Immediately her bravado began to desert her, and she felt an onslaught of panic and claustrophobia. The whole world was now staring at her, and she couldn’t deal with the bubble of tension growing in her chest, making it impossible to breathe. She was getting dizzier by the second – any minute now, she would be on the ground unconscious.
“Lois … are you okay?”
Luckily for her, she wasn’t alone. Two people who cared for her very much were by her side, ready to do whatever she needed them to do to save the day. Sharp contrast to that time when she lived in deep fear and misery, alone in her suffering, unable to turn to anyone for help.
“No. I… I can’t do this! The press – everyone – they’re rallying now. I made a huge scene and that’s news, because it involved you, and now – any second now we’re about to be surrounded, and I’m a mess… I don’t want to talk to anyone right now about us, or what happened – or – “
“You want to get out of here?”
“Yes!”
“I can do that. So – just say the word.”
”The word.”
“Lana, sorry to – “
“You guys get to safety. I’ll brave whatever hordes choose to mob me. I’m an expert by now, and very well versed in getting them to back off.”
“Lana, this is my fault,” Lois said becoming increasingly more distressed. “You are being dragged back into this whole public-eye thing because of me – that isn’t fair –“
“Nonsense. Lois you didn’t ask to be put through the hell that you were put through. And you didn’t put a gun to my head and force me to befriend you. Don’t worry about me, just get on out of here!”
Clark looked around. Eyes were clearly cast their way.
“Look Lois – getting out of the public eye to do this isn’t going to be easy – “
“Can we just go skyward? Please? Your place?”
He wrapped an arm around her waist and just took off, ignoring the feeling of weirdness at doing so in his street clothes. He didn’t want to turn into Superman and draw even more attention – he just wanted to get them out of there. Sure, it would be on the evening news, but they just had to get used to that - the fact that they were both news, and would be for a very long time.
Lois leaned into him the entire ride, but didn’t attempt to talk. He respected that and was quiet on the flight.
He arrived at his apartment and within moments, they were safely inside. Even he felt a rush of relief as he shut the door.
Lois sank into his biggest couch and buried her head in her hands.
“I can’t even begin to believe that this happened.”
He stood by quietly – not knowing how to respond.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry I turned us into such a media circus.”
“Lois – you don’t need to feel badly on my account. I just worried about you.”
“That poor guy – he must have thought I was insane.”
“I think your explanation refutes that.”
“Now people will be hammering to know about why I have PTSD.”
“It’s in keeping with what Cat’s going to print … and – remember – you don’t have to answer any questions you don’t want to.”
“Right … it’s a free country.”
“Exactly.”
She nodded firmly. “Okay then.”
“You still feel really badly about this, don’t you?”
”Damn it Clark!!!! I mean – all it took was a tall, dark-haired man dressed in black to freak me out. Is that my life now? I see anyone who even remotely reminds me of Kal, and I flip out?”
“No. If that were your life, you couldn’t be having this conversation with me without flipping out.”
“It’s just that I feel like I have so much healing to do – I’m so far from being normal.”
“I – I think you’ve come a really long way – what happened to you was horrible – and I’m thinking most people would have taken a lot longer than you to even get this far.”
“It seems like an eternity since I got back, and I still can’t – stand the sight of a man dressed in black? Come on… it’s idiotic.”
“It’s a trigger, Lois – and there’s nothing idiotic about that.”
“I’m done with this. Clark. I want to be free of this!”
“In time - I’m sure – “
“No! Not in time. No being patient. I’ve had it with that. I … I … Clark – “ She stopped talking and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. This is it. I’m going to bring it up. “Uh… I‘ve been reading up on trauma therapy, and I found something which I’d been kind of thinking we might want to try. I’ve been sort of afraid to bring it up with you – afraid of how you might react – “
“Lois – you never have to be afraid of - “
“I know. Sorry. I interrupted. That was rude. But… I mean – more like – you might be really horrified – or hurt by what I’m about to suggest… and I’m sorry – because I don’t want you to be, but I also don’t want to be trapped like this anymore.”
He was cautious in answering. “Of course – I want to help you in any way I can. Why don’t you just tell me what you had in mind, and then we can go from there.”
She took a deep breath and looked at him nervously. How the heck do I even begin to talk about this?
He saw her nervousness and didn’t know how to help. “Lois – you don’t have to talk about this if you aren’t ready to do so.”
“I know. But you know if I don’t I’ll just obsess about it.”
“Okay…”
“So… the therapy I had in mind was… um… aversion therapy – which involves… some amount of role-playing.”
Dread gripped him as he heard her words. Oh no. Please don’t let her mean what I think she might mean.
“What… does that involve?” His expression was guarded as he asked the question. Maybe I’m way off base. It might not be that bad.
“”Well – role-playing is where you – uh – pretend to be someone else.”
“So – you would pretend to be someone else?“
“No. You would… pretend to be… someone. Else. Specifically… Lord Kal.”
“No! Lois – No! I couldn’t – I could never do that. Please, Lois – I couldn’t do that.” He took a few steps back, horrified by the suggestion.
“Clark – it really is supposedly a very effective treatment, and – it can kind of shock you into - “
“Lois, you know I’d help you in any way that made sense – but this seems crazy. I can’t even imagine pretending to be him without wanting to throw up. Please – “
“You don’t have to go all out, Clark – I just … some small things… start small?”
“Like…”
“Well – you could… dress like him… just wear black, and maybe try to… carry yourself as if you were him.”
“Lois,” he said. “I don’t like this idea.”
“I’m not suggesting you do anything violent or… hurtful – “
“This isn’t hurtful? It’s horrible!”
“I know, Clark – but if I can relive some of the stress and horror in a safe environment, it could help me compartmentalize it in such a way that it will be less … extreme. Clark, I never want to go through what I went through this afternoon again. And what if it were you that I freaked out on? In public? How could I ever live with that? Now that people know – “
“So it was too soon for you,” he said, his voice despairing. “We shouldn’t have told people yet!”
“It WASN’T too soon,” she yelled.
He paused for a moment, startled by her anger.
“I’m sorry,” she said, feeling stupid. “I just… feel that – worrying about that – is taking away from the … the present. I need for you to do this, Clark.”
“It sounds like a recipe for disaster. I can’t see how this could be anything but horrible. “
“I want to try it,” she said firmly. “But I can’t force you. I just thought you - you said you’d try anything to help me.” Oh god. How can he stand me? I’m a jerk – I’m manipulating him into doing this.
“Lois… I would – but this – I mean – this…. This…. could tear us apart. I – I – how can you even want me to do this – “
“I don’t! And I do – I’m … I’m scared too, Clark. I don’t want this to tear us apart – I really don’t. I don’t want to destroy this wonderful thing that we have – but I really believe this will work.”
“I – “
“I want to diminish his impact on my life, Clark. Please. Clark. Kal-El. Please.”
“No fair calling me that, Lois,” he said in agitation. “You have to know that it hurts to hear you call me that.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a jerk. I’m just trying to point out that this is always going to be there between us – in some form or another – unless we banish him – we can do that – together. We can make this work. It will work, Clark. I know that nothing could ever tear me away from you. NOTHING. Isn’t it obvious – at this point – the fact that I was able to overcome my very intense fears of you – obviously we’re meant to be together… soul mates….”
“You really … really want me to do this?” His voice was ragged.
“I do. I really… really… really do.”
Worriedly he looked at her. “I’ll do what you want, Lois. But… for the record. I’m scared as hell.”
“Me too,” she replied gently.
“So how do we do this?”
“Start with something easy? You could wear all black…”
He took a deep breath. “All right…”
He disappeared for a brief second, and returned, clad entirely in black. He stood there, his stance worried and defensive as he regarded her warily.
“Okay… all black.”
She swallowed the initial nervousness from her throat at the sight. God, he looks so much like Kal when he dresses like that.
“See. I already see it in your eyes,” he muttered. “Fear and… worry… and – “
“It’s okay though,” she retorted. “I’m doing okay.”
“Well – so… now what?”
“Approach me menacingly.”
He looked at her in disbelief. “I couldn’t do that. I mean – approaching anyone menacingly is hard enough – but you? How can I even make it believable. Lois – I’m a reporter. Not an actor.”
“Imagine I’m Lex Luthor.”
“Impossible.”
“Clark! Please!”
He closed his eyes, took a deep steadying breath, and walked towards her. She stood with folded arms, shaking her head.
“Not even remotely close to menacing. ”
“Lois. I told you I couldn’t do it,” he reminded her gently.
“You can do it. You just won’t. I wouldn’t be… mocking your efforts if I believed you were really giving it your full effort. Come on. Go back and try again.”
“You should have been a movie director,” he said, as he walked back, feeling slightly put off by the whole thing.
“Think menacing. What’s your motivation? Imagine Lord Kal is standing here, and you want to give him a piece of your mind for what he did to me. Here…” She flooded his head with imagines of Lord Kal. “See him?”
“I see him,” he said, wincing. “Can you stop that, please? Having him in my mind is...”
“Not until you approach me menacingly. See what he looks like, and do that.”
Clark looked at her, and then he closed his eyes focusing on the unwanted image in his head. Just seeing Kal, seeing how she saw Kal - it was enough to make him angry.
He tried to mimic his stance. He curled his hands into fists, and poised his body with the deadly stance of a panther about to spring.
Lois saw the transformation and forced herself not to gasp aloud. Doing so would surely break his concentration. She braced herself for the experience to come.
Clark opened his eyes, and fixed his gaze on hers, trying desperately to do what he saw Kal doing in his vision. He looked at her hard, and not breaking gaze at all, he approached her with slow and frightening intent.
Dread flooded her, and she had to fight back the very tangible need to back away from him. She held her ground only by fiercely reminding herself that this was Clark. But the transformation was so complete. It was truly as if Lord Kal were here, and she could feel herself slipping back into old reactions. Desperately she wanted to look down, to beg for mercy, and it unnerved her how totally terrified she had become.
Oh dear God. This was a bad idea! This was – a – bad idea!
He stood right in front of her now, and she was shaking. She knew she was, and she felt her heart racing. She kept her gaze on his cold and icy one as she waited for what he would do next.
He continued to gaze at her a few minutes longer, registering her absolute terror. And this is helping how, exactly, Lois?
She waited a few more eternities, and then the idea that he had no idea what to do next trickled into her brain. She had to fight back the sudden giddy laugh that threatened to explode.
What do I want him to do? If he talks to me, it’ll be in his voice – and I’m not sure he can mimic him to that level… so … so… what?
An image suddenly flashed through her memory. She knew then what to do.
Not daring to even ask him to do what she wanted him to do, she grasped his hand, all the while fighting back the instinctive terror at touching him when he looked like this. Daring to do this with Lord Kal would have earned her a blow.
Clark’s hand stiffened when she grasped it, but beyond that, he didn’t react outwardly. He let her do whatever she was doing, his heart pounding in his chest.
She couldn’t make eye-contact, and she unconsciously bit her lip as she moved his hand higher up. She held her breath and then made the decision to move forward. She took his hand and placed it on her throat, trying to wrap his fingers around her neck.
He recoiled sharply and drew his hand back, taking a few steps back. She was caught off guard by his movement, and staggered back from the backlash of his recoil. Immediately, he moved forward at super-speed to grip her shoulders carefully to prevent her from falling.
They stood there for a few very tense moments, her eyes meeting up with his, and then, he very carefully released his hold on her and stepped back a few paces, needing some space.
She was very silent, aware now that she had shocked him deeply, and she was at a loss as to how to proceed. She would let him break the silence when he was ready.
His eyes were no longer cold and icy. Distress radiated clearly from them, and she felt a surge of something she couldn’t yet identify.
Finally, he spoke, his voice ragged with strong emotions.
“My god! What… what… were you doing?”
“I… “
Before could finish, he interrupted.
“Lois – I – I can’t do this. I can’t do this - I can’t. I don’t want to do this – and – and you aren’t even hearing me here… I – I… it was one thing to dress in black – okay – that’s… that’s fine, and understandable… and even the menacing thing – even though – I… I… I … hate… that you forced him into my head…. But… even that…. Okay – you needed me to understand… but this? I mean – this??? It’s…. “
“I thought you wanted to help me,” she wailed plaintively.
“I do! I do – but this – this is too much – this is – I can’t do this!”
“I don’t get why you won’t help me,” she said frustrated and angry. “You said you would try anything – I don’t see why this is – why you won’t do this?”
“I keep trying to tell you this makes me uncomfortable and unhappy but you keep trying to diminish how I feel – pushing it aside, saying it doesn’t matter. Don’t you see? Don’t you see what we – what you are risking here? Don’t you care?”
“I told you – I don’t think that this will drive a rift between us. God. Clark. I’m just trying to purge myself of some of this fear – some of these feelings. I want us to be on equal footing!”
“We are on equal footing!”
“Are we? You … you have all the power in this relationship. You … you’re the strong one – not just with the powers, but emotionally – and I’m the one – who needs help – needs healing – and… things aren’t equal – and… maybe – maybe you like it like that? Maybe – that’s why you are resisting so hard!”
“Are you serious – you can’t seriously believe even a word of that?”
“Kal liked it when I was afraid of him. Maybe you have more in common with him than you know.”
Clark drew in a sharp breath and she saw that she had gone too far. She didn’t even pause to consider that the fear she was feeling now was the fear of having pushed a man who meant so much to her to a point where he might walk away. She wasn’t afraid, not even in the slightest that he might hurt her physically.
“Clark. Clark. God. I’m sorry. I didn’t.. I didn’t mean that.”
He looked at her for a long moment, trying to read the truth in her eyes. Finally, he nodded.
“I know. I know you didn’t mean it. I know that. But… what I also just heard is that you will say something – that horrible – in order to try to guilt me into doing something I really desperately don’t want to do. Lois… can’t you see,” he said, his voice a pained entreaty. “Can’t you see you’re … you’re forcing me into something I don’t want to do? You’re… you’re ...being the bully here?”
Lois became pale as his words sank in. She staggered back a few steps, trying to get what he was saying through her mind. Had she really been that horrible to him? She closed her eyes in an attempt to block out sensory input so she could get her thoughts back in control.
Clark watched her, his anger fading. In its place was fear. She’s afraid of me. I’m angry – and she knows it, and now she’s afraid.
“Clark… “ Her voice was ragged with the strain of not giving into the tears which threatened to fall. “My God. Clark. I’m so sorry. So… sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” he said in a rush to reassure her. “I – I – I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset – I – “
“Clark! Stop – stop it! Stop!”
Her words got through, and he stopped in his verbal tracks. He waited, watching her with trepidation.
“You shouldn’t apologize when you didn’t do anything wrong. You… you were right. I – I’m a bully. I’m using my experiences to force you into a course of action that scares you. You’re scared – of losing me. Of losing us. And – I treated your fears as if they were inconsequential. I’m sorry. That’s no way to act – not to your best friend… not to the person you love.”
“I… it’s okay.”
“It isn’t okay. But… I promise to do better. I promise to be more… aware. I … I promise.” Her gaze met his unwaveringly. Please don’t leave.
He nodded. “And… maybe we can talk about this, and … I – I do want to help you. If pretending I’m him so you can yell at him helps – yeah, I’ll do that… but… we have to talk about it – and kind of plan it out, because – what… that… “
“I know,” she said calmingly. “I know.”
There was a long and awkward pause. And then, he spoke.
“We…we just had our first fight.”
“We did.”
“I was afraid of … our first fight.”
“You were?”
“I was afraid that you might…see me as him… which… when you think about what just happened… seems… kind of ironic.”
“I was afraid of that too,” she said honestly.
“But it didn’t happen?” He watched her carefully for her response.
“No. But I was afraid…”
“You were? Oh god – I knew it – I – “
“No. I was afraid of losing you. If anything… I channeled Lord Kal. I’m sorry. I forced him into your head, just like he used to do to me, and then I bullied you into doing something you didn’t want to do – just like him.”
“You aren’t anything like him.”
“I guess I’m my own special kind of selfish then… Clark … if you want to back out of this… I won’t stop you.”
“Lois. I most definitely do not want to back out of this.”
“You sure? Just because we told everyone is no reason to feel like you have to – “
Her words were cut off as he suddenly reached for her and pulled her close for a passionate and soul-searing kiss. All was forgotten in the wild clashing of their mouths and tongues, and all she knew was an urgent desire to get as close to him as was humanly possible.
