For those of you who don't know me, my name is Lex Luthor. You may be familiar with my past, my life to date - I, who was once the greatest and most powerful man in Metropolis, am now reduced to nothing. Forced to live in a tiny, stinking bunker underneath the Metropolitan Train Station, living on air, with only the rats for company. There, I have carved a home from myself - I have no needs save a desk, an armchair, and a laptop with Internet connections.

Forced there by a certain boy-in-blue.

You may be wondering how I, being from another universe (yes, I know about alternate universes, soul-tracking, and all of that mediocrity - no need to go into lengthy explanations) am able to access your computer data. An admirable fellow it was who made it possible - a Mr. Tempus, who most obligingly opened a 'time-window' of sorts [unfortunately this excellent man had a rather unfortunate accident soon after when he ran into a bullet - but the less said about that the better] which, though unable to take a human life force, was made a regular treat with the help of my illegitimate son, Jaxon Xavier's extensive computer programming. Though I am unable to visit your interesting universe, I nonetheless have the access to every single tidbit of information available to all of you people, and so am able to retrieve the information stored on both this website and it's apparent base - the 'archive', otherwise known as lcficmbs.com

I must say, you people have dissatisfied me. Disappointingly, you seem to share the abysmal notion that taints my world - the idea that this 'Superman', the alien, the interloper, the manipulator, the dictator, who hides behind a theatrical mask of cloying ethics and standards, is a decent, moral, high-standing, honorable, and just a 'darn nice guy.'

This theory, my friends, is ludicrous. He is nothing - nothing but a control freak in a tight Spandex suit, flying around doing good, while all the time laughing up his sleeve at the uneducated masses who worship him so blindly. Can't you see what he has been doing? He has turned the people of my world against me - me, the charity-donor, the great philanthropist, the person who has done so much good for my city, who has founded so many great institutions - schools, hospitals, shelters for the homeless, colleges for the arts - and now he is striving to do the same to you. Why, he even has you writing about what a great person he is - how noble, how charitable, how great. Is this not a case of brainwashing? Has he not manipulated your minds? Is he not in control of your lives?

The accumulated evidence of this has frightened, saddened and shocked me deeply. These so called 'fanfics' that are written solely for the advancement of his power, are woefully distorted. In almost every single one of them - and I have read quite a few, during my isolation - I am portrayed as the villain of the scene - as grasping, cruel, and evil as Hades himself - while Superman is Zeus, adored and adulated by all.

And by his side - and it wounds me deeply to say this - is his very own Hera - *my* Aphrodite, my love, my one-time fiancée - Lois Lane. You have all insulted her intelligence, cruelly mocked and taunted her, tortured her by assuming that she would be as easily influenced by this monster as the common rabble. This woman is a reporter - her job is to sniff out the news, peer beyond the façade of everyday living, peel back the smooth, untainted skin to expose the ugliness beneath - whatever makes you think that she would be blinded as easily as the common woman? Why, even now, she works diligently by my side, aiding and abetting me with my extensive research into Superman's past, providing me with nuggets of information so gleaming, so priceless, that we are this close - this close to finding the one thing, the one chink in his armor that can bring him down forever.

Those of you who are familiar with this person undoubtedly know what I mean. Kryptonite. It has been found - it can be found again. Lois works tirelessly by my side, forgoing any other human contact down here in my lonely lair, never moving from the place I sat her in when I brought her here - never stirring from her chair, and amusing me with her witty comments. She is my water, my light, my energy - she keeps me going - she is the reason why I am able to carry on in the search for the one material that will bring about the demise of this fiend.

But I fear, for you people at least, that it is already too late. In fact, there is but two people I can see whom the alien has apparently not affected - a Mr. Wilson, and a woman known only as Elena. I have read your excellent 'Lex Wins', Mr. Wilson, and I must say that it came as a breath of fresh air after the stinking, syrupy stories that have been written by more than a few. Unfortunately, two others - Ms. Richards and a 'Kaethel' - beat you down, but you have fought bravely, and I am well pleased. With my beloved's help and some time, I will perhaps eventually endeavor to modify the time window - once this has been altered enough to allow transference of the body to another dimension, perhaps you and the excellent Elena would venture on a visit? I see a starry future for us - perhaps even a brand new Nigel, Mr. Wilson. I regret to say that nobody will ever replace Mrs. Cox in my eyes, but I'm sure Elena would do her best.

With my beloved by my side, I have the small, struggling, yet ever-present hope that someday, somehow, I will succeed in the adaptation of the time window, the acquirement of Kryptonite, and, probably the most important factor, the very reason why I have made my existence known to you - the contemporaneous opening of the eyes of the general public to the pure evil that exists in Superman's soul. I suspect Lois has already begun to see the light - she's not ranting about him half so much these days. I expect it has to do with the fact that she has been so busy, so consumed by her work with me that she hasn't seen the sun for quite some time.

When all of this has been achieved, there will be a brighter day for all of us - a day when Superman is shunned universally from our world, a day when I may make my re-appearance as Lex Luthor, great humanitarian, richest man in Metropolis, and friend to the little people.

I hope and pray that this day will advance upon us speedily.

~Lex.

Is there no end to this misery?????

Awww!!

It's good to see you here!


Mrs Tempus - AKA Elena "The Excellent"

Dear Mr. Lex,

Right now I don't have the time to write a long reply, commenting in every single thing that you wrote. I'll just tell you a few things from my point of view.

Personally, I've admired you for your intelligence several times. However, I think you're using it the wrong way. Therefore, I am reluctant to take in your post seriously and actually believe that you are such a nice, generous etc. man, or that Lois is helping you bring Superman down. We have tapes that prove your nature as well as his, and what we've seen is seriously different than what you suggest.
In my opinion, the only possibility that what you wrote applies is that you live in another alt-universe. Although I'd still have trouble believing that you're telling the truth.

I would like to see more of you. I think everyone would like to ask you some questions, and, if you want to prove that *you* are the darn nice guy of this story, you'll have to answer them.

Looking forward to hearing (well... reading) from you,
Anna Botsakou aka AnnaBtG.

I find it ironic that Lex Luthor, the 'smartest man in the world', can't spell "illusions"

Nqoire (grinning as she scurries back to her story)

mr luthor, normally i'd take the time to welcome a new member, but, under the circumstances, i hope you'll excuse me if i'm not quite as warm with you. still, i hope the time you spend with us has a positive effect on your life.

i can't imagine it would be very fun stuck alone in a bunker with such a poor food supply. but then, you're not really that alone, are you? i mean, despite the fact that you initially stated that you have only the rats for company and no contact with the outside world other than your computer, you've also claimed to be working with lois lane.

given the circumstances of your life these past few years, the conflicting information in your own description, and the fact that the lois lane we know would never help you to harm superman, i can only conclude that, starved for human companionship, you have begun to hallucinate. it certainly doesn't seem that you have the facilities to make another clone. it's a shame to see a man of such great potential brought so low, but i suppose it's only fitting, given what you did with that potential.

i'm assuming that you lack of human contact also explains the spelling and grammar errors in your post. after a while with only the rats for company, little things like the difference between "it's" and "its" must seem rather trivial. ah, and the finer points of civilization used to be so important to you. well, at least lois isn't editing your copy.

as for your mythological analogies, i fear i must take exception to your comparison of zeus and superman. zeus was a lecher, often known to be casually unfaithful to his spouse. he was the head of an empire established through conquest, and he used his power primarily to suit his own whims. he seduced women whenever he felt like it, then left them and their children to fend for themselves. on those occasions when his advances were rebuffed, rather than accepting the lady's will, he became angry and resorted to violence and trickery.

ultimately, however, zeus's empire came to nothing. his people were conquered, his stories subsumed into a new culture under a different name, and, in time, the conquerers, too, became a part of ancient history. today, zues is not worshiped, but rather considered a quaint old legend, a character to consider when idly discussing culture or philosophy or to be inserted in some piece of entertainment, usually as a background character in some movie or tv show about hercules.

on the whole, i do believe you make a better zeus than superman ever will.

as for your other analogies, hera was known mainly for being upset about her husband's frequent tyrsts and aprhodite was known not for brains but fickleness, vanity, and a love afair carried on behind her poor husband's crippled back. neither seems to be a good fit for the lois we know, and niether one seems particularly flattering, either. still, if you have taken some spinal injury from the collapse of that train station, it's something to think about.

i think, if you're looking for a mythological analogy for superman, you'd be better off looking north. thor, not a ruler, but a warrior. one of incredible strength and skill, who faught alongside mortals to help them. someone who, even when faced with impossible odds, still chose to keep trying, because it was the right thing to do. someone who wasn't a leader by choice, but who sometimes found himself with people behind him, willing to follow, because they trusted and respected him. of course, there is the little matter of ragnarok and destiny. happily, though, superman has a better destiny than thor.

all that aside, i have some questions for you, mr luthor. first of all, just what are you doing here? have you come simply to gloat that you almost have something that may, if you can somehow get it (or superman) in the right place at the right time, hurt superman? seems a tad premature. almost doesn't count except in horeshoes and hand grenades, and it certainly doesn't count when you're talking about lois lane or superman. you've had superman trapped in a kryptonite cage, but, even so, he escaped and recovered while you tried to kill yourself and, it seems, failed even at that. oh yes, let's not forget the fact that, in the middle of all that, your fiancee rejected you at the altar.

so, really... what are you doing here? you don't seem to be in a position to gloat, and it doesn't seem like you're looking for anything else. have you been stuck down there so long, so desperate for a non-imaginary friend, that you're turning to a community of people, who, with one or two notable exceptions, actively dislike you (to put it mildly)? if so, i pity you.

Paul

My dear Mr. Luthor,

While I cannot comment so eloquently as you or some of our other residents here, I do have some questions and concerns. I am curious as how you expect to find the Kryptonite in your dimension? It does not truly exist in ours since, as you may have noticed, Superman is a fictional character in our world. Several of our gifted writers have speculations on where to find it (as you can probably tell from the archive), but it most likely would not be the same in your world. I am also concerned about Lois. You mention that she is helping you bring down the Superman of your world, but it sounds like she has been sitting in the chair for far too long. Perhaps you should persuade her to get up and walk around your domicile for awhile, if only for exercise? All that sitting cannot be good for a person!

That aside, I do hope that you get everything that you deserve. And welcome to our humble home.

The ever curious,
Karen

I continue to be troubled and shocked at the sheer en bloc effect that the alien has had on your lives. Mine is a difficult task - to proclaim my innocence, even in the face of adversary, to continue to shout as the lone voice in the crowd, proclaiming the degeneracy of this so-called 'superhero', to sit here at my faithful laptop, growing more and more distressed at the condition of His dedicated zealots, fighting for a lost cause... sad, my friends. It is sad.

The one bright spark in this wild wilderness of people crying out to be helped is you, Elena. I continued to be gladdened by your relentless resistance of His influence - hope. It gives me hope. Also, I do hope that my mention of your husband's late counterpart did not distress you overmuch - rest assured that if he had possessed a wife, especially as one as venerable and inspiring as you, I would know about it - so there is no chance we're talking about the same man.

Anna, your post alarms me. Yet another example of His working - you admit that I, the innocent in all of this, am portrayed as a not nice, ungenerous etc. man. You admit that you are reluctant to take me seriously and question the integrity of my Ms. Lane. Especially, I find the 'tapes' you mention disquieting - I am sure that you are familiar with the practice of subliminal messages, and the sort of destruction they can cause. I can only hope that Superman has not gone as far as actually attempting to brainwash the general public... though from your post, I fear that this has already come to pass.

Nqoire, I don't think you appreciate just how harrowing a situation I am in. Lack of masculine contact, lack of sun, and a constant state of hopeless despair take their toll, you know. Geniuses like I cannot be held to the petty trivialities you people seem to value. I have a greater cause in life - one that is not affected by how I spell Ilusions. Illusions. Whatever.

Paul, your attitude saddens me deeply. I feel so sorry for all of you - blinded by Superman's false, artificial light as you are, you have not been allow to grow a separate identity, and flourish in the normal way. How frustrating it must be for all of you.

Consequently, it is my sad duty to inform you that the reference to Superman as the 'Zeus' of this world. Zeus was a lecher - an unfaithful, domineering, callous dictator, who killed his own father for no reason other than jealousy and ambition. This, I repeat, is a true and just parallel to the 'superhero' who has taken over your lives so rapidly. Like Zeus, Superman uses his power primarily to suit his own urges - selectivity about just who he can 'snatch from the jaws of death' being one. I am a prime example of that - like Prometheus, who Zeus cast from Olympus because of his favouritism towards humans (in this case, Prometheus had given us the gift of Fire, which Zeus had forbidden him to do) I, with my kindness towards mortals, with my building of homeless shelters, hospitals and schools, seem to have inspired a fiend more powerful than Superman - the green-eyed monster. As I plummeted to the ground, forced to jump rather than subjecting myself to a life filled with people getting the wrong impression of me by the evil Inspector Henderson, Superman simply chose not to save me.

If this does not prove his hidden motives, I do not know what will.

Furthermore, your point about Zeus' empire is politically correct - this, I hope, will come to pass in a few months, when I succeed in my relentless task, and Superman will become a thing of the past, a 'quaint old legend' a 'character to consider when idly discussing culture or philosophy' - when you people have finally accepted the fact that you have been tricked, fooled, conned, blinkered into thinking Superman is above reprimand.

Your point about the collapse of 'that train station' is both upsetting and incorrect. There has not been a catastrophe of that kind in living memory - nor is there any chance of that happening. Modern architecture being what it is, the probabilities are nil.

Unhappily, I must point out that your portrayal of Thor, though technically correct, is aimed at the wrong person. Yet another evidential of Superman's complete and utter indoctrination of the minds of the general assembly, you draw entirely the wrong parallels. A far better demonstrator of Thor's innate courage and strength, the thing that led him to fight in the face of incredible opposition, because it was the right thing to do, is - well - me. I couldn't have put it better myself, Paul - it is the exact thing I am striving to do, the exact wording I needed to explain the purpose of this 'thread'.

In response to your questions:

What am I doing here? I have come as the sole upholder of all that is good and true, the only person who can see past the mask, the façade that Superman has erected, the only one who can hope of seeing his demise. I seek not money, nor praise, nor worship - all I ask for is respect, and to be taken seriously. I realize that this is asking quite a bit - with co-operation, I'm sure I will win through, and you will end up thanking me for saving not only your lives, but the lives of your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

Your point about a 'Kryptonite cage' is nonsensical - a darn good idea, but nonsensical nonetheless. There is not a shred of proof to back this up - in fact, at the time you allege this happened, I was on my way to marry my love, Lois Lane. You have no evidence, no corroboration - in short, you have nothing but lies - lies and innuendo. Kindly desist of doing this again; it is vaguely upsetting and will corrupt even further the minds of the readers.

As for me trying to 'kill myself' - I refer back to an earlier point. Forced to the breaking point by the fiendish Inspector Henderson, framed, set up, blamed of the most heinous crimes against humanity that I can think of, and all for nothing. Goaded to the point when my only option was to attempt to take my own life, Superman decided not to save me, and if it weren't for a faithful scientist of mine, I would still be dead today.

As for my fiancée 'rejecting me at the altar' - she, no less than everybody else, has been influenced by the alien. Considerably better now, she is slowly but surely coming around to my way of thinking, but back in those days, I was not aware of how much of her was brainwashed by him. She is significantly more sensible now, and, were she given the choice, I am sure that she would not let her attention be wavered again.

As for your last statement, Paul, I continue to be amazed at the level of hatred bred into you by Him. I have not asked for pity, I have not asked for friends, and I have not asked to be liked. Did people like Christopher Columbus when he first started out on his 'journey to the New World'? No, they did not - of course, this was the time when everybody knew that the world was flat. He was branded a lunatic, and only with a lot of encouragement did he gain the financial backing - not from his native Portuguese, but from the Spaniards - on the strength of which he was able to build his ships and hire his sailors.

I strongly doubt you will meet anybody today who doubts the sanity of Christopher Columbus.

Thank you for your welcome, Karen. I have at my disposal several teams of staunch followers, who have stuck by me loyally, and who are at this moment recovering every piece of information about the 'rock' that was found on a farm in Smallville, Kansas, both by a Mr. Wayne Irig and a Mr. Gene Newtrich. I have every confidence that in time, steps can be taken to discover more of the rock - when I find it, I will use it, and the world will become the happy place it once was.

And your statement that 'Superman' is a fictional character - is he? Is he really? I strongly doubt it. After all, you people seem to have at your fingertips a minefield of knowledge about him, his life and the lives of the people connected to him. How, so, can you claim that he is fictional? Somebody had to make those 'tapes' that Anna spoke of earlier - furthermore, from references made in some people's ranting essays about the so-called Man of Steel, I can gather that not only his spiritual, but also his physical appearance is well known. You say he has dark hair, a muscular physique, and 'chocolate eyes'. This matches perfectly with the Superman of my world. How, then, can you claim his non-existance?

As for your point about my beloved - well, this bunker is quite large, and dangerous besides, what with the electrical surges that can happen when a particularly large train rattles by overhead. Certain... restraints have to be made so that she doesn't wander off and hurt herself. If she would simply stay in the one place, I could of course allow her bonds to be broken - but she has curled her lip at this option more times that I care to mention, and so I must take steps to keep her safe.

The world out there looks a bleak one. I am counting on a few other people like Elena to pop up out of the woodwork and restore my faith in humanity - I am especially looking forward to hearing from you, Mr. Wilson.

~Lex.

Oh dear, I think I've discovered his "bunker." It's a lovely padded white room

Okay, I think it's time I speak up. As some of you probably have noticed, I'm slowly converting to the other side. Which means your side, Lex. You don't mind me calling you Lex, I hope.

And I know there are more fans of you around. So you're not alone at all! With some luck they'll show up here too.

For now, I'm on your side.

Saskia

LOL, Nqoire! That would explain the "electrical surges," wouldn't it!

Ah, Lex, I never claimed that Superman did not exist at all, just that he does not in our world. I believe that, perhaps by some time traveller or dimension hopper (not that far out of the realm of possibility, as your posts here prove), has leaked information about him, along with you and Ms. Lane, from another dimension. Perhaps not your own, which is why I suggested that our information would not match up with yours. I do wish, however, that he or someone like him did exist in our world, as we have been in sore need for a superhero for some time now. But that is neither here nor there.

I understand that your underground bunker is not the best place to be wandering around, but I do beg that you insist that your *ahem* beloved get some much needed exercise. Sitting for long periods of time (days and weeks, it sounds like) is not good for anyone. I am no doctor (an expired EMT license does not a doctorate make), but I do understand that periods of inactivity can lead to atrophy, sores, and the like. For her own health, at least, please.

Dear Lex,

I have nothing against you - well, nothing very important anyway. You're fun to have around, and a great way to make Lois be interested in Clark, so I sort like you because of that.

However, I must express my concern at something you said. You claim to be holding your "beloved" prisoner in your bunker. Fine. You say she's tied because otherwise she'd wander off and electrocute herself with your security system. Fair enough.

But then comes what truly worries me: you want to hire Tank to replace Nigel. I'm not denying Tank's qualities, but I have to ask: does that mean that Lois isn't safe from a haircut?!?

Kaethel

i begin to see. you're not zeus. you're loki, and a poor befuddled one at that.

you object to being painted as unlikable, then claim that i hold a deep-seated hatred of you, and, in your next sentence (presumably in a response to my message), reject any offers of pity or friendship.

you don't want to be liked, but you don't want to be thought of as unlikable. you think i hate you, but you think i'm offering friendship in the name of pity.

i have no idea what you mean about superman killing his father, but, as you clearly live in a different world, it is perhaps best to avoid debating that issue.

your own... creative view of the events we witnessed in a broadcast taken from your dimension (or a close parallel) is, i must admit, entertaining. i wonder how much of it you believe.

as for your companion, i must throw my voice in with karen's. if you love someone, set her free. surely, if you can walk around safely, then so can she. unless you doubt her basic intelligence, which would not be very flattering to your lady love.

in any case, i would suggest you get in contact with a woman by the name of dr friskin. you're clearly in a stressful situation, and, like anyone who has experienced so much trauma, i'm sure you could benefit from a kind and impartial ear.

in the meantime, i'm sure superman is out and about, looking for you and lois. it's only a matter of time before help arrives and you no longer have to be trapped in that lonely hole. so, try to think positive.

Paul

Please clarify this Mr. Luthor, does one of those rats write in her spare time?

Missy (who frantically notices that our beloved rodent writer hasn't responded to this thread and is wondering if we need to contact Stuart)

Nqoire and Rivka: I don't know exactly what your problem is with me, but I must tell you that I appreciate your boorish attitude not at all. Kindly desist from making such seditious insinuations in future. I have done nothing to warrant such abominable insults.

Saskia: Thank you! I must say that the attitude of my supporters is amazingly good-hearted! I appreciate your words of encouragement very much. And since you are such an adherent of the right cause, you may call me Lex.

Karen: I am about to divulge a secret, which may or may not be accepted by the general public. I am sure that I will get much invective, abusive maltreatment for this statement, but as it is my duty to do these things, I must bear with that when and if it comes.

I must now tell you that Superman *does* exist in your world. Just under an alias. My own 'Superman' has not got one - he goes under the same name all the time, but your own 'Superman' is a man who has been masquerading as an actor all these years - an actor who 'grew up' on the beaches of Malibu and 'retired' from his football 'career' because of an 'injury' (or because he was so strong he almost knocked the ball into orbit, inviting unwelcome questions from his fellow team-mates.) I am talking, of course, about - Dean Cain. A physical match for the Superman of my world, he fits the bill precisely. In fact, he is aware of his role, his influence in other roles - even reported to have pulled his shirt open at an awards ceremony to reveal a 'Batman' suit, in a crude imitation of what Superman must do if he ever needs to change his clothes, and quickly.

Be well pleased that this 'Dean Cain' has not yet reverted to the dastardly deeds of his counterpart, and hope and pray that I may manage to convince you people of his wickedness before he strives to 'come out'.

As regards to your statement about my darling's health - I must say that I did take your views into account, suggesting to her the other day that I take her for a little walk to ease the cramping in her legs. At this, I got some frightfully witty remark about being kept on a leash, and rather than to make light of her situation, I have decided to desist. At least for now.

Rest assured that she has never been healthier - the air down here is doing her a world of good, her hair is sleek and her eyes are gla...glossy. She has never looked better.

Kaethel: I am delighted to see that the alien's mind-control system has not had a lasting effect on you; especially pleased by the way you seem willing to take my views into account. However, I must object to your mention of my *other* adversary - the spineless, gutless, hick from Smallville who has aided and abetted his friend 'Superman' in trying to make me look bad in every possible way he can. Barely important enough to mention, Clark Kent is nothing - nothing but a distraction that Lois has, regrettably, been taken in by. He will not succeed - and never again will he attempt to take my love away from me. Not if he values his life, that is.

In addition, Kaethel, I am afraid that I don't truly understand your question. Lois and a haircut? She had her hair cut months ago - and very attractive it is too, cropped in a pixyish bob up above her chin. Why ever would you think that she wouldn't be safe from a haircut? The next step would be to shave her head bald, which I'm sure she has no intention to do.

If you are referring to the awful chin-length bob she had when I met her, which was slowly replaced by the even worse shoulder-length bob, then I rejoice in telling you that that abomination is long gone.

Paul: I am continually saddened by the shocking effect He has had on you. I tell myself not to take your post to heart, as you do not know what you are saying, but I must tell you now that it is hard.

First of all, I do not know who this 'Loki' is (and I do not want to know) so I have no objection to being called that. However, I have a strong objection to being called 'poor' and 'befuddled'. I AM poor, but in the economical sense of the word, and it is a temporary state, anyway. As for being befuddled, it takes one to know one.

Secondly, I think you are a selective reader. I am not rejecting any offers of friendship (as for pity, the notion of anybody pitying ME is laughable) I have merely stated that I have not ASKED for friendship. One or two individuals who have striven away from His darkness and into My light have offered this already, and I feel I have responded in kind.

I do NOT think you hate me. I think you are not aware of what you are saying, due to His mind-controlling techniques. I do NOT think you are offering friendship in the name of pity. I pity you - you should not pity me, who can see the darkness of Superman's evil clearly.

Thirdly, as I have explained already, my love is still slightly under the influence of the alien. In the midst of her confusion, she has threatened the most abominable things, and I feel that until I have managed to wean her away from his evilness, and her former partner's influence, it is drastically safer to keep her where she is. For the moment, at least.

I resent your mention of Dr. Friskin, though I try to tell myself that you are not in control of what you are saying. In any case, you are transmitting your own feelings onto me. I'm sure a few 'couch sessions' would do you good - perhaps with the excellent Dr. Carlin? She might... persuade you to see things my way.

In the meantime, Superman has not been spotted out and about, looking for Lois and I. In fact, he has not been spotted at all since I took... I mean, since my love came to me. I can only assume that he is sitting somewhere, brooding darkly about his next evil scheme.

Missy: I am afraid that I do not know the answer to your question, not being in the habit of speaking to rats. They are very intelligent animals, but I am almost certain that they wouldn't be so highly evolved as to understand our language, or the concept of writing, as of yet. In any case, rats are too small to hold a pencil.

I see a spark of hope igniting in the far-distant future. With two people already in full support of me, it is only a matter of time before you all 'see the light' as it were. I hope and pray that the journey to that light will not be too arduous.

~Lex.

I haven't got much time. *He's* gone to the bathroom. I need your help! Please, can you help to get me out of here? He has me prisoner! I'm chained to my chair and I can barely move, and I'm sure he's drugging my drinks. I tried refusing to eat at first, but he still wouldn't let me go, and I won't let him make me starve myself to death.

Please help me! You can't call Superman. Please. *He* has Kryptonite, and I know what he wants most of all is for Superman to come down here to rescue me. I can't let that happen. I can't let Superman die!

Clark... Clark, are you out there? Please, Clark, I know I hurt you badly, but I need you so much. Please...

*He's* back - got to go

Loi

[img]http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/users/af7d3b69/bc/Yahoo!+Photo+Album/__sr_/Wanda.jpg?bcV.Br_AuBNWNMBT[/img]

...And if you're talkin' about me, Lex (or should I say, "Kent"), I only helped you because I had amnesia. Don't think I'll be dumb enough to help you again.
--Wanda Detroit

Dear reader, I am shocked to see the level of deceit that that man can rise to. Rest assured that that was NOT posted by my Lois - she is at this very moment smiling at me, her eyes wide and innocent, patting my hand and laughing with me. That person is an IMPOSTER, and when I find out who it is... let's just say that heads will roll.

Wanda, trust me, I wasn't even going to mention your name. You were merely a pawn in a greater game - now that I have my Lois back, you are unnecessary and unimportant.

Please do not let yourself be tricked by that 'LoisLane' woman. Lies, I tell you - all lies, fixed on showing me up to a bad light. Do not let your faith be swerved. I will see you through.

~Lex.

No!! No, he's the liar

a
r
gh!!

Lois, good to see you're still alive. I'm sure Clark would love to save you, but he's sort of reluctant and will stay that way for a year or two... time for the disaster to be mended, you see? Blame Lex for letting Tank have his way with your hair!

Gasp! Splutter! Thud!

Kaethel

Dear reader, I come heralding an apology. The deceitfullness of some people continues to amaze me.

I have only just spotted the post that was previously here, and well, I am appalled. It is obvious that that post was not made by me. I would never be so trivial and childish.

Unfortunately, my last session responding to some people's post was rather hurried, and at the end of it, I'm afraid that I made the mistake of neglecting to 'log out' as it were, and consequently... this One of my...minons, for want of a better word, decided that it might be amusing to post as myself, deriding the impostor and 'Kaethel' [rather childishly, if I may say so] and neglecting to mention the fact that I was not the one making such derogatory statements. He has been...disposed of, and I imagine that I shall not make such an err in judgement again. Thankfully, Jack is much more trustworthy, and keeps my counsel loyally.

I apologize to anyone who may have been somewhat confused by this post. Rest assured, gentle reader, that it was not me, that the true Lex Luthor does *not* lose his temper so childishly, and that I would not have presumed to insult somebody who is not in control of her actions. Special apologies to Nqoire, who replied - I trust you will find that I am not arrogant, seeing as it was not me who did this.

"it takes one to know one"? lex, you are slipping. even so, i'll admit to cheerful insanity. it's been good for me so far.

debating loki and mistletoe and stuff with you might have been fun, but i can understand that you've got more important matters on your mind. so, if you'd rather leave off that topic, we can just move on.

thanks for your suggestion re: dr carlin, but, personally, i've always felt that dogs do a much better job. they're great listeners, very sympathetic, available any time, never say "i'm sorry, the hour is up," charge a lot less, and have warm, soft fur. you've never had a dog, though, have you? darn shame. come to think, you're more of a cat person, aren't you? i wrote a story about that once.

back to psychology for a moment...

now, i haven't had any professional training, but when someone starts talking about how people should walk "into My light," the words "god complex" come to mind.

as for dean cain... he's an actor. best known for taking prominent roles in rather mediocre movies. you say he can fly? sorry, ripley, i don't believe that one.

oh... i know what the problem is. dean starred in a show about lois and clark a few years back. it was based on events from your universe, or one close to it. focused mainly on lois lane and clark kent, but you and superman were recurring characters. dean played clark kent, but they also had him playing superman for some reason. probably the budget. superman didn't have that much screen time, really, so i guess they figured that if they just had makeup and wardrobe do their best, the viewers wouldn't mind the double role. anyway, that's where the batman thing came from. it was kind of a joke.

i'm not sure what to make of this lois lane posting now, but i do hope that she (and the lois in your universe, if they are two diffent people) are both okay. not sure what i can do to help either one, really. i am friends with the clark kent of a universe, but it's a different universe than yours, and, truth be told, i don't know what he could do, either.

lois, if it is you, what can we do for you?

Paul

Oh, great, he's gone again! Paul, please believe me - it IS me! He's got me prisoner down here in this horrible, damp cellar, and I have to get out! Please, can you find Clark for me? But tell him not to bring Superman. I'd rather die than have his death on my conscience

Look, *he* always goes out every evening at around the same time - 10:37 pm. Regular as clockwork. He thinks I don't realise, but he forgets that I've won three Kerth awards and you don't get those without being observant. He's usually gone for around twenty minutes. That has to be enough time for Clark to get in and rescue me! Just tell him... Luthor's security code is six digits - 5413

Wohee, you have a serioues arrogance problem. Where is Dr. Carlin when you need her? We've got:

Delusions
God Complex
Arrogance Problem
A Possible Case of Schizophrenia
Bipolar Disease type III
Revenge Problem

Anything else to add to the list?

Nqoire (wondering how Luthor enjoys being a mental nutcase)

Lex,

I'm so[rry I could not have responded to this sooner. Due to a small disagreement between the military and I over exactly what "end of contract" means, I was unfortunately held for a few hours.

I do almost wish your claims of Dean Cain being Superman were true, but alas, it isn't. He is just a simple actor, earning his keep out in Hollywood. I know your views of the "boy in blue" are not favorable, but the world is is in sad need of a superhero right now, between disasters both natural and unnatural. The world is not black and white, and it's those shades of grey that can help us. If, in fact, Dean Cain were Superman, we would have noticed by now, considering how closely watched most actors are by the media.

I am glad you took my advice and was able to, um, persuade Lois to get some exercise. I'm sorry it didn't work out so well, but I ask that you do not put the suggestion aside. Perhaps some fresh air and sunshine would do some good? While I'm sure Lois is perfectly safe down there, and seems to be in good spirits, spending all the time underground is not a good thing. Like a flower, even Lois needs the sun.

Lois,

If it is the you that you claim and Lex disclaims, I ask that you remain calm. I asked that Lex get you topside to get some fresh air. I think that some sunlight on the surface would do you some good. (stupid pen )

Trust me.

I must impress upon you once again the falseness of this fiendish scheme that Superman and this crude imitator of my Lois have cooked up between them. Rest assured that I do not leave my love on her own for prolonged periods of time, and when certain... business... has to be conducted above ground, a mutual friend of ours happily agrees to keep her company, with a large and scary-looking gun in case one of the rats turn vicious. So there is no possibility that she would be able to have some time at my laptop - even if she did manage to somehow bribe or incapacitate the guard, my laptop is encrypted with a multitude of enigmatic passwords and combinations, so she would not be able to access either the Internet or my own personal files without knowing them - which she does not. In any case, my man would have told me if she had been fiddling with anything - he is very reliable, a guy I picked up on the street - short, brown hair, boyish features, yet very mean when he has a big heavy gun in his hands. His name is Jack - just Jack.

Has the alien influenced you to the point where you would believe that I could be stupid? I wouldn't leave my precious laptop within three feet of Lois - the probabilities of her somehow dropping it, spilling a drink on it or submerging it in water are just two high. Look what happened to her own laptop - currently taking residence with the empty bottles and dead bodies down at the bottom of Hobb's bay.

Dear Ms. Impostor: No wonder your post is so jumbled and confused. You've obviously got a split personality.

1. There is no such thing as a cellar underneath a train station. A cellar is a basement under a house or block of houses. Please do stick to bunker. It's better English.
2. I have no intention of killing Superman. What I do want is to find the Kryptonite and use it against him to a point where he is simply incapacitated. Then I can bound him over for trial and hopefully, conviction. The state of New Troy has capital punishment - I shall let the Law take over and do what is fit.
3. 10:37? My dear, you are clearly confused. a) My love cannot tell what time of the day or night it is, it not being very sunny down in a bunker b) As I have stated previously, I would not leave my love alone for such a long period of time. Jack keeps her company.
4. Ahem. Even if that thing about my security code were true... you've only listed four of the alleged six needed. I suppose those blackouts can wreak havoc on your memory, huh?

I think we've pretty much verified that it's clearly not my own Lois who is writing this. I am compiling a list of every author out there who could possibly be rambling on so incoherently, and rest assured - I will discover who is doing this, and when I do, I will try my best to convince them to come around to my way of thinking. It may take time, effort, and a good deal of stress on my part, but nonetheless! I shall do it.

Just to put the reader's mind at rest about the truthfulness of 'LoisLane's' story, I can verily say that Lois is now sitting beside me, in the same place. It is almost 9:00pm where I am - I will be staying closer than ever to her now, for fear that she is somehow trying to deceive me. The companionship around her has since tripled - so nobody need worry about somebody trying to take her away from me.

Paul: I am not slipping. I am truthful. And thank you for admitting your precarious state of mind. It sure clears up a heck of a lot of things for me.

Your attachment to dogs is rather worrying. Filthy, smelly, messy animals who would sooner bite your nose off than lick you. I would be careful with my choice of animal - perhaps a muzzle would be effective? (for the dog, not you, though come to think of it...)
Have you ever tried to pour your heart out to the nearest ficus tree? Most of my more brilliant ideas and/or moments of reflection have come while I was pruning such a plant - most therapeutic, let me tell you.

I do not have a 'god complex' as you call it. I find your sense of humour strange, not to mention hazily insulting. Kindly desist from drawing conclusions on my mentality that are vague and not particularly useful in future. I appreciate it not at all. I am trying to save your world here, and this is the gratitude I get.
You are right about Dean Cain. He is an actor - he acts every day in the role of a normal man, as true and unbiased as any of us. Behind the façade, behind the show, is a true-blue alien. He did act out his autobiography on television for a number of years - you are right on that score. Unfortunately, not one of the viewers picked up on what he was doing, what he was trying to tell us - that he is really an alien from another planet, with freakish powers. You should be thanking your lucky stars that I am here to enlighten you.

Rest assured, Paul, that my Lois is indeed 'okay'. No need to ask the impostor what you can do for her - unless you have a degree in Psychology, I can imagine that it won't be very much.

Nqoire: I am saddened to see how far the alien has gotten in influencing you. You are obviously not in control. I know none of your 'list' of 'problems' affect me... are you trying to tell me something? Perhaps you have a mirroring complex?

Karen: Your post is interesting. You would have noticed, you say? Classic denial symptoms. You should have noticed. However, you did not notice. This is very important. Rest assured that I am not setting out to make your life any harder - on the contrary. Refer to the points I have made earlier about 'Dean Cain' and be happy.

On the other hand, Lois does not need the sun. I have plenty of artificial lamps around the place - she is just fine, thank you very much. I appreciate your concern, though.

Karen, this 'LoisLane' person who is mocking my intelligence so cruelly is NOT my love. Trust me. I grow ever closer to finding out the TRUE identity of this person - and when I find it, I will expose it, and you people can laugh at her.

And if this person replies to this thread for the rest of the weekend, you can be doubly sure that it isn't my Lois. I will be with her every waking minute - you can be assured of that. She will have no chance to post ANYTHING - not even if she wanted to.

~Lex.

Keeping Lois in a bunker, wanting to send Superman to capital punishment...

It's your own words that suggest that you are not a good person, Lex. I'm so sorry.

And, btw, if Dean Cain *is* Superman, how come Superman has NEVER appeared in public? Not as a saviour, not as a ruler, not as anything.

Oh, wait, I know! HE'S NOT SUPERMAN!!

Please, get back down on Earth, Lex. It's rather annoying to see you posting such untrue things.

AnnaBtG.

Phew! Jack's keeping *him* busy for a few minutes so I can get here again. Has anyone had any luck yet in finding Clark? Please, you have to get him to come and rescue me. PLease! Tell him I never wanted Lex. Tell him it was always him I loved!

Lex is delusional. Can you tell? All this raving about some actor called Dean Cain being Superman... I really think this last time he rose from the dead he wasn't quite all there. He seems to have lost his grip on reality.

Can't you see that this is why I'm so scared? Clark, please, help me! I'd try to rescue myself, but he's keeping me chained up - I can't even go to the bathroom on my own! But, Clark, Jack is on our side. He'll help you!

Hurry!

He's coming back... gotta go...

Lois

My dear Mr. Luthor,

greetings and salutations.

I've allways been fond of conversing with someone of great intelligence. Of course, since you're here, I suppose you'll do just as well.

Now, now, no need to scowl like that. I only mean that in jest. Of course, you know what they say: Many a word said in jest holds a grain of truth. Although your statements about Dean Cain do reveal something about your mental capabilities, I must say, I'm quite disappointed in you...

In all your dealings with Superman, you seem to have never realized that Kryptonite is ten times more effective on Superman when it is wrapped in lead.

But then, even the greatest have their failings.


EDIT: Just an after-thought; if you're really so intent on bringing Superman to justice, why not contact one Bruce Wayne of Gotham City? Last I heard, he seemed to be on the side of rightness; and his resources might prove useful. If your love knows him, then I'm sure she'll agree that explaining your plan to him would be quite helpful in seeing to it that justice is served.

hello again, mr luthor. i'm writing this time because i was wondering if you could clear something up for me...

how many people are down there? is it just you?

is it just you and lois?

is it just you, lois, and jack?

or is it you, lois, jack, and a bunch of (usually) faithful minions (who would, i'd have thought, have counted at least as much as a desk or an armchair...)?

so, can you clear that up for me? i'll even be nice and not ask how many of your minions have real, tangible bodies.

lois, i'm still not sure what we can do for you from here, but, as long as you can grab a few minutes or so with a laptop that has internet access, why don't you email clark?
Paul

well, lex hasn't responded yet, but i wanted to take a sec to address the people in his employ. i don't know how much you guys read this thread, but hopefully one of you will notice (or someone will show it to you).

i just wanted to point some things out to you.

your boss is working out of a bunker underneath a train station because, by his own admission, that's the best he can do for himself these days. he mentioned that he has a desk and an archair and that he had rats for company, but neglected to mention you in any way. he's also working against superman, who will not be pleased to see what has happened to lois lane. i'm sure you know how big blue gets about people who put lois in danger.

so, you're not as important to him as his chair, and he respects the intelligence and conversational capabilities of rats more than he does yours. he trusts some kid he found on the streets more than any of you. he probably can't pay you, whatever he's been promising. he thinks nothing of killing one of you for no greater crime than making a few childish remarks in his name. his behavior, as far as i can tell, has been, shall we say, erratic. at some point, probably sooner rather than later, he's going to face off against superman, who, to put it mildly, will not be pleased.

are you sure you want to be working for this guy?

if i were you, i'd quit. now. just pick up and leave. cut my losses before things get worse. for good measure, i'd take lois with me and hope that bringing her to safety and freedom will put me back in superman's favor. much better than having to face him sometime down the road, knowing you've kept lois from him and just hoping he's not still upset about that.

think about it.

Paul

Why hello, Lex

That is, if I may call you Lex. Rumors have reached my ears about you owning a significant chunk of a research corporation in Delaware. I've heard that they have provided and still have information for you on the destruction of your nemesis. Some of the rumors concern your apparent resurrection... Is it true?

And may I talk to Lois? I've been worried about her ever since I found your post.

Laura (who has her ear to the ground)

Dear Anna: I must say, I am very disappointed that you do not seem to understand my point of view. Wanting to send Superman to capital punishment is a worthy trait, considering all the evilness that he has inflicted on the world. Nevertheless, rest assured, I am a good person - just rather unique, and one whose ideas are often cruelly disparaged.

I must bring a point I made earlier to your attention:

So, you see, Dean Cain is simply biding his time, waiting for the right moment in which to strike. Whether this moment is in a day, a month or a year, I do not know and have no way of knowing, so I have chosen to warn you ahead of time, and try to bring you around to my way of thinking before he decides to reveal himself, and sucks you all into his vile trap.

Dear Ms... whoever you are: Thank you very much for the warning about Jack. I am having him watched, and should I note anything suspicious, then he will be swiftly and severely... fired. Also, I must tell you that every time you rant on about nothing in here, I have the security surrounding my Lois tightened... just a little. Not saying that there is any remote chance that she is doing this, but just in case.

Queen of the Capes: You seem to think that I am somehow dim-witted. I do know quite a bit about Superman - unfortunately for you, that also includes the knowledge that lead is the only known substance that he cannot see through. I would imagine that it would shield the rays of the Kryptonite from him, rather then amplify them. Nice try.

Your point about this 'Bruce Wayne' is interesting, to say the least. However, I cannot find a place called 'Gotham City' on any map. Are you quite certain that you have the name right?

Hello there, Paul. In response to your question - at the time of my initial post, it was only my love and I taking residence in this place. Later, as I managed to convince some of the residents of *my* world of Superman's evilness, I was joined by Jack and friends. There are quite a few... the only ones I can remember now, though, are Jimmy, Joel, Skip and Skin. The others all look somewhat alike - and besides, a man such as myself does not need to know the names of ALL his subordinates.

Good idea for the impostor to try emailing that uncultured hick, Kent. However, it will not work - mainly because the real Lois is not using a computer, and, even if she were, Kent would not be able to even begin to guess what to do. So the issue is null.
Laura: Your query is true, though I have yet to hear from the dedicated scientists working there. I am sure that in time they shall provide the nuggets of information I need to take Superman down.
As for your second question, I am afraid that I cannot permit that. There is already a person masquerading as my love - I do not need to go to the trouble of having another 'LoisLane' around and complicating matters. In any case, rest assured that there is no need to worry. She is perfectly safe, thank you for your concern.
I hope that we are not getting off track from our primary objective here. I see that there is already a slight improvement on the attitudes of people. I pray that we shall see more advances before our time together ceases.
Lex.

<gasp> I *knew* it! <suspicious> You wouldn't, by any chance, have a penchant for *black* cars, would you? And I'm guessing that you're part of a secret organization based in Africa whose sole purpose it to acquire more wealth regardless of the method.

I guess it's time for me to contact an old friend of mine who is running from said research corporation...

Laura (who is sneaking off into hiding, herself so that she can warn Superman.)

Oh... oh... oh my goodness! Lois, is that really you????? Where are you?????? Lex has you??????? Has he hurt you??????? How can I find you??????

Luthor, if you're reading this, be warned. Both Superman and I are looking for you, and when we find you (and we *will* find you) you'll have a lot of spare time on your hands to spend reading books and plotting evil schemes. In a 9x4 cell.

Lois, can you get a program called mIRC? If you can, then try and log onto a channel called #rescue on Sunday after six o'clock, and maybe we can figure a way out of this. Have you any idea where you are, or how I can get to you? Both I and Superman are desperately worried about you, honey... we just want to bring you home. I still love you, Lois, don't you know that? I never stopped. I couldn't stop if I tried. Please, try and do that and we'll figure a way out of this. I promise, I won't rest until Luthor is behind bars and you're back in my arms, where you belong...

~Clark

Clark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Clark! You found me!

Oh, I miss you so much! You have no idea...!

Look, I've only got a minute. *He's* gone again - I think Jack managed to slip some senna in his wine, just to buy me some time. What's this... MRIC thing? Clark, you know me and technology. If I can point and click, I'm fine, but if I actually have to make the computer DO anything, I'm hopeless! Oh well... maybe Jack will have heard of this MCIR thing.

He's coming back! And he's not happy! Clark, it's SO good to talk to you again! And I know we'll be together again soon. I trust you - and I know you'll keep Superman away for me. Won't you?

Your one and only love,

Loi

Ah, L'amour!(sp?)
It *does*? Are you entirely sure?

Why, Mister Luthor! Are you implying that I would attempt to trick you? *adjusts halo*

Ah, Gotham; I've never actually been there, but I've heard it has quite a night-life! I imagine you'd fit in very well with the people at Aarkham. They're a very lively crowd; one of them is a real Joker.

You seem to have no idea of how gossip works in our world, Mr. Lex. So, I will bring to your attention a point made by Karen earlier:

And, welcome, Clark! If you need your help, we'll be right here
AnnaBtG.

WHAT???????????????????

Okay, this has gone beyond a joke. I can grudgingly accept one person masquerading as somebody else from my dimension, but two? This is just... ludicrous!

Mr. Kent, even if you were really from my universe, just how do you propose to rescue Ms. Lane? I hardly think conversing with an actress who you believe to be her is going to help. In any case, Ms. Lane does not want to be rescued. Ms. Lane is quite happy where she is, thank you very much.

Thank you very much for mentioning the time, the date and the place in which you will attempt to rescue Lois. Quite obviously, she will be transported from the bunker to a place of safety, with me, on or before this date. Just as a precautionary measure.

Also, thank you 'Lois' for mentioning Jack's indescretion. I have had him... replaced, so there is no fear of anything like that happening, ever. His surrogate is quite obviously loyal, so there is no possibility of betrayal there.

Queen of the Capes: I am afraid so. Lead does indeed shield Superman from Kryptonite's influence, worse luck. Thank you for the tips on Gotham. If I ever manage to locate it, I must visit - it sounds intruiging.

Anna - let me bring up a point I made earlier -

People are remarkably blind when they want to be, Anna. No matter what the circumstances, or person, people are going to see what they want to see. In this case, all you people saw a simple actor, out to earn his living. Not one of you detected the evil hiding beneath.

Once more, I beg of you not to be blinded by these impostors, these shams. Do not let your eyes be blinded by side issues here - remember why this thread was started in the first place. I simply want to have a positive influence on the community as a whole, to convince them of Superman's many indiscretions. Is that too much to ask for?

~Lex

Lois: You're hopeless. The program is mIRC - Jimmy told me about it. Just click onto this site: www.mirc.com - and download the program. Trust me, it's not that difficult to figure out.

When you're all set up, type this command - /join #rescue - into the little bar you see at the bottom of the screen. Then, hopefully, we can get talking... and I can figure out where you are, and rescue you. Don't worry about Superman - he knows the situation. We'll get you out of there one way or another, honey - just hang on.

Anna, thank you for your welcome. It's nice to see that people still support us...

Luthor, I think it's you who 'needs help' as you so eloquently put it. Lois is here, and she and I will figure a way out of this. No matter where you run, no matter where you hide, Superman and I will find you.

I don't know who this actor 'Dean Cain' is, but I can now assure each and every person reading this that Superman's motives are completely and utterly pure. He has no wish to 'take over the world' or 'brainwash your minds' - he's here to help. Luthor is the evil one here - please believe me!!!

Clark

Clark!!! How dare you call me 'hopeless'??? That's just mean!

Anyway, I managed to get your MRCI thing sorted out, I think. And I found this #rescue channel. But you're not there!! And Lex is going to be back any minute...


Lois

Geez, finally found some time to type on this laptop. So much for figuring out the dozen passwords that that rat protects his computer with! Not that "power", "corruption", or "elena" are very hard to figure out, but that pig is too sure of himself for his own good.

Anyway, just back from a little chit-chat with Lexie-boy on that cool software that you found, Clark. It gave me the pleasure of announcing to him what I had done: Lex is now in the bathroom, and will stay there for quite some time, thanks to a generous dose of senna that I surreptitiously poured into his expensive Chianti. His running out of the room and into the bathroom was quite a sight, believe me!

So I'm in his office now, typing on his beloved laptop. The fool had set another lock on his door - and believe it or not, took the time to bolt it before he made it to the restroom - but since when do locks stop me? The trick was to stop laughing while I picked it with one of Lois's hairpins; a hairpin that she doesn't need any more, I'm afraid...

Clark, you have to do something now, though. You've been waiting far too long, my friend, and I'm afraid it will be quite a shock for you when you see Lois. She's... different now. She looks very different. Her hair was short until today, and it looked kinda cool, I have to say. But Lex was a bit mad with her use of his computer, so he shaved her head in an excess of fury.

Okay, I'd better log off. I just heard him flush the toilet so I assume he'll be back and furious in a sec. Wonder how I'll get myself out of that one. Calming him down might take a lot. Maybe I ought to call Nigel and schedule some... private rendez-vous between the two of them. Yep, that's probably the only way.

Catch ya later!

Jack

ps: I've always meant to ask, Clark, and even though now probably isn't the best time for that, do you by any chance own red underwear?

WHAT?!!!! Lois is *BALD*?

Luthor, you skunk!

It's one thing to commit crimes, kill people, and attempt to destroy superheroes, but when you shave off someone's hair---YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR!!!

Tsk, tsk, tsk....

One takes a little time off for a bit of a holiday, and look what happens.

Ludicrous... Now that was just the word I was looking for when I found this quaint little thread. Here you are ranting about impostors, when you yourself are the biggest impostor of all! Granted, you get points for deciding to impersonate me. It shows excellent taste. It doesn't, however, excuse your befuddled attempt to slander my good name in this universe or any other!

Living in a bunker with rats?

Trusting anyone named "...just Jack..." with a gun around the lovely Lois Lane?

Cutting Lois' hair?!

I think you've proved beyond a doubt that you are not who you claim to be. It's understandable, really. Everyone wants to be like me. It's a burden of fame and fortune. What concerns me most, however, is who you really have locked up down there with you. If it truly is my Lois, then you had better pray that Superman finds you before I do. If it is someone else, then you are in serious need of help. To think you could have mistaken anyone else for the real Lois Lane... Well - yet more proof you are not who you say you are.

I can see why the young woman so desperately wants to part company with you.

Lois, have no fear - I'm sure you will be rescued. I'll start on it immediately. One moment... Nigel, I have a job for you.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Lois - don't worry. And Clark? Nice try, but the real Lex is here, and I wouldn't dream of letting anything happen to Lois. Lois, dear, we'll get the best wig money can afford - don't worry. I'll love you regardless of what that monster has done to you.

And "Lex," I feel truly sorry for you, but I must insist you stop this horrible behavior now, before things get truly out of hand. Your actions have discolored my reputation and integrity. I'm already drawing up the necessary legal proceedings to ensure that your actions don't tarnish my good name forever.

Rest assured, people, the Real Lex Luthor is here.

I'm so confused! Will the real Lex Luthor please stand up?

Or will there be a duel at dawn to determine the real Lex?

We could always just dispose of both of 'em.

Sci-Fi explainaition:

Our universe is currently in the middle of a paracelestial crossfire, recieving signals from multiple universes spanning an infinite macrocosm of worlds that are different, yet in many ways alike.

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

So anyway, who ordered the truck-load of arsenic? You can put the crates down there, boys. Thankyou.

Clark? Are you out there? Um, you better work fast, buddy ... not only do you have to find the bunker and get her out, but now you've got two Lex Luthor's trying to keep her for themselves.

Good luck. I think you might need it.

Your worried biggest fan,

Kathy

Lex, methinks thou know'st thou art an onion eyed, fool-born, ill-nurtured, toad-spotted foot-licker.

(My English teacher gave me a list of Shakespearean insults and I'm testing them /me bites my thumb at lex)

Well hey there.

CK asked me to help him in his search for Lois. It seems Superman is having some trouble locating her and her captor Luthor. As the only contact he seems to have with her is through the computer and internet, CK thought I could help.

After all, I can find out anything with this lovely machine. Just a few hours of digging and I've already learned lots of interesting stuff.

First of all, we seem to have two Luthors here. There are only records from one Lex Luthor in this world. So one of them is an impostor. Which one is hard to tell at this point, they have both covered their tracks very well. Of course I'm still working on that. But I'm not happy at all about Lois being locked up somewhere.

I've noticed a recent movement in locations, so the research isn't going as fast as I'd like. I'm trying as hard as I can without sleeping too much. Poor CK is so worried, I just have to do whatever I can to help him.

He also pointed my to this threat. I must say this contains quite some useful information. I have to get back to work soon, but I just wanted to let know I'm on it now and it won't take long anymore.

So, Lois, hold on. You're rescue is nearby. And great work you're doing down there, Jack. I'm impressed, my friend.

Hold on, I think I just found something, have to get back to work now.

Jimmy

I'VE GOT IT!!!! I don't know why I didn't see it before; it's so simple:

Lex has developed a SPLIT PERSONALITY!

However, since he is so egotistical, his 2nd personality is him instead of someone else!

QotC, what an inspired idea!! You're probably right.

AnnaBtG. (wondering whether Lex would dare harm "Lex"... let's hope so <G>)

I have to apologise to anyone who is keeping up with the thread, and to all those people who logged into #rescue that evening and helped me try and rescue Lois... and to Jimmy and Jack, of course, for keeping you all on tetherhooks... but I'm here now, and I just have to say:

Lois isn't where she said she was. I searched the whole place, top to bottom (Superman helped) and found... nothing. Not a shred of evidence to prove that anybody had visited the place in the last twenty years, let alone taken a woman captive there recently. I haven't seen Jack for the past ten days. I've searched all of the other places that Lex may have been likely to take her, but... nothing. My search has come up blank, and now... I'm desperately worried that he's done something bad to Lois - worse than cutting off all that beautiful hair (don't worry, honey, you'll soon be back to your former glory. Hair grows.)

If anyone has seen her around...? I remember some people being extremely helpful in #rescue... if somebody knows where I could find her, or how I could get in touch, I'd be so relieved... Jimmy, are you out there? Have you found *anything*?

In the meantime, thank you, Kathy, for your good luck. No matter which Luthor I'm talking to here, the result will be the same. I'll find Lois, bring her home, and then Superman will deposit him - or them behind bars. For a long time. So take this as your due warning, Luthor[s] -- I will find her, and bring her home.

Clark

I, too, must also apologise for the lapse in time. Due to some really childish pranks pulled by certain members of my staff, I was... otherwise engaged for quite some time. You may rest assured that said members are no longer in my staff. That, and the fact that I've been busy... relocating, meant that this thread was slightly neglected - indeed, if it were not for the timely spotting of Mr. Kent's post, I would not be aware of the recent changes at all.

Mr. Lex Luthor -- I must admit that I am quite sorry to have to contradict you, as you seem quite a nice person, but I really have to insist that you stop this frankly ridiculos impersonation of me. It's laughable, really, for you to ask me to cease acting as you when in reality, it is you yourself you should be talking to... Jimmy, I'm glad that I can help on this point. Now you know for certain who the real Lex Luthor is.

Jack: I have already spoken to you about your deplorable behaviour.

Julie: Well, I'm honoured that you should choose to imitate Mr. Shakespeare, who was, as we all know, a man of great genius. However, I caution you in your choice of character - you are directing the quotes at the wrong person.

QoTC: Thank you for the funny joke. It certainly made me smile.

As for you, Mr. Kent -- do stop your whining, Lois is perfectly safe. I do admit that shaving her head was not the wisest of moves on my part, but as you so learnedly pointed out - hair grows.

I am now in a place of safety - neither manservant nor loyal [hah!] counsel are in my presence - only my beloved and I. Need I say that I am deliriously happy?

~Lex.

Clark!!!!

Where have you been???

Of course you didn't find me! You delayed so long that you gave Lex time to clear out the entire place and move me somewhere completely different! And do you think it's completely beyond his powers to make it look as if no-one's been there for years? You should have brought Superman with you - he'd have been able to see through that!

I don't know why the heck it took you so long. Superman I can understand: I saw a newspaper Lex left lying around - the Metropolis Star, would you believe?! - which said that he was helping to rescue victims after a tornado in Mexico. But you... WHERE WERE YOU??? Jack even managed to leave a door unlocked for you!

And now, Lex has killed Jack. I'm sure of it. I haven't seen Jack since the night you were supposed to rescue me, and I know he wouldn't have abandoned me. He just disappeared, and the next time I saw Lex he was looking very self-satisfied. That was just before he grabbed me and bundled me into a wooden crate for the 'move'.

Anyway. I can't stay long, because I don't know when Lex will be back. I think he's gone to sort out someone who's claiming to be him - I have no idea what all that is about, but he was muttering something about an impostor and that he would make sure the guy didn't get away with it. But he won't be long. He never leaves me for long. The only benefit of being in this place is that it's only him and me so when he's gone I'm alone.

So, I suppose you need my help again to find out where I am. I think we're out of the city - anyway, I can't hear any sound of traffic, so either that or we're very well soundproofed. And given when Lex left half an hour ago I could hear birds as soon as he opened the door, I think we're in the country somewhere. Probably high up - I might have been in a crate, but I'm sure we were climbing on the way up here. The crate slid all the way to the back of the truck - I hurt my ankle and shoulder, and they're still sore. Not that Lex will call a doctor or anything.

Oh, and whenever Lex calls for takeout it takes ages to get here.

We're not underground any more, but the windows of this place have been painted over. And the exterior walls are brick - old, heavy brick. This isn't recently constructed. The heating's old as well - not central heating.

Clark, please come and get me soon!! I can't fight Lex off much longer, and my ankle and shoulder make it worse. I think the longer it gets the less averse he is to... forcing me.

Don't let me down again!! I'm scared, Clark...

Lois

Lex,

I mean Lex member #599.

I know we haven't been properly introduced, but I'm sure you won't mind me calling you Lex.

As usual, I'm a bit late in adding my 2 cents here, professionnal life kept me soo busy (I'm sure a business man like you knows the drill). Still, I don't get why you're so upset and obsessed with bringing down "a certain guy in blue".

After all, what would a hero (heck, a god), mythologycal or else -let's call him 'Superman'- be without a good vilain character to measure himself to, without a devilsh opponent who'll bring out the best out of him? Let's call this evil counterpart Lex...I leave the member #number up to you .

What can I say? Maybe I'm an hopelessly romantic but for some abstract reason (and despite your extreme taste in the haircuts you granted Miss Lane with) I can't picture you as the 'arming or killing Lois' type of Lex (too bad, 'cause I really could use your advices in that field). Greek tragedies are great, but that would be ridiculous.

I won't blame your typos, after all, even the best reporters have some (take Lois, for example). But I only know a few countries where is spelled that way. As a matter of fact I...*gasp* *gasp* *re-gasp* (/me almost strangled myself at what I just implied) NO?! I must be wrong! (/me then calms down) Oh, I got it, it's one of your tricks, but I won't be fooled so easily! I mean, surely a high ranked strategist like you wouldn't be that predictable. You wouldn't give yourself so easily away...it would be so non-intelligent, so low-thinking, so not geniously brilliant, so...not you.

When you first talked about rats, I assumed you were hiding in the former Metro Club basement. But I had to dismiss the thought, again you wouldn't be that gullible (or would you?)

Anyway, it was a pleasure to meet you, Lex.

Carole (who finds rather hilarious that Metropolis hottest news team ended up with a "cub reporter" status <g>)

PS: By the way, I got the weirdest truncated email. It says

PPS: Lois, you mentionned countryside... could it be possible that you're being held captive in (/me shivers at the thought) ... Smallville?

Carole, I'm not sure what you mean about 'fiancée' being spelt that way in only a few countries; it's the recognised, correct English spelling (UK, US, Irish, Canadian, Australian etc) version of a word we stole from the French. How else might it be spelt?

Re. Lois's location, Smallville is way too far away for her to have been taken there by road - she mentions travelling by truck. I'm also not sure that she could have survived in a crate for longer than a fairly short trip, so a plane journey is impossible anyway. She also mentions climbing, ie driving uphill - my guess would be that she and Luthor are somewhere in the hills/mountains outside Metropolis.

So, Clark, start looking in the hills beyond the city! And get Superman on the job too - you both seem to be being very slack here. Anyone would think you don't want to rescue Lois!


Wendy

Oops! my mistake! Thanks for your reply and pointing that out Wendy .

But tell him to be careful if this Kryptonite threat is for real...

Carole

Actually, it's the less common spelling in the US. The more common spelling is fiancé.

Okay...so if Lex doesn't have a split personality, then perhaps cloning is involved?

Lois: You say the windows have been painted over? Oils or Acrylic? Sorry, my dad is an artist. Anywho, don't worry; help is on the way. We have given blood hounds one of your socks and their are quickly leading us to...a sock factory?! BAD DOG; BAD, BAD DOG!!!
Erm, sorry about that. Anyway, keep your chin up!

oh, thanks for the info, Rivka.

Well, I'm torn, isn't that #666 thing a tad too obvious? and I thought the suitable figure was #999? I must admit though that #666 sounds Lexer than #599 (but this one got two '9').

And, instead of clones or split personnality, how about Jaxon playing a nasty trick?

Carole

Rivka, even in the US a fiancé is what a woman has and a fiancée is what a man has. In other words, fiancé is the male version and a fiancée is the female.


Wendy

Then it's really stolen from the french! Well, thanks for those useful explanations, though.

Carole

Wendy, according to dictionaries, absolutely. According to usage, even well-educated people (as Lex likes to think he is) often use fiancé (often without an accent) for both.

I do know the difference between the two. But a quick survey of non-FOLC people on my AIM buddy list indicates that most Americans -- including ones with advanced degrees -- do not. Only the grammar geeks did.

Then again, perhaps it's just the Americans that use fiance for both sexes.

In Singapore, we use the dictionary definitions, both 'fiance' and 'fiancee' as well. As Wendy puts it Or perhaps it's a Commonwealth thing, and US is not part of the Commonwealth. Who knows?


metwin1

Agreed, metwin, that's why I specified that all the people I asked were Americans. Actually, that was my point, really.

Americans are the ones who use fiance, fiancé, and fiancée interchangeably. It's far from the worst usage issue of which we are guilty.

Kinda makes me wonder if Lex lives in an alt-universe where he attended a British or European boarding school as a teen.

I always watch my spelling and my grammer, and get ticked when other people don't. For example, it drives me crazy when people misuse:
Then-Than
there- they're- their
to-two-too
Quite-quiet (yes, believe it or not)
which-witch
wether-weather-whether
And I hate it when people say things like "she has went." Please.
But, then, I'm Canadian.
And I have studied grammer pretty deeply in my ESL class a couple of years ago, and in Israel.

I have issues with correcing people- I know they hate it, so I try not to, but sometimes I can't help it.
Julie

I think this discussion is getting waaaay off topic.

Clark, come save Lois! She seems really scared.

ps. I never even knew fiance wasn't interchangable

Thank you, thank you all a thousand times for your help and support in this. Thanks to Lois's hints, Jimmy and Jack's help, Superman, and all of your guidence and encouragement, I'm delighted to finally tell you that Lois is now safe and sound, back where she belongs -- and none the worse for wear, at least not if the rate at which she's talking is any indicator She still hasn't fully forgiven me for my 'case of delayed lunkheadedness' as she puts it, but I'm having a lot of fun making it up to her

Special thanks to Wendy, for that idea about the hills behind Metropolis. Your theory was proved correct. Luthor had transported them there - to a forboding citadel situated deep in the core of the highest mountain - and thanks to a good deal of help from Superman, Jimmy and Jack, we made a joint effort, rescued Lois and put Luthor behind bars, where he will remain until the end of his days, all in the one go.

So once again, thank you! This will probably be the last communication I have with you -- my world is worth living in once more, now that Lois is back in it, but trust me, I'll never forget you all, and the help you gave me...

Clark

Yay! I'm glad you found her, Clark! And I'm sorry you won't be posting to us anymore, giving us updates. Maybe Lois will come back one last time, just to fill us in? I mean, she must have gotten some revenge on Lex, right???? I mean, kidnapping is bad enough, but he did shave her head, after all. I bet by the time she got done with him, he was begging for Superman to take him to a nice safe prison!

So how did you find her? And did Superman help, hint hint?

Kathy

What? Oh! You were looking for me, were you, Kathy? Oh! Sorry... been kind of busy the last couple of days.

You know how it is. I mean, when you've been held prisoner by an evil villain and threatened with rape and had your head shaven and your boyfriend promised to rescue you and let you down and only finally rescues you days later when said evil villain has moved you to a new safe location outside the city... well, you and your boyfriend have some 'catching up' to do. Oh yeah, I did forgive Clark. After a while. Once he'd grovelled a bit. Well, a lot, actually. He's pretty good at grovelling, you know?

Anyway... yeah, as I was saying, we've been kind of busy. So, you were asking... did Superman help? Well, I guess you could say so. Discreetly. I mean, we knew that Luthor had Kryptonite, and Clark told me afterwards that he... uh, I mean Superman, really, I guess, was being very careful. No sighting of a red cape, no K, see?

And then once Luthor was all tied up, Superman flew me back home. That was nice... very nice. Though I have to admit that it's not as nice as being kissed by Clark... that's a pleasure I won't give up again in a hurry!

I think that's about all - oh! Yes! Jack wasn't dead after all! He'd escaped when Luthor tried to kill him, and he found his way to Clark. He and Jimmy worked with Clark to find out where I was and get me out of there. I'm going to be extra-nice to the two of them... oh, for at least a couple of weeks.

And Luthor's pre-trial hearing is coming up soon - in fact, that reminds me, I must rush and do my witness statement!

Clark! CLARK!! Clark, you know I love kissing you, but I have a lot of work to do here! What? Oh! Umm... well, I guess you can write it a lot faster than I can... oh, okay then!

Thanks for all your support and help! Bye guys! Got some serious making out to do...


Lois

Only one question left to be answered...

What about the two Lexes?

Clark said:

Which one?

AnnaBtG.

Only one of the Lexes was holding Lois captive, Anna, so I don't think Clark could do anything with the other one ... hmm, /me thinks he'll be back again to play someday.

Kathy

Lois!!

It's wonderful to see that you are safe. I'm a bit worried about your mental condition after the whole ordeal, however. I suppose it's only natural that you would - er, bond with the one who rescued you. But, please - Kent? ::shudder::

I, myself, expanded every effort to find you. At times it felt almost as if Clark and his friends were actively working against me. It is due to his childish behaviour that it took so long to deliver you from the clutches of that evil imposter. If he and his friends had accepted my leadership and help, we surely would have found you sooner.

Why, at this moment, you and I could be together if Clark had not sent me on a wild goose chase through the Metropolis Reclaimation Facility. The mutalated Barbie doll (complete with its hair cut off) that I un-earth only underscores the childish nature of the one you claim as "saviour."

Yes - I'll sadly admit to being duped this once by that hack from Nowheresville. I was blinded by my desire to secure you from the poor, wretched creature who treated you so brutally.

Lois, darling, save your ink on the witness papers. Just between you and me, someone as mentally unstable as that imposter will surely have an unfortunate accident in the very near future. Prison is, after all, a very dangerous place.



Let me know what I can do to help you recover. Take my advice and stay way from your supposed partner. I fear he has less than honourable motives for smothering you with his "affection."

Yours forever,

Lex