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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 3,846
Pulitzer
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OP
Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 3,846 |
Hi, Great start. 
Maria D. Ferdez.
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Don't like Luthor, unfinished, untitled and crossover story, and people that promises and don't deliver. I'm getting choosy with age.
MAF
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,363
Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,363 |
This is a really good start. I love stories surrounded around BatP/HoL. However, it all runs together. In your next post, instead of the way it is written, please space as follows: Clark stood there, frozen in front of the park bench not able to say anything. *This wasn’t true!* he hoped that his ears betrayed him for the first time in his life. But they never had and certainly didn’t start it right now.
Lois watched him expectantly, waiting for his nod telling her, Superman was almost on his way to her apartment. But she wasn’t going to get it.
“Oh, I understand.” Clark said with a joyless laughter that sounded unusually rough for him. “How can Mr. Hack-from-nowheresville even consider having a chance compared with Superman. Or with the wealthy Mr. Luther. What could *I* actually offer?”
He glanced at her with disappointment and wished that he had never become the man of steel. Why had he encouraged her so much while wearing the suit?
“You get that wrong, I’m not attracted by his powers. It’s the *man* inside the suit I’ve fallen in love with. His bravery, his honesty, his moral standards. If he didn’t have powers I would love him just the same.” Lois replied softly. “It has nothing to do with you being human.”
All of the sudden Clark went pale and Lois could see that he was fighting with tears.
“Oh, Clark, I’m so sorry.” She tried to soothe him.
“Do you really believe, what you just said? You would barely notice him, if it wasn’t for the spandex and his ability to lift rockets into the orbit.” he blurted out.
Hot rage of despair was burning inside him. Why didn’t she see that Superman wasn’t for real and that her future fiance was evil? He wanted her to notice him, he wanted it so badly, that he feared to hurt her by accident. This was getting dangerous. But his rage hadn’t yet subsided.
“Clark, there’s jealousy speaking.”Lois remarked matter-of-factly.
“I’m not jealous!” he growled with anger. But...I love it and am looking forward to your next post. I'm on the edge of my seat here to see what happens when Lois goes to see Clark. 
I'm a firm believer in the fact that God doesn't put any more on us than we can bear. He does however make us come to Jesus every so often.
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,166
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,166 |
Your English is very good. I agree with Sheila - please put spacing between your paragraphs. If you are having problems with cutting and pasting try saving your file in text format and then paste it to the board. I think this is a great start and look forward to more! I do have one other comment and I speak as a nurse with psychiatric experience who has worked with many suicidal patients. If no one is going to end up really being suicidal in your story, I'd suggest a name change to perhaps just 'Despair'. On another note, I can understand Clark becoming suicidal. Afterall, I made him suicidal in A New Hero after Lois died. More soon please!!!! 
~~Even heroes have the right to dream.~~
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 546
Columnist
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Columnist
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 546 |
I loved that first part. I always found Clark a little too gentle. I LOVE IT when he shows anger, and just after Lois reject him and ask him to contact Superman is definitely a moment where he should be very angry. So, I love it.
I am a writer, and my native language isn't english either, so I fully understand your difficulty with writing the story. I know very well how we can feel when we struggle with every word of a simple sentence. But keep it coming, you're good.
And I agree with all the others: put spaces between your paragraphes next time. It'd be a lot easier to read you if you do.
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,525 Likes: 30
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,525 Likes: 30 |
@ Classicalla: I'm afraid, but there's a reason for my title, so I won't do any changes.  @ everyone: I take the advice concerning the spaces, you are right. It's definetly easier to read. Thanks for encouragement so far. I promise to post frequently.
It's never too dark to be cool. 
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,166
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,166 |
I didn't mean that you should absolutely change the name - only if there wasn't a really good reason for it. I guess having worked with the mentally ill, I don't want the term used lightly. More soon! More soon!! This seems that it will be a great story! 
~~Even heroes have the right to dream.~~
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,525 Likes: 30
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,525 Likes: 30 |
I see your point. I won't use the term either, if it wasn't the right word. I can't think of another word, not even in my language. Though, the question tag isn't there for nothing.
It's never too dark to be cool.
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