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Posted By: Darth Michael Ficathon: The Wedding Crashers - 2/5 - 01/09/09 07:33 AM
Hi Guys!

It’s so great to see I haven’t scared everyone off. Yet peep I hope you will find this part just as entertaining (or more) as the first one. And as promised, there is lots of Lois in this part.

Special thanks go to my great betas, Mona, Kmar, and Carol. You are the best smile

Disclaimer: The recognizable characters and settings in this story are the property of D.C. Comics, Warner Bros., December 3rd Productions, and anyone else with a legal right to them, and I have no claim on them whatsoever, nor am I profiting by their use. It’s just the original stuff, that would be mine, written down to bring some entertainment to other FoLC.

Blocks in < >are literal thoughts by the character or telepathic communication.

Rating: PG

**********

In part 1, the New Kryptonian’s Zara and Ching arrived on Earth, secretly trailed by a mysterious hunter with the ability to imitate other life forms. They stumbled upon Ellen Lane, and found out about Lois’ connection to Kal-El. Meanwhile, Lex Luthor got ready to marrying Lois by toying with a captured Superman.

Part 2 / TOC / Comments

**********

Lois was comfortably sitting in a plush chair in front of the vanity and watched the hairdresser work her hair into a more elaborate style when the door was pushed open after a short knock. She turned towards the door and enjoyed the fresh breeze wafting into a room where the air was thick with the fumes of too much hairspray. Her wedding dress was still hanging over a mannequin in the corner of the room, and she was clad in a simple shirt/jeans combination.

“Ms. Lane?”

Lois turned her head towards the door and saw another nameless aid enter, followed by her mother.

“Your mother is here,” the aid told her in a sweet voice.

The bride-to-be suppressed the urge to add a ‘Candy’ to her ‘Thanks’ and focused on her mother. The older Lane woman looked slightly flustered and carried herself with a notable stiffness. Lois closed her eyes and worked hard to stop herself from screaming. Her mother was drunk again. Today was her *wedding day* and her mother was *drunk*. Again! Her father hadn’t even bothered to show up. Her sister was off in California, cavorting in the sun with the Malibu beach boys. And her mother was drunk. Only *her* family would conspire to try and ruin what was supposed to be the happiest day in her life.

She sighed silently, pasted a smile on her face, and finally decided to greet her mother, if a bit icily. “Good morning, Mother.”

“Yes. Good morning, Child.”

Lois furrowed her brows. She would have suspected a slur marring the older woman’s words, but aside from the odd greeting, she seemed quite in control of her voice. Maybe her mother had only had a small bottle of vodka with her morning coffee…

“I’m glad you managed to come,” Lois added and pointed towards a seat. “Please, why don’t you sit down for a while? Do you want…”

Lois looked towards the aid who promptly answered, “Cindy.”

“…‘Cindy’ here to fetch you a nice, strong cup of coffee?”

“Yes.” Her mother moved to the indicated sofa and looked down at it for a moment before lowering herself onto the soft cushions.

“It will only be a minute, Mrs. Lane,” Cindy confirmed and left them alone with the hairdresser – Lois worked her mind – Jacques. Yes, that sounded about right. Jacques, the hairdresser.

Stifling another sigh, Lois ignored her mother and concentrated on the upcoming event – her wedding. She still couldn’t believe this was really happening. Just a few short weeks ago she had been single and loosely dating the most – second most – eligible bachelor in the world, and now she was about to *marry* him.

And none of her friends were here. Clark had been the first and had left her in the cold because of his sick jealousy. And Perry and Jimmy had just followed suit; why, she still could not understand. And in less than two hours she would become *Mrs. Lex Luthor*. This time she couldn’t manage to completely stifle the sigh that escaped her lips.

**********

Jacques was just starting to remove the curlers when the telephone rang. Lois bent forward and picked it up. “Yes?”

“Mrs. Luthor,” the voice of Lex’s ‘assistant’ came through the speaker.

“What is it, Mrs. Cox?” Lois answered coldly. She just didn’t like that woman. Mrs. Cox had always reminded her off a cross between a high-priced hooker and an assassin. And come to think of it, that seemed to be a very good combination if she was specializing in the rich and famous.

“There are unexpected guests down here, Mrs. Luthor.”

<Clark?> Lois heart-rate sped up. “Clark?” she exclaimed hopefully.

“No.” Mrs. Cox’s voice seemed to have dropped and was now downright chilly. “A young woman and a man claiming to be your sister, Lucy, and her *close* acquaintance.”

“Lucy?” Lois asked in surprise. Had her sister really come to her wedding despite her ‘timeout’ in California? Of course, she still had to bring a boy toy with her, but Lois wasn’t going to frown upon that now. And besides, this was a wedding and people *did* usually bring dates to a wedding. “I thought she’s in California…”

“Yes, that was my understanding as well. But apparently they flew in from…” There was a pause and then Mrs. Cox’s voice returned. “…Malibu. They ask to see you.”

Lois couldn’t help but smile. “Well, send them up.” She hung up and beamed at her mother. “Would you believe it? Lucy has come all the way across the country to attend my wedding.”

“Yes. This is… good news.”

Her mother’s tone told a different story, and Lois frowned again. “Is there a problem, Mother?”

“No, of course not,” she responded flatly.

Remembering her mother’s often voiced criticism at her daughters’ chosen lifestyles, Lois added, “And she’s bringing company. So could you *please* just let it go? At least today?” Her eyes implored her mother to follow her pleading.

“Of course, Child.” Her mother rose and placed the cup on the coffee table before she turned towards Jacques. “Could you please… leave us alone?”

Jacques looked from Lois to her mother and back to Lois again. “Mademoiselle Lane?”

“Please, do as my mother asks.” Lois reinforced her mother’s suggestion, unwilling to bring the Lane’s family business out in front of a virtual stranger. “My hair is almost done anyway.”

“Oui, Mademoiselle Lane.” Jacques placed the comb back on the vanity and bowed slightly. “Please, do not hesitate to ask for my assistance when you require it.” He paused. “I… do not wish to mar Mr. Luthor’s wedding by bad hair, oui?”

Lois rolled her eyes and nodded. “Thank you, Jacques.”

**********

A few minutes after Jacques had left, Lois heard another knock on the door. Again, it was pushed open without so much as an invitation. Lois sighed as she watched Mrs. Cox enter the room, followed by two strangers, a man and a woman, both dressed in charcoal gray suits. The man looked to be about the same height as Superman and had thick, wavy hair. The woman was somewhere between her and Clark in height. Her partially braided hair was of the same brown color as her companion’s and fell well below her shoulders from what she could see. She also wasn’t wearing any make-up, Lois noted with surprise. And most importantly, she was *not* Lucy.

Nonplussed, Lois sharply stated, “Okay, what’s the joke?”

Her mother seemed to be surprised as well, as she rose from the couch and stepped closer to the door.

“I beg your pardon?” Mrs. Cox asked, her voice barely hinting at the surprise Lois could see in her eyes.

“*That’s* not Lucy!” Lois pointed towards the woman.

The woman raised her hand. “Please, let me explain…”

Her companion looked towards Lois’ mother, and there was a strange look on his face. Her mother seemed to be quite edgy as well.

“I think, I’d better call security,” Mrs. Cox stated forcefully before Lois was startled by her mother crashing a left hook into the side of Mrs. Cox’s head.

“Mother!” Lois gasped in surprise before the woman who had obviously posed as her sister started to draw the door shut, and the man directed a martial arts kick towards her mother. Then her eyes widened even more when her mother fought back with four-inch *claws* and her rose-colored dress started to shimmer and darken. The woman moved closer to Lois, and the startled reporter chose to employ her knowledge of Tae-Kwon-Do to quickly send the stranger to the floor with a well-practiced throw. Next, Lois picked up a bronze vase that was about the size of her forearm and turned back to the melee in front of her. She wanted to help her mother, only there was no trace of the older woman to be found, and in her place Lois could see a… creature dressed in light brown garbs that looked like leather. The creature was clawing at the man, and Lois decided to go with her gut.

There was a resounding ‘clunk’, and then an eerie calm settled over the partially trashed room. The creature was lying in front of her and not moving. The vase sported a large dent as it was lying right next to Lois’ victim. The stranger was gasping and slowly drawing himself up on his arms. His female companion slowly crawled to her feet, muttering something that sounded like ‘gin’, and Mrs. Cox seemed to be out cold as well. Lois couldn’t help but feel a satisfied twinge in her stomach at the sight of the cut and the bruise developing just below the right eye of Lex’s ‘assistant’.

Still panting for breath after the unexpected exertion, Lois straightened herself and assumed a defensive pose. “Okay, let me ask this one more time before I call the cops. Or Lex. Or-” A malicious smirk crept onto her face. “-*Superman*.”

The strange woman froze in place, her eyes widening. “Superman. Yes.” Her breathing sounded a bit strained, but she seemed to have recovered extremely fast after the way Lois had sent her to the floor.

Maybe she needed to tone up her martial arts technique, Lois mused before she shot back with a raised eyebrow, “You *want* me to call Superman?” She folded her arms as she regarded her opponent, who was now slowly getting to her feet. “You *do* know he’s not going to like *this*-” Lois indicated the jumble of bodies on the floor. “-one bit, do you?”

“No.” The woman shook her head, and Lois couldn’t help but feel a satisfied twinge at this more normal reaction of a crook when faced with the prospect of coming face to face with the Man of Steel. “Help Superman.”

“What?” Lois blinked, genuinely shocked. “What do you mean by ‘Help, Superman’? That’s *my* line, you know?” she quipped, her voice rising in pitch.

The woman was now standing, and her eyes darted back and forth between Lois and her companion before she let loose in some really strange language. It sounded like a combination of Chinese and an Eastern European dialect. Or something.

Lois watched the exchange for a few more seconds, and realizing that the woman’s companion was also on his way to getting back up, she decided to take the situation firmly back into her own hands. Luckily, there was a second bronze vase standing on the ledge. “Okay, I think that’s enough,” Lois informed her uninvited guests uncompromisingly while brandishing her makeshift weapon. “I want you *both* to *sit down* while I call Henderson.”

Before Lois could reach for the telephone, the woman had turned to her and both her hands were outstretched in a warding-off gesture. “No. Please. You have to listen.”

Lois snorted derisively and reached to pick up the phone when the next sentence stopped her cold.

“Superman is in pain.”

“What did you say!?” Lois snapped as she whirled around to face them fully. If they were holding Superman captive and hurting him, she was going to make sure they would pay a *very* dear price. “I swear, if you hurt Superman…”

“Not us.” The woman looked back to her companion and then again to Lois. “We want to help Superman.”

Lois frowned and took them in a bit closer. They didn’t look all that impressive, and they most definitely didn’t look like they were government agents. Not that she trusted the *government* to look out for Superman. So what could they do to help Superman? “You’ve got *two* minutes.” Lois held up her left index and middle finger while her right hand still brandished her impromptu club.

The woman looked a bit confused but then she shrugged and started her tale. “My name is Zara of the Royal House of Ra.” She indicated her companion. “This is Lieutenant Ching, my bodyguard and adviser.”

“You people sure don’t believe in excess weight, huh?” Lois sniped offhandedly while her mind tried to process the information. ‘Royal House of Ra’? What in the name of the King was that about? And why was she suddenly starting to quote Elvis? She really missed her friends…

The man, Lieutenant Ching, chose to add to the conversion. “No, we do not have any resources to spare.”

“Ching.” The woman, Zara, silenced her bodyguard with a sharp snap.

Now *that* was something Lois could familiarize herself with, given how she liked to be on top as well.

“We have come here from New Krypton…”

“Krypton!?” Lois interjected again, her voice high in surprise. “That’d where Superman is from…” What was going on? And why did she *always* attract the loonies…?

“Yes.” Zara nodded. “We are… his people.”

“Yeah, right,” Lois grunted sarcastically, her eyes narrowing. “I think this conversation is over.”

“No, please.” Zara reached into her jacket and pulled out a silvery object. “This is the crest of the House of El. Kal-El… Superman’s house.”

“Kal-El?” Lois was befuddled. These two loonies seemed to have made up an entire *history* of facts about Superman. Although, giving him a name seemed kind of elaborate and easily thwarted once he stated his real name to the press, meaning her.

“Yes. Kal-El. The name given to him upon his birth by his father.” The woman looked apologetically. “I do not know why he chose to name himself ‘Superman’ on this world.”

Lois blushed at that but decided to remain silent. After all, Superman surely had had more reason than simply not wanting to correct her in public for keeping the alias she had given him. “Okay, fine. Let’s just say I believe you for the moment. Not that I do, but let’s just assume I do, okay?” Lois took a deep breath. “That still doesn’t explain why Superman – excuse me, *Kal-El* – is in pain.” And with that, she hoped she had the conversation back to where she needed it, on the potential danger to her… to Superman.

“Yes.” Zara looked thoughtful for a moment. “We do not know *why* he is in pain. We only know he is.”

Lois snorted. “How?” She held up her right hand, the makeshift club horizontally in front of her face. “Don’t tell me. You can ‘feel his pain’, right?” she asked, derision dripping off her voice as she finger quoted with her left hand.

Zara looked startled. “You know about our telepathy?”

<Okay, *what* now?> Lois was taken aback to say the least. “Telepathy?” Her voice was beginning to sound squeaky. “Are you guys for real?”

“Please, forgive us.” The Kryptonian, if that’s what she was, looked confused. “I had thought you had said…”

“Look, lady, I was being sarcastic,” Lois sniped. “But I mean, sure, telepathy. Why the hell not?” She started to wave her arms around in agitation. “After all, Superman can fly and stop bullets with his bare hands. Hell, he even lifts spaceships into orbit.” She paused and got a dirty look on her face. “Oh yeah, and can use his vision gizmo to peep at… unsuspecting women. So I guess telepathy isn’t *that* farfetched.” Then she realized that this probably also meant he had listened in on her most *private* thoughts about him and felt a deep blush creeping into her cheeks.

Zara drew in a sharp breath and the man, Ching, was standing with his mouth agape. “Please excuse me, but you said he did what?” Zara looked genuinely shocked.

“What?” Lois was confused. “Don’t tell me you don’t know about his powers?” Lois rolled her eyes. “I mean, come *on*. If you’re playing the family reunion bit, the least you could have done was check up on Superman.” Lois opened her arms in an exaggerated gesture. “Every *four-year-old* with a television knows what Superman can do.”

“We…” Zara appeared to be at a loss for words. “We have only just arrived here. We do not know about Kal-El’s powers.”

“We did see an… image of him flying, Milady,” Ching added.

“Yes.” She nodded. “But this is not important now. Kal-El is here, in this building, and he is in pain.”

Suddenly Lois felt the desperate need to sit down, and the plush sofa two feet behind her seemed to be just fine for this task. She flopped down with an audible gasp. “Could you repeat that, please?” she whispered after a few heartbeats and looked into the eyes of the woman who had identified herself as Zara.

“Kal-El, Superman… He is here, in this building.” She grew somber. “Of this there is no mistake. And he is in great pain.”

“But Superman is invulnerable…,” Lois muttered, her thoughts running wild. There was just *no* way Superman could be here, in Lex Tower. The *entire* building was owned and operated by Lex. There was simply no way the government could have a secret lab here. Lex would never allow it. He knew how much she felt for Superman. She paused in her thoughts. Well, Lex knew what a good *friend* Superman was to her. So Lex would never allow the government to use his facilities for such nefarious purposes. And besides, how *could* anyone hurt Superman. Unless… “Kryptonite…” Lois uttered almost inaudibly.

“Yes?” Zara asked.

Lois looked back up at the two strangers who looked distinctly worried at the moment. “There is a substance, a green, glowing crystal that is said to be harmful to Superman.” She snorted. “It’s a myth, sprung from the delusional mind of a fanatic.” <And published by me,> Lois added silently to herself with a feeling of utter remorse.

Zara and Ching shared a look, and then the woman closed her eyes, her brows furrowed in concentration before she gasped. “Kryptonite!”

“Huh?” Lois uttered.

“Kal-El, he confirmed it. He says there is Kryptonite everywhere.” Zara looked shell-shocked.

“Are you for real?” Lois felt the lump in her throat plummeting deep into her stomach before she asked the next question, her voice very small, “Who would do this?”

The odd couple shared another look and after Ching nodded, Zara closed her eyes again. This time Ching had to steady her when she reopened them. “Luthor?” she asked weakly.

Lois only managed a strangled gasp. Either this was a *very* elaborate scheme by Clark to discredit her fiancé or these people had just told her that her fiancé was trying to murder Superman.

She looked to the two unconscious persons over by the door. There was the creature that was just about the ugliest guy she had ever seen, including the beaten up boxers from when she had hung out at Menken’s Gym. With fingernails that resembled claws, claws that had been quite sturdy while he had attacked Ching, given how they were still intact.

Her gaze wandered to Mrs. Cox, and she remembered another oddity from a couple of days ago. ‘Series K’, a project whose details where ‘confidential. ‘Series *K*’, as in *Kryptonite*. But it *had* to be a coincidence, right? After all, Lex was a *good* person and the only one who had *ever* voiced mistrust had been Clark. Well, and Perry and Jimmy after Clark had gotten to them.

Lois suddenly sprung to her feet, startling her ‘guests’. “*BASTARD*!” she screeched and hurtled the bronze vase across the room, right at the vanity where she could see the reflection of her wedding gown. At least until the mirror shattered and her tears clouded her vision. She sank back down onto the sofa and let the salty streams wash the dust from her eyes.

**********

“This woman is crazy,” Ching stated in their native Kryptonian while staring in shock at the crying woman in front of them. “This whole *planet* is filled with crazy people.”

“Ching!” Zara decided to cut him off. “Must I remind you of your position?”

“No, Milady,” he answered reproachfully.

Zara suppressed a sigh at her companion’s outburst. He was always so formal, so pressed for protocol. And yet, he was also her closest confidant and most trusted adviser. And… maybe more; to say that their personal situation was frustrating would be an understatement. Of course, it did not help that her position demanded she marry a man she did not know. A man for whom she did not harbor any feelings at all. And a man she still had to rescue. Her eyes fell onto the woman in front of her. These aliens did not know how easy their lives were…

A groan from the door startled her. She looked over and saw the assassin begin to reawaken. “Ching.”

“I see it, Milady.” Ching quickly looked around the room and his eyes settled on the device sitting next to the shattered mirror. It sported a long, curled wire that would hopefully be strong enough to restrain the vile creature. She watched as Ching worked as quickly and efficiently as always when he ripped the cord from the device and proceeded to tie the assassin’s arms, wrists and legs behind his back. “This should hold him,” he stated while using some cloth he had found to gag the assassin’s mouth.

Zara nodded. “At least for now.” Her eyes traveled over the bound creature’s form. “Do you think that…?”

Ching turned the assassin on his back so they could have a better look. “I believe so…”

“Hel-lo?” The female voice came from behind them, and Zara needed a moment to realize the address was not in Kryptonian, but in the native’s tongue.

“Is this a private conversation?”

Zara turned around to the earth woman, Lois Lane.

“Because, you know, that… *thing*-” The woman indicated the assassin. “-did a very… *inspired* portrayal of my mother, and I’d really like to know-” Lois Lane stood up and went over to her, her voice at once very combative. “-what the hell happened to my *real* mother!?”

Zara’s eyes widened a bit as she took in her new acquaintance’s change of behavior. Gone were the tears that had offended Ching so much, and in their place Zara could see a quite intimidating fire.

Before she could answer, Ching chose to intervene. “*This*-” He nodded to the floor. “-is a creature known as Tez among our people. He is an animal. A vicious killer in the pay and service of Lord Nor.”

The earth woman looked back between Zara and her companion. “Nor?”

“A… political rival,” Zara elaborated carefully. It would not do to explain Kryptonian power struggles to such an agitated audience. Especially given their designs for Kal-El.

“‘Political rival’?” The Earthling snorted and rolled her eyes. “Here on this world, politicians don’t usually send out assassins.”

“Lord Nor is not a… typical politician on our world either,” Zara couldn’t help but add smartly. Conversing with this woman was just so… different from the endless debates in court.

“I’ll bet,” Lois Lane rolled her eyes before growing more serious again and focusing on Ching, who took a step back, Zara noted. “So, what has this… Tez done to my mother.”

“To the best of our knowledge…” Ching paused. “Nothing.”

“Then where is she?” The other woman glared at Zara’s bodyguard, and she could sense his discomfort. Perhaps this encounter would teach him some respect for the indigenous people of this world.

“Is your mother a fighter like you?” Ching surprised her with his response, and Lois Lane raised an eyebrow as well.

“No,” she muttered distractedly. “What’s that got to do…”

Ching didn’t let her finish. “Then Tez will not have killed her.”

“Huh?” The woman furrowed her brows. “And how can you be so sure of that?”

“Tez does not kill randomly.”

“You just called this Tez a ‘vicious killer’, and now you’re telling me he didn’t harm my mother because she wasn’t his *mark*?” Her voice had started to rise again.

“Yes.” Ching shot Zara a look and a mental request for approval to which she acquiesced. The mission was what was paramount. “She will most likely be tied up somewhere, perhaps unconscious.” Ching straightened his back. “There is no reason to assume she has been… seriously harmed.”

“Good.” Lois Lane glared at Ching and then at Tez. “Then ask him-” She nodded towards the assassin. “-where he put her and let’s get going.”

Ching shook his head. “That will not be possible.”

“Excuse me?” She stared at Zara’s bodyguard in shock.

Zara chose this moment to actively enter the conversation. Obviously, Ching was not very eloquent when it came to dealing with headstrong women. In fact, she seemed to be the only one able to handle him. “Tez has failed in his mission. He will bring his life-force to an end once he wakes up and finds himself bound and unable to assassinate Kal-El.”

The other woman snorted and folded her arms defiantly. “Then *we* will *look* for my mother!”

“And risk capture?” Ching confronted her. “That will not be prudent. Kal-El is our priority.”

“Then *you* go find Superman, and *I’ll* look for my mother.”

“There is still the question of the… ‘Kryptonite’,” Zara added as she remembered the searing pain transmitted over the telepathic link. “Is it also…”

“Rats!” Lois Lane seemed to deflate at that. “If you guys really are Kryptonians like Superman…” She shook her head. “This is not good. This is *so* not good.” Her eyes looked back to Ching, and Zara thought she could see them glistening. “My mother really *is* okay?”

“Ching?” Zara prompted her bodyguard.

“Yes.” He nodded. “To the best of my knowledge, Tez will not have harmed her,” he elaborated seriously.

Lois Lane sighed and stepped to the door, grabbing a short jacket made from the same blue material as her pants. “Then let’s go. But if I find out you’ve lied to me…” She did not finish the sentence, and the glimmer in her eyes told Zara that she didn’t want her to finish the sentence, either.

**********

Clark rolled onto his stomach in an attempt to get up. It had not been long since he had heard the voice for the second time. He no longer thought it was his mother, but he had no idea who or what it was. Maybe the Kryptonite was finally driving his mind over the brink, in addition to his body.

He shivered but it didn’t matter. He just *had* to get up. Clark had no idea how long it had been since Luthor had paid him his diabolical visit, but he knew he didn’t have any time to waste. He just *had* to get out of this cage. He just *had* to prevent the wedding. He couldn’t let Lois marry this monster.

By now Clark was on his hands and knees, the air rasping loudly through his lungs as he tried to suck in more oxygen.

<Kal-El!>

Clark paused; the ethereal voice was back. “Y-yes?” he managed to ask the empty room.

“Where are you?”

Was it Death? Was Death a woman? But why would Death need his help in finding him? Was it because he an alien on this world?

“Who are you?” Clark asked the air around him.

<I am Zara.>

She didn’t sound like she was Death. And he didn’t think that Death had a name…

<Kal-El, I have come to rescue you. But I need your help.>

<Rescue?> His wracked mind tried to understand. “Lois!” A violent cough shook his body but he tried to steady himself. “Save Lois.”

<Lois Lane is with us. Where are you?>

Clark froze at that. He must be hallucinating because whatever this entity was, Lois couldn’t be with it.

“No. Lois.” He took in a deep breath. “Save Lois.”

His words must have worked, because the mirage stopped its words, and Clark dropped back to all fours. Lois was safe. That was all that mattered.

<Kal-El.>

“Go away!” Why couldn’t she just save Lois and leave him to die…?

<*Superman*! Lois wants to know where you are. She will kick your caped butt if you keep silent.>

Clark froze at that. Either he was completely gone now, or Lois was really a part of whatever *this* was. “Wine cellar,” he answered automatically before another cough let his body spam. “Luthor’s wine cellar.”

<Thank you, Kal-El. We will come for you now.>

“No! Get Lois *out*!” Clark drew himself to his feet and reached for the door. The moment his hands touched the bars, he let go of an inhuman scream, the Kryptonite burning into his skin as he rattled the door. A moment later he fell away from the bars as if he had been electrocuted and crumpled onto the floor in the middle of the cage. Then everything went black.

**********

tbc
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