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#32715 09/14/06 08:42 AM
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Feedback thread for All Weathered Out (2/?)

Hope you liked it! blush


Superman: Why is it that good villains never die?
Batman: Clark, what the hell are good villains?
=> Superman/Batman: Public Enemies
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Livewire! A new superpowered person with blue hair! This will be fun. smile And the other one, Wizard, he seems like a mean one already.

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As long as you claim allegiance to the Superman Revenge Squad...
The Superman Revenge Squad! Wowzers! Do Livewire and Wizard have any other friends in this little gang?

Reading a little farther along... apparently they do. Metallo?!

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she turned into a lightning bolt and disappeared into an electric outlet.
Now *that's* what I call a neat trick!

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"Oh... huh... I didn't know which was your favorite, so I grabbed one of every kind," she explained
Yeah, sure, Lois, those are all for Clark. Uh huh.

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How was it she could make that whole ice cream eating experience look like something... well... erotic?!
I bet that'll make Clark forget his problems for a little while. laugh

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It's preventing germs from entering my organism as we speak.
Organism might not be the best word to use here. Technically it works, but it just doesn't sound quite right. (Hope that's ok, I just remember that you have asked about wording in the past.)

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You'll also need to stay completely out of the sunlight, until further notice
Where is he going to go, a cave? Do they expect him to line his apartment windows with black felt like WW2 Britain? Of course, they don't realize he even has an apartment! They probably do expect him to go hide in a cave!

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As soon as the superhero was gone, she'd get rid of the Weather Wizard, she vowed. All she had to do was crush his stupid wand... And then she could rule over Metropolis. Yes! She would control the city herself!
Dun dun DUN!

I am enjoying your story, Lara. Thank you for writing it!


lisa in the sky with diamonds
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I really like the angle you are taking with this episode. SRS sounds really sound evil. Lois sure is bubbley around Clark - it's cute Oh, Clark. drool I'll be following this one.


I've converted to lurk-ism... hopefully only temporary.
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Great part!!

Loved this....

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How was it she could make that whole ice cream eating experience look like something... well... erotic?!
Great twist!

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When asked if he would submit to the court and cease using all his super powers, Superman unfortunately had to tell her that it was impossible for him to do that.
Well, Judge Diggs, et al, let's just put his life in danger, shall we?

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And... you'll also need to stay completely out of the sunlight, until further notice.
I agree with Mrs. Mosley on this:

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It's preventing germs from entering my organism as we speak.
Organism some how makes him sound evil... or else a simplistic one celled.. well, organism.

How about ...entering my body as we... OR ...entering my very being as we....

laugh


~~Even heroes have the right to dream.~~
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ah dang... organism doesn't sound right? shoot. frown My dictionary says it's a body which is made up of organs... it looked OK to me. aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! I hate that my vocabulary is so limited!

How does "system" sound instead? Would that be better?

Thanks for pointing these things out to me, btw, I really appreciate it - don't hesitate to correct me when I'm wrong, it's always helpful. smile


Superman: Why is it that good villains never die?
Batman: Clark, what the hell are good villains?
=> Superman/Batman: Public Enemies
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Here are some further word choices for you (sorry to invade your thread w/o actual fdk)

I like body or being but here are some other choices too:

Essence
Core
Nature


Smile and the world smiles with you ... frown and you're just giving yourself wrinkles.
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Your dictionary is right, Lara, it's just that "organism" isn't usually applied to humans. Normally you only see that word in science context, when talking about, I don't know, bacteria or something like that. smile

Your next suggestion of "system" is better, but it still sounds kind of funny. That's also a word that people don't normally use when speaking of themselves.

The word most people would use in a sentence like the one in the story would be simply "body":

"It's preventing germs from entering my body as we speak."

And I think you have a great vocabulary. Your English is a million times better than my non-existent French!


lisa in the sky with diamonds
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System sounds very cold and clinical. I'm not sure that a person would say that about themselves, but they might.

I also like DJ's suggestion of essence, but it almost has a feeling of talking about his soul instead of his actual body.

Another suggestion would be to say... It's preventing germs from entering my person as we speak. I agree with Mrs. Mosley that saying body is probaly best. The suggestion I had of 'very being' is a tiny bit on the dramatic side.

Hey, your vocabulary is pretty darn good if you ask me.


~~Even heroes have the right to dream.~~
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Great part, Lara. I really want to know who those villains are!!!! Please write more soon.

And how about writing in German, wink organism would have been the perfectly approriate word. laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh You know I'm just kidding!


It's never too dark to be cool. cool
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smile Thanks guys!

I'm going to change it into:

It's preventing germs from invading my body as we speak.

I'm glad you all think my English is ok. I mean, I know it's good enough that unless I tell people it's not my first language I'm fairly certain I can fool most into thinking it is... I barely have an accent, even. wink I grew up in the English part of town, after all. When we were teenagers, my brother and I spoke English at home, just to annoy our parents. wink It's just sometimes with things like this, it'll sound acceptable because it's close to what it would be in French so it's like it gets lost in translation (mind you, I don't translate these things, I actually think and write in English to begin with...)

Just my vocabulary is limited (ie: I don't know as many English words as I do French ones) so I spend A LOT of time on Answers.com and Thesaurus.com wink it's a good thing these places are free or I'd be flat broke!!

Again, thanks for the help. And the feedback!! I'm glad you guys are enjoying the story so far. There are a few nice little things to come that I've got a feeling you're going to like. smile


Superman: Why is it that good villains never die?
Batman: Clark, what the hell are good villains?
=> Superman/Batman: Public Enemies

Moderated by  Kaylle, SuperBek 

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