Patrick, I really, really like your take on this. As you probably know, I have no problem with stories that are not strictly LNC:TNAOS canon. But whether this is canon or not, I think Lois's character here is very much in line with what we saw on the TV show. I just love her babbling! You really make it sound like a chaotic inner monologue, spoken out loud.
And I love Lois's ambivalence, the way she is alternately blaming Clark for apparently ignoring his son completely and alternately putting the blame on herself for driving him away. That's exactly the way she would feel, I think. She would certainly obsess about Clark's absence. And she would not be proud of the way Jon was conceived and the things she said to Clark afterwards, which explains why she would not contact the Kents.
By the way, I love the way you show us Mad Dog Lane trying to control herself by counting before she explodes:
Another part of her was still holding Mad Dog Lane down , still counting "111, 112, 113, 114,115"
(There are a few typos and little things here, Patrick, so it might be a good thing to have your text beta read. Your story deserves it.)
I also love the way you make us see so clearly that Jon really is Clark's son! Rachel Harris was so right when she could see the Kent charm in the ten-year-old boy. The sort of amused tenderness he shows for his mother... I love it!
I also adored the conversation between Lois and Jon about his "grandparents", and the way Jon would naturally misunderstand Lois and ask her about Sam Lane's latest mistress. And how Lois would go completely blank, having no idea which "Helen" Jon might be talking about. And then, Lois finally manages to tell Jon that he is going to meet his paternal grandparents, his father's parents. And Jon, naturally wiggly and bouncy like so many ten-year-olds, would go completely still.
This is great, Patrick! Just don't keep us waiting for part six as long as we had to wait for part five, you hear?
Ann