Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic Strange Revelations - Round Robin 6/? - Good Grandmother's, Inc. or Granny Got Tanked

This is Part 6 of the Comedy Round Robin. The writers had great fun doing this and we all hope you find it entertaining and funny.


The Writers:

Ann (TOC)
Classicalla
Doc
LoisLane2
MetroRhodes

Edited by Classicalla

The usual disclaimers apply.

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From Part 5

Then Clark looked at the rapidly approaching Toc who was heading straight for his behind. "Hey, no more kneading!"

Toc looked at Superman suggestively, "Oh, come on Clark." She leaned forward conspiratorially. "I won't tell anyone you're Clark Kent."

What could he do? He couldn't have Ms. Naughty Toc telling everyone his secret. He just sighed and gave her better access. "Just remember that's all your gonna get!" CL

For a few delicious, dazzling, dizzy minutes, Toc was in naughty heaven........

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Strange Revelations Part 6: Good Grandmother's, Inc. or Granny Got Tanked

But when Ms. Naughty Toc actually started to tug at the elastic of Superman's red briefs, Lois had had enough. She used up most the last of her remaining Mxy-sparks and sent Toc flying in a glorious arc all over Hobb's Bay. She landed on one of the Goons who were watching Perry. This poor Goon fell right on the next Goon, who fell on the next Goon, who fell on the next Goon and so on, until all the Goons lay on the ground like a row of toppled dominoes. The last Goon fell on Perry. Perry gave a mighty cough - it was mighty enough to send Elvis' kryptonite heart flying out of his stomach and out of his mouth. The kryptonite flew in a beautiful spiral over Hobb's Bay and landed right next to Superman....

Lois quickly picked up the foul ice-cream and dumped it on the kryptonite. She watched in amazement as it ate the kryptonite right up and proceeded to eat through the roof of the building. "Are you okay, Clark?"

"Yeah, but we need to get out of here!" They both watched in horror as the side of the building melted. He said, "At least it's an abandoned building." He quickly flew them to the ground. "Now what are going to do about Perry?"

Perry was just sitting on the ground looking morose. Classic Metro continued to argue with himself. Ms. Naughty Toc watched in awe as the building became soup.

The building-soup began to bubble. One of its bubbles flew skyward. When the bubble touched the sky, the sky got angry and sent an incredible flash of lightning downward. The bubble-spitting building stiffened in fear.

Unfortunately Classic Metro and Superman had both been hit by the flash of lightning.

"I feel fine," said Classic.

"You feel fine," said Metro.

"I feel like you," said Classic.

"You feel like me," said Metro.

Both smiled. Classic had always wanted to feel like Metro. And Metro had always wanted Classic to feel like him. Now maybe Classic could understand him!

Classic and Metro were happy. But what had happened to Superman?

Clark stood up, shaking his head lightly. "Is everyone okay?"

Then his demeanor changed, and he took on a slightly more "Supermanly" stance. "Okay? Okay? Sure! Everyone else is okay! What about me? People are always trying to kill me."

"Don't be a whiner, Superman," Clark said.

Classic Metro stared in awe. "Ha! We're cured. Superman is the one split in two !" With that Classic Metro did a little jig, dancing merrily.

Lois watched the whole procession with a mighty frown on her face. "No! No, no, no. I don't want TWO husbands. And where is Naughty Toc? Don't anyone let her anywhere near Superman, err... Clark. If she finds out he's split in two, she might try to take advantage of the situation."

Ms. Naughty Toc hurriedly approached Lois, Classic Metro, and Superman. "Superman, Classic Metro, are you okay? I saw you get struck by lighting."

Classic Metro smiled and said, "I feel great. I feel better than I've ever felt. I feel so good I think I can fly." He took off flying. "Wow! I *can* fly."

Superman looked at Toc and said, "Well, well. What have we here? A beautiful Swedish lady. A beautifully naughty Swedish lady." He patted her behind, gave it a good squeeze, then floated in the air to get a better look at her bosom.

Clark said, "Superman, stop that. We.. uhh.. I am a married man."

Superman said, "I'm not married."

Clark said, "Superman, what's your real name?"

"Clark, my name is Superman. Have you lost it?"

Clark said, "Oh, great, I remember that I'm Clark and Superman but Superman doesn't remember he's me. Huh? I'm confused."

Lois said, "Oh, no. A lightning strike has given some of your powers away. Oh noooo."

"That's correct!" Classic Metro gloated. "And I'm not giving them back neither." With that he floated up, up, up into the sky... so high that no one could see him any more.

"Well? What are you waiting for? Go get him!" Lois cried. "We can't have a split-personality like Classic Metro flying around the city!"

"Why do I have to do everything?" Superman pouted.

"Unfortunately he's not the one with the split personality any more, Lois, I am... uh we are," Clark said looking utterly miserable and confused.

"It's a shame that lightning bolt didn't literally split you in two. I would have gladly taken Superman and left Clark to Lois," Naughty Toc said, still ogling Superman.

"Why thank you Ms. Toc," Superman said, grinning. "Have you ever been flying?"

"Oh no you don't buster. You're mine: you *and* Clark. And we've gotta figure out a way to get you guys back together. Come on, let's go," Lois hopped into his arms.

"Go where?" Clark asked.

"Awww. I don't wanna go yet. I wasn't done talking to Ms. Toc," Superman whined.

"Yes you were, now fly us back to Dr. Klein this instant!"

Suddenly Lois had a better idea. "Wait!" she said. "Now where do I have that business card?" She searched furiously through her purse. A steady stream of cell-phones, notebooks, pens, combs, make-up items, reserve nylons, subway tokens, odd coins, unmentionables for female emergencies, aspirins, small packages of instant coffee (just add water) small packages of instant water (just add water), coffee cups, Double Fudge Crunch Bars, cartons of Rocky Road ice cream, toothpicks, band-aids, Lex repellents, umbrellas and a billion business cards ran like a lava stream out of her purse. The contents of her handbag clogged up Hobb's Bay, turning parts of it into a landfill.

Eventually, Lois gave a squeal of delight.

"A-ha!!! I knew I had it!" She triumphantly waved a business card reading: "Good Grandmother's, Inc. Provides magic aid and support to reporter Lois Lane in reward of finding and saving Granny-owned pug dog Winston Churchill. Range of Granny-given services: Wide. Telephone number: None. Contact Granny by asking the magic question."

Lois cleared her throat and began:

"If forty-two is the answer to life, the universe and everything, then what is the question?"

"Wrong question!" said Arthur Dent*, waving his towel and briefly interrupting his galactic hitch-hiking to momentarily re-visit the Earth, which had not yet been cleared away to make room for an intergalactic highway.

Lois tried again. "Granny, Granny on the broom, who is the smartest, the cutest, the most Pulitzer-worthy, the only one good enough to be Superman's wife, the..."

"Yes, yes, Lois, that's you," said Granny, riding her broom down from the constellation Cassiopeia and waving her star-spurting wand in blessing over Lois. (A few stars in Cassiopeia actually seemed to be missing.)

Lois sneezed and brushed some glittering stars out of her hair.

"Cut if off!"** said Tank, making a nano-second appearance before disappearing into the mysterious realms of Tankdom again.

"Who was that?" granny asked, watching wide-eyed for any other guest appearances.

"That? That was Tank." Lois confirmed.

"Tank? What's a Tank? He said 'cut it off'. Cut what off?" Granny sounded confused.

"Oh, my hair. Cut my hair off," Lois told her.

"Eh? What was that you say? My hearing is getting a little bad," granny said, cocking her head to one side and positioning her ear better.

"I said, cut my hair off!" Lois yells.

"Oh! Well, you don't have to yell, dearie." There was a poof and some more glitter and when the smoke cleared, four inches of Lois' hair was gone.

"Well, thank you, Granny, I've been meaning to get my hair cut. It gets so messy when I'm flying, but what I really need is my husband all together again."

"Who's your husband?"

"Him ...and him. He *thinks* he is two hims. I hope you can help. I think we've used our quota of favors from Dr. Klein."

"Yes, yes. She waved her wand again scattering stars over Superman. Now I must return the M to the sky - or the W depending on how I fly."

Granny left Superman standing there with his arms crossed and patting his foot. His glasses were sitting askew on his face. He had on a suit coat with a 'Tweety Bird' tie attached to the blue 'S' shirt. The cape flowed from below the suit coat. He also had on the blue leggings and fortunately the red underwear. The red boots were in hyperspace and on his feet were his best dress shoes. "Lois, honey, what happened?" As he spoke, Classic Metro fell from the sky and Clark caught him. "No more powers for you!" Superman said. The naughty lady was trying to sneak up on Superman again. He said, "I'm a married man, Toc!"

Lois looked at him suspiciously. "And just who do you think you are married to, mister? I thought we were engaged!"

"Uhhh... Lois?"

"Hey, just kidding, honey. See? We really are married. This is our marriage license, signed by the Rev. Long John Silver himself. And just to prove to you that we are married...." She whispered something in Granny's ear.

"What, dearie?"

"Bzz-mzzz-shh!"

"Whaaat, dearie?"

"BZZZ-MZZZZ-SHHH!!!"

"WHAAAT, DEARIE?"

"I SAID SEND ME AND CLARK TO HYPERSPACE! SO I CAN PROVE TO HIM THAT WE ARE MARRIED! AND GET YOURSELF SOME HEARING AIDS!!!"

"Oh, sure, yes, dearie..."

There was a "pooof" as Clark and Lois disappeared into hyperspace, and a large, trumpet-shaped old-fashioned hearing aid appeared in Granny's ear.

Granny bent down to disentangle a bright yellow and and a bright blue star from Lois' dark cut-off tresses. Then she mounted her broom again and flew back into the sky to put back Alpha Cassiopeia, the bright yellow star of the 'W' of Cassiopeia and Gamma Cassiopeia, the bright blue star at the top, in the middle of the 'W' into their proper places. Of course, since Granny was flying upside down, the 'W' looked like an 'M'. Cassiopeia*** was so much prettier with all her stars in place.

After a rather long time Lois and Clark returned from hyperspace. Clark had lipstick marks all over his face and neck, his hair was *very* mussed, his Superman shirt was back-to-front, his right red boot was missing, and the toes of his right foot were covered in sloppy lipstick. He wore an expression of pure, stupid, mega-hazy super bliss. Lois, however, looked prim and proper and very smug, while Toc looked on enviously.

Lois looked up into the sky. "Oooh, look honey! How pretty! Granny fixed Cassiopeia. Think you could fly me up there sometime to have a better look?"

"Oh, pick me... no me! I can fly you up. So can I!" Classic Metro said.

"Oh NO!" Clark moaned. "Look, neither one of you can fly anymore. You lost your super powers, and it seems with the loss of your powers you reverted back to Classic and Metro." Everyone took a deep breath and sighed mightily.

"Yes, it seems so," Classic said.

"I agree. But I'm still happy. I was getting kind of lonely the other way," Metro admitted.

In the meantime no one was paying any attention to Toc who had snuck up behind Clark. She grabbed hold of his left leg. She lifted it up and slid the boot off and took off running with it.

"Toc, you're being naughty! Get back here with Superman's boot!" Lois yelled at her.

"Hah! That's my name. And if I can't have Superman, I can at least have a super-souvenir!"

Clark stood there looking a little befuddled down at his bootless feet. Did he have an extra pair out there in hyperspace? Hmm, he couldn't remember. He wiggled his toes while he thought.

As he wiggled his toes again, he said. "My toesies feel pretty good right now. Let Ms. Naughty keep the boot. I'm sure I've got more somewhere. You know I could be really nice and fly her off to see Cassiopeia some time. She *is* keeping my secret. But tell you you what - you get to go first. Come on, let's fly, pretty bird. Let's fly!"

Clark took off into space with Lois to show her Cassiopeia. The stars of the 'W' are called, from right to left, Beta, Alpha, Gamma, Delta and Epsilon Cassiopeia. These stars are not at the same distance from the Earth. Beta is the closest one, about fifty light-years from the Earth. Then comes Delta at a hundred light-years, Alpha, at about 230 light-years, Epsilon, at 450 light-years, and finally Gamma, at 600 light-years. By the time Clark and Lois reached Gamma Lois would ordinarily have frozen and suffocated to death, but Clark's tight embrace kept her warm in the deep freeze of space and his ardent kisses supplied her with love-and-life-giving oxygen.

While they were soaring dizzily in space, Clark and Lois didn't pay a lot of attention to the huge fleet of yellow steam-rollers which were on their way to the Earth, to clear it away to make room for an intergalactic highway

At least not until Clark almost flew them into one of those yellow steamrollers.

"What the heck?" Clark said, stunned. "Would you get a load of that?" he said to Lois, jerking his thumb at the big bright yellow steam-roller.

The thumb motion of course caught the attention of one of the passersby. "Hi. Name's Arthur. Need a lift?"

"Uh, no, but what's going on here?" Clark asked.

"Oh, they're paving the way for the new intergalactic highway that's going to run through here."

Clark looked at the direction they were headed... straight for earth. "They're headed that way?"

"Yep. Well, see you later!" and with that Arthur took off again.

"Oh, no! Clark! We have to do something," Lois exclaimed.

"I've got an idea." Clark took Lois back to earth, grabbed some supplies and headed back into space. He proceeded to construct a floating sign that said 'Construction Detour - follow yellow signs'. He then posted several yellow signs to lead the steam-rollers off track and away from Earth.

Now he needed to head back and check on Lois. He had left her in the company of Classic Metro, and Ms. Toc back at Inspector Henderson's office.

As he flew back towards Earth, Clark watched the sky. He realized that ruse hadn't worked. He also thought about the memory of that dream that remained submerged in his subconsciousness.

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*Arthur Dent is the main character of "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy". He is hitch-hiking because the Earth has been cleared away to make room for an intergalactic highway. Arthur learns that "42" is the answer to everything, but you can't understand what the answer means unless you understand what the real question is. Oh, and the one thing you mustn't forget to bring during your intergalactic travels is your towel....

**Refers to Tank's recent story Paradise Lost -
Paradise Lost We'd like to thank you, Tank, for your inspiration. =}


***Look how pretty Cassiopeia is when it's got all its stars in the proper places! Constellation Cassiopeia