took another sip of her tea. "Did we float?"
The question caught him off guard.
"What?"
"Did we float?" She was more insistent.
"Yes."
"I think I remember floating. When did we float?"
Clark sighed. He really didn't want to relive all of this at the moment. "I floated us on to the bed the first time. We floated while we were... you know the second time. And the third time, we were on the ceiling while we..."
She raised an eyebrow. "We did it on the ceiling?"
"Yes, we made love on the ceiling."
She smiled a bit wryly. "I bet that would be... different."
"I really don't have any other frame of reference, but it was..." How to put it? "...very nice."
Lois took another sip of her tea, tears still slipping quietly down her cheeks. "I am so sorry, Clark. I honestly don't remember any of it."
Clark sighed. He moved over to the couch next to her. "Come here." He wrapped on arm around her, pulling her to his side. She rested her head on his shoulder. "It's okay."
"Clark, do you think I could have been drugged?" she asked thoughtfully, some minutes later.
"What?"
"Think about it. I woke up with the worst headache I've ever had, but I've never had time blackouts. I remember very little about last night. The last thing I remember was accepting a dance with that guy and... that's it." She shrugged slightly. "Drugging makes sense."
Clark rubbed his thumb up and down on her arm. "Possibly. But who would drug you?"
"I don't know, Clark. I just don't know."
"Well, that settles it."
"Settles what?"
"You are never leaving my sight again." He snuck a kiss into her hair. "I do love you, you know."
"I know. And I love you."
"I know."
Another thought went through her mind and she immediately pulled away from him and retreated to the other side of the couch. "He raped me," she said quietly.
Clark was startled, first by her quick retreat and then by her statement. "What?"
"That guy, whoever he was, he raped me."
"Lois, honey, we don't know that." The thought, of course, had crossed his mind as well, though he would have never mentioned it to her without proof.
The tears coursed down her cheeks. "He did, Clark. I know he did."
"How do you know that?"
"I just do." Lois pulled her knees into her chest and made herself as small as possible. "I just know, Clark."
Clark ran a hand wearily over his face. If that guy had raped his wife... Well, the slimeball professor would have gotten off easy compared to this guy. "Should we take you to get a drug test?" he asked with his brow furrowed.
She sighed. "It’s been too long. I read a story on it once in the Metropolitan. Most date rape drugs – which is probably what it was – are undetectable in the blood stream after 6 or 7 hours and only in urine for maybe 24. And an assault kit..." She sighed. "Even if I don't remember it, I've had consensual sex since then and they'd need DNA or a blood sample or something from you for exclusionary purposes and we can't risk that. And if he – whoever he was – used a condom then there probably wouldn't be anything of his to find. Besides that, we wouldn't even begin to know where to look for who it was. I mean, someone who was at the Embassy last night but there were a lot of people there. And there's no *guarantee* it was someone who was there or it could have been someone who wasn't on an official list. Since I don't remember, it could have happened anytime."
Another thought came to him. If that guy had drugged Lois and raped her, what was it that he had done? How had he not noticed Lois was impaired? How on earth could he have taken advantage of her like that?
"Why do these things happen to me, Clark?"
"What?"
"First, there was Dan. He never pushed *too* hard, but he still didn't take no for an answer for a long time. No, first there was my dad. *Then* there was Dan. And then Paul. And now this. I just *know* that guy, whoever he was, raped me."
Clark sighed. "I don't know, honey."
"And I don’t even have anyone I can face this time." She swiped at her cheeks. "I can't take this guy – whoever he is – down. I have no idea who it was. At least with Paul I had an enemy I could fight but now..."
He moved to her side. "Come here." She curled up next to him on the couch and he held her close.
After what seemed like forever, something occurred to her and she pulled back. She took Clark's face in her hands. "Look at me."
He didn't move.
"Clark, look at me."
He finally raised his eyes to hers.
"Don't start blaming yourself for any of this. You went to China. I told you to go. You had no way of knowing what would happen. And when you got back here... you had no reason to believe there was anything wrong with me. Do *not* blame yourself."
He shifted his eyes so he was looking more at her chin than her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I should have known."
"How?"
"I don't know. I just should have."
"Did I smell scared like last time?"
He shook his head slightly between her hands.
"Was there any indication to you that I might have been drugged?"
"No," he whispered. "Not that I noticed, but it's also very possible that I got so distracted by the sight of you, of you in my shirt, of you out of my shirt that I didn't notice."
"This is *not* your fault."
He nodded slightly and pulled her back to him, sitting there together until she dozed off again.
*****
"I want to go back to Metropolis, Clark," Lois told him the next morning as she sipped her coffee. "I think it's time."
Clark nodded. "I do, too. I'll call Perry and let him know."
She nodded.
"There's something else though," he said staring into his own cup.
"What's that?"
"I really want you to see a professional this time."
"What?"
"You've been through so much and with what happened with Paul, we worked through it and I think we were almost there..."
"We were," she said quietly. "I hope you believe me when I say that what happened the other night..." She took a deep breath. "It would have happened anyway. I *wanted* to be with you. I had it all planned. Of course, I'd also planned on remembering it."
"And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping it was part of the plan for the night." He sighed. "But seriously. I know we can't *know* what happened with that guy – whoever it was – but I think that there's a good chance that you're right about what happened and I think that, once we get back to Metropolis, it would be good for you to see a professional counselor. I'll come with you if you want me to or if whoever it is you're seeing wants me to."
She sighed then nodded. "That's probably not a bad idea. I probably should have done it last time," she admitted. "But I didn't want to face it if I didn't absolutely have to and I really just wanted to get out of Metropolis with you. I'll ask Perry and Alice if they have any recommendations when we get back. And really, we both know that I still have things to work out from before," she added quietly.
He nodded. "Sounds like a plan. I'll make arrangements for us to fly back at the end of the week. We don't have anything planned after that anyway."
"That works for me."
*****
"We do need to talk about this," Clark said quietly, one hand playing with Lois' hair while the other drew lazy patterns on her arm.
"I know," she whispered back, feeling as safe as she ever had in their bed in his arms. "I can't imagine what this is like for you." That was something that had been plaguing her all day. She and Clark had been together – and it apparently had been pretty good, if not great – but she didn't remember any of it. But Clark... Clark had memories of the two of them kissing and touching and making love together. Memories of how she felt, how she kissed, how she looked.
Clark sighed. "I don't know what's it's like for me either. Part of me wants to kiss the pain of knowing something might have happened to you away. Part of me wants to show you what happened that night, but I know that's not going to happen – and I'm..." He took a deep breath. "...okay with that. Really. I don't like it and I wish I *could* show you what happened that night, but I get it." He paused. "And I still can't believe I didn't notice something was wrong with you."
"That's not your fault. If I was given some sort of date rape drug, then – if correctly dosed – the whole point is to make me lose my inhibitions and not remember it, without making me pass out." The thought of being drugged made her absolutely sick to her stomach, but she also knew if there had been the slightest indication of anything wrong, Clark would have noticed and stopped things no matter what she was – or wasn't – wearing. "And there was every reason to expect me to want to be with you that night, right?"
"I was hoping," he whispered huskily. "After everything else..."
"And you were right," she said pragmatically. "That was a big part of the plan for the night. If you hadn't gone to Asia, we probably would have left the Embassy early and come back here and ended up on the couch in a pretty heavy make-out session. At some point, I would have gone to our room and put on that shirt and then we would have made love together. So, what happened is what very likely would have happened anyway – barring some unforeseen thing like a real migraine or something. What should have tipped you off? The mood lighting? The shirt you were hoping to see me wearing? The kisses?"
"I don't know. I just should have known."
They laid there for long minutes before she spoke again. "Would it help you to tell me about it?"
"Do you want to know?"
"I *want* to remember being with you, but I can't. Is it possible that it'll come back to me at some point? Maybe, but there's no way to know."
"Do you want me to tell you?"
"Do you want to? Would that make this harder or easier for you?"
He shrugged. "I don't know."
"Would reliving it like that..." She stopped, before asking quietly, "or are you reliving it anyway?"
"Not intentionally," he said after a long pause. "Just like I didn't want to remember what I saw that night in the conference room, it doesn't seem right to dwell on it when you don't remember it at all." He paused again. "I did relive it a couple of times while you were sleeping yesterday – before I knew what happened."
She pushed up until she was leaning on her elbow, looking him in the eye. "There's nothing wrong with that. You made love to your wife for the first time. Why wouldn't you want to remember every detail of it?"
He reached up to brush her hair off her face. "I do want to, but I don't want to violate you all over again."
She sighed and settled back in next to him, her head on his chest. "I can't explain it. It's different this time somehow."
"How?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe it's because I don't remember it. Or maybe it's because it would have happened that night anyway. Maybe it's because of how far we'd already gone before that – even though this would have been a pretty major change in the boundaries we'd had set before. Maybe it's because I'm a lot more secure in our relationship – in how much you love me and how much I love you and that you're really not going anywhere. The thought of what someone might have done to me freaks me out, but the thought of being with you... it doesn't. I mean, given what happened, what we know happened, even without any proof, makes me a bit..." She sought the right word. "...gunshy, maybe. Even though I wanted it to happen that night, what else happened is making me a bit skittish about wanting to do that again – even with you. But I don't want to slip back to where I was last time." Tears began to streak down her cheeks onto his chest. "I don't want to go back there. I *want* to be able to kiss you without having a panic attack. I *want* to be where we were last week, but I don't know..." her voice trailed off.
"I know, honey." He kissed her hair. "I don't want you to be where you were last time. Not for me – well, not just for me. That wasn't a good place for you to be and I don't want you to go through that again. But I don't want to push you into something you're not ready for either."
"So do we keep dating?" she asked quietly. "See what we're comfortable with?"
"I don't know. What do you want to do?"
She sighed. "I don't know. We're going back to Metropolis so we'll be closer to a nine to five schedule. Not completely, I know, but part of me says let's just be a married couple. You know? Home for dinner, little bit of T.V., maybe play some games or read books or just hang out at home or whatever before we go to bed at a reasonable hour and get up and do it all over again."
"Just be us?"
"Yeah. I mean, sure, let's go out for dinner sometimes and maybe dancing or something, but I want to just be a regular couple for a while, too."
"Joe and Judy Regular?"
She smiled. "Something like that."
It was several more minutes before Clark spoke again. "So what about the physical stuff?"
Lois sighed again. "I don't know," she finally whispered. "I do know I don't want to go back to barely touching each other at all, but the full-out make-out sessions we were having last week..."
"Yeah." He rubbed her arm gently. "So what do you want to do?"
"Smallville?"
"You want to go to Smallville?" he asked, puzzled.
"No, silly. Though I wouldn't mind to go back sometime soon, that's not what I meant. What if we do what we did in Smallville?"
"You mean life is one big date? As long as we're not in our room?"
"Yeah."
"And if you're wearing a button-up shirt, you take it off?"
She shrugged. "I was past that and I don't think that's going to be the problem this time – if there is one. And if we get started and I don't want to stop..."
"Then we sit and discuss it."
She sighed. "There were times I hated that rule."
"I know, but there were times you would have hated not having that rule."
"True." She shifted so she was looking at him. "I love you, Clark."
"And I love you, Lois."
She leaned up and kissed him gently. "I know. So do you want to tell me?"
"Do you want to hear it?"
She rested her head back on his chest. "I do, but not yet, I don't think."
"Just let me know."
"And I don't know if would make your life easier or more difficult, but the idea of you reliving it doesn't bother me nearly as much this time."
"I'll keep that in mind."
Lois yawned. "But I think I'm ready to go to sleep now."
"Me, too."
*****
"You guys are really moving home?" came the excited voice over the phone line.
"Yeah, Luce. We are," Lois said with a smile.
Lucy squealed. "Oh, I'm so glad. I mean I'm glad that you guys got to see some of the world and stuff, but I've missed you!"
"I've missed you too. And I want to be there to see you get all big and stuff."
Lucy groaned. "Yeah, I'm not looking forward to that."
"How are you doing? Really?" Lois asked.
Her sister sighed. "I'm okay. I mean, I'm not too sick. I am getting some morning sickness, but it's really not too bad. And I’m tired. And I have to pee all the time, but overall I feel pretty good."
"What about being pregnant in general? I know you guys didn't plan this."
"I know, but it's okay. Really. We've wanted kids – we knew we did, we just didn't plan it for three or four more years, maybe even five. Not until I'd been working for a couple years or so, but we do want this baby."
"I know. How's Jimmy doing with it?"
Lucy giggled. "You'll have to see him. Perry said he's busting his buttons, whatever that means. He's telling *everyone* that he's going to be a dad. He told Perry that there's no way he's missing any of my doctor's appointments."
"Were you able to get in with anyone?"
"Alice called her doctor. She's supposed to be great. Alice just loves her and she's done work with her on that unwed mothers' clinic. She's pretty full, but once Alice called her she agreed to take me on. We meet her next week."
"That's great."
"Enough about me. How are you and Clark doing?"
Lois paused for a second. "We're good. Mostly."
"Mostly?"
"Yeah, mostly. Still just dealing with some stuff." They hadn't talked about whether or not to tell anyone what had happened on their anniversary.
"Did you have a big fight or something?"
"No, nothing like that. It's just been a rough week, that's all."
"How was the Embassy thing?"
Lois paused again. "Well, there was an earthquake in China..." Her voice trailed off. They'd agreed to never talk about Clark and what he could do directly, only in code of some kind.
"Ah. Did it bother you that Clark wanted to find out more about it?"
"No. Not at all. I told him to see what he could find out and if there was anything worth us following up and there wasn't. I mean, I was a bit disappointed. It was our anniversary and all, but it was fine." She didn't go into any more detail than that.
Lois heard something on the other end of the phone. "Listen, Jimmy just got home. I'll see you in a few days okay?"
"Okay. Love you, Luce."
"Love you, too. See you soon."
Lois sighed. She was going to have to talk to Clark about whether or not to tell their family about what happened that night.
Right now, she just wasn't sure she was up for going through all of that.
She moved to the door of their bedroom and stared at the bed, sighing as she did so.
More than anything, she wished she could remember.
*****
TBC
Notes:
Lois' statements about the date rape drugs are not entirely accurate. It is possible they could be detected longer than that and even though she had consensual relations with Clark after the possible incident, an assault kit could well show evidence of assault.
Still not sure exactly what happened? Neither are they
. Hopefully it will be clear later, but for now you get to be as confused as our favorite couple. And the whole 'should Clark have known' thing will be dealt with more later too.
