Ambivalenceby Nivafrer
Rated T to be on the safe side
Notes: A) It's always driven me crazy-go-nuts that L&C just bounce back emotionally and relationally after the Luthor-Lane wedding fiasco. Personally, I think Clark especially deserves a little more time to work through all that vs. jumping straight into taking care of Lois. So that's where I'm headed in this fic. B) I'm looking for a beta. I hate to post when it's unfinished, but such is life. Realistically, if I don't start posting this somewheres it ain't gonna get finished. I've got the first 80 pages written, which is at about the halfway point. I like my betas to push me as an author vs. check for typos/punctuation, but mostly I need someone who cares enough whether the story gets finished or not to ask about it regularly
So if anyone is interested, please let me know!!
**********
One painful step at a time Clark staggered up and out of the LexCorp building. Free. By the skin of his teeth, he'd escaped Luthor's Kryptonite cage, powerless, and, he suspected, mere minutes from death. Lois had saved him, or at least his desperation to save her had goaded him to save himself. Cops surrounded the place. Perry and Henderson must have managed to stop Lois's wedding to Luthor. And now that the police were here, now what? He could go inside, find Lois, and—
Clark's breath caught in his chest as Lois came out the front doors. She was beautiful in her wedding dress. Beautiful for him, he reminded himself. For Luthor. Not you. She'd chosen Superman's arch enemy over her supposed best friend. He sagged against the side of the building, trying to dredge up enough strength to walk over to her. Her shoulders slumped as Perry gently guided her out of the building.
"I've always been such a good judge of character," Lois wailed to Perry.
Clark stiffened as her words twisted the knife she'd plunged into his heart, slamming him back to the reality of their situation. Such a good judge of character. Such a good judge that she'd refused to listen to Clark when he'd warned her about Luthor. Such a good judge that she would trust Luthor's word over his. Such a good judge that she would love Superman even if he were "an ordinary man living an ordinary life."
"Oh, Lois," Clark murmured. She never could be wrong. He knew she was far from as confident as she portrayed herself. She was obviously hurting and part of him longed to sweep her up into his arms and shelter her from the pain he knew she was feeling. Normally, he would have been able to push his emotions aside and do just that. The fact that she hadn't married Luthor didn't change his own personal hell: half of him her "god in a cape" that she was "so completely in love with" and half of him the hack from Nowheresville that she "just didn't feel that way about." They'd saved her from Luthor, but he had no idea what to do next.
"Where's Clark?" she cried.
Clark stayed where he was.
"We're not sure, honey. We haven't seen him in two days," Perry said somberly, pulling Lois into a hug.
The crowd gasped and pointed up. Clark couldn't see anything from where he stood.
"Lex! No!" Lois cried.
Luthor must be in trouble. Clark tried to lift off, but his body was as weighted as his heart.
Lois hid her face against Perry. Luthor's body thumped to the concrete.
It was over.
Clark mourned the waste of a life, but even so, a part of him was savagely glad Luthor had precluded any hope of rescue. If he'd lived, they would have spent the rest of their lives with one eye open.
Perry bundled Lois into a car. Jimmy and Jack got in, and they drove off. Good. Lois had escaped most of the press, at least for now. Perry would take care of her.
What about him? He needed to leave before someone recognized him. But go where? He wanted to crawl in a hole and sleep for about a week. And there was no way he had the energy to explain where he'd been for the past two days. Perry was too sharp-eyed to accept anything vague. In fact, maybe he'd better leave a message for Perry now, before they could return to his apartment. He walked to a payphone and dialed his own number.
"Hey guys, it's Clark. I, uh, heard the latest about Luthor. Sorry I missed out on the end of the investigation. I'll check back in a couple of days. Feel free to stay at my place."
He hung up the phone. It'd been tempting to just disappear and he still might. But he couldn't do that to Perry and Jimmy and Jack. Running was second nature, or had been until he'd met Lois. And now she tied him here… and pushed him away.
Enough thinking. Enough feeling. He held his breath for a moment, trying to still the pain. A cab. A place to stay. Pay in cash so he couldn't be traced, in case he did decide to disappear. He knew the drill.
**********
Clark sighed. Now that he was checked into the hotel, he should probably call his parents, just in case someone tried to reach him there. He dialed the Kansas farmhouse.
"Hello," his mother's voice came through the phone.
"Hey, Mom," he said tiredly.
"Clark, you sound terrible. Are you okay?"
The corners of his mouth turned up. He never could put anything past his mother. "I don't know. I just thought I'd call you before anyone else did. I've been out of touch with everyone for the past couple of days."
"Oh?"
He paused, trying to come up with some gentle way to tell her. There was none. "Luthor had Kryptonite."
He could hear his mother fumble with the phone, then yell for his father. "Oh, honey, what happened? Do you need us to come out?"
His father picked up the extension. "Son, are you hurt?"
"No, Mom," he said. There was no point in them coming, nothing they could do for him—nothing anyone could do. "I'm okay, Dad," he hedged. "Luthor trapped Superman in a Kryptonite cage and held him there for the past two days." Even without super powers, Clark could hear his mother's sharply indrawn breath.
"A cage? How could he?" Martha said, her voice shaking.
Clark thought it was probably good for Luthor that he was dead. Otherwise his mother would be after him. Martha might be small, but she was a fierce woman, especially when her protective instincts were aroused.
"Where are you? Are you safe?" Jonathan asked.
Something uncoiled in Clark's chest in the face of his parents' concern. They hadn't been able to keep him safe for a long time, but they still made him feel safe. "Yeah. Luthor's dead now. I'm laying low for a while," Clark said.
"Wasn't the wedding supposed to be today? Is Lois okay?" Martha asked shrewdly.
"I don't really know. Perry's taking care of her," Clark said. He could practically hear the wheels turning in his mother's brain. "I don't want to talk about it right now, Mom. I'm exhausted. Superman doesn't have any powers, and he's not sure if they'll come back or not."
"They came back before," Jonathan said.
Clark raked a hand through his hair. "That wasn't—it's different this time. That was minutes. This was two days."
"What happened to the cage?" Martha asked.
"It's still there," he said, his stomach lurching at the thought. "I guess I should-do something about it…."
"You can't go near that thing!" Martha protested.
"Yeah." Clark thought for a minute. Someone did need to do something about it. "Maybe Henderson can take care of it. I trust him," he said finally.
"Okay, son, as long as you think he'll keep Kryptonite a secret," Jonathan said, worry lacing his tone.
"Jonathan, he can't just leave it out for someone else to get!"
"I'm just saying be careful," his dad assured her.
"I will be, Dad. I'm beat. I'll call you guys later, okay?"
"Okay. Love you, honey. If you need us to come—" his mother began.
"I'll let you know," Clark said quickly. "Love you too, Mom."
"Love you, son."
"Love you too, Dad. Bye."
**********
Clark hung up the phone and groaned. He wished he could just forget the blasted cage. But his parents were right—that'd be asking for trouble. And even though moving was the last thing he wanted to do, there was no way he was going to call Henderson from his hotel room.
He found a phone booth a couple of blocks away. Henderson may or may not have left LexCorp. He called Henderson's direct line, hoping he wouldn't have to do more to chase the man down.
"Henderson."
Clark had never been so glad to hear the laconic inspector's voice. Glancing around once more he didn't see anyone close enough to hear, so, adopting his Superman tone, he plunged in, "Inspector Henderson, this is Superman. Is this line secure?"
"Just a moment," Henderson said. Clark guessed that he was closing his office door. "Superman, to what do I owe the pleasure?"
"I heard you were at LexCorp earlier today."
"I was. I have to admit, I expected to see you there too—not that anyone will be too broken up over Luthor's death."
"Trust me, if I could have saved him, I would have," Clark said seriously.
"If you could have? I suppose even you can't be everywhere," Henderson said.
Clark could almost see the man's raised eyebrow. "Indeed. I always regret those I can't get to in time." He took a deep breath, trying to keep his impersonal superhero persona in place. "I am, however, calling with regards to one of Luthor's possessions."
"Oh?"
"Inspector Henderson, it is of the utmost importance that you keep this to yourself," Clark began.
"I can't promise that without knowing anything more, but I'd say the MPD owes you, Superman."
Clark hesitated, then gave in. After all, he didn't really have any other options. "Have you ever heard of Kryptonite?"
"Can't say that I have."
"It's a green, glowing meteorite from my home planet. And it's poisonous."
Clark heard Henderson's chair squeak as though the man were leaning forward suddenly. "Poisonous?"
"Not to humans. Only to Kryptonians."
"Poisonous to you then?"
"Yes. Luthor had a cage coated with it," Clark said, trying to keep the trembling out of his voice. To have been treated like an animal, tortured in so many ways—well, he suspected it would be some time before he could even say "cage" without feeling ill. He forced himself to continue. "He may have had other pieces."
"I saw the cage."
Clark heard something in Henderson's voice—disgust? And maybe compassion? "Do you think you can dispose of it, quietly? Lead will block the radiation. I'd hate for any other criminals to get their hands on it."
Henderson was quiet for a moment, then sighed. "Yeah, Superman. As I said, the MPD owes you."
"Thank you, Inspector. If you find any pieces, would you seal them in a lead box and give them to Clark Kent?"
"I'll keep an eye out."
"Thank you, Inspector. I'll let Clark know that you may be contacting him. I appreciate your help and secrecy in this matter."
**********
Clark felt a little bit better after wrapping up that loose end. Now he just wanted sleep, hours and hours of it. Despite being bone weary, however, sleep proved elusive. He couldn't stop thinking about what would come after sleep, what would come tomorrow—whether he would return to his apartment, whether he would see Lois. Someone else's options would be simple. Someone else could stay or go. He wasn't someone else. Superman might be gone forever, but he couldn't count on that.
His head hurt, from the Kryptonite or from trying to make sense of the past few weeks; he didn't know. There had to be a way for it to make sense. There had to be a way to sort through his options. Lois would be making a list. Maybe it was worth a try. Her lists always seemed to somehow pull diverse facts and create a whole.
He flipped the light back on, grabbed the ubiquitous hotel notepad and began writing. Clark could leave and Superman could stay. Clark could stay and Superman could leave. Both could stay. Both could go. And then of course, there was the reality that nagged at him: if he stayed, in either guise, what about Lois? Would they try to repair their relationships, either of them? Did he want to? Did she want to? She had looked for him after her failed wedding. Good old Clark. Always-there-for-her Clark. Why the hell would he be at her wedding to another man? Of course, Perry and Jimmy and Jack had been there, but only to bring Luthor down and to save Lois. Maybe he was being unfair; Clark would have come for those kind of reasons. Maybe she had a right to expect him there.
He stopped that line of thought and started a new list. Clark could stay and have a relationship with Lois while Superman stayed and didn't have a relationship with Lois. It would solve the problem he'd created when he'd created his alter-ego. Lois had been devastated by Superman's rejection. He'd heard it in the hitch of her breath and the pound of her heartbeat as it sped up. He'd heard it in the tears she'd hidden from Superman. Maybe she'd been devastated enough to move on, to allow Clark a chance.
And yet—somehow, someday, if they were ever to have the sort of relationship he wanted, they'd have to deal with Superman's rejection. Maybe he'd best rebuild that bridge rather than burning it to the ground, at least if he decided to pursue her. And there, that was the crux of the matter: Did he want to pursue her? Did he want a woman who had been so terrible to him?
And so wonderful, his conscience reminded him.
He didn't know. He didn't know if he could bear to keep her in his life. He didn't know if he could bear to lose her again.
His fingers clenched around the list as he re-realized she'd never been his to lose. She'd been the worst sort of tease—throwing herself at him one moment and putting him down the next.
But not on purpose. She didn't know. You haven't told her that you're Superman.
Clark forced his hands to relax and smoothed out the paper once more. The reality was that he didn't know what he wanted. He hated her, hated what she'd done to him, hated what she'd done to them. He hated feeling this confused. He hated that he still loved her.
He couldn't forgive her, but he couldn't leave her.
. . . Which meant that he couldn't leave Metropolis. Until his feelings settled one way or the other, he needed to stay and try to figure things out. But that did not mean being best friends with Lois Lane. Not yet. And until his powers came back, Superman couldn't mend or burn any bridges.
