Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic FILK: Lex on Life

...So, I get back from a wonderful eight-day trip to the States for my brother's wedding with just the hubby, no kids... and come down with a really miserable bout of flu. High fever, coughing, shivering under three quilts for four days straight flu. Not exactly conducive to hopping online to discover who won the Kerths, much less posting this much-delayed filk!

But then I do totter over to the computer when I'm feeling a bit better, and check my e-mail -- and find an absolutely wonderful FDK note from Doranwen.

So, thanks to Doranwen, here's my promised filk, not quite in honor of the Kerths this time: Lex on Life.

A short note of explanation is in order, I think. Unlike my other filks, this one includes stage directions to give the reader the full effect. Please note that most of the names mentioned in the stage directions are taken from scripts, not the actual episodes. If any of those names changed, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know.

I told Kaethel and Sara and other Lex-fans that this one would make up for Just You Wait, Lexy Luthor! However, in fairness to Phil and others of like mind, I have included a final, optional bit of direction at the very end. Feel free to vote for your preferred ending in the FDK folder! cue music!

To the tune of "Just a Spoonful of Sugar" from Walt Disney's Mary Poppins


Lex on Life


(Lex strolls onto the stage, debonair in an impeccable suit of exquisite taste, holding an unlit cigar in one hand.)

Lex, in the tone of a patient lecturer: In every battle to be won, there is a foe to overcome.

(He stretches out a langid hand. The mayor of Metropolis rushes onstage, fumbling with a lighter.)

Lex: You crush the foe, and… snap! The war's a game!

(The cigar flares into life, and Lex draws deeply before blowing a cloud of smoke toward the rapidly-retreating mayor.)

Lex, starting to sing now: And every task I undertake
I make my victims quake...
With great design
Metropolis is miiiine!

Just... a... small bit of Kryptonite to make Superman go down,
Superman go dowwwn,
Superman go down,
Just a small bit of Kryptonite to make Superman go down, in a most delightful way!

(Miranda flounces onstage from the right, waving a perfume atomizer about. She is flanked by Toni Baines and Toni Taylor, who look equally petulant. Lex barely glances at Miranda as she comes up behind him and starts pumping vigorously with the atomizer. The two Tonis remain slightly behind Miranda, acting as a peevish Greek chorus in gestures.

Meanwhile, from stage left, several worried-looking men shuffle in: Max Menken of the illegal boxers in RFaS, Dr. Edward Sayer of the heat wave in MoSB, Peter Roarke of the tidal wave in HiM, Dr. Fabian Leek of Vatman, Devane of BatP who tried to sell the Kryptonite, and Jack in prison uniform. Nigel materializes silently behind them, his face utterly deadpan even as he strokes the silenced automatic in his hand.)

Lex: A robber baron at his best
Takes on challenges with zest
While fleecing every victim he can find

(Miranda, frustrated, has unscrewed the atomizer and is pouring its contents over Lex's curls. He rolls his eyes and crooks a finger offstage. Even as he continues to sing, a dozen of Metropolis' finest scurry onstage to cuff Miranda and the Tonis and drag them bodily away. The women's howls of protests are slightly muffled, allowing Lex's voice to be heard clearly.

Nigel, meanwhile, has released the safety on his automatic and has started shooting Lex's male victims. With his usual good timing, he arranges for each body to collapse in time to Lex's song. Only Jack dives directly into the audience and escapes immediate death.)

Lex: While still intent upon his goal (THUD! from the first body)
Of ruling those in his control (THUD! number two)
He pays (THUD!) no mind (THUD!)
To scapegoats left behind... (THUD!)

(Miranda's and the Tonis' last screams of protest die away, and Lex flashes his boyish grin at the audience as he continues:)

Lex: Just... a... handful of Kryptonite to make Superman go down,
Superman go dowwwn,
Superman go down,
Just a handful of Kryptonite to make Superman go down,
In a most delightful way!

(During this last chorus, the Smart Kids, pig in tow, peer cautiously onto stage, then hastily retreat. Monique and Jules of NB take a few steps onstage, spy Nigel and his automatic, and discreetly retire as quickly as possible.)

Lex: The lovely money and the power that I wangle and I wield
Are best employed at crushing all dissent

(Mrs. Cox panthers on to the stage at this point, dressed in a longish jacket and fishnet stockings. Her Kryptonite pendant shows clearly in her plunging cleavage. She hands Lex two cummerbunds, one white and one black. Nigel produces an axe from somewhere in his jacket, and Mrs. Cox takes it from him.)

Lex: So with one hand I'll wed a bride
While brushing Superman aside
One dead (one dead!), one tame (one tame!),
Once more I've won the game!

(Lex drapes the two cummberbunds around his neck and takes the axe from Mrs. Cox, handing her his cigar in return. He gives the axe a loving pat and begins to stroll offstage. Mrs. Cox and Nigel exit on the opposite side as Lex continues to sing:)

Lex: Just... a... cageful of Kryptonite to make Superman go down,
Superman go dowwwn,
Superman go down,
Just a cageful of Kryptonite to make Superman go down,
In a most delightful wayyyy!

(Curtain closes. Audience applauds wildly.)

[Final stage direction for those who prefer it that way:

Lex, from offstage: YEAAARGGGGHHH! (SPLAT!)]