Lois Lane was stewing in misery. He had been back for an entire week, and
she hadn't heard from him. Not even once. It's not like he should call -
why should he call? Really - why have I given him a reason to call? He
probably thinks that I'm happier when he's not around. Once, that was
actually true... but now, I miss him. How strange is that? I miss - God...
not the fear, but the times when the fear isn't there, and I'm comfortable
in his presence. At those times, I just feel really good. Like all is well
in the world. I wonder if he makes everyone feel that way, or if it really
is the result of some bizarre destiny thing between us.
Frustrated, she looked down at the morning paper, and saw his face, caught
in a moment of unrehearsed happiness. He was smiling. It was a beautiful
smile, completely unlike any smile his doppelganger had ever wore, and he
was looking down at an incredibly beautiful and renowned model named
Carissa. Just look at her. Miss I can't be older than 22, Carissa,
no-last-name. She can have any guy in the world, so why does she have to
snag the one guy that... whoa there... that what? Why is this eating me up-
because I have to admit... it is eating me up. It's killing me. If Kal had
ever lost interest in me, I'd be overjoyed, even if it meant the end of my
life were near. I just lived for that time - when he would move on to some
other obsession. This is different. Appearances aside, he's nothing like
Kal - he's a really great person... a nice guy. And... he's probably the
one man I was supposed to be with. If he hooks up with her, what will my
life be like?
Well - I guess, it'll be like it would be if he stayed unattached... it's
not like there can be anything between us - right? When it all comes down
to it, the idea of ever becoming close with him, in that way - well - it's
still a nightmarish thought. So how can I expect him to not go attaching
himself - even if he thinks I'm supposed to be the one, he knows, by my
behavior, how impossible we are. I'm still upset about it though - and I
don't know how to stop being upset about it. At the very least, I wish he'd
call - I just want to talk to him. God - to even see him. I miss his face.
Now that's frightening. I miss his face, when he's smiling at me, and
looking at me with those kind eyes. That's what I miss. It's even worth
those initial feelings of panic and oppression.
She blew out a frustrated breath. God - the way he's smiling at her...
it's like she's the only one in the world. He gave me a smile like that -
does he just smile like that normally? Did I see more in it than was really
there? A feeling of being special and important to him? Was that just part
of his charm? The worse part is - today is my anniversary back from the
dead. You think that would warrant a phone call. On perfect cue with
these bitter thoughts came the ringing of her phone. She ran to the phone,
tripping along the way, and suppressed the urge to curse angrily as she
gasped, almost frantically into the phone, "Hello?"
A few minutes later, she dejectedly hung up the phone. Well - it was
nice of Perry to call. It was nice of him to remember. But darn it - he's
not who I wanted to call. For Pete’s sake. Just look at me. I'm falling
apart here, over a man I used to hate, loathe, despise. And I should be
kissing the ground in gratitude for being here, instead of that hateful and
despicable place. Once, I thought that all I needed to be happy was to be
free of my enslavement, but how soon we start to expect more. Like hearing
from people who claim to be friends with us. I know he's busy, but he could
at least take the time to pick up the damn phone. Arrrgh! Obsessing again.
I feel empty - frustrated and... this yearning -this need for something
more in my life. I feel like crying for a hundred years, and eating a
hundred gallons of ice cream. Everything is just so.. unsatisfactory. And
it should be glorious - I should be happy with what I have? But I’m not.
I'm sick of myself. My clothes. My life. My fears. I just want... dear god.
I want Clark. Not sexually - I don’t know if I’ll ever want that. But I
want him to NOT be someone else’s man either. I want ... I want him to
call, and to hear that smile in his voice, and to know that it's all for
me, and only for me. But I can't have that - not without the other. How
long would he accept this kind of passionless friendship - why would he
chose to give up dating for the chance to spend time with the amazing
frigid woman. Not even frigid - terrified. Panic-stricken.
Agitatedly, she went back to her newspaper, and looked at the picture
again. She stared it at it in annoyance for a few moments longer, and then
dropped the paper to the table emphatically. I will NOT obsess. But why
hasn't he called? He said we were friends, or at least.. starting to be
friends. And he... he loved her, didn't he? So wouldn't you think he'd want
to at least talk to me, once in a while, seeing as how I’m her
doppelganger? Oh - god -maybe that's it. The stark difference between who
she is, and who I am. How she reacted with him - no doubt she was
friendly at the get-go, friendly, warm, inviting. Just how far did their
relationship get, anyway. Maybe in her mind, it wouldn't be cheating, if
she - nah... if she's anything like me, it would have been cheating.
But - so different. I've done little more than revile him and spaz out on
him. One or two decent encounters doesn't overcome that. He probably stayed
away as long as he did to avoid seeing me. He probably needed a vacation
from me. And anyway... he's hot property. Everyone on the a-list wants a
piece of his time, and I'd be a fool to think I rated anywhere ahead of all
that. I mean - just look at those women. I'll admit, at one time, I was no
slouch myself. I know I’ve had beauty, and brains... but it looks like the
good fairies neglected to give me a healthy dose of sensuality.
What good are looks if the equipment is faulty. Isn't that how they all
felt? All those federal disasters? I just never could get enthusiastic
about it - and now- I’m horrified by it. And my beauty? Gone. I'm this
skinny, pale, glum shadow of who I used to be. I mean - the least I could
do, on my end, is try to look better... get a haircut, start trying to
dress in an appealing manner again... but wouldn't that get me attention
from other men? I don’t want to be noticed, really - not by anyone - except
for him... I want him to want to be with me... to crave my company, my
presence... and to be... what, Galahad to my virgin-princess? No, I guess I
don't ask for much. I want it all - want the most eligible bachelor in the
entire world to be at my beck and call, and mine only- but I have nothing
to give in return. I need to forget about all this, and move on.
He should find someone else. Someone warm, loving, passionate - someone who
can be for him what a woman should be for the man she’s with. A willing and
joyous partner - in all areas of life. That could never be me. He'll find
someone - and I’ll get to watch it all, from my little empty life. Damn,
Kal and Tempus for the legacy they've left me. They ruined my life. I might
be out of Kal’s grasp, but I never will truly be free.
Okay. So I’ve accepted it. I'll never have him. But... can't I call him? I
mean - we are friends... and maybe talking to him - maybe that is all I
need to lift up my spirits. It's worth a shot, and hey- what do I really
have to lose? He's probably not home anyway - why would he be? He did tell
me to call at any time... but did he mean, if I was in danger, or did he
mean -just any time? God - I want to call, but I don't want to hear him be
amazed at my calling - I don't want to hear 'Why are you calling me' in his
voice. I want him to be happy to hear from me. And I don't know if he will
be.
She picked up the phone, and stared at it for a long time. And then she
keyed in his number, which she had memorized. Taking another long time to
ponder whether or not she should hit the 'on' button, she finally decided
to go for it. Squeezing her eyes shut, she hit the button, feeling her
heart and stomach clench in nervous response.
He picked up on the first ring, and she hung up the phone in terror. He
wasn't supposed to be home!!! A few seconds later, she was cursing
herself for being so stupid. God, he has caller ID, I'm sure of it - so
he knows it was me. Damn those engineers who designed caller ID. Don’t they
know that they've screwed up teenage daters everywhere? It's part of dating
history to hastily hang up the phone in fear, after calling someone you
really like. Oh god- do I really like him? DO I love him? I don't know - I
just don’t know... but I better call him back, because he's sure to think
I'm in trouble. But now I have a reason to call back. To explain that I’m
not in trouble. I'll tell him I dialed him by mistake.
She quickly hit redial, and tried to will her heart to stop racing, as she
heard the sequence of beeps as the phone dialed his number. Stay calm.
Stay calm.
"Hello? Lois - this is you, right? Are you okay?"
As expected. He's worried.
Her heart beating fast in her chest, she closed her eyes a few seconds to
regain composure.
"Clark. Hi!" She was trying to affect casual cheer, but she knew she came
across shrill. Damn! I wish I could just hit the erase button. On
life!
"Lois. Hi! It's great to hear your voice! Is everything okay - did you just
call - "
"Yea - sorry - fumble fingers."
"Oh - yeah. No problem. So how are you? It's been a long time since we
talked."
"Not since Perry's office!" Oh god. Act like an idiot, why don't you.
Let him know that you know how many days it's been since you last saw each
other. "You've been a bit busy, haven't you," she said, wincing at the
stupidity of what she had said.
"Busy. Yes - definitely. But hopefully all that is settling down. I’m home,
and glad to be home."
"Home was just a few minuets a way for you - right? No matter where you
were?" He's going to take this as nagging! I should just shut my
mouth.
"Yeah - but there's a lot to be said for knowing that you're home to stay.
I didn't really have a lot of time anyway - it's really been busy." I
was trying to give you some space. And me - some space - from the way I
feel around you. It hurts, and sometimes I think I’m going to just blurt
out how I feel ... and frighten you into fleeing as far away as possible.
Last thing you need to know is that your tormenter's identical doppelganger
has the hots for you.
"Oh."
There was a sudden silence, and she scoured her brain for something
intelligent to say.
"So - um, what's up? Any particular reason for calling?" You couldn’t
have missed me.
"I... I just wanted to. It's been a long time since we talked. I - " She
stopped, unable to say the words. I missed you.
Oh my god. She did miss me! His heart sang. "Oh!" Okay. Score
one for the conversationalist.
"Uh. Is that weird?" The question slipped past her before she could control
it. All she could do was wait nervously for his answer.
"A bit." Now why the hell did I say that?
"O - oh. Oh - yeah. I guess it is. Weird. I'm sorry… I shouldn't have - "
"No - no - no! It’s good weird - I - I'm sorry!" His voice was urgent.
Stop sounding like you're yelling at her. You're going to remind her of
Kal again. Remember Kal? Your identical... twin, practically? Evil and
sadistic bastard who made her life a living hell for three years?
"Oh! Good. Good weird. You didn't expect to hear from me?"
"Expect? Not really- but - yeah - I did hope you would call. Um, I actually
wanted to call you - " Easy there boy. "but, I didn't know if you'd
welcome that, and I didn't want you to think I was - well - harassing you,
like Luthor was doing.[/I]
"You are nothing like Luthor," she exclaimed hotly. "Please. The man's a
psycho lunatic, and a stalker to boot."
"Has he- has he bothered you at all? I swear, I kept an open... well -mind,
and ear- out for you... I was ready to come help if you needed it. I hope
you know that."
"No. No -he's been blissfully dormant."
"Good. Good. but -well -a quiet Luthor could also be a Luthor who's up to
something."
"Don't worry. My guard is hardly let down."
"No -I didn't imagine it would be. Not after that creepy stunt he pulled."
"I -maybe he's bugged my apartment again -how would I Know? I should have
the experts check again for me."
"I can check for you. With my enhanced hearing and sight. If you want, that
is," great. Remind hero f your super-powers.
"Actually... that would be great. If you wouldn't mind."
"When could you come over?" She felt her stomach clench - the idea of his
coming over with both exciting and terrifying. She wanted it, but feared
the panic reaction that would inevitably beset her when she saw him.
"When's good for you." My God! She's inviting me over! But calm
yourself. It's just to help her out - this isn't a date.
"Uh... now?"
"Okay -I'll be right over!" He hung up the phone, and set out for her
place.
She stood staring at the phone in disbelief. No! I'm not ready yet! I
haven't even showered! Oh damn - oh rats - he's here!
She felt her palms start sweating, and her heart increased, as she heard
the knock on her balcony door. She turned, almost fearfully, and saw him
floating there. Resigned to appearing in front of him in her flannel
pajamas, she went over and opened the door, trying not to look too closely
at him. She needed to ease into seeing him, so the panic wouldn't overcome
her so sharply
"You're... you didn't mean right now, did you? You meant - in then
neighborhood of 20-30 minutes from now." His voice was apologetic. "You
know - I can come back - "
"You’re here. It's okay. Really." She looked up at him, daringly, and
waited for the attack to happen.
It didn't happen.
He didn't seem so frightening or forbidding, and she wasn't sure if he was
deliberately trying to project Clark vibes, or if she was becoming more
accustomed to seeing him like that.
"Hi." He was struck speechless - just looking into her eyes made him feel
like he was in a dream. And she wasn't reacting in terror, which was too
good to be true.
"Hi," she said, breathlessly. Why am I breathless? And is it
obvious? "Uh - I won’t be long. Okay? I'm just going to ... uh - if
it's okay.. shower, and then change?"
Okay? You're going to take off al your clothes, and then get wet, just
beyond that little door there? Oh sure. No problem -no problem at all.
Well. I definitely had better get out of this suit. It sure doesn't leave
much to the imagination, and while I seem to have managed by some amazing
stroke of luck to not terrify the hell out of her, I am sure that the sight
of an aroused... me... will do the trick.
"No problem at all, Lois."
Okay. Remember. No peeking. " Okay. Remember. No peeking!"
Oh my god. I really said that out loud? What the hell is wrong with
me?
He looked at her in shock. "God, no. I would never ever ever do that. I
hope you know - oh... you were kidding." He grinned at her, in relief.
"I know. I don't joke around much... so it's hard to really know if I’m
kidding or serious."
"Well… I promise –no peeking of any sort- so go on." Idiot. That
sounded like an order. "Uh - that is - if you - if you want to."
She went into her room, closed the door, and started to strip down. She
glanced uneasily up at the door, and decided that regardless of what he had
said, she should probably not tempt fate that way. She moved into the
bathroom and completed disrobing there. As the water hit her body, she
started to mentally review all that she had said since she first picked up
the phone. I've really made a mess of things. I'm such spaz. He thinks
I'm a spaz. I’m sure he does. I am a spaz. No doubt about it. The good
thing is, it's in keeping with my behavior up until now, so it's not like
he expected any differently.
She took a very short shower, and then quickly dried off and threw on some
clothes. She picked clothes that were casual, yet well fitting, so she
didn't look like a drudge. Not too sexy. But not too neuter, either.
She came out of the room, and before she could stop herself, gasped loudly
and staggered back a few steps in utter panic. He had used this time to
switch into his street clothes, only he was clad entirely in black. Dressed
thusly, he reminded her more potently of Kal than he ever had done, except
in those brief times where she had seen him show anger. Her eyes were wide
and frightened, and she just stared, wordlessly at him, unable to even
think of modulating her response.
He was equally as startled as she by her response. What did I do? He
cast his eyes down very quickly to make sure that he was, indeed, wearing
clothes, and that he wasn't showing any obvious signs of arousal, and he
came up with no answers.
"Lois? My god - what is it? Is - is it me? What - what did I do?"
His anxious questioning penetrated her panic a bit, as she dimly became
aware that he was asking a question that she once used to ask - What did
I do? How have I made you so angry? Whatever I did – I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
Please! It was a question she had soon learned to not ask - she quickly
realized that Kal enjoyed hurting her, and didn't need a reason to do it.
Thoughts of Kal, and his punishments made her feel sick with worry.
Suddenly she felt tense and trapped. The room seemed much smaller now. She
wished she could just disappear.
"Lois... what - what is - " He stopped, as he remembered suddenly, the
figure in her dreams. Kal. Clad entirely in black, and he was bitterly
aware of what was causing her fear. "Damn it!" He was frustrated and angry
with myself. "Of all the stupid - " He stopped berating himself when he saw
her panic increase.
"I - I - I - I'm sorry. Please - I'm sorry - I - I - I'm sorry. I - I
should be over it - I know - I -"
"Oh -no - not what I meant," he said intensely, feeling horribly bad that
she had assumed his anger was meant for her. "Please - I just feel - like a
jerk, and a ... lunkhead, I guess -for ... I should have known. Remembered.
I'm sorry." His voice was anxious and urgent.
His words halted her own fear, and she looked into his eyes, confused.
"How could you - remembered what?"
"Lois... I ... I've seen Lord Kal."
"You - how ... you didn't go there, did you? You couldn't have - that
doesn't make sense... you - "
"In your mind. When you first came back. You had a bad dream, and I’m
afraid that I - I... I thought you were in trouble, I flew around looking
for you, but finally figured out it was in your mind.... and... I did
something I'm not terribly proud of... I kind of ... invaded your thoughts
without your permission - or your knowledge ..."
"You - you were the one - the mystery voice - you helped me overcome it.
The bad dream." she was reeling. At first, his confession terrified her,
but looking at the nervous and regretful expression on his face, she
realized that he really had done it because he was worried about her.
"Are... are you mad? I wouldn't blame you if you were - but- I ... I'm
sorry."
"Clark ... I - I don't think I’m upset by it. Certainly not mad. And not...
even menaced by it, really. You thought you were helping me. That's - it
must have been hard for you to do that."
"It was. I felt horrible about it... because I knew that you wouldn't
welcome it - but... I was afraid you ... well, now, it seems stupid. You
would have been fine, but at the time... I wasn't so sure."
"Have you done it again, at all?"
"No. Most definitely no. I pick up on your broadcasts, but I never ever go
into your mind. It seems... a viol - uh ... an ill-mannered thing to do."
"It can be a violation," she said quietly, using the word he had stopped
himself from using. "And he often used it in that way. But you
meant well, and I didn’t feel violated by you. You gave me strength and
courage. I needed that. So thank you."
"Oh... well - you're welcome, of course... "
She inhaled deeply. "I - I’m sorry I freaked out on you."
"I'm sorry I gave you cause. Look - I can go back home and change..."
"No - no. No. It's okay. I'm okay with it. Really." SO long as you don't
look, move, act, or inadvertently sound like Kal.
He looked at her dubiously for a few seconds, and then looked around the
apartment. "I don't see any bugs here.. want me to check - " he gestured in
the other room - the bedroom.
"If... if you don’t mind." Should I go with him? Into the bedroom?
She quailed at the thought.
"I'll just go in and check - I won't be more than a few seconds."
Thank you. She knew that he was aware of her aversion to going into
the bedroom with him, and felt a sudden burst of gratitude at his
sensitivity. While he was gone, she pondered glumly the blatant
impossibility of anything between them. How can I even think of having
some kind of exclusive 'friendship' with someone who frightens me depending
on what he's wearing?
"There’s nothing in there."
His voice made her jump, and she turned around to face him, quickly. "Oh -
oh good! Thank you- thank you so much."
"Okay then... well - I'm sure you have things to do," he started nervously.
I want to stay here. With you. Talk to you. Be with you. Just look at
you. But what's my premise for staying?
"Please... don't go. Let me get you coffee - lets catch up. Unless you're -
you must be busy - "
"No - not busy at all. Coffee sounds good - but let me make it."
"Clark," she said sternly, "Are you afraid to try my coffee?"
"No - no - of course not - "
"Then let me make it."
"But... I don't want you to... " Serve me. Service me.
"I'm okay, Clark. Really. You don't have to... bend over backwards to
avoid... having me do anything for you. You don't have to append please to
everything you ask... I'm okay. Intellectually I know you aren't him.[/I]
He looked at her for a suspended moment, and then he nodded. "Okay."
"Good. Glad we understand each other." Did I really just... tell him
off?
"Absolutely. As... as long as we are understanding each other..."
"Go ahead..."
"I wanted to wish you... a happy anniversary ... I'm well aware that today
marks your one year back in this world. And - I just wanted to say that to
you."
She looked down. "Wow. You... you remember. Did Perry tell you?"
"I told him," his voice was slightly indignant.
She quirked a smile. "He forgot to mention that little fact."
"It figures," he smiled back, relieved for the lighthearted moment.
"Uh... can I ask you something?"
"Sure. Anything."
"Did... did you see me at all, that day? What can you tell me about it? The
part before I woke up at the hotel?"
[tbc]
