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#134845 - 01/02/12 04:14 AM Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
VirginiaR Online   content
Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 7860
Loc: USA
Inspired by MouseRocks group challenge 100 Ways to Kill Superman Challenge and 100 Ways to Kill Superman (The Final List) .

What would actually be in Michael's oft-quoted Lois Lane Manuel if canon Clark made such a book for Alt-Clark (after he found alt-Lois, of course)? Let me get us started...

Rule #1 - Never talk to Lois while making love. (you never know what stupid thing you say will cool her off.)

Rule #2 - Feed chocolate, often. More than once a day, preferably.

Rule #3 - Lois NEVER feels guilty.

Rule #4 - Always keep an eye on her, she's slippery.


Edited by VirginiaR (05/08/14 09:57 PM)
Edit Reason: Fixed broken Links
_________________________
VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
---
"clearly there is a lack of understanding between those two... he speaks Lunkheadanian and she Stubbornanian" -- chelo.

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#134846 - 01/02/12 04:25 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
Deadly Chakram Online   happy
Pulitzer

Registered: 05/22/11
Posts: 3176
Loc: Connecticut
Rule #5 - NEVER trust her when she says that she will stay out of trouble.

Rule #6 - Keep well hydrated with coffee, wine, and cream soda.
_________________________
Battle On,
Deadly Chakram

"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent

"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen

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#134847 - 01/02/12 05:05 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
VirginiaR Online   content
Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 7860
Loc: USA
Rule # 7 - DON'T let her see this list.
_________________________
VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
---
"clearly there is a lack of understanding between those two... he speaks Lunkheadanian and she Stubbornanian" -- chelo.

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#134848 - 01/02/12 05:10 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
Lynn S. M. Offline
Pulitzer

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 2642
Loc: Delaware
Rule #8 - Water her plants for her; they'll die otherwise.

Rule #9 - Even when Lois is wrong, she's right.

Rule #10 - When all else fails, refer back to rule #2.

Rule #11 - Expect Lois to be high maintenance, but she is worth it.

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#134849 - 01/02/12 05:14 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
Deadly Chakram Online   happy
Pulitzer

Registered: 05/22/11
Posts: 3176
Loc: Connecticut
Rule #12 - Just be upfront about the whole Superman thing. It'll save you a world of headaches in the long run.

Rule #13 - Don't eat Lois' food. When in doubt, order out.

Rule #14 - She's top banana.
_________________________
Battle On,
Deadly Chakram

"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent

"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen

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#134850 - 01/02/12 06:06 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
Darth Michael Offline
Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 7231
Ooooooh!

Rule #15: Chumpy is a word.

Rule #16: She cheats at poker. But don't call her on it.

wave Michael
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I go by Michael on the Archives.

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#134851 - 01/02/12 06:15 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
Lynn S. M. Offline
Pulitzer

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 2642
Loc: Delaware
Rule #17 - Never get between Lois and a story.

Rule #18 - Don't let her hold any food intended for Bobby Bigmouth.

Rule #19 - No matter how ridiculous her hunch sounds, take it seriously. More often than not, she's right.

Rule #20 - Lois doesn't always follow her three rules to live by.

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#134852 - 01/02/12 03:15 PM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
Deadly Chakram Online   happy
Pulitzer

Registered: 05/22/11
Posts: 3176
Loc: Connecticut
Rule #21 - Keep away from people named Dan.

Rule #22 - Keep away from people named Lex.

Rule #23 - Keep away from people named Maxwell - especially if they are a doctor.

Rule #24 - Remember. As fragile as your own heart is, so is her own. She's had a rough life.
_________________________
Battle On,
Deadly Chakram

"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent

"It's all weird! We live in Metropolis!" ~ Jimmy Olsen

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#134853 - 01/03/12 04:57 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
VirginiaR Online   content
Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 7860
Loc: USA
Rule # 25 - Actually, don't trust anyone attracted to Lois. For some reason, she’s a slime-magnet.

(Yes, I recognize the irony of that statement. laugh )
_________________________
VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
---
"clearly there is a lack of understanding between those two... he speaks Lunkheadanian and she Stubbornanian" -- chelo.

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#134854 - 01/03/12 06:20 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
Mouserocks Offline
Top Banana

Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 1489
Loc: California
Rule #26 - If Lois says she's not up to anything, she's lying. She usually is. Feel free to stalk from a reasonable distance.

Rule #27 - In case stalking backfires, run. Or come up with lame excuse and run. If in Superman outfit, fake an emergecy.
_________________________
Castle: Every morning I bring you a cup of coffee, just so I can see a smile on your face. Because I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating, person I've ever met. And I love you Kate...
(sounds like Clark, huh?)

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#134855 - 01/03/12 02:07 PM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
shimauma Offline
Features Writer

Registered: 02/17/07
Posts: 879
Rule #28 - be careful with her skull. She may seem thickheaded sometimes, but a bump on the noggin will make her forget the best guy in the universe is her boyfriend...twice... razz

TEEEEEEJ
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Jayne Cobb: Shepherd Book once said to me, "If you can't do something smart, do something RIGHT!

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#134856 - 01/03/12 07:10 PM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
Framework4 Offline
Merriwether

Registered: 12/03/05
Posts: 1802
Loc: Portland, Oregon, USA
Rule 29 Quit looking at her legs or you'll never get any work done.
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#134857 - 01/04/12 12:50 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
Christina Online   content
Top Banana

Registered: 01/17/10
Posts: 1064
Loc: Cape Girardeau
Rule #30: Give Lois a break with the suit, she may find you a little too irresistible. Attempt to save all hints at nookie for the bedroom (and that includes all attempts at seduction.)

Rule #31: Failing that, make sure all original photographs and evidence of said nookie is destroyed immediately. Saving it in a little box in your bedroom may not be enough.

Rule #32: Wait until Wells gives you two the ok (I know you don't want to wait but unless you do you'll lose her and your worst fears will be confirmed.)

Rule #33: Make sure she gets to accept you as a friend, but don't forget to leave hints that you're more than a little attracted to her.

*sheesh these feel like they're much harder, don't they?*
_________________________
CLARK: No. I'm just worried I'm a jinx.
JONATHAN: A jinx?
CLARK: Yeah. Let's face it, ever since she's known me, Lois's been kidnapped, frozen, pushed off buildings, almost stabbed, poisoned, buried alive and who knows what else, and it's all because of me.
-"Contact" (You're not her jinx, you're her blessing.)

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#134858 - 01/04/12 11:36 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
VirginiaR Online   content
Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 7860
Loc: USA
Quote:
Originally posted by Christina:
*sheesh these feel like they're much harder, don't they?*
Harder than the Clark Rules? Or harder than killing Superman off? wink


Rule #34 - Double Fudge Crunch Bars are your friend. Keep a box of them in your drawer for emergencies. (Don't tell Lois!)

Rule #35 - Lois does not like odd or strange gifts / art, especially sent anonymously.

Rule #36 - Do not make angry. Stay calm. No sudden movements. I know it will be tempting to fly off - don't!

Rule #37 - Do feed after midnight. Do get wet. (Repeat)
_________________________
VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
---
"clearly there is a lack of understanding between those two... he speaks Lunkheadanian and she Stubbornanian" -- chelo.

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#134859 - 01/04/12 05:16 PM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
Christina Online   content
Top Banana

Registered: 01/17/10
Posts: 1064
Loc: Cape Girardeau
Rule #38- If sprayed with a love perfume, do not allow yourself to be in close proximity to her for extended periods of time.

Rule #38a-Consequences include long nights pacing your living room from ceiling to floor and an eventual breakdown in your desire to keep your friendship intact in favor of making love to her (and possibly losing her in the process.)

(I think I mean it's harder than writing the ways to kill Superman.)

Rule #39- When Lois really is on top (i.e. the boss) at work, don't let her either push you away or overwork herself. She really does need you now more than ever.

Rule #40- Do get her gifts but make certain that she knows they would only be the kind of gifts you can give (that way there is no mistaking who they came from.)
_________________________
CLARK: No. I'm just worried I'm a jinx.
JONATHAN: A jinx?
CLARK: Yeah. Let's face it, ever since she's known me, Lois's been kidnapped, frozen, pushed off buildings, almost stabbed, poisoned, buried alive and who knows what else, and it's all because of me.
-"Contact" (You're not her jinx, you're her blessing.)

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#134860 - 01/05/12 02:28 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
VirginiaR Online   content
Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 7860
Loc: USA
Rule #41 - 9 times out of 10 Lois will want to drive. Let her. She knows the basic traffic laws, but this does not mean she will follow them.

Rule #42 - Anytime Lois offers to take you out for pasta, accept, and enjoy any said consequences.

Rule #43 - Do not let Lois and Ellen or Sam Lane (or both) hang out together alone for longer than 1/2 hour at a time unsupervised.

Rule #44 - The only time she'll ever let you put her on a leash is when she's pretending to be your concubine. (Don't ask!)

Rule #45 - If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd - check DNA and make sure she hasn't been replaced by a clone.
- #45A - If she has been replaced by a clone, see Rule #22 for who has probably kidnapped the real Lois.
- #45B - If she has not been replaced by a clone, see Rules #46 - #48.

Rule #46 - If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd - check to make sure she doesn't have amnesia.
- #46A - If she has amnesia, see Rules #22 & #23.
- #46B - If she does not have amnesia, see Rules #45, #47, & #48.

Rule #47 - If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd - her mind may be held hostage by Lex Luthor's son, Lex Jr., follow her and destroy his Neuroscanner machine to free her mind.
- #47A - If her mind isn't being held hostage by the Neuroscanner, please see Rules #45-46, & #48.

Rule #48 - If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd - and you two have visited a Virtual Reality experience video game recently, double check that both of you have actually left the game.
- #48A - If you aren't stuck in a VR game, please see Rules #45-47.

Rule #49 - From the moment Lois agrees to marry you until the moment you consummate said marriage (see Rule #32)
- #49A - Do not let Lois out of your sight;
- #49B - Make sure said marriage happens ASAP, so that it does not get postponed by either of your ex's.
_________________________
VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
---
"clearly there is a lack of understanding between those two... he speaks Lunkheadanian and she Stubbornanian" -- chelo.

Top
#134861 - 01/17/12 09:11 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
VirginiaR Online   content
Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 7860
Loc: USA
Rule #50 - If you decide to take Lois on a romantic weekend to a private island resort, leave the blue suit at home.
- #50a - Check out the location before hand for criminal masterminds living nearby.
- #50b - Take her camping instead.
_________________________
VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
---
"clearly there is a lack of understanding between those two... he speaks Lunkheadanian and she Stubbornanian" -- chelo.

Top
#134862 - 01/18/12 02:57 PM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
Mouserocks Offline
Top Banana

Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 1489
Loc: California
Rule #51 - Do not ever- and I repeat, EVER- expect or attempt to put Lois on a leash. She will almost surely never listen and the backlash will be fiercely painful.
~ Rule #51b - The only exception to this rule is if she is acting as your concubine. If you don't know what this means, then don't ask. :p

Rule #52 - Lois enjoys a good costume, if the whole Superman-thing isn't a dead giveaway. Be patient with her no matter what she decides to wear- whether she's dressed up as a man or in a rather revealing harem costume.
~ Rule #52b - Lois in disguise usually gets good results, no matter her purpose. Consider yourself duly warned.
_________________________
Castle: Every morning I bring you a cup of coffee, just so I can see a smile on your face. Because I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating, person I've ever met. And I love you Kate...
(sounds like Clark, huh?)

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#134863 - 01/25/12 06:11 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
VirginiaR Online   content
Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 7860
Loc: USA
Rule #53 - Don't ever, under any circumstances, use the memory wipe kiss on Lois. You want her with all her memories at all times. (See Rules #22, #23, and #46)
_________________________
VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
---
"clearly there is a lack of understanding between those two... he speaks Lunkheadanian and she Stubbornanian" -- chelo.

Top
#134864 - 02/21/12 08:38 AM Re: Lois Lane 101 - Rules to Live By
VirginiaR Online   content
Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 7860
Loc: USA
bump. We're only at 53. Come on, people, surely we can find 47 more rules with living/dealing with Lois Lane for Alt-Clark. wink
_________________________
VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
---
"clearly there is a lack of understanding between those two... he speaks Lunkheadanian and she Stubbornanian" -- chelo.

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