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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,540 Likes: 6
Pulitzer
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OP
Pulitzer
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,540 Likes: 6 |
Great story, DJ!  Let me warm and fuzzy inside. ![[Linked Image]](http://www.cosgan.de/images/smilie/liebe/f030.gif) Keep writing.  Andreia 
"My wife's love is what unites Krypton and Earth in my heart. Without it, without her, I truly would be in hell."
~ Superman: Man of Tomorrow #15
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Pulitzer
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Good job, DJ! This was a very well done story! Loved Lois's reaction upon finding out the secret. Not letting him in, and then when he went on to 'reveal his secret'...  There's something I'd like to point out, though. This story is too long to drag on and on without a scene break. I understand that you never leave Clark's POV, but I found it a little overwhelming and tiring to read. And it's such a shame, really. “I’m sorry Lois. I...” And before he even realized what he was doing, he was in the air, flying. He didn’t even know where he was going; he just flew. *** He continued to fly around for a few hours just thinking, trying to decide what he needed to do. After averting a few minor emergencies and making a couple of rescues, he finally ended up at his parents’ house. When he touched down on their front porch it was dark out. The sky was alight with a blanket of stars. You could insert a scene break where I put the asterisks. Same with the parts where you change place, or move quickly ahead in time. Other than that, it was a great story. Keep up the good work! See ya, AnnaBtG.
What we've got here is failure to communicate...
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 2,667
Pulitzer
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Thanks for the fdk Andreia and Anna! Glad you both liked it! And thanks for the *special* thread name Andreia! I love it. Hee hee. Anna, I actually didn't realize until after I posted the story that I didn't have any scene breaks in the story.  And you're right, since I wrote it all from Clark's POV I wasn't sure I needed any. Sorry about that. I've gone back and inserted some in appropriate places. Maybe I should have posted this in two parts? After my last story this one felt short to me, so I just did one post. Sorry to have worn you out - I made the suggested improvements.  **edited** - Andreia, I just realized you've *updated* your original comments...thank you again so much - your additional comments are wonderful and so appreciated!
Smile and the world smiles with you ... frown and you're just giving yourself wrinkles.
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,058
Pulitzer
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Posts: 4,058 |
Nice job! Very cute story. Laura
Clark: “If we can be born in an instant, and die in an instant, why can’t we fall in love in an instant?”
Caroline's "Stardust"
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,363 |
This story was cute and with a unique revelation. I enjoyed it! 
I'm a firm believer in the fact that God doesn't put any more on us than we can bear. He does however make us come to Jesus every so often.
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Pulitzer
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Thanks for the fdk Laura and Sheila! So glad you enjoyed it! I had a lot of fun writing it - especially the confession scene by Clark. Hee hee.
Thanks -- DJ
Smile and the world smiles with you ... frown and you're just giving yourself wrinkles.
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 2,761
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Posts: 2,761 |
Hey, DJ, I think it worked okay as a single-chaptered story, so don't worry about that  (Some people write multi-chaptered stories with chapters this long!) Though if it was to be any longer you might have had to split it in two. I took a look to see where you put your scene breaks, and you've worked them out really well Somebody might think it doesn't make much difference - I mean, hey, you might see a line-break but you'll keep reading anyway! But I guess it has some kind of subliminal effect on the reader. Or maybe it's just me See ya, AnnaBtG.
What we've got here is failure to communicate...
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Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
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I really enjoyed this! Very unusual revelation - I don't think I've ever read one based on this particular episode, nor do you usually see Clark just panicking and bolting once Lois learns his secret. It was very in-character and believable, however, under the circumstances. He was muddled by hurt feelings and completely unprepared to deal with her anger on top of that. I loved the breakfast scene and actually giggled aloud at the wonderful image you gave us of Lois with the egg-encrusted spatula and the pancake batter in her hair. Perfect! Thanks for the WAFFy goodness Best, Caroline
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Again Anna, thanks for the suggestion. It was a good one and I certainly don't want to wear anyone out while they read. It's supposed to be relaxing.  (well, usually) Caroline - thank you for the comments. I'm glad you liked it. I know, at least for me, it's just nice to read a little piece of fluff for a change. I'm glad you liked the WAFF. --Oh, and I have to admit, I giggled out loud myself while I wrote that part about Lois cooking. Sad, I know, but I couldn't help myself. I hoped everyone else would think it as funny as I did.
Smile and the world smiles with you ... frown and you're just giving yourself wrinkles.
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Freelance Reporter
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Freelance Reporter
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I loved this story so much that I didn't even realize there weren't any scene breaks in it. FinLi
Clark: "Can I have a rat chief? Can I, huh? Please?"
Perry: "Clark, do you want me to send you to the dark room?"
Clark: "The dark room?"
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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This story is so lovely, I liked it very much! Great work, DJ!  simona
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Merriwether
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Awww, that was great!
Jackie
Superman: I hear you've been looking for me.
Lois: All my life.
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Pulitzer
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Aww, thanks guys! You've made my day! I'm so glad so many of you enjoyed this story. It's always been one of my favorite episodes from season one. Thanks for all the wonderful feedback and comments! 
Smile and the world smiles with you ... frown and you're just giving yourself wrinkles.
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 738
Columnist
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Columnist
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What a great story. Wow. I loved the breakfast scene and the phone conversation with Jimmy. Had to laugh a lot. Thank you so much.
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Pulitzer
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You're welcome Tahu. I enjoyed writing the breakfast scene in particular. I made myself laugh outloud. Sad, I know.
Smile and the world smiles with you ... frown and you're just giving yourself wrinkles.
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