Lois looked at Clark, pleading with him silently to give Mattie space. To let her handle their daughter’s outburst her way. She took a few steps, crossing the room and reaching for her daughter. “Mattie, sweet girl,” she said. “What are you talking about? Why are you so upset?”
She stepped close to her and put a hand on Mattie’s shoulder. Suddenly everything was in slow motion. Mattie jerked, shrugging off her hand, and Lois felt the wind knocked out of her. From a distance, she heard Clark scream, “Mattie, NO!”
And then she was flying.
It must have only been a fraction of a second, and then Clark was wrapped around her, their combined bodies slamming into the display case, shattering the glass and toppling everything to the floor. His body curled around hers, protecting her from the flying glass and debris. As soon as everything stopped moving, he jerked back, his eyes raking over her. He flipped off his glasses, and she knew he was x-raying her, looking for broken bones and internal injuries.
“I’m fine, Clark,” she managed to say. “I’m fine.”
He was shaking, not interested in her reassurances until he could see for himself. He stood and pulled her to stand with him, growling and shaking his head furiously when she winced. He scanned her ribs, where Mattie had slammed into her with her elbow, and shook his head. “Nothing’s broken, but it’s going to be a hell of a bruise,” he spit out.
“Clark, I’m fine. Calm down, honey. I’m okay, I swear.”
“You could have died,” he spat.
From the doorway, she heard Mattie gasp. Lois looked at her daughter’s face for the first time since she had turned her back on the room. She was pale as a sheet, expressionless. Tears rolled quietly down her face.
“Mattie,” she said gently. “I’m okay, sweet girl. It’s okay.”
“Mommy?” she cried, her voice tiny and scared.
“Go to your room, Mattie,” Clark said, his voice like ice.
“Clark!” Lois admonished through gritted teeth. “It’s okay, Mattie. It’s okay, baby. Come here.”
Lois approached her slowly, arms extended, like she was a skittish, injured animal. But Mattie fled, running up the stairs.
Lois wheeled on Clark. “Look at me,” she said, waiting until his eyes focused on hers to continue. “I know. I know you’re scared. I know you are panicking. I know nothing makes you more furious than seeing someone hurt me. But you need to pull it together right now. That is our baby, and she is terrified. Put yourself in her position. She didn’t mean to hurt me. It was an accident, Clark. Imagine how you would feel if you were her right now. We have to help her understand this isn’t her fault.”
“It is her fault,” he said quietly. “And it’s my fault. I should have seen this coming. I should have taught her better.”
“Stop,” Lois said. “We do not have time for this. You can self-flagellate later, and I’ll tell you all the reasons it’s not your fault and how much I love you. Right now we need to go upstairs TOGETHER and talk to our daughter before it’s too late to get through to her. Before she hates all the parts of her that make her special.”
Clark nodded, still shaking, but calming enough to understand the importance of what Lois was telling him. He brushed the glass from his clothes and his hair, then surveyed the floor. Lois started to pick her way carefully across the room, conscious of her sock-clad feet. Clark stopped her with a hand on her shoulder and scooped her into his arms, carrying her across the room and setting her down gently where it was safe.
“She’s going to remember this day for the rest of her life,” Lois said quietly. “Think very carefully about what you say to her.”
“Whoa,” came a little voice from the doorway. “Did Mattie break that?”
“Hey, buddy,” Clark said, his voice strained. “It’s okay. It was just an accident. There’s a lot of glass in here though, so you need to stay out. Mommy and I are going to talk to Mattie. Why don’t you go watch a show, and then I’ll come play with you.”
JP nodded, wide-eyed at the mess, and did as he was told.
Lois slipped her hand into Clark’s, threading their fingers together, and led him upstairs. She knocked on Mattie’s door but didn’t wait for a response before opening it.
“Mattie-girl,” she said softly. “It’s okay, sweetheart.”
Mattie was prone on her bed, face in the pillow. She was unmoving, unresponsive. Lois walked to the bed and sat on the edge, rubbing Mattie’s back gently.
“I know you’re upset. I know you’re scared. But I’m okay. Sit up and look at me. I’m totally fine.”
She didn’t move for a minute, and Lois was thinking of what to say next when Mattie finally turned her head and looked at her. Lois nodded and smiled encouragingly. Mattie sat up slowly and looked at her.
“You’re really okay?” she whispered.
“I’m really okay,” Lois echoed, holding out her arms and letting Mattie look her over. Then she held out her arms for a hug, and Mattie crawled into her lap like she hadn’t in years, laying her head on Lois’ shoulder and crying. Lois wrapped her arms around her and rocked gently, shushing her. “It’s okay, sweet girl. It’s okay, I promise.”
Clark sat beside her, putting one arm around Lois’ shoulders and stroking Mattie’s hair. “I’m sorry, Mattie,” he said softly. “I’m sorry, I yelled. I was so scared. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
She sniffled but didn’t respond, her eyes still clenched closed.
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me,” Lois said softly. “You would never do that. You are kind and gentle and sweet. All you did was shrug, Mattie. You didn’t hit me or push me. You weren’t being aggressive or violent. You just shrugged my hand off your shoulder because you were upset. That’s all. There’s nothing wrong with that. You didn’t know what would happen.”
“Your powers are so new, Mattie,” Clark said quietly. “It’s only been a couple weeks. No one expects you to have them figured out yet. You don’t know yet how to control them. And I didn’t see it coming in time. We both learned some valuable information today. We can use that to do better.”
“What if I do it again?” she whispered.
“You won’t,” Clark said, his voice strong and sure. “You will likely break things, don’t get me wrong. I’ve broken plenty of things. When your mom and I were dating, I smashed a phone because I hung up too forcefully. And one time at work I got so angry at your mom I ripped a door off the hinges.”
Lois laughed softly, and Clark gave her an apologetic smile.
“My point is, you’ll make mistakes. But you won’t hurt the people you love. You know now how important it is to control your emotions when you are that angry. We can work on some techniques for controlling your anger. And we can do better too -- when we see you that upset, we can back off rather than pushing you. We can help you remember to calm down before you explode.”
Mattie sat up, and Lois dropped her arms so Mattie could slide off her lap. She sat on the bed beside Lois, her gaze in her lap.
“Can you talk to us now about why you were so upset,” Lois prompted. “You’ve been so mad at me all day, and I don’t understand why.”
When Mattie didn’t respond right away, Lois continued to prompt her. “You said you thought this wasn’t going to be forever. That your dad and I would separate again. Because we aren’t married? Because he went to his house today?”
“I heard you last night,” she whispered, face still downcast.
“Last night?” Lois prompted.
“Fighting. I heard you fighting last night. I didn’t mean to listen. I couldn’t make it stop.”
“Oh, god,” Clark said quietly, running his hand through his hair. “That’s a hell of a time for that power to kick in. I’m sorry, Mattie. I should have prepared you more for that. Taught you how to block it out.”
“I don’t know exactly what you heard,” Lois started. “But-”
“You said love isn’t enough,” Mattie whispered. “And then Daddy said he had to leave. And then he was still gone when I woke up this morning.”
“Oh, no. No, sweet girl. He wasn’t still gone.” Lois reached out and pulled Mattie in for a hug, realizing how badly she’d misinterpreted what she’d heard. “You missed so much. I said love isn’t enough, because love and trust are equally important in a relationship. Your Dad loves AND trusts me. I was reminding him of that. And he did leave -- to go be Superman. And then as soon as he was done, he came home. And we talked it out, and everything was fine. And he was here all night. And then he got an early start this morning, so he could get back to us sooner and not be gone all day. Because he hates to be away from us. He left just a little bit before you woke up. And he’s back now.”
“He didn’t sleep there?”
“No, Mattie,” Clark said firmly. “I slept here. In my bed. With your mom. I’ll never go sleep over there, I promise. Even if your mom and I have an argument, we’ll work it out.”
“Why do we have to keep your house then? If you aren’t going to sleep there ever.”
Clark looked at Lois and raised his eyebrows, silently asking if it was time to spill the surprise. Lois nodded.
“We’re not selling the house, because we’re hoping Grandma Martha will live there part time,” he said finally.
Mattie’s head whipped up. “Really?”
Clark put up a hand to slow her. “Yes, really. But we didn’t tell you yet because we wanted Grandma to be able to try it out without any pressure. When she comes for Thanksgiving, instead of just staying in our guest room for a few days, she’s going to live at our old house for a few weeks. Maybe until Christmas. But this is going to be new for her. She might really miss the farm and her friends and want to go home. I don’t know. We’ll have to wait and see how it goes. But that’s what we are hoping for. And that’s why I went over there today -- to get the house ready for her. I moved some stuff around, turned the spare room into an art studio, and did some cleaning and organizing. I think it’s all ready for her now.
Mattie smiled for the first time all day.
Lois reached out and stroked her hair. “You feeling better?
Mattie nodded, but her eyes were still full of remorse. Lois knew it would likely be a while before things were truly okay.
“You want to come downstairs?” Lois asked. “Maybe watch a movie?”
Mattie shook her head. “Maybe later. I just want to be alone for a little bit.”
Los hesitated, unsure whether leaving her to stew over what she had done was healthy, but ultimately decided Mattie had a right to some time to decompress. “Okay, maybe later.”
She wrapped Mattie in a hug, the girl’s body stiff and unyielding. “I love you so much, Mattie-cakes,” she whispered. “Nothing can ever ever change that.”
Lois stood and watched as Clark drew Mattie into a hug, and their daughter shuddered and choked back tears. “It’s okay, sweet girl. We love you so much,” he whispered.
Mattie crumbled against his chest. “I’m so sorry, Daddy. I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
He stroked her hair and let her sob. “I know, sweet girl. I know. You would never hurt anyone on purpose, especially Mommy. I know. It was an accident. We all make mistakes. No one is mad at you. We know you didn’t do it on purpose.”
Lois’ heart ached, watching her daughter’s body wracked with sobs. But she knew from personal experience that there was no better place to be in those broken moments than Clark’s arms. She watched him soothe their daughter, her heart filled with love for them both.
Eventually Mattie’s sobs quieted to sniffles, and she pulled away, rubbing her eyes. Clark leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “You sure you don’t want to come down with us?” he asked quietly.
She nodded and laid down on her bed with her back to them. Clark looked at Lois for guidance and she shrugged, not sure what was the right thing to do. Finally she extended a hand to him, and he came to her, wrapping his arms around her. She rested her head on his chest for a minute, soaking up his strength. Then she stepped back and reached for his hand. She pulled him out of Mattie’s room, lingering in the doorway for just a minute before gently closing the door.
She led him down the hallway to their room and pulled him inside, closing the door gently. Then she turned, dropping his hand and opening her arms to him.
He collapsed into her arms, his body shuddering. He lifted her into his arms, walking a few paces to the armchair and sinking into the seat, holding her in his lap, clinging to her.
“Oh, god, Lois,” he whispered. “I thought…. I couldn’t… What if…”
“I know,” she soothed, stroking his hair, and then resting her hand on his cheek, lifting his face until his eyes met her. “I know, honey. I know. I’m so sorry. I know that was awful for you.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” His voice was agonized. “I wasn’t fast enough. I should have realized. I should have taught her. God, I’m so sorry.”
She shushed him, stroking his cheek. “You have nothing to apologize for, Clark. It was an accident. And you were fast enough. You caught me and shielded me. I don’t have a scratch on me.”
He lifted her shirt, his face crumpling at the angry red and purple mottling on her pale skin. He was right. It was going to be a hell of a bruise.
“Oh, baby,” he whispered, his fingers fluttering above the bruise, scared to touch her. “I’m so sorry.”
“Clark, you have nothing to be sorry for,” she repeated. “I’m fine. Everything is fine. It was an accident. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I should have backed off when I saw how angry she was.”
“I should have seen it coming,” he whispered, dropping his forehead to hers. “Every time she’s been able to summon her powers, it’s been because she was angry. Pushed to her limits. I should have recognized what was about to happen. She could have-”
He stopped, unable to finish that sentence. His breath was ragged and shallow. She let him hold her silently for a few minutes, his hands caressing her face, her hair, her arm, just tracing her, reassuring himself that she was whole.
“She’s my daughter,” he said finally, his voice barely a whisper. “Those are my powers. And she used them to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”
Lois closed her eyes, hot tears threatening to spill over. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes, lifting his face to force him to meet her gaze. “No, Clark. She’s our daughter. This is not your fault. You didn’t do this.”
“Teaching them how to control their powers and use them for good, that’s my greatest responsibility as their father. How could I have messed this up so badly?”
“You didn’t mess up anything. You are a wonderful father, Clark. The best.”
“And then I just completely panicked,” he continued, deaf to her attempts at comfort. “I yelled at her to go to her room? When she was terrified and crying? What the hell is wrong with me?”
He sat up, running his fingers through his hair. His whole body radiated his agitation. “I wasn’t thinking about her at all, Lois. Not one part of me was worried about how terribly traumatizing it would be for her to lose control and accidentally injure her mother. I put her in that position by not teaching her how to recognize when she needs to walk away and by not seeing it in time and forcing her to walk away before it was too late, and then when she exploded I turned on her.”
“Clark, no. Stop. That is not- You can’t do this to yourself. You didn’t put her in this position. It was just a perfect storm. And you can’t blame yourself for panicking. Watching me in danger like that...we’ve spent years in therapy dealing with this, Clark. That trauma doesn’t just disappear. You know that. You can’t blame yourself for your reaction.”
“Thank god you were able to think clearly,” he said, shaking his head sadly. “Who knows what I would have said to her if you hadn’t stopped me. I’d never forgive myself.”
“You just needed a reminder,” Lois said gently. “As soon as I pointed out what we needed to do, you were there for her. You said all the right things. It was your arms she collapsed in, Clark. She knows how much you love her.”
He was quiet, and she could feel him finally soaking in her words, letting go of some of the self-recrimination.
His eyes met hers, and he reached out to cup her cheek. “I can’t do this without you,” he whispered. “If I lost you…”
“I know,” she said softly, her heart aching. “Trust me, I know.”
He dipped his head and kissed her, gently at first and then greedily, one hand tangling in her hair, the other still on her cheek. Her hands cradled his face, as she met him kiss for kiss, his desperation triggering her own.
Her mind spun with all their close calls. All the times she had almost lost him. All the times she thought she had lost him. All the times she thought they had lost each other.
Slowly, she gentled their kisses, bringing them back to the present. When he pulled away finally and looked into her eyes, she could see that he was still emotional but less overwhelmed.
“I need to go check on JP,” she said finally.
“I’ll come too,” he said quickly, and she understood that he didn’t want to let her out of his sight. She nodded and stood, holding out a hand to him. He stood too and threaded his fingers through hers, following her downstairs.
JP was on the couch, happily watching television, and Lois tried not to think about how much time he’d spent in front of that giant screen that day.
“One day of unlimited screen time isn’t going to hurt him,” Clark said quietly, reading her mind.
She rolled her eyes, but conceded easily.
“Let’s go assess the damage,” she said, inclining her head toward the office. He took a deep breath and nodded.
They walked together through the living room and stood in the doorway to the office. The display cabinet lay in a heap, glass and chunks of splintered wood scattered across half the room. Awards and books lay tangled in the wreckage. She realized just how hard they must have hit the cabinet for it to shatter so entirely. For the first time, she really considered how dangerous it had been for her, how seriously injured she could have been if he hadn’t been there to wrap himself around her and take the impact.
She looked up at Clark, who was staring at the damage, shaking his head slightly. He felt her looking at him and turned to face her. She reached up and stroked his cheek. “Thank you,” she said softly. “It always seems so little to say.”
“I’ll always catch you, Lois,” he said, and she remembered him making her the same promise the night of Jimmy’s party, when she’d been so scared to take the risk of repairing their marriage.
“I know,” she said, reaching for him and pulling him in for a kiss.
“How many times do you suppose you’ve saved my life?” she asked when they pulled apart.
He exhaled noisily and pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her. “I thought we were done with death-defying stunts. That was our deal.”
“Gotta keep you on your toes,” she teased.
They turned to look at the wreckage again.
“We needed a bigger cabinet anyway,” she said finally, and Clark shook his head and laughed helplessly.
Monday November 24, 2008
Lois knocked on Mattie’s door gently and poked her head in when there was no response. Mattie was laying on her bed reading.
“Hey, sweet girl. I made you a snack. Why don’t you come down for a bit?”
“Okay,” she said quietly, sitting up.
“How’s your book?” Lois asked, as she walked out of the room with Mattie following.
“Fine,” Mattie said noncommittally.
Lois sighed quietly, unsure how to reach her daughter. Mattie had barely spoken last night or today. She answered only direct questions and with as few words as possible, did as she was told without complaint, and even remembered to do her chores without being prompted. In other words, she was not at all herself. Lois knew she was still reeling from the events of yesterday afternoon. She’d tried to bring it up a few times, and Mattie listened politely as she talked, nodding in all the right places, but she had nothing to add to the conversation.
She knew Mattie was stuck in a downward spiral of self-loathing, and she had tried to be extra affectionate and gentle with her, but she honestly wasn’t sure if she was getting through to her at all.
In the kitchen, Lois handed Mattie a plate with cheese and crackers and the little pickles Mattie liked so much, and Mattie took it wordlessly to the table. She sat and waited for a few minutes, staring out the window, before finally looking around and asking, “Where’s JP?”
“He’s down the street at Carter’s house,” Lois replied. “I thought we could hang out for a bit just the two of us.”
She brought her own plate to the table and sat in her spot, reaching out to cover Mattie’s hand with her own. Mattie flinched and started to pull her hand away.
“Don’t do that,” Lois said softly.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Mattie said softly, her eyes in her lap.
“Mattie-girl, you aren’t going to hurt me. Yesterday was...it was a fluke, Mattie. Everything was so out of control. You had been angry all day, and I pushed and pushed to try to get you to talk to me. I pushed you until you broke. That was my fault. I should have given you space. I should have seen that you needed time to calm down before we could talk.”
Mattie looked up at her with tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
“I know, Mattie. I know, sweet girl.” Lois scooted over and reached for her. Mattie hesitated, and then finally allowed herself to be pulled into a hug. Lois breathed a sigh of relief, hoping she had finally made some progress.
When Mattie started to squirm, Lois released her and scooted back to her spot at the table. They ate in a more comfortable silence for a few minutes.
“JP is going to be at Carter’s for a few hours. Is there anything you’d like to do while he’s gone? We could go out for a bit? Or watch a movie?”
“A movie sounds good,” she said quietly.
They finished their snack and walked together to the living room, logging into Netflix and searching for a movie. Mattie settled on Night at the Museum, and Lois agreed immediately, happy to watch whatever Mattie wanted. Lois turned on the fireplace and curled up on the couch, tucking a throw blanket around her legs.
Mattie watched her thoughtfully, and Lois wondered what she was thinking about so intensely.
“Are you cold?” Mattie asked finally.
“I was,” Lois replied. “I’m comfortable with the fire and blanket.”
“I never get cold anymore,” Mattie said quietly. “I remember being cold. But I never feel it anymore.”
Lois’ heart lurched. “That must be so strange for you,” she said gently. “So much of this must be strange and new.”
Mattie nodded. “It’s...not bad. It’s nice to never be cold. I hated being cold.”
“You hated being cold even when you were a baby,” Lois told her with a fond smile. “Your first winter, I kept dressing you in these adorable little one piece outfits with feet that looked like paws and hoods that had animal ears. You know: a little bear, a little dog. They were really soft and thick, not like normal baby pajamas. I think they were meant to be coats really. Your father kept teasing me. Told me I was projecting my own hatred of the cold onto you. He said you’d be fine in a regular outfit. But I swear you were happier in the little animal onesies. You slept so much better in them.”
“Daddy didn’t believe you?” Mattie asks.
“He just likes to give me a hard time. He teased me about it, but he went out and bought you the panda and the monkey.”
Mattie’s smile was contagious. “I noticed last year that the cold didn’t hurt anymore. I could still feel it. I knew it was cold. But it didn’t hurt like it used to. You know what I mean? When the cold gets deep into your bones?” Lois nodded. She was familiar with that feeling. “This year, when it started getting cold...I didn’t even notice. I couldn’t feel a thing. When all my friends started wearing coats and hats and scarves, I just... didn’t need them.”
“Why didn’t you say something to us?” Lois asked gently. “I had no idea.”
Mattie shrugged. “I didn’t really think about it. I’ve always been tough. I just thought I was building a tolerance or something.”
“You have always been tough,” Lois agreed. “You were never as loud and wild as your brother, but you were just as adventurous, just as resilient. Do you remember when we put in that playset in the backyard?”
Mattie shook her head, and Lois laughed. “We got it for you for your third birthday. Your dad was going to wait until you were sleeping and assemble it at night so it would be waiting for you when you woke up on your birthday. He could have done it in a matter of minutes. But he made the mistake of telling Uncle Jimmy about it, and he was convinced your dad needed help, and he was just the guy for the job. The two of them were out there all weekend putting that thing together. It was a comedy of errors. I kept you inside, and we stayed far away from that debacle.
“Anyway, they finally got the thing put together, and you were so excited to play on it. Before we could even show you how to climb the rock wall up into the playhouse, you were scaling the side of the playset. Straight up the wall like a spider monkey, nothing but the cracks in between the wood slats for footholds. You climbed right up and then launched yourself through the window head first.”
Mattie laughed, wide eyed at her own exploits. “And you only got worse,” Lois said. “By Spring, you had learned how to pump your legs on the swings, and you would get yourself going as fast as you could and then jump so you could fly. The first time you hit the ground, I about had a heart attack. But you just popped right up and did it again.”
“Maybe I always knew I was meant to fly,” Mattie said softly, and Lois reached out and hugged her.
“I know this part is hard and scary,” Lois said when she sat back again. “But Mattie… There’s so much fun to come. You just don’t even know. These powers are a huge responsibility, but they are also a gift. Just wait and see.”
This time, it was Mattie who leaned in for the hug.
Lois heard the mudroom door open, and she turned to see Clark walk in. “You’re early,” she said, not bothering to hide the delight in her voice.
He came straight to her, and bent for a kiss. “Only one more day of classes. Half my students weren’t even there today. I let them go a little early. I wanted to come home and see my favorite girls.” He stroked her cheek quickly, and then turned to Mattie, dropping a kiss on top of her head. “What are you up to, sweet girl? Did you talk Mom into a movie while JP is at his play date?”
“It was her idea,” Mattie crowed.
“Come watch with us,” Lois said, reaching for him.
Clark nodded, and crouched in front of her, taking her hand in both of his. “Just let me go change. Are you warm enough? Do you want me to turn up the heat? Your hands are freezing.”
She smiled and shook her head. “I’ll be fine in a minute. The blanket will keep me warm until you come back.”
His brow furrowed and he reached for his glasses and gave her a questioning look. “That’ll work too,” she said with a grin.
He pulled the blanket back and swept a slow beam of heat from her head to her toes, gently warming her. She felt her whole body relax, the tension seeping out with the cold. She reached up and stroked his cheek. “Thank you.”
He leaned forward and kissed her sweetly, then tucked the blanket back around her. “I’ll be right back.”
She watched him walk out of the room, then turned back to see Mattie staring at her wide eyed and maybe a little appalled. “Did he just use his heat vision on your body?” she asked.
Lois nodded and grinned. “One of the many perks of your father’s powers.”
“You aren’t…scared?” she asked softly. “That he might lose control and burn you?”
“No, sweet girl. Not even a tiny bit.”
Mattie looked skeptical.
Lois reached out and took Mattie’s hand in hers. “Mattie, I trust your father completely. Without reservation. He would never, ever hurt me. He’s the most gentle man I’ve ever met. He’s also had thirty years to perfect his control. When I met him, he’d already had fifteen years to practice. You can’t expect to have his level of mastery after only a couple weeks. Talk to him, Mattie. He has tons of stories of losing control in the beginning. Let him teach you how to use them. Take your time. Give yourself some grace. You’ll get there. Someday I’ll let you use your powers on me too.”
Mattie smiled at her, and after just a moment of hesitation, snuggled into Lois’ embrace and started the movie.
When the movie was over, Clark went down the street to pick up JP, and Lois walked into the kitchen to preheat the oven for dinner. When she returned to the living room, she was surprised to find Mattie not on the couch, but standing in the doorway of the office.
Lois walked over to join her. The room was clean, no sign of yesterday’s incident. Clark had disposed of all the glass and the broken pieces of the cabinet. Aside from the odd sense that something was missing, the room looked no worse for wear. The awards lay on the desk, temporarily homeless, some sporting chips or cracks, but thankfully none of them destroyed. . The frame that housed her Pulitzer had shattered, but the certificate was unharmed. It was tucked away in a desk drawer now, waiting to be reframed.
“We’ll get a new cabinet,” Lois said softly. “We needed to replace that one anyway.”
“All your awards,” Mattie said softly. She walked over to the desk and traced the cracks with her finger.
“They’re fine,” Lois said with a shrug. “And even if they were destroyed...oh well. They’re just things, Mattie.”
Mattie turned to look at her, eyes sorrowful. Lois waited patiently for her to say what was on her mind. “Does it hurt a lot?” she asked finally.
“Oh, Mattie. No, sweet girl. I’m okay. It’s just a bruise. I’ve been banged up worse plenty of times in my life.”
“When we were in Smallville, Daddy told me over and over how important it was not to lose control of my powers. That it was better not to push. To wait and let it come. That I could hurt someone if I wasn’t careful. He said our powers are a big responsibility and that above all, we have to use them to help and not hurt. I didn’t just break things. I hurt you. He’s never going to forgive me.”
“Mattie,” Lois said, tears filling her eyes. “No, baby. No. That’s not true. Your dad already forgave you.”
“He spent years protecting you from bad guys. And then I hurt you. With my powers. Because I didn’t listen to him. How can he ever forgive me?”
“No, sweet girl,” Lois insisted. “He understands better than anyone how hard this is for you. He’s made mistakes too.”
Mattie shook her head. “It’s not just any mistake. He loves you more than anything in the whole world. Even when you didn’t live together, I knew that was true. Abby’s parents are divorced, and they hate each other. They fight all the time. And even when they aren’t fighting, it’s awkward to be around them. You and Daddy were never like that. Daddy missed you all the time. When you would drop us off and leave, he would watch you go, and he would be so sad. He tried to hide it from us, but…”
Lois closed her eyes and scrubbed her hand over her face, guilt burning through her. “I’m so sorry, Mattie. Grown up relationships are so complicated. I really believed I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want us to fight and be angry, like Abby’s parents. I thought everyone would be happier if we lived in two houses. I didn’t mean to hurt Daddy. Or you.”
Mattie looked down at the floor, guilt and regret coming off her in waves.
“Mattie,” she said, refocusing on the issue at hand. “Your father has more capacity to forgive than anyone I know. I hurt him so badly, Mattie. You know that. And he forgave me. He can forgive you too.”
Mattie shook her head. “But you hurt him. He can forgive that. I hurt you.”
“Mattie,” Lois said softly. But Mattie walked past her, back up the stairs to her room, unwilling to discuss it any further.
Lois sat at her desk with her head in her hands, aching for her daughter. Both for her erroneous belief that her mistake was unforgivable, and for the years of heartache she had witnessed thanks to Lois’ misguided attempt to create a family free from drama and strife. How could she have ever believed that they were better off separate? How could she have forced her children to watch them pine for each other?
She heard the front door open then close, and then JP thunder upstairs to his bedroom.
“Hey, what are you doing in here?” Clark asked from the doorway.
She looked up and spread her hands, unable to find words.
“What happened?” He asked softly, coming to crouch in front of her. “Did something happen with Mattie?”
“You need to talk to her,” Lois said, trying to force back her own grief and guilt about the damage she had done to their family. “She thinks you can never forgive her for hurting me. She’s being so hard on herself.”
“I’ll talk to her,” he said immediately, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and stroking her cheek.
“She knows you aren’t angry. It’s not that she thinks you are upset with her. She just thinks hurting me is the one unforgivable sin in your eyes.”
“I’ll talk to her,” he promised again. “She just knows how much I love you. That doesn’t mean I can’t forgive her.”
“I know that. But she’s ten. It’s all black and white.”
Clark nodded. “I’ll go up and talk to her in just a minute.” He paused and waited for a minute. “Is there something else? Are you just upset about Mattie feeling guilty, or is there more?”
She let out a sad half laugh. “I’m just wrestling with my own guilt. She said a few things that made me realize… I don’t know. I thought I had to hurt us to protect them. I thought it was worth it, if they could come through unscathed. But I’m realizing now how much our years apart hurt her, and that’s a hard truth to swallow. I felt bad enough about the pain I caused you. Us. But hearing her talk about it through her eyes. Seeing how upset she got yesterday because she thought we might eventually split up again, it’s a hard truth to face.”
“Lois,” he said softly. “You didn’t-”
“Don’t, Clark,” she interrupted. “Don’t defend me. I needed to hear what she said. And I need to sit with it for a while. I’ll be okay. Please go talk to Mattie. I’m really worried about her.”
Clark hesitated. “I love you,” he said finally.
“I love you, too, Clark. So much.”
He stroked her cheek one more time, and then stood and turned, walking to the stairs to find their daughter. She watched him go, thankful again beyond words that he loved her enough to forgive her. That he had waited for her all those years. His forgiveness was a balm for her sharp pain of her guilt, and she hoped her daughter would listen and feel the same sweet relief.
