Last time...
She felt a strange and oddly heady mixture of fear and excitement squeeze a tight grip on her heart. She felt like he must be able to hear her heart’s increased pounding – it was so loud in her ears. She felt almost like a small animal, caught in a predators gaze. So fascinated by those eyes, unable to escape to safety – sealing her fate. There was a weak and distant voice in her crying out for her to move, to break the spell, to stop him, but she fiercely tamped it down. She wanted this.
She closed her eyes as his lips hovered just centimeters near hers, and tensed up in worried expectation as his arm tightened further, bringing her close in, close in to meet that kiss.
And suddenly – he was kissing her.
Part 50...
Moments earlier, she had waited in breathless anticipation as he closed the gap between them.
The first touch of his lips on hers had been a mere brushing of lips. After that, he had leaned in closer and kissed her again, this time, the pressure a little more tangible. The hand that had been against her back was now pulling her in closer towards him.
Her mind was whirling fast with different feelings – panic, apprehension, excitement and tense anticipation.
She was relieved to find that his kiss was nothing like Kal’s and that this wasn’t evoking any harsh and sudden flashbacks. She was here, in the moment, with him. Although, she was very nervous about where the kiss would lead, she was eager to keep the contact. The warm and sensual feelings that his kiss was evoking in her were preventing her from even wanting to try to test the truth of her freedom.
Briefly, he lifted his head to look at her, and she saw an unfathomable expression in his eyes. Her eyes locked with his, and she nervously licked her bottom lip with the tip of her tongue. The gesture fascinated him, and he dropped his gaze from her eyes, down to that lower lip. He moved his free hand to caress her lip with his thumb as he did earlier on in the evening, and then he leaned in to kiss her again.
This kiss was slightly more intense than the previous one, less tentative… more purposeful, and she felt a small squeeze of apprehension. Don’t think about Kal. This is Clark, he’ll stop if I ask him to. And I don’t want him to. Not yet.
In defiance of her nervousness, she leaned into him, taking a small amount of control of the situation, and kissed him back. As she did this, she felt her nervousness abate a bit. Thoughts of Kal were pushed into the back burner, and she felt her body react with pleasure at his nearness and at this contact. In her entire life, nobody had ever made her feel this way with just a kiss. Wow. He sure knows how to kiss.
He retreated again, and she felt devastated by the sudden loss of his lips against hers. No. Don’t stop. Reluctantly, she opened her eyes, and looked at him with wounded confusion. Why did you stop?
He had backed away in order to ensure that she really wanted to be kissing him. Expecting to see wariness, tension and fear, instead he saw the hazy confusion in her eyes, and the spark of desire. His body responded immediately, and he was taken aback at the strength and immediacy of that response. It was almost as if his cognitive brain functions were actually shutting down. Oh my god.
“Lois,” he gasped, his voice now a sensual rasp. “God, I … I… “ He wasn’t able to stop himself, he moved in again, and this time, he pulled her close with an increasing sense of urgency. More than anything, he wanted to kiss her again – to feel her body against his.
In the moment before they made contact, she saw the deep glittering desire in his eyes, and suddenly, a thought shocked through her mind. He looks just like Kal! The thought acted like a bucket of ice-water against her incipient feelings of desire, and this time, as his lips descended on hers, she felt trapped and menaced. Her body hadn’t yet had time to transmit this change of mind to him, and he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her even closer. Her feelings of being trapped intensified, and her heart started beating faster. She was scared, and she wanted to be free of this.
Blindly, she pushed away, ignoring the warning voice that told her she should never rebuff Kal. As soon as she did, he let her go, and panic flared even harder as she realized that she had done the one thing she should never ever do – she had resisted. Oh god! He’ll be angry!
“I – I – “ she started to gasp out a frightened apology, and he quickly grasped her face between his hands and urged her to look at him.
“It’s me, Lois. It’s me. I’m not him!”
Her eyes were wide and almost unseeing, but something in the way he sounded got through to her. She felt herself start to calm down, and after a long and painful moment, she wordlessly nodded, indicating her understanding.
“I’m sorry,” she gasped out, out of breath from the exertion of being afraid.
“I think I’m the one who owes you an apology,” he said. “I shouldn’t have –“
“But I wanted you to. I encouraged you to. I wanted that!” Her voice was an anxious protest. “Please – if you feel guilty every time something like this happens – “ She broke off, unwilling to complete her thought. We won’t ever be lovers.
He looked back at her, unspoken remorse still in his expression. He knew what she was going to say, and he tried not to let his own feelings show. How can I ever have the courage to even try to get that close to her? The kinds of flashbacks that could bring back could be nightmarish for us both.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” she said, looking away. Truth be told, she was deeply embarrassed by her reaction. He had been so gentle and careful and completely in control – and she had reacted like a ninny.
“Do you want to – “
“I don’t think I’m ready to do this again… not tonight… I mean – but… next time… definitely.”
“I… I actually was going to ask if you wanted me to drive you home. It’s late, and I know you have work tomorrow.”
“Oh…” Her cheeks flushed red, and she looked away again. “Oh. God. Oh… I’m sorry – I …” She trailed off, feeling even more gauche than before.
“But I’m really looking forward to next time,” he said with a teasing edge to his voice. “Especially now.”
Despite herself, she smiled shyly.
“Me too. I really am. And… yeah… I guess we should call it a night.”
“Come on… I’ll drive you home.”
“Sure you don’t just want to fly me home?”
“Is that what you want?”
“I… I don’t know. It kind of seems like it might be nice.”
“I’d be happy to – but I’m also happy to drive you home.”
”You know… maybe you should. I don’t want Lucy going ballistic if she sees us fly in… “
“Don’t you think she’ll go ballistic anyway? Seeing us drive in?”
“You’re probably right. But I don’t want to put you through the hassle of getting my car back to me.”
He heard the unspoken worry in her voice. She wanted to fly, but she was afraid. Afraid of having a panic attack, which to her, would make her feel like she had ruined their date. He gracefully let her last comment pass without trying to assure her that getting her car back would be no problem.
They made their way down to her car, and after they had gotten themselves settled in, he turned to her, trying to assess how she was doing.
“Are you sure… that… you’re okay?”
“Clark,” her voice held gentle exasperation. “I promise – I wouldn’t lie to you about it.”
“I just… I – “
“I’m fine,” she said softly.
“If I … If I made you feel – that you were with him – I – “
“You didn’t. I had a bit of a panicked moment. But at no time, when I was kissing you, was I thinking of him. It was just at the end … I – I mean – you know that I wouldn’t have been responding to you if I thought you were him, don’t you? I mean – you do know that, right?” Her voice was suddenly very worried. “You know that I wasn’t… in the slightest amount… attracted to him… right?”
“No! God – of course. I know – I know – I wasn’t saying that… or if I was, I didn’t mean to be saying that. I just was worried that – well – if you thought that I was him, you wouldn’t push me away – because – “ he winced before continuing, “ – because he would have hurt you if you ever did that.”
“You’re right,” she said, her voice quiet again. “He would have, and he did. But… remember this… I did … push you away – when things got too much for me to take, when my fears started to come back into the forefront of my mind. And – that’s not something I could have ever done with him. “
“Oh… I hadn’t really thought of that. Thanks for telling me."
They drove on in silence for a little while, and then she broke the quiet.
“I had a great time,” she said.
“Me too.”
“How are you feeling about Friday?”
“I wish it were over.”
“I can understand that. It must be awkward sometimes – being so much in the public eye – it’s not like you ever sought that out for yourself.”
“Well… it has it’s ups and downs. I wish I’d managed to keep my identities separate… like that other Clark.”
“I still don’t understand how glasses could make such a difference… is she really all that smart? How can she be?”
“Lois!!”
“It just seems… I don’t know – you’d have to be kind of… “
“I don’t know. It does work for him – and she wasn’t the only one who didn’t see it… I’ve met some of the people in her world, and they seemed really smart to me. I think that they just didn’t see it because it seemed so improbable.”
“Yeah… maybe. But… what do you mean, you’ve met some of the people in her world?”
“I went there once.”
“Why?”
“I – had to help find Clark…” His voice was tense with discomfort. He didn’t want to talk to her about dimension-hopping, he didn’t want to talk about Tempus, and he really didn’t want to tell her that he made a move on her counterpart. Not just yet, anyway.
“Oh,” she said, detecting his discomfort. “And… did you find him?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
“I – uh… I got to meet his parents…”
“Oh my god. That must have been amazing… and painful…”
“Yeah. It was. I think that’s when I started to feel kind of bitter about things. Full of self-pity, you know? “
“I can imagine.”
“But then - I see what you’ve gone through, and how you’ve overcome it all – and… I realize that my problems are so small… I have a really good life, all things considered, and now that you’re a part of it, it’s just an amazing life.”
She smiled. “Likewise.”
“Come on, I’ll walk you up.”
“You don’t have to – “
“Yes. I do. Please… indulge me on this? I just worry – it’s late, and it’s dark – and…”
“Indulgence granted,” she said with another smile. “Honestly, I’m glad of your company.”
He walked her to the door, and then he asked her one more time.
“So… you’re really okay? We’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” she said, smiling at him gently. “In fact, I wouldn’t mind a good night kiss from you.”
“Oh… yeah?” His voice was suddenly sensual again, and she felt a jolt of nervous excitement.
It was night, and she could hardly see - he seemed even larger and more imposing in the dark, and yet, she longed to repeat the experience of feeling so wonderful while in his arms.
“Yeah,” she said, her throat suddenly dry again. “How about it?”
She stepped closer to him, her body almost touching his, and he felt a surge of love for her. She was afraid – she was afraid of another panic attack, she was afraid of what kissing him might make her feel… but she was still asking him to do it, inviting him to share this intimacy with her again. And he loved her for her bravery. He loved her for her determination not to let the past ruin her future.
He reached out, and stroked her hair, and then dropped that hand to come around her back. Like before, his arm was circling her, and he drew her close as he bent down to meet her.
She once again felt a spark of fear and excitement as the space closed between them. But this time, as their lips met, she gave herself up entirely to the feeling. This was a good night kiss, and there was no hidden voice to warn her about going too far in the confines of his apartment. Although she knew that he would never do anything without her express consent, it was deeply ingrained in her, even just from being a woman, that you had to be careful under certain circumstances.
This kiss, shared under the stars was spectacular. And it was over all too quickly.
“I’d better go,” he said, his voice regretful. “It’s late… and I don’t want you to be dragging tomorrow.”
“I’ll be dragging until I see you again,” she said, honestly. “I can’t wait!”
“I can’t wait either.”
“I wish I could have stayed with you tonight…” She flushed, she realized she had actually said that. “I… I can’t wait for a time when I can.”
“Me either…”
She smiled at that, half-expecting him to start telling her that there was no pressure, no worries, that they had all the time in the world. Instead, he had answered with the same heart-felt honesty that she had just shown him. Barriers had been broken tonight… physical, as well as mental, and she had no intention of giving up her hard-won gains.
“Can you come see me after the auction? I’m guessing you won’t have your date that same night.”
“But it might be late…”
“As if that’s mattered…”
“Okay. I’ll definitely come see you. If you’re asleep – I’ll just…”
“Wake me up. No matter how late… even if it’s 4:00 in the morning because you got caught up in an emergency. Wake me up – I want to hear about it… I want to… just connect with you – to see you – to feel your presence… it’ll make me feel better… okay?”
“Okay.”
“Besides… if you have to wake me, you can do it in the fairy-tale honored way,” she said, an impish sparkle in her eyes.
“Lois,” he said, his voice suddenly deeper and tinged with playful warning. “You know… you’re really – “ appalled, he stopped himself short. Oh god. I was going to say ‘playing with fire.’ How could I even say something like that?
“I’m really what?”
“Terrific,” he said, trying to save himself from further blunder.
“Liar. What were you really going to say?”
“Lois… please… “
“Okay. Okay. I’ll let it go. This time. But… you will come over on Friday, right?”
“Yes. Wild horses might actually delay me, but they won’t stop me. ”
He stepped away from her and spun into his flying clothes.
“I… I’ll see you,” he said, hoping against hope that his transformation into Superman wouldn’t make her associate him back to Kal.
“Wait,” she said.
“What’s wrong?”
“This…”
She moved forward again, into his space, and placing her arms around his neck, gave him another kiss. Her lips connected with his for a brief moment, and then, she stepped back again, feeling flushed and embarrassed.
“Wow…”
“I… I wanted to … Kiss you as superman… to… “
“You never have to explain why you’d do something like that,” he said.
“It’s just that – you know… how sometimes I act differently when you’re like this… I just wanted you to know that … it’s all of you- that I want….”
“Thank you, Lois. That means a lot. That means everything.”
