This really is a nice story. The chapters are short but complete, and the little cliffhangers at the end are a very nice touch. And I think you've done an excellent job with your first story here. You've worked hard on it and it shows. I'm not a great fan of "next gen" stories either (although I won't turn a story down on that basis), but this one is certainly holding my attention.
I wish I'd known that girl's name. I think there might be a real possibility for Jonathan to forge a true friendship with her. She showed some courage in coming to his hospital room to thank him personally, and a lot more to sit there conversing with Jon's parents while waiting to deliver her message. Maybe you could bring her back in later. I think she could be a strong second character for this piece if it grows legs and refuses to let you end it.
And I don't think this post was either cheesy or corny. There's nothing wrong with some good, solid, honest emotional tension.
