No, this isn't about the fic you're thinking of. No, not even that one! This is a Flame Thread. For what story, you ask? Well...none, actually. Let's face it; if there were a fic we really didn't like, we'd probably just skip it without a word. But maybe there's a clever insult you've got in your back pocket, or just a need to rage at someone/something with impunity *cough*2020*cough*. Well, here you are: a thread of pure flaming for The Worst Fanfic Ever (Not) Written by A. Straw-Author. Let the carnage begin!

Now, where was I? Ah, yes:

OMG, this fic is atrocious! Your spelling has Noah Webster Spinning in his grave! As for the grammar, forget Grammar Nazis: you've gone all the way over into Grammar Communism! Do you actually read, or do you just rub the books onto your face and hope to absorb the words in them via osmosis? Here's a thought, Straw: Try going for a swift impact with them!

Hey, Straw-Author, What makes you think you can write? Your characters are flatter than Wanda Detroit. I'd say that they were "more two-dimensional" than Wanda, but that would give your characters credit for at least one more dimension than they actually possess. You make Lois Lane look like Shakespeare. Your story is even worse than the First Fanfic of Lois Lane -- and that takes some doing. You do realize that a bunch of random incidents strung together does not constitute a plot? Also, trying to use all possible (and some impossible) points of view in a single story is not something to aspire to.

In fairness, I will say that your story does excel in one area -- it is perfect fodder for an English teacher to show a class what not to do.


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p.s., Queenie, I *love* this idea!

This is fun!

Not your fic, mind you. Because that was just boring. I fell asleep after the first paragraph and almost knocked my laptop off the table as my head hit the keypad.

You claim that English is your native language. Sure doesn't look like it.


People in my class made that mistake when we first started learning English. Perhaps you need some more lessons?

Or did you actually want to write a story about Clark being turned into a bird? Then you should explain how that happens. This is just plain confusing!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Your story's as bad
As this wannabe poem.

Your writing would improve if you were to take writing lessons from Snoopy, the "world-famous author."

Straw-author, even conspiracy nuts think your plot is implausibly convoluted! Your protagonist is so dumb she stares at orange juice that says "concentrate", and your antagonist is so dumb he stares at juice that says "freshly squeezed"!

1. My cat once walked across my keyboard and wrote a more compelling, concise story than you did.

2. (insert the Simpsons gif of Bart throwing away the "You Tried" cake here)

3. You should have labeled this as a biohazard because it's a piece of (censored).

4. Wet cardboard has more dimension than your characters. And not even life support could save your so-called "plot."

Your story contained the following gem: I'm not sure whether to talk first about the dangling particle or the Tom Swifty, so I'll give the same advice for both: Don't use either type of construct unless there is a compelling reason to do so. You *might* be able to get away with a Tom Swifty, for example, if you are writing a story that contains a lot of tongue-in-cheek metahumor. In such a story, it *might*, *possibly* be appropriate to contain a sentence such as, "Look how fast I am running," exclaimed Tom swiftly." Even that is a stretch. At this stage of your writing career, it would be better to avoid such constructs altogether.

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BTW, I thoroughly enjoyed your post, Deadly Chakram.

Look, A., surely you know that gerunds (verbs with "ing" stuck on the end) are used as either nouns or adjectives - i.e., "The bad fire downtown became known as The Burning" or "The burning building collapsed in on itself." They are NOT adverbs! Although I believe that one might apply either of those made-up examples above to your own pitiful stumble. Nearly all of the suggested warning labels for fanfic - especially, well, all of them, really - apply to your massive infodump/Mary Sue/nightmare narrative.

Dear author:
I cannot begin to guess what languages you may have studied in school, but English (any version) does not appear to be among them. Please choose 1 (one) version of English and use it. (Theatre and theater in the same sentence? Really?)

Remember, spell check and grammar check are not your enemies. However, even spell check cannot help if the words are so malformed as to be unintelligible. (What the heck is 'poirson'?)

You call this writing? Dripping a tiny spider in ink and letting it run across the page is better writing than/then this!

By the way Queenie, this is the best!

Such a fun thread!

1. I tried to read this, but I don't hate myself enough to subject myself to that kind of torture.

2. I'd rather live through 2020 again than read this inane drivel.

3. What in the dumpster fire did I just read?

4. Whatever your day job is...don't quit it to write professionally.

5. Congratulations on committing every word crime possible within the first paragraph of this...I hesitate to call it a "story."

I'm going to remember this thread the next time I get to beta a story. I suspect I'm not the only one, either.

Take a look at this and let us know what you think. It's pertinent to this thread. (DC made me think of it with her last point.)

And be sure and catch the photo beside the definition at :04 seconds. Look quickly or you'll miss it!

Terry, Weird Al is one of my favorites, and yes, I was totally thinking of that song when I used the phrase "word crimes!"