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Author
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Topic: Clark Kent 101- Rules to Live By
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Lynn S. M.
Kerth
Member # 6515
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posted
Turnabout is fair play. If Lois gets her own instruction manual (See the Lois Lane 101 thread), then so should Clark.
And to start it off:
Rule #1 - He may be super, but he isn't perfect.
Rule #2 - He can be incredibly stubborn. At times, you need to be even more so. At other times, you need to swallow your pride and go along with what he wants. The trick is to know which time is which.
Rule #3 - His heart is always in the right place, but that doesn't mean his head is.
Rule #4 - He's a lot more than a simple hack from Nowheresville.
Rule #5 - He's not as absentminded as all of his "I forgot..." excuses would have you believe. Look closer!
Rule #6 - Do I have to spell it out for you? Hello! Duh! Clark Kent is Superman!
Rule #7 - If you ever need help trying to understand him, just ask Martha.
Rule #8 - If you see him cock his head like a bird, be prepared for him to take flight.
Rule #9 - He may be (nearly) invulnerable physically, but he is very vulnerable emotionally. Handle with care.
Anyone want to see if we can reach 100 rules?
Joy,
Lynn
p.s., Just an aside: Tomorrow starts a new semester for me -- one that I anticipate being insanely busy. I'll probably become very quiet on the MB again for the next few months. :-( I'll try to drop by as time permits.
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
Rule #10 - If he tries to break up with you for your own good, don't let him get away with it.
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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Lynn S. M.
Kerth
Member # 6515
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posted
Rule #11 = Keep him away from any rocks that glow green. Or red. Or any other colour, for that matter.
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
Rule #12 - Always let him go first. He'll feel more manly, and you'll be able to check out things from behind.
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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Lynn S. M.
Kerth
Member # 6515
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posted
Rule 12a -- Make sure he doesn't have his fingers crossed.
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Deadly Chakram
Kerth
Member # 8595
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posted
Rule #13 - Keep away from people named Mayson.
Rule #14 - A kiss/declaration of love is a good way of keeping him in Metropolis when it looks like he's going to run away.
Rule #15 - Failing #14 - look into microchipping/Lojacking him. It'll make him a lot easier to find.
Rule #16 - Ask youself if any of his lame excuses *really* make any sense. When in doubt, investigate. If it sounds too bizzarre (ie Cheese of the Month club) it probably isn't true.
Rule #17 - You can use "lunkhead" as a term of endearment with him.
Rule #18 - For sex, just feed him pasta.
Rule #18a - When following the above rule, be warned that he may be insatiable. He *is* Superman, after all.
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Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen
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Ultra Woman
Kerth
Member # 892
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posted
quote:
Rule #16 - Ask youself if any of his lame excuses *really* make any sense. When in doubt, investigate. If it sounds too bizzarre (ie Cheese of the Month club) it probably isn't true.
You'd be surprised: Cheese of the Month Club
Rule #19 - He is not schizophrenic, he just has a bad habit of talking about himself in the third person.
Rule #20 - He is not schizophrenic but he can get jealous of himself. Don't pine over him when he is wearing the suit.
Rule #21 - Never give him a plain, monochromatic tie.
Posts: 2097 | From: Brazil - RS | Registered: Aug 2004
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Deadly Chakram
Kerth
Member # 8595
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ultra Woman:
You'd be surprised: Cheese of the Month Club
![[Jawdrop]](graemlins/jawdrop.gif)
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Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen
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Mouserocks
Top Banana
Member # 8621
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posted
Rule #22 - If lunkhead side of him becomes out of control, call in the big guns: his mother.
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"The world is a mess and I just need to rule it." -- Dr. Horrible
"Everyone's a hero in their own way, In their own not-that-heroic way!" -- Captain Hammer
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shimauma
Features Writer
Member # 2440
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posted
Rule #23 - 1000 watt grin is exceedingly helpful to increased libido...daily use is recommended
Rule #24 - Deep copper brown gaze has been known to cause swooning...also recommended daily...several doses
TEEEEEEJ
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Spartan King Leonidas: "A new age has come, an age of freedom. And all will know that 300 Spartans gave their last breath to defend it."
Jayne Cobb: Shepherd Book once said to me, "If you can't do something smart, do something RIGHT."
Jayne Cobb with props to Sue: "Boy, sure would be nice if we had some grenades, donchyu think?"
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Christina
Columnist
Member # 6391
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posted
Rule #25 - If he runs off on you in the middle of a conversation, take a deep breath. It's not you and it's not him. It's someone needing help.
Rule #26- If Clark Kent dies in front of you, make a call to his parents in Smallville for advice. Hopefully they'll give you a little solace in a way you may not realize.
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CLARK: No. I'm just worried I'm a jinx.
JONATHAN: A jinx?
CLARK: Yeah. Let's face it, ever since she's known me, Lois's been kidnapped, frozen, pushed off buildings, almost stabbed, poisoned, buried alive and who knows what else, and it's all because of me.
-"Contact" (You're not her jinx, you're her blessing.)
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Lynn S. M.
Kerth
Member # 6515
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posted
Rule #27 - If you are not ready to accept his proposal, be sure to emphasize that "not yet" does NOT mean "never."
Joy,
Lynn
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Christina
Columnist
Member # 6391
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posted
Rule #28- Never, ever let him push you away, especially when affected by Red Kryptonite. He needs your help more than ever on those occasions.
Rule #29- When New Kryptonians arrive to have him come with them, be supportive but make sure he knows where you stand on the decision.
Rule #30- When Clark is injured, be worried. Very worried.
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CLARK: No. I'm just worried I'm a jinx.
JONATHAN: A jinx?
CLARK: Yeah. Let's face it, ever since she's known me, Lois's been kidnapped, frozen, pushed off buildings, almost stabbed, poisoned, buried alive and who knows what else, and it's all because of me.
-"Contact" (You're not her jinx, you're her blessing.)
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Mouserocks
Top Banana
Member # 8621
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posted
Rule #31 - If approached by an older English gentleman claiming to be HG Wells, and Clark decides to follow him, don't hesitate to go along. Chances are you've done it before and you'll do it again. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Rule #32 - Clark is your soulmate. Knowing that may save you a lot of grief on down the road and make forgiveness easier to find.
Rule #33 - Yes, forgiveness will be necessary in your relationship. Refer to rules containing the words "lunkhead" or "stubborn".
Rule #34 - Clark is a v... very patient man. Patience, however unlikely, may be necessary on your side as well. Keep that in mind before jumping his bones. It may just save you. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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"The world is a mess and I just need to rule it." -- Dr. Horrible
"Everyone's a hero in their own way, In their own not-that-heroic way!" -- Captain Hammer
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
Rule #35 - Though he may seem be two sides of the coin, he's very jealous of his Super side. Make sure you let him know that you love his Clark side more. (repeat as often as necessary)
Rule #36 - When going anywhere outside of Metropolis (and sometime within), please take him along with you.
Rule #37 - If he seems to be psychic, it's only because he has super hearing and he's been listening in on your conversations.
- #37B - Never say anything outloud you wouldn't want Clark to hear (unless you know he's safely out of town).
Rule #38 - Be careful what you inadvertantly wish for, unless you really, really want it. This applies to (but not limited by): snow from the Andees, huge bars of Swiss chocolate, pearls from Japan, or enough French cheese to last you a year.
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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Lynn S. M.
Kerth
Member # 6515
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posted
Rule #39 - Clark may wear leaded glasses only when he is in his civvies, but his rose-coloured glasses never come off.
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Deadly Chakram
Kerth
Member # 8595
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posted
Rule #40 - For best results, place into direct sunlight.
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Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen
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Mouserocks
Top Banana
Member # 8621
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posted
Rule #41 - Keep a 2X4 (or other heavy, blunt object of your choice) handy at all times. You never know when he may say or do something stupid and needs some sense knocked into him.
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"The world is a mess and I just need to rule it." -- Dr. Horrible
"Everyone's a hero in their own way, In their own not-that-heroic way!" -- Captain Hammer
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by Mouserocks:
Rule #41 - Keep a 2X4 (or other heavy, blunt object of your choice) handy at all times. You never know when he may say or do something stupid and needs some sense knocked into him.
Rule #41b - Or remind him that he's Superman.
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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Mouserocks
Top Banana
Member # 8621
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by VirginiaR:
quote:
Originally posted by Mouserocks:
Rule #41 - Keep a 2X4 (or other heavy, blunt object of your choice) handy at all times. You never know when he may say or do something stupid and needs some sense knocked into him.
Rule #41b - Or remind him that he's Superman.
![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif) Too true! Of course, you could always just chuck him off a roof if he forgets it... which is actually quite a big possibility.
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"The world is a mess and I just need to rule it." -- Dr. Horrible
"Everyone's a hero in their own way, In their own not-that-heroic way!" -- Captain Hammer
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SJH
Columnist
Member # 834
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posted
Waite a minute. Is Kent healthy? I mean he's all the time going to the dentist, the doctor or the bath room, never mind the video store and post office.
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"I'm red-eyed, tired and drunk" Teri Hatcher
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Lynn S. M.
Kerth
Member # 6515
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by SJH:
Waite a minute. Is Kent healthy? I mean he's all the time going to the dentist, the doctor or the bath room, never mind the video store and post office.
<chuckle> He must not be. After all, look at how many prescriptions he has to have filled. ![[Goofy]](graemlins/goofysmile.gif)
Joy,
Lynn
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SJH
Columnist
Member # 834
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posted
I finally figured out why Kent is at the dentist so much: he loves junk food.
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"I'm red-eyed, tired and drunk" Teri Hatcher
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Lynn S. M.
Kerth
Member # 6515
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by SJH:
I finally figured out why Kent is at the dentist so much: he loves junk food.
![[Lol]](graemlins/laugh2.gif) ![[Clap]](graemlins/clap.gif)
Now there's a humorous story waiting to be written. Clark gets kryptonite poisoning which results in his losing his powers for a few months. During that time, he gains weight and gets a toothache. Of course, by the end of the story, he'd be full powered and trim again. But in the meantime, he would be subjected to his first ever dentist appointment and would have to work out at the gym.
He'd get to see how the other half lived.
Joy,
Lynn
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
Originally posted by SJH:
quote:
Rule #42 If your boyfriend has a barber named Waldo, said boyfriend is either very confident or he knows people who know people.
RULE # 43 Always take Waldo's phone calls.
(All I changed was the Rule # when transferring from the Rules for living with Lois thread)
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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Rule #44: Ethics lesson: While it is acceptable for you to x-ray his butt to check out his underwear; please remind him, it is not acceptable for him to x-ray your butt to check out yours. Nor for him to suggest that he could x-ray through your non-lead-lined clothing.
Today's double standard, brought to this list from Deadly Chakram's addition to the Rules for Lois list.
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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Shallowford
Hack from Nowheresville
Member # 6506
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posted
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Shallowford
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Deadly Chakram
Kerth
Member # 8595
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posted
quote:
Today's double standard, brought to this list from Deadly Chakram's addition to the Rules for Lois list.
![[Mecry]](graemlins/mecry.gif)
<That would be me, laughing so hard that I am crying>
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Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by Shallowford:
Rule #45: If Ultrawoman comes to town, use any means necessary to ensure that Lady Zara is nowhere to be found.
I hope you don't mind but I'm moving this over to the rule for Clark over on the Lois Lane Rules side.
If you wanted to rewrite this rule for Lois, perhaps this change might work: If Lady Zara comes to town and you've got Superman's powers (i.e. you're Ultra Woman), best if you stay away from her. Clark won't like if it you kill anyone, even if they deserve it.
Just another reminder for the confused.
THIS list is written by Clark Kent for Alt-Clark on best way to woo Lois, keep her happy & safe, and stop her from driving Clark crazy (if possible).
As opposed to:
THIS (as in the one you are currently reading) list is (I'm assuming) the same for Lois Lane (or Alt-Lois) for managing Clark/Superman (alt-Clark). (My assumption is based that I only started the other list, not this one. )
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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Lara Joelle Kent
Kerth
Member # 1873
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posted
#46: Never say anything bad about small town people - you might be insulting his parents.
#47: Don't let him stop you from anything. If you do it anyway, he'll just go along.
#48: You'll learn that "flyboy" is one step up from "farmboy".
#49: Let him do the household chores. They'll get done much faster, and leave more time for much nicer occupations.
#50: Never try to give him a hickey.
#51: Don't believe everything he tells you.
#51a: If it's a lame excuse, don't believe it.
#51b: However, if what he tells you sounds rather outrageous, it's probably true. (Like him being able to order breakfast in over 200 languages, or him having learned ballroom dancing from a Nigerian princess, or your fiancé being a criminal mastermind...)
#52: If you want to save money on airfare, steal his glasses and take a good look at his face.
#53: Don't jump to conclusions when you find your boss in Clark's closet. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
#54: Trust me. He's not interested in Cat Grant.
#55: Don't steal Clark's story - you will regret it.
#55a: If you do steal his story, avoid the Metropolis Sewage Reclamation Facility like the plague.
#55b: If you don't, at least pack enough mosquito repellant to last you a life time and be sure to have some clothes at work that you can change into.
#56: When he gives you a completely strange suggestion for a leading question in an important interview - just go with it. (Even if it's about baseball.)
#57: Don't worry about introducing him to your family, they won't be able to scare him off.
#58: If there's something you don't want Clark to know, don't tell Superman about it - they're close. Very close.
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The only known quantity that moves faster than
light is the office grapevine. (from Nan's fabulous Home series
(The sketch and original lines for my avatar were done by Jennabob)
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lara Joelle Kent:
#50: Never try to give him a hickey.
![[Rotflol]](graemlins/rotflol.gif) Well, she can try...
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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Deadly Chakram
Kerth
Member # 8595
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posted
#59 - If Clark happens to get shot in front of you, please note the absence of any blood. Now, think long and hard about what that means.
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Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen
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Deadly Chakram
Kerth
Member # 8595
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posted
#60 - If Clark is ever sick, be very, *very* worried.
#61 - Do not let Clark train to duel in your apartment unless you *like* having the place look like World War III.
#61a - If you *do* allow the above, please be sure to remove your fragile/irreplacable items.
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Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
Rule #62 - Keep away from Jason Trask, Bureau 39, faux EPA agents, and lie detectors.
Rule #63 - Keep away from Lex Luthor; Clark might try to heal Lex if he gets shot. Best to just let Luthor die. (Just trust me on this one.)
Rule #64 - Keep away from Perry's son, Jerry White.
Rule #65 - Keep away from anyone with the last name Newtrich.
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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Deadly Chakram
Kerth
Member # 8595
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posted
Rule #66 - Patience is a virtue. Remind him to spin *out* of the suit before getting amorous.
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Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by Deadly Chakram:
Rule #66 - Patience is a virtue. Remind him to spin *out* of the suit before getting amorous.
Other than in SLV does he ever forget this?
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
Rule #67 - Clark has his own set of "rules" (code, creed, whatever) that he lives by:
#67a - Thou shall not kill a human (no matter how much they deserve it).
#67b - Thou shall not harm a human (no matter how much they deserve it).
#67c - Thou shall be honest (unless trying to hide one's secret identity, especially from anyone named Lois).
#67d - Thou shall follow the laws of the land (unless working with Lois on an investigative reporting assignment).
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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Deadly Chakram
Kerth
Member # 8595
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by VirginiaR:
quote:
Originally posted by Deadly Chakram:
Rule #66 - Patience is a virtue. Remind him to spin *out* of the suit before getting amorous.
Other than in SLV does he ever forget this?
No, but that was almost an epic disaster.
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Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen
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Deadly Chakram
Kerth
Member # 8595
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posted
Rule #68 - Clark may be able to speak 347 languages fluently, but his accents can be quite bad.
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Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by Deadly Chakram:
Rule #68 - Clark may be able to speak 347 languages fluently, but his accents can be quite bad.
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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SJH
Columnist
Member # 834
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posted
Rule#69 Clark,sweetie, those little black box things with wires sticking out of them are explosive devices,not fresh veggies. You dont have to swallow them.Also not a good idea to set on one- an explosive device or fresh veggies.
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"I'm red-eyed, tired and drunk" Teri Hatcher
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Lara Joelle Kent
Kerth
Member # 1873
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posted
I think this (#69) belongs in the Lois list.
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The only known quantity that moves faster than
light is the office grapevine. (from Nan's fabulous Home series
(The sketch and original lines for my avatar were done by Jennabob)
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lara Joelle Kent:
I think this (#69) belongs in the Lois list.
Nope. It belongs here. Lois Rules are rules about living with Lois. This rule, although speaking directly to Clark , tells Clark not to eat bombs... or sit on them --definitely about Clark. It doesn't really help him with Lois.
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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Lara Joelle Kent
Kerth
Member # 1873
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posted
Huh? All other rules in this list are for Lois on how to live with Clark. This rule, however, is for Clark on how to live. (With or without Lois.)
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The only known quantity that moves faster than
light is the office grapevine. (from Nan's fabulous Home series
(The sketch and original lines for my avatar were done by Jennabob)
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lara Joelle Kent:
Huh? All other rules in this list are for Lois on how to live with Clark. This rule, however, is for Clark on how to live. (With or without Lois.)
LJK, Perhaps we (or Lynn who started this list) can recommend an edit to make it work for this list.
Maybe edit the voice to Lois's or change it to have her say, "Tell Clark:
quote:
Clark, sweetie, those little black box things with wires sticking out of them are explosive devices, not fresh veggies. You don't have to swallow them. Also not a good idea to sit on one - an explosive device or fresh veggies.
Does that work better for you?
Or do we need this be Rule #1 of a new List. "How to be the Best Superman Ever" ![[Peep]](graemlins/peepwall.gif) as compiled by Clark Kent's friends? (as this one could easily have been submitted by Martha.)
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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SJH
Columnist
Member # 834
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posted
Gee, I didn't I want the guy to hurt himself is all.If changing something works-why not? ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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"I'm red-eyed, tired and drunk" Teri Hatcher
Posts: 623 | From: floor 13 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Lynn S. M.
Kerth
Member # 6515
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posted
Although I prefer the humour in the original phrasing, the following phrasing would conform more to the other items on this list. Will it do?
69. Clark may confuse those little black box things with wires sticking out of them with fresh veggies. If so, remind him that they are explosive devices and he doesn't have to swallow them. Also remind him that it is not a good idea to sit on one - an explosive device or fresh veggies.
Joy,
Lynn
edit: I see Virginia beat me to the punch, and her version is closer to the original than mine. (Although I must admit that when I first read the rule, I heard Martha's voice, rather than Lois', giving that advice.)
Posts: 2034 | From: Delaware | Registered: Feb 2010
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VirginiaR
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Member # 8444
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posted
Rule #70 - Remind Clark he needs to take a day off every once in a while.
- Ways to distract Clark into taking a day off from his Super duties:
#70a - take off a day from work yourself (Take a deep breath. It's okay; you can do this. The world probably won't end),
#70b - go with him to a deserted island and bet him he can't use his powers for the day,
#70c - marry him,
#70d - visit Smallville,
#70e - rent a harem costume
Rule # 71 - It takes a lot for Clark to have a bad day. His bad days tend to be worse than everyone else’s.
71a - Make sure you remind him that it's not his fault when someone dies.
71b - Stay with him. He really doesn't want to be alone, even if he says he does.
71c - Hold him until he feels better.
Rule #72 - If Clark (or Superman) seems not to care anymore, check surrounding area for red glowing rocks.
#72a - See Rule #65.
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VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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Deadly Chakram
Kerth
Member # 8595
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posted
#73 - Clark Kent may be a mild-mannered reporter, but that doesn't mean he'll allow you to walk all over him...(at least, not all of the time).
#74 - If you ever steal his story, he *will* get even. And you will not enjoy it. See #73.
#75 - Before condemming him for keeping secrets from you, walk...err fly...a mile in his shoes. A red Kryptonite laser will do the trick.
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Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen
Posts: 2480 | From: Connecticut | Registered: May 2011
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Deadly Chakram
Kerth
Member # 8595
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posted
#76 - It's best if you keep Dr. Klein on speed dial.
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Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen
Posts: 2480 | From: Connecticut | Registered: May 2011
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