Saturday October 18, 2008
Lois laced up her running shoes and stretched, her foot propped on the mudroom bench. The kids were with Clark for the weekend, and she’d taken advantage of their absence by sleeping in and spending the morning lazing around the house. By lunch time she was feeling antsy, so it seemed like a good excuse for an overdue run.
She pulled out her phone to cue up her running playlist and frowned when it started to ring. Her annoyance was replaced by a flutter of nerves when the caller ID popped up on the screen.
“Hi,” she said softly.
“Hi, yourself. What are you doing? Are you busy?” His voice was warm and playful and suddenly she longed to see him.
“Just getting ready to go for a run. Why? What’s up?”
“Any chance you want to skip the run and come hit some balls with us? The kids talked me into the indoor batting cages. And I’m pretty sure you owe me a rematch.”
“I won our last bet fair and square. But I could be persuaded to make another wager,” she joked.
“I’ll take it,” he said, laughing. “Can you be ready in ten minutes? The kids are getting ready now.”
“I’m ready whenever. I was just about to walk out the door.”
“Okay, great-- what?” he asked, clearly talking to someone in the room and not to her. “Your mom. Where? Okay, I’ll ask. Sorry about that,” he said, coming back to their conversation. “Mattie says her new batting gloves are at your house. She thinks they’re in the basket in the mudroom.”
“Hold on, let me check.” Lois pulled out a basket from the bench, and sifted through scuffed up softballs, extra mitts and face shields, and various other softball and t ball accessories before finding the gloves at the bottom of the basket. “Tell her I’ve got them. And tell her I also said these belong in her softball bag and I don’t want them lost.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Clark teased. “JP! Shoes. Now. Okay, I gotta go supervise him or we’re never going to get out of here. We’ll see you in ten. Hopefully.”
“Okay, love you,” Lois said automatically.
“Love you, too,” he whispered.
Lois hung up the phone, flushed and laughing at herself. She was as giddy now as she had ever been during their early months of dating. She tugged a hoodie on over her tank top, then grabbed a water bottle from the cabinet and filled it, then tossed it in a bag with the batting gloves and her wallet.
She lurked around the front door, waiting for Clark’s truck to pull in the driveway. Once it finally did, she grabbed her bag and walked out, locking the door behind her and tossing the keys in her bag before jogging over and climbing in the passenger seat. She pulled the door shut and twisted around to face the kids in the backseat, casually resting her hand on Clark’s knee and giving it a gentle squeeze. “Hey, lovebugs!”
“Mommy!” JP cheered. “Daddy said I can try the machine today!”
“Awesome. You’re gonna do great. I can’t wait to see!”
Clark’s hand covered hers, giving it a gentle squeeze in return, and she felt herself flush with pleasure. She twisted back in her seat, removing her hand from his leg and buckling her seatbelt.
“I’m glad you could come,” he said softly as he backed out of her driveway.
“Me too.”
***
The indoor facility was busy, but not nearly as packed as it generally was during baseball season. They managed to find a couple of cages and get the kids set up. Lois watched Mattie’s stance and swing, trying to balance praise and encouragement with constructive critique. In the cage next door, Clark lobbed pitches to JP, getting him warmed up before allowing him to try the pitching machine for the first time. Clark looked up and caught her watching him, and gave her a quick wink. Lois blushed and went back to watching Mattie.
After a while, the kids grew bored and Clark gave them cash to exchange for tokens and go play the video games lined up on the far wall of the facility. Lois was packing up their bats and gloves, when she felt a familiar hand rest on her hip.
“I think I was promised a little competition,” Clark teased.
“You’ll be sorry,” she retorted, turning to face him.
“Only line drives count. First to 30?”
“No cheating,” she warned.
He raised his hands in innocence. “I would never!”
She rolled her eyes and stripped her hoodie off, revealing the form fitting tank top below.
“No fair distracting the competition,” he whispered, reaching for her waist and pulling her close.
“I’m not doing anything distracting,” she teased, eyebrows raised. “If the competition is distracted, that sounds like his problem.”
They put on their helmets and grabbed bats and entered their respective cages. It took a couple pitches for Lois to loosen up and focus, but soon she was smacking them regularly. Ten minutes later, she felt the clang of her thirtieth line drive and dropped her bat. “Done!”
“How?” Clark called with mock frustration from his cage, and Lois laughed.
She flipped off her machine and exited the cage. She leaned back against the counter behind the cages and watched as Clark hit a few more, the sleeveless shirt he was wearing highlighting every ripple of his muscles as he swung. Finally he finished and exited the cage, dropping his bat and helmet into the bag. Then he turned and approached her, placing his hands on the counter behind her, one hand on either side of her.
“You did it again. I don’t know how you do it.”
“Easy, I wait for them to come to me. You swing too soon and pull the ball.”
“I do not,” he argued good naturedly. “I know when to swing.”
“And yet, I won the bet. Again.” she gloated.
“Too bad we forgot to make a wager,” he replied.
She ran her hands down his arms, feeling them ripple under her fingers as he gripped the counter behind her. “I’m sure I can think of something,” she whispered.
He settled his hands on her waist and held her gaze for a moment, his breathing as labored as her own.
“We need to go check on the kids,” she said softly, breaking the spell.
He nodded and stepped aside, freeing her. He slung the bags over his shoulder and rested a hand on the small of her back, guiding her gently through the facility to the arcade area, where the kids were playing. They sat on the bench, closer than strictly necessary, and he rested his arm casually along the back of the bench behind her.
“How’s your research going?” he asked. “For the new article?”
She shrugged. “Fine. I’ve got a bunch of background info and a huge stack of statistics to sort through. It’s coming together, but slowly. What I really need-”
Clark’s head snapped up.
“What is it?” she asked quietly.
“Another pipe bomb.” He swore under his breath. “There are people trapped. I have to-” he stood and looked at her imploringly.
“Where are your keys?” she asked. He pulled them out of his pocket and tossed them to her. “Go ahead. I’ll text you and tell you where we are.”
“Thank you. I-”
“Go!”
Clark jogged off and she pulled her phone out of her bag and scrolled futilely for any news reports, but it was too early. She responded to a text message from Kate, checked her email, and checked the Daily Planet’s website again. This time there was a breaking news banner announcing the bombing, but no accompanying details.
“Where’s Dad?” Mattie asked, appearing in front of her.
“Oh, uh, he needed to run a couple quick errands. I told him to go ahead. I’d stay here with you and JP so you could play a few more games.”
Mattie looked at her skeptically. “We’re out of tokens,” she said finally.
Lois pulled out her wallet and gave her a twenty. “When that’s gone, why don’t we go get ice cream?” Lois asked, knowing full well she was bribing her daughter. Just a couple more weeks, she thought, willing Mattie to be patient long enough to let them explain.
Mattie disappeared back into the arcade area, and Lois scrolled aimlessly on her phone, killing time. By the time the kids reappeared, tokenless and ready to go, the Planet’s website had updated their breaking news banner: Three Injured in Bombing at Local Restaurant. A photo of Superman carrying a wounded woman from the wreckage was accompanied by a brief blurb that said all three victims were taken to the hospital in stable condition.
She shot Clark a text telling him they were headed for ice cream and giving him the vague excuse about errands she’d used on his behalf.
On the short drive, Lois was distracted, worrying about the bombing, and Mattie was quietly suspicious. Thankfully, JP was excited enough for all of them about the ice cream, and he chattered the whole way there about all the flavors he liked and which flavor he was going to choose today. By the time they arrived, Lois and Mattie were both laughing at his enthusiasm.
They had just sat down with their ice cream when Clark walked in the door. He caught her eye and nodded his silent appreciation. He slid into the booth next to her and rested a hand on her thigh, giving her a gentle squeeze. He started to retrieve his hand, but she slipped her own under the table and caught it, bringing it back to her thigh and resting her hand on top of his, stroking it gently.
“Can we go shopping for Halloween costumes after this?” Mattie asked.
“Oh, that’s a really good idea,” Lois agreed. “We only have two weeks left. This month is flying by. Are you both set on what you want to be?”
“I don’t know,” Mattie said. “I wanted to be a pop star, but now I’m not sure. I just want to see the choices.”
“Fair enough,” she answered. “JP? You still going to be a cowboy?”
“No! I’m going to be Superman!”
Lois froze.Clark’s hand gripped her thigh, and she knew he was panicking. Ten years of making sure no one ever associated their children with Superman, and now their youngest wanted to dress in his suit and parade around town.
“I don’t know, buddy,” she said slowly. “Superman is a pretty popular costume. I’m not sure if we’ll be able to find one in your size this late in the game. We might just have to see what’s available and go from there.”
“NO,” her normally easy going son responded. “I want to be Superman!”
“Okay, okay. Let’s just go to the store and see.”
They finished their ice cream and drove a few miles away to a big box store with a large costume selection. Clark was silent the whole way there and Lois’ mind was racing with ideas she could use to entice JP to choose a different costume.
The racks of costumes were front and center when they entered and the kids were drawn to them like moths to a flame. As they sorted through the myriad of options, Lois threaded her fingers through Clark’s and gave it a squeeze. “It’s going to be fine,” she murmured. “He’ll find something else. And if he doesn't…”
“He has to,” Clark insisted. “This is a hard no.”
“Is it?”
He looked at her incredulously. “Yes, Lois. It’s a hard no. I can’t believe you’re even asking that.”
“Do you have any idea how many five year old boys are going to be out trick or treating in Superman costumes?” she replied.
“I don’t care. Not our son.”
“I know why you’re upset,” she said softly. “I understand completely. But I’m not the enemy here.”
“Of course you’re not the enemy,” he said, softening his tone a little. “But I need you to be on my team here. We need to be a united front.”
“What possible reason do you propose we give for refusing to allow him to wear a Superman costume?”
“I don’t know! We’ll come up with something. Maybe they won’t have it in his size.”
Lois ran a hand through her hair. “I think we need to be careful not to make this a bigger thing than it is. Right now he’s just any little boy in Metropolis who wants to dress up as the city’s favorite hero. He’s one of thousands. If we make a big deal of refusing it -- if he tells people he wanted to be Superman for Halloween but his parents wouldn’t allow it -- that’s a far more suspicious scenario.”
Clark was quiet for a few minutes. Finally he sighed and shook his head in frustration. “I hate it when you’re right.”
“Look what Mattie found me!” JP yelled, running to them with a Superman costume in just his size.
Clark closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath before gracing him with a huge smile. “That’s awesome, buddy. You’re going to make a great Superman.”
Monday October 20, 2008
Lois watched through her office window as a gaggle of reporters and copy editors crowded around Jimmy’s desk, slapping him on the back and offering congratulations. After a month of being on edge due to the unpredictable pipe bombings, the city could finally relax. Thanks to Jimmy’s investigative work, the bomber had finally been identified: a twenty year old college dropout who had been radicalized by white supremacists over the internet. When he’d strolled into the lobby of the Metropolis Museum of Art that morning, backpack slung over his shoulder, the police and Superman had been waiting for him.
Superman had disabled the bomb. The police had taken the bomber into custody. And Jimmy was the hero of the newsroom.
Despite the small twinge of jealousy Lois felt, missing those glory days, she overflowed with pride. It seemed like just yesterday sometimes that Jimmy was the hardworking research assistant and errand boy desperately trying to prove himself as a photographer. Over the past decade he’d risen steadily through the ranks to become one of the shining stars at the Planet. Perry would have been so proud to see him today.
Lois swallowed a lump in her throat at the unbidden thought of her mentor, who was more of a father figure to her than her own had ever been. She knew the same was true for Jimmy, and she thought sometimes that losing Perry had driven the first wedge between them. She knew Jimmy had needed their support, but Perry’s death had been the first in the string of terrible losses for her and Clark that year, and she was in no position to offer solace to anyone when her whole world was just starting to crumble.
Jimmy had witnessed them at their worst as their marriage imploded, personal baggage bleeding into their working relationship. She knew he’d been caught in the crossfire more than once. And she also knew that although he might not admit it, he’d always idolized their personal relationship as well as their professional accomplishments. No one had been happier for them when their friendship grew into love, and no one had been prouder to watch them as they married and started a family. Uncle Jimmy had been a fixture in Mattie’s early life, and Lois knew that when Jimmy looked at their family, he imagined a future for himself that looked nothing like his own dysfunctional family. Watching that marriage disintegrate from a front-row seat had been devastating for him.
He had watched with trepidation as their constant fighting was replaced by Clark’s desperate attempts to save their marriage despite her steely resolution that it was too late. As usual, Clark had everyone’s sympathy and she was the villain. If she hadn’t been so entirely certain that Clark had never cast her in that role, she would have hated him for it. But he couldn’t help that it was true in this case.
When the divorce was finalized, and Clark left the Planet, Jimmy’s eyes had betrayed his fury over what he clearly saw as her betrayal. And although the years had dulled his anger toward her, their relationship was never the same.
For years, Jimmy’s revolving door of girlfriends swung so quickly they all blurred together for her, each one as gorgeous but shallow as the last. He seemed to be content to have a girl, any girl, on his arm. And when the fog of grief had begun to clear for Lois a few years back, she had begun to wonder if Jimmy was intentionally protecting his heart by refusing to let any of them get too close, and whether that too was her fault.
That had changed two years ago, when he met Claire, a kindergarten teacher who he’d interviewed while writing a series of articles on the new standardized testing metrics approved by the State Board of Education. She was beautiful in an understated way. Lovely, but different than the women he usually dated. The word that always came to mind when Lois thought of her was “sweet”. She was kind and gentle and quietly supportive. The first few times Lois met her, she hadn’t made much of an impression. But eventually it became clear that the younger woman had strong opinions and a quick wit, and Lois began to see why Jimmy couldn’t seem to let her go. They had moved in together after a year, and now they’d bought a home of their own and were obviously building a future together. She assumed an engagement was on the horizon, and was frankly a little surprised it hadn’t already happened.
Lois wasn’t sure if it was his relationship with Claire that had softened him toward her, or if his friendship with Clark gave him insight into their evolving relationship, but either way she was glad their work relationship had reached a point of friendly colleagues. And watching Jimmy celebrate this professional victory in the bullpen below, she felt something loosen within her. All of the damage to the people she loved had begun to heal, and she allowed herself to imagine a future where they all found their way back to the family they should have been.
She stood to go downstairs and congratulate him, but stopped when a blur of red and blue caught her eye. Superman floated through the open newsroom window, landing gently beside Jimmy’s desk and reaching out to shake his hand. She smiled as Jimmy scrambled to grab a reporter’s pad and pencil from his desk, and realized Clark must have come to give him an exclusive interview about the bomber’s arrest. She sat back in her chair and watched them for a few minutes, her heart tight in her chest.
She knew she should stay in her office, but she was drawn to him. Giving up her futile attempts to stay away, she picked up her coffee cup and walked down into the bullpen, ostensibly to refill it.
She stood at the coffee pot, back to Jimmy’s desk, and slowly refilled her mug. She felt him behind her before he said a word, and she worked hard to keep the smile off her face.
“Lois. Nice to see you,” he said, voice formal.
“You should not be singling me out,” she whispered in a teasing singsong tone, her back still to him.
“I can’t help it,” he whispered.
She turned to face him, a practiced polite smile on her face. “It’s good to see you too. Thank you. For this morning. We’ll all sleep better tonight without worrying where the pipe bomber will strike next.”
“I’ll sleep better too,” he said, and she could see the undercurrent of truth in his eyes. He shifted his gaze around the room, making sure no one was paying close attention to their conversation, and then dropped his voice so low she could barely hear him. “You look so beautiful today. I miss you. Have lunch with me?”
She nodded almost imperceptibly, her heart racing.
“I’ll text you,” he whispered, and she nodded again.
“You need to go,” she replied, knowing they were playing with fire. If there was anywhere in the world they needed to be careful about their interactions, it was a newsroom full of award-winning reporters who had worked side by side with them for a decade.
“It was nice to see you,” he said politely, giving her a final nod before floating back through the window.
Lois took a steadying breath, and then made her way to Jimmy’s desk. She set her coffee on his desk, planning to open her arms for a congratulatory hug, but chickened out and picked the coffee up again.
“Congratulations!” she said. “That was great work. Truly.”
He blushed and smiled, clearly thrilled with her praise. “It was nothing.”
“It wasn’t nothing. As your colleague, I’m telling you it was fantastic investigative work. As a citizen of this city and a mother, I’m telling you that we’re all grateful. A lot of people are going to sleep better tonight.”
“Thank you,” he said, and she could see how much her praise meant to him.
“I should get back to work,” she said, and he nodded and turned back to his desk. She started to walk away and then turned back.
“Hey?” she said, drawing his attention. “If you have some time this afternoon -- when you're done with the bombing piece -- do you want to sit down with me and go over some of this research for my election series? I could use someone to bounce ideas off of.”
“Sure!” he said enthusiastically, and she smiled.
“Great. I have lunch plans, but I’ll be in my office all afternoon. Just pop in whenever you have some free time.”
He nodded, and she turned to head back to her office and felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She pulled it out, already smiling. It wasn’t the text he promised. She hit the answer call button and held it to her ear. “I know I shouldn’t single you out in the newsroom like that, but I can’t help it.” he said, his voice low and thick. “I can’t resist you.”
“I should have stayed in my office,” she replied softly. “But I can’t resist you either.”
“Lunch? Please? I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”
Her heart lurched, hearing the hidden message in his words. They’d met for lunch plenty of times over the past couple of years, usually at the deli around the corner from The Daily Planet. Lunch without the kids was a good opportunity for them to discuss their ever-changing custody arrangement, school schedules, and other logistics of coparenting. In recent months they’d even met just to hang out as friends.
He wasn’t just offering lunch though. Anywhere you want to go, he’d said. She hadn’t flown with him since before JP was born, aside from one terribly awkward and heartbreaking last-ditch effort on his part to stop her from signing the divorce papers.
“Lois?”
“Yes!” she said quickly. “Yes. I don’t care where we go. I just want to be with you.”
He let out a breath of relief, and she tried not to hate herself.
“Remember that Italian place in New York?” he asked. “The one with the tiramisu you loved? It was kind of hidden away near-”
“I remember,” she said softly.
“I’ll make reservations. I’ll pick you up at noon?”
“Meet me at my car? In the parking deck?” she asked, hoping to avoid anyone they knew seeing them.
“Okay. I have to go,” he said reluctantly. “My next class starts in five minutes.”
“Okay. I’ll see you at noon.”
“Lois?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she said softly, closing her eyes when she heard the soft click of the line disconnecting.
*****
Two hours later, Lois looked through the glass wall of her office and watched as the newsroom staff crowded around the screens where an oil tanker hemorrhaged into the northern Pacific. She smiled ruefully as her phone buzzed and then a familiar flash of red and blue streaked across the screen and plunged beneath the waves.
She reached for her phone and tapped in the security code.
“I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”
Monday October 27, 2008
Lois sat on the couch in the waiting room, legs crossed, top leg jiggling nervously. Clark rested a hand on her knee soothingly, but she could tell from his ramrod straight posture and the set of his jaw that he was nervous too.
“It’s so weird being back here,” she said finally.
Clark nodded in agreement. “Hey, do you want the kids on Wednesday and/or Thursday this week? Since I’ll have them most of next week while my mom is here?”
“Not Thursday,” Lois said immediately. “I’m shadowing Devonte all day. I’ll be working late for sure. But Wednesday maybe? You could come for dinner?”
He smiled at her, and she felt some of her nerves melt away. “You’re not just trying to get out of cooking, are you?” he teased.
“Hey, I never said anything about you cooking. But if you’re offering…”
He laughed and she reached up to stroke his cheek, just as the door to the inner office opened and Dr. Booker walked out with another couple. They left quickly, obviously upset, and Lois tried not to think about all the times she’d fled this office in tears.
Dr. Booker spoke briefly to the receptionist and then turned to face them. “Come on in,'' she said, gesturing to the door.
They stood, and Clark reached for her hand, threading their fingers together. They walked into the office, and Lois saw it hadn’t changed much in three years. The walls were still a soothing sage green with large naturescape paintings. A water fountain burbled in one corner, and a familiar yellow legal pad lay in the armchair where the doctor always sat. Opposite the chair was a loveseat and another matching armchair. They sat together on the love seat, hands still linked.
Dr. Booker sat in the chair opposite them. She was slightly older than they were, her dark hair threaded generously with silver and pulled back into a sleek bun. She wore a well-tailored gray pantsuit over a cheerful orange blouse and reading glasses that she tended to perch on her head when she wasn’t writing or consulting her notes.
She sat in her chair, nodded at their linked hands, and smiled encouragingly. “I have to say, this is a pleasant surprise. I assume we’re not here today just to talk about co-parenting issues?”
Lois felt herself flush and found herself uncharacteristically tongue tied.
Clark squeezed her hand. “Our relationship has…evolved recently,” he said. “We thought it would be a good idea to check in and make sure we’re being proactive about communicating and…” he trailed off, obviously unsure how to end that sentence.
“Why don’t you just start by filling me in briefly on the past couple of years,” she encouraged. “When did this evolution occur?”
“It was a gradual change,” Lois offered. “I think the last time we were here together was about six months after the divorce was finalized. Just to talk about general co-parenting issues. And I came on my own for another six months or so.”
Dr. Booker consulted her notes and nodded.
“Things have evolved naturally over the last three years since then,” Clark continued. “We built on what we did here and worked hard to create a healthy family for our kids. That meant a lot of time spent together. We continued to switch custody every two or three days, attended all their school functions and extra curricular activities together, etc.”
“Over time, it became easier,” Lois added. “And then we found our way back to being friends, best friends. Over the last year or so, everything got blurry.”
Dr. Booker nodded. “Blurry. Say more about that.”
“We started talking more and more about things that had nothing to do with the kids,” Lois continued. “We started spending more time together than was strictly necessary. And...we started being more physically affectionate - touching and flirting.”
“And did you discuss this as it was happening?” the doctor asked.
Lois shook her head. “I’d like to say it just snuck up on us. But if I’m being totally honest, I know I was scared to discuss it. Like if I pointed it out, it would shrivel up and disappear.”
“I was definitely hesitant to push, or even discuss it really,” Clark agreed. “I…We all know I never wanted this divorce. That hasn’t changed. I was scared that if I drew attention to what was happening, she’d panic and run.”
“We were friends and partners for a long time before we fell in love,” Lois added. “This felt like that time. When we were just friends, but something more was building.”
“That’s not exactly-“ Clark started to disagree, and then stopped.
“Clark?” the doctor prodded. “Do you disagree with this analysis?”
“No,” he said cautiously. “Not exactly. We were absolutely friends and partners for years before we started dating. But my feelings were never platonic. I’ve been in love with Lois since we met.”
She squeezed his hand, swallowing the lump in her throat.
“It sounds like maybe these two times were similar though,” Dr. Booker interjected. “If you’re saying that this time also you were already in love and were hoping to find your way back to a romantic relationship while Lois was still figuring out what she wanted.”
“That’s fair,” Clark agreed
“I never stopped loving Clark,” Lois interjected. “I always wanted to be with him. What happened between us five years ago had nothing to do with a lack of love. And what happened this year was not about falling back in love.”
Dr. Booker raised an eyebrow and made a note on her pad. “What do you think it was about?”
“The divorce? Or this year?”
“Either? Both?”
Lois sighed. “You know what caused the divorce. We were both grieving and that grief triggered all sorts of unresolved trauma. We were at odds with each other. We were fighting and… you know.”
Dr. Booker nodded and waited for her to continue.
“This year…wasn’t about falling in love. It was about trusting. Trusting that we could get back to who we were before without the fighting. That we could go beyond just following scripts for healthy communication and continue to treat each other with kindness and respect when we had conflict.”
“And have you had conflict?” the doctor asked, looking from Lois to Clark and back.
“We, uh, yeah,” Clark confirmed. “We’ve had a few minor disagreements over the last year or so about parenting issues or whatever. And we’ve had a number of serious conflicts about the status of our relationship over the last month or so particularly.”
“What kind of conflicts?”
“The kind where Clark calls me out repeatedly for wanting all the benefits of being in a relationship without actually committing to a relationship.”
“That’s not what I-” Clark started to defend himself and then looked up and saw the laughter in her eyes.
“I believe you accused me of wanting to play house?” Lois teased, and Clark rolled his eyes good naturedly.
“Things were…very blurry,” Clark told the doctor, borrowing Lois’ description. “I was eager to define them. She wasn’t. I might have pushed a bit.”
“I needed a push,” Lois interjected. “He was right to call me out.”
“And how did you work through that conflict?”
“We argued. We took a break. He brought me flowers and apologized. I apologized. We tried again. It…wasn’t the crisis I thought it would be.” Lois smiled and gave a self-deprecating shrug.
Dr. Booker gave them a genuine smile. “That sounds really positive. So, now that we’re caught up, tell me why you are here. It seems like things are going well. What concerns do you have? How can I help you?
They both hesitated, looking to each other.
“I think,” Lois began. “We are really concerned with what comes next. We discussed taking it slow, but I don’t think either of us knows what that looks like in a relationship like this.”
“I feel paralyzed,” Clark confessed suddenly. Lois turned to look at him, surprised. “I feel like we’re standing on a precipice. And I’m so close to getting what I’ve wanted for five years. I know I need to give her space and let her make this decision on her own, but I’m… I’m really concerned that I’m going to push too hard and try to force her to do something she’s not ready for, and that’s just going to confirm her fear that we can’t do this, and she’s going to bolt. But the other option is not to push at all. And if I don’t push, she’ll retreat. And then I’m just...stuck. I don't know how to push without PUSHING.”
Lois shifted in her seat, talking directly to Clark. “That’s not- You aren’t pushing too hard. I’m not worried about you trying to control me. I trust you.”
“But you are concerned that we can’t do this,” he countered, slipping his hand from hers and running through his hair nervously. “That’s why you want to go slow. We have to go slow in case it doesn’t work, so we can back out. We can’t tell the kids because we need to make sure we can do this before we involve them. When you say that, it scares me. I’m scared you have one foot out the door already. I’m scared you want to be able to say we tried again, but I’m not sure you really want to try. I’m scared you’re just waiting for this to fail.”
Lois inhaled sharply. “That’s not fair. I’m here right now. I’m trying. But it’s also true that we have done this before. And all the love in the world didn’t mean we could make it work back then. We have children to think about. It would be foolish to just assume it’s going to magically be different this time and then repeat history. I can’t just ignore that.”
“But things ARE different now. And you know it. The people we were five years ago, that’s not who we are now.”
“I know that. That’s why I’m here.”
They both stopped, at an impasse.
Dr. Booker cleared her throat. “Lois, can you tell me what exactly you’re worried about? What makes you think you need to move slowly? You said you trust Clark, and that you don’t worry about him trying to control you. You said you’ve worked through conflict recently and that it wasn’t as bad as you expected. What is it that’s holding you back?”
“I- I don’t know. I just know it feels risky. I’m scared it won’t work, and it’s going to hurt too much to survive this time.”
The doctor was quiet for a moment, making a few notes. Finally, she looked up and asked, “Is it possible that a part of you is worried that it WILL work?”
“Excuse me?” she asked, suddenly suspicious. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Are you familiar with the sunk cost fallacy?”
Lois nodded slowly. “Sure, it’s what keeps people investing in something with poor returns. Day trading. Gambling. Pyramid schemes, etc. It’s the belief that if you quit when you are down, it’s all wasted, so you have to keep investing until you get the ROI. And then they go broke.”
“Exactly. Though, to be clear it’s not a belief system. It’s a logical fallacy. People rarely engage in this intentionally.”
“I don’t understand what this has to do with our relationship,” she said shortly, uninterested in parsing belief systems and logical fallacies.
“We see the sunk cost fallacy in relationships more than you would think. Usually I see it in people who are truly incompatible. They would be much happier if they just accepted that they were not ever a good match or that they have grown apart so much that there really is no common ground for them to find. But because they are married, or because they’ve been together for a certain number of years, they continue to invest time and energy into the relationship because in their eyes, if they call it quits, all those years will be wasted. What I try to help those couples see, is that those years are gone no matter what happens with their relationship moving forward. The decisions they make about their future should be based on the present and the future. Who they are now, and what they want. Not based on how much they have already invested into their relationship.”
Lois nodded slowly. This line of reasoning made sense, though she still couldn’t understand how it applied to them.
“It’s more rare to see this play out in reverse,” she continued slowly. “But I think it’s worth considering whether you are placing an undo amount of focus on your justification for the divorce, and your fear that you’ll follow in those footsteps again, given that the circumstances seem to have changed dramatically. If it turns out that you are, in fact, capable of a healthy relationship with Clark, after five years of insisting that you weren’t, how are you going to feel about your decision to go through with the divorce and to stay divorced for four years? And is the fear of confronting those feelings making you reluctant to put your full faith in this reconciliation? I’d like you just to consider that. Sit with it for awhile and see if there’s any truth to it. And I also want you to think about what you want your future to look like without factoring in your past. Based solely on your present.”
Lois took a deep breath. She could feel herself retreating and shutting down, a reaction she’d spent years in therapy trying to unlearn. She struggled to continue listening.
“Just think of it as a homework exercise. Both of you,” Dr. Booker continued. “Don’t worry about the sunk cost or your history together. Think about maybe just this past year and the present. If everything else was erased, and you were just basing your current decisions on this year, what would you want? How fast would you want to move? What would your relationship look like?”
She nodded, and she could see Clark doing the same.
“I don’t have one foot out the door,” she said softly after a brief lull in the conversation. She was unable to let that comment go and knew they needed to address it.
“I didn’t say that to hurt you,” Clark said, turning to face her again. “I was trying to explain my fear. It wasn’t an accusation. I’m not saying it’s true. And if it is true, I definitely don’t think you're doing it consciously. It’s my own fear. I’m scared that you have one foot out the door. I’m scared that this is my only chance, and if you don’t really truly give it a fair chance, I’ll never… I’m just scared.”
She felt the tension bleed out of her at his vulnerable confession, and her shoulders relaxed. Clark reached out and cupped her cheek, and she leaned into his hand, looking up to meet his gaze. “We’re okay,” she said softly. “I’m trying.”
“I know.”
They both turned and looked at Dr. Booker, who nodded at them approvingly. “This was a lot today. Good work.Think about what I said, and I’ll see you back in two weeks?”
