Last time...
“Right now… I’d love to be kissing you,” he said softly, brushing his thumb across her lips. “Right now – I’d love to be holding you.” He dropped his hand lightly and placed it on her waist ever so gently. “I’d love to pull you close in –right now – like this – and then… kiss you.”
His voice was hypnotic and utterly mesmerizing. She swallowed again, lost in the spell he was weaving. Another part of her was encouraging her to run away, as fast as she could. She didn’t know which voice to listen to.
Oh my god. Is he going to kiss me? My god. He’s going to kiss me. I should… I should stop this. I should… I should…
Part 49
Wild and incoherent thoughts were ricocheting through her mind. Do I let this happen? Before she could make a decision motivated by her conscious mind, she felt herself taking a startled step backwards. She closed her eyes in frustration as she felt the light contact of his hand on her waist drop away. God No! I didn't just do that. I couldn't have just done that! Anguished and embarrassed, she struggled to regain control of her emotions. After a long moment, she forced herself to open her eyes and meet his gaze.
“Clark,” she said, her voice strained and low. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe… Damn it, Clark, I can’t believe I did that.”
He was eager to reassure her. She has to know it's okay. I don't want her to think I'm angry. Not like he would be. “It’s okay – it’s going to take…”
“No! It’s not okay!” Her voice was suddenly louder and angry. “It’s not okay!” Clark! Why do you have to be so reassuring all the time?
He was silent against her anger, suddenly unsure about what to say next. The timer suddenly rang, and he broke the gaze, looking over at the kitchen. He turned back to face her.
“I have to go get that.”
She saw relief in his expression, a relief he may not even have known he was feeling, and hot bitterness rose inside her. He wants to escape.
“Saved by the bell,” she said mockingly. She was shocked as the words came out, she hadn’t intended on saying them out loud.
He hesitated, looking at her with even more uncertainty, and remorse set in. She was being unfair.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “That was uncalled for.”
“It’s.. “ he stopped, not wanting to make her angry by telling her it was okay. Although logically he knew she was really angry at herself, he still didn’t want to provoke her at this moment in time.
“It’s okay. I know. But… I’m showing you the worst of me… and we should have our relationship on more solid footing before I do that. I’m acting like a jerk.”
“You really aren’t. You were right in perceiving that I was relieved about the timer. I just wasn’t sure what to say that wouldn’t be… upsetting.”
“You have to walk on eggshells sometimes, don’t you?”
“Not that often,” he said, trying to reassure her.
“You go and take care of the food… I don’t want to get in the way of dinner prep.”
“Okay. It’ll be ready in just a minute.”
After he left her, she gave herself a mental scolding. Stop picking on him. He isn’t responsible for you being a big mess, and you can’t start acting all peevish every time you have a panic attack.
She saw him laying things out on the table, and she walked over, seeing if she could help.
“It’s okay,” he said. “It’s all ready.”
“Everything looks great!”
“Hopefully you’ll think it tastes great.”
After they had settled down to eat, she took her first bite.
“Clark. You’re even a great cook. Is there anything you don’t do well?”
“Do you have a couple of hours?”
She laughed.
“You’re just being modest. But really… this is great. Did your mom teach you … I’m sorry. I don’t want to – “
“No… no… She taught me to enjoy cooking… but a lot of this I learned on my own.”
“Well, I’m glad you did. Mom always said to hook up with a guy who could cook.”
He laughed at that.
“Clark. I’m really sorry about before.”
“I know you are. On my account though – there’s no need.”
“I just… I feel like… you know… like… I’m not …”
She paused a long moment, and he waited silently. He hated it when people tried to fill in other people’s sentences.
“I guess… Okay. I’m just going to come out and say it… even though I feel like an idiot. I … I’m really having problems with this whole auction thing. And – I’m really… feeling insecure about it. I can’t help but worry that whatever you see in me – will be eclipsed … if someone other than Leyna ends up spending that evening with you… I mean… you’re going to be going out on a date with another woman, Clark… that makes me uncomfortable. Oh my god. I can’t believe I just said this out loud to you. I wasn’t going to.”
“Well… can I say something – now?”
She smiled. “Yeah, I guess you can talk.”
“Okay. First… I’m going to come out and make the very daring statement that if our roles were reversed and you were participating in this type of event, I’d be pretty miserable about it too.”
“Come on. You don’t mean that.”
“I do. If you and I were involved at the time that I was asked to do this, I would have said no, and wouldn’t have felt badly about it. I mean – it’s inappropriate for me to go out on a date – even if it is a charity thing, and even if it isn’t meant to be romantic in nature. It’s not right, it’s not fair to you. The way you feel makes sense, Lois.”
She smiled shyly at the earnestness in his expression.
“Thanks,” she said softly. “It helps to hear that. Because… jealousy is not necessarily an attractive thing in a person. And I’ve had a lifetime of dealing with possessive people who are prone to violent jealous fits.” She shuddered.
“Let me guess…”
“Yeah. I mean – it goes with everything else… right? That whole control thing.”
“Did it bug you that I told you it would bother me if you were doing this? Because it would. I’m not saying that to make you feel better about your own feelings… at the same time, I don’t want you to feel threatened by it. If you ever decided to move on from… well – from us… even if I didn’t want to break up, I wouldn’t – act badly about it. Do you… well – I hope you believe that.”
“I believe it, Clark.”
“Good.” His relief was obvious, and she had to force back a smile.
“But…” Her smile sobered as she moved back on her initial track. “I … I still feel badly about it… even with your validation.”
“You feel threatened by it?”
“Kind of,” she was shy now, unable to meet his gaze directly. She was skirting dangerously back to topics which made her uncomfortable.
“What… what do you think will happen?”
“I… I mean – what if Leyna doesn’t… and… it’s someone like Carissa… or it… it is Carissa.”
“Carissa's not important to me, Lois. She's... a casual acquaintance, if anything."
“My… my dad had a lot of those.”
“Lois… I know your dad… “
“I’m sorry. You aren’t him… and you aren’t him. I can’t do this to you – make you pay for the sins of other men.”
“You aren’t doing that… our lives are always the sum of our experiences, and we bring those to every new experience. You haven’t exactly been given a lot of reasons to trust that people will... “ will love you “will be truthful with you. I know that.”
“You… I know you can be trusted… that way… it’s not that I think you’d do anything behind my back or anything… but I’m afraid of that… that… dear Lois letter…”
You mean the one that says ‘Dear Lois. I love you with all my heart?’ You don’ t mean that, but that’s the only kind of Dear Lois letter that I’m capable of writing.
“I… “
“What… I mean – what would … what would happen on this date? Describe it to me… please.”
“Just… you know… the usual… dinner… dancing… that kind of thing.”
She let out a mocking laugh. “That kind of thing.”
“What?” He was genuinely lost now.
She looked at him directly, entreaty in her eyes.
“Dancing.”
Comprehension gleamed in his answering gaze.
“Oh… “
She closed her eyes in frustration with her own feelings.
“I know – I know that you’re okay with it… with backing off from any deeper kind of intimacy at this moment in time… but I still feel like a sideshow freak. I mean – I can’t even go on a date, do the ‘usual’ without acting like a scared little teenager on her first date! It’s pathetic!”
“You went through hell, Lois. That’s bound to have an effect on anyone!”
“I know. I know. Rationally I know one thing… but… I’m not the world’s most patient person. And… my lack of self-confidence is showing… and… my lack of trust… and… add it all up, and you have one woman, going crazy with worry over a simple thing like a charity date auction. I guess it eats me up – you’re doing this thing with her that you haven’t ever done with me!”
“How can I make this better? Should I cancel?”
“You can’t cancel!! Not on my account! I mean – it’s really for a good cause – and I’d feel awful if you had to cancel – especially since we aren’t public with this yet… I … I don’t want you to do it. Promise you won’t cancel.”
“I won’t… I mean – barring an emergency…”
“Right.. so I just have to engineer an oil spill somewhere…”
“Hey – now you’re sounding like Lex Luthor.”
“Hey!”
“How about this… how about … tonight… this evening… now… how about… you dance with me?”
“Oh,” she breathed, suddenly feeling very nervous again. “Oh… yeah… I mean – that… that’s an idea…”
“Want to give it a try?” Please say yes. Please don’t be afraid – and please don’t feel pressured!!
“You mean now?” Now? Now? Oh. No. I can’t do this!
“No better time, right?” He was trying not to let his own nervousness show… but it was hard, in the face of her obvious fear.
“Uh… yeah. I mean… I guess… “
“Lois… no pressure, okay? I don’t want you to feel – “
“No. I don’t. Not from you… the only pressure is from me… I – I’m sorry. You asked me to dance, and I’m acting like you asked me to pick up an alligator. I… I’d love to dance,” she said, feeling shy again. It amazed her how they could talk about such powerful things, and yet, she could still sometimes feel so awkward and shy about things.
He stood up, and she watched, her heart squeezing in her chest, as he came around to her, and held out an inviting hand.
“Okay,” she said, on a breathless exhalation. No hyperventilating!!
She took his hand, and pulled herself up, trying to calm her extremely agitated nerves. We’ve been close together before. Flying. This is okay. Nothing we haven’t done before. Well. It is. But not really. But… well.. yeah, really. This is different. Very different.
She took in a breath, and let it out quickly. She connected her gaze to his, and smiled.
“I’m okay. I know you want to ask… so I figured I’d just get it out there. I’m okay.”
“Okay,” he said gently. He let go of her hand and went over to the stereo system. Soon the music was playing, and her heart picked up in rhythm. The music made it more real somehow.
“Is the music okay?” He was right in front of her now.
She nodded, unable to speak at this particular moment in time. Looking at him, she swallowed hard, mentally preparing herself for what was to come. Anxious eyes lifted to his, and he saw the mixed emotions. His heart went out to her.
“Remember… nothing that you don’t want. You can just call a halt to this at any time.”
She nodded, feeling vaguely detached from her body.
“Ready?”
“No,” she laughed – it was a harsh sound coming from her heart. “But let’s… just try this.”
He stepped into her personal space, and very gently drew her into his arms.
“Is this okay?” His voice was low and quiet.
“So far,” she said nervously. Her heart was pounding, and she felt her nerves on fire. She was trying very hard to beat back the sensation of being trapped.
He gently tugged her in closer, and she gasped a little as she felt off balance due to her natural resistance. She stumbled awkwardly, and he gently held her upright as she settled herself. She was in close to him – in ‘slow dancing’ proximity, and she gasped again as their bodies came into gentle contact. She could feel the heat from his body, and felt the steady beating of his heart. They were so close in together, and suddenly she felt very worried, very menaced, and very tense. Despite her mind yelling out to her body that this was Clark, her body began to slip back into familiar reactions… reacting to being locked in Kal’s unforgiving embrace.
She let out a worried exhalation as she realized that panic was over-taking her, and then she heard his voice by her ear.
“You’re trembling,” he said softly. “Your heart is beating so fast. Do you want to stop this?”
She took a few deep breaths to get herself under control.
“Yes… I’m … I’m scared. But… I don’t want to stop… okay?”
To give her words extra emphasis, she tentatively rested her cheek against his chest, letting out a slow shaky breath.
Very carefully, he moved the hand that had been on her waist so that it was gently pressing against her back, and they began to move to the music.
Despite her fear and feeling of awkwardness, she kept her weight balanced on the balls of her feet, and followed his lead without letting him do all the work.
“You’re a good dancer,” he said quietly, speaking so that she would know that it was him. Belatedly he realized that maybe his voice might sound like Kal's and that it would just make things worse.
“Lucy and I both - my parents wanted us to learn this particular social grace.”
“I’ll have to dance with Lucy for comparison,” he said teasingly.
“Hey. Lucy can find her own partner,” she said laughingly, trying to keep the light banter going. Her heart reached out to him. He really was trying hard to keep her at ease.
“Is this okay?”
“Yeah…” her voice was a breathless sigh. “It is. I’m not having a panic attack.” There was surprised wonder in her tone.
The phone rang, it’s loud and strident tones caused her to jerk back in alarm. Immediately, he released his hold on her.
“It’s just the phone,” he said. “I got it…”
“It’s stopped ringing.”
“So it has… “
“I hope it isn’t … I hope whoever’s bothering me isn’t …”
“What are you going to do about tonight? I mean…” he blushed suddenly. “I mean – about the caller… do you … “
“No,” she said firmly. “I don’t. Because… this is a date… and if I sleep on the couch, it’ll just be weird. I… I told Lucy I might crash at her place.”
“Good!”
“So… you can drive me there later.”
“Oh. Sure!”
“Because… well… the wine has made me lightheaded, and I never want to take that kind of risk. Also… I don’t feel safe being out late… on my own.”
“I’d be happy to do it, Lois. And you know – if you ever are in danger – “
“You’re there. I know. I know. I count on it… you know?”
“Did… did you want to…”
“As… incredible as it was… and… it was… I think… I need – I – “
“It’s okay Lois. Really.”
“Want to go to the living room? And talk? And have some more wine?”
“Sounds great. Let me get everything and -”
“No. Let me at least get our glasses.”
“Ok. I’ll get the bottle.”
After she placed the glasses next to each other, she sat down on the big couch. He came over, and put the bottle down, and then, he sat in the nearby armchair.
“Please… can you.. can you sit here?” She indicated the large couch.
“It’s okay - I’m comfortable here,” he said with a smile.
“No – No… can you … can you please sit here. Next to me? Please?”
Oh. Oh. Ohhhhh. Yeah. I get it. Not too thickheaded, am I?
He looked at her intently. “Are you sure?”
She swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. “Yes,” she said, her voice barely more than a whisper. “Please.”
He carefully stood up and walked over to sit next to her. He watched her carefully for any signs of panic at his approach. Her eyes met his steadily, and it gave him the courage to join her. He sat down next to her, leaving a foot of space between them.”
“Let me show you what I mean,” she said, as she moved over, right next to him. Inwardly, her heart was pounding, and she was bracing against an onslaught on panic, but she was trying very hard to project calm. She wanted there to be more from this night – more that would make her feel like they had a chance of ever making this work. More that might make her feel less insecure about his date with whoever won the auction.
“You…” she croaked, and then, cleared her throat a bit. “You can put your arm around me – if you’d like?”
“Like this?” His movements had been very careful and measured, and his arm, as it landed across her shoulders was very gentle and deliberately non-threatening.
“Well,” she said, with a hint of humor in her voce. “It’ll do for now.”
“Glad to hear,” he responded with equal humor.
They sat like that in silence a few moments.
She brought her glass of wine up to drink it’s contents, and realized it was mostly empty. She leaned forward a bit, and his arm on her didn’t restrain her in the slightest. That simple fact gave her an extra shot of courage. She poured herself a glass and moved to settle back against him. Suddenly she realized she hadn’t even offered him any, and she turned to ask if he wanted more.
Their eyes connected immediately, and she was startled by the unguarded expression in his eyes. It mesmerized her, as it had the few times he had deliberately dropped his guard, and she felt her breath catch. She swallowed, reflexively, her throat suddenly dry, unable to break the gaze. He seemed equally moved, and equally mesmerized. .
She’s so beautiful. She's very beautiful And… I think…I think I’m going to kiss her.. Without really being aware of it, his arm shifted a bit, and he tightened his grip on her shoulders imperceptibly. He leaned forward, ever so slowly, his eyes never breaking contact with hers.
She felt a strange and oddly heady mixture of fear and excitement squeeze a tight grip on her heart. She felt like he must be able to hear her heart’s increased pounding – it was so loud in her ears. She felt almost like a small animal, caught in a predators gaze. So fascinated by those eyes, unable to escape to safety – sealing her fate. There was a weak and distant voice in her crying out for her to move, to break the spell, to stop him, but she fiercely tamped it down. She wanted this.
She closed her eyes as his lips hovered just centimeters near hers, and tensed up in worried expectation as his arm tightened further, bringing her close in, close in to meet that kiss.
And suddenly – he was kissing her.
[tbc]
