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I'm not sure exactly why I am posting this, here, now. Maybe it is because I have found this community so welcoming and encouraging since I started participating again last summer and maybe because I just need to say this "anonymously" for right now because I can't even imagine how to deal with this in "real life".

I just found out today that my mother has pancreatic cancer. (She is 60.) They are still doing tests, but they think it is probably stage iv. It had metastasized to her gallbladder, which is how they found the cancer--she had been having severe back pain for weeks and when they saw an inflamed gallbladder, they removed it and found the cancer. The doctors are meeting on Tuesday to discuss "options" but I of course just googled this, and the prognosis is about the worst it could possibly be. I'm not even sure we have months.

I don't even understand this. Cancer does not run in my family at all, except that my mother's grandfather did die of pancreatic cancer. Her own 94-year-old father is still alive (and she is main caregiver outside of his assisted living facility, which raises a whole other set of issues for his care). It may sound odd to some, but my mother is absolutely my best friend. We talk every day and have since I went away to college over a decade ago. I had taken a job last fall to move closer to my family after having had to work far away from them for several years. And now, we have no time left. I'm sorry for being a bit of a jerk with this post: I just had to say these things. Anyone know of good message boards for families of cancer patients to exchange info?

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{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Hi, you don't really know me. I'm pretty new here (only here a couple of weeks).

So sorry you and your family are going through such a rough time. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.

I don't really know of any boards off hand, but if I hear of any, I will let you know.

And it doesn't sound odd at all when you say your mom is your best friend. I'm lucky enough to have the same relationship with my own mother. We also talk every day.

You are NOT being a jerk by posting. Part of what makes the message board community so wonderful is the support we can gain and give to others.

{{{{{hugs again}}}}}


Battle On,
Deadly Chakram

"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent

"One little spark of inspiration is at the heart of all creation." ~ Figment the Dragon

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Thank you so much for the kind words, Deadly Chakram. It really does mean a lot to me. Sitting in my old bedroom at my parents' house at 3 am and unable to sleep, I was comforted by your message. Thanks again. smile

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Anytime Nora. Cancer sucks. It took 3 of my grandparents.


Battle On,
Deadly Chakram

"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent

"One little spark of inspiration is at the heart of all creation." ~ Figment the Dragon

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Sometimes you need the anonymity of a message board to get out what's hurting the most. I lost my aunt to cancer (she was 49). I was teaching in France at the time, and luckily got home in time to spend a few months with her. She deteriorated very quickly. We spent a lovely day of shopping together (this was in 2005 and I still get teary-eyed at the thought) that summer, and she died the following February. I'll never forget her indomitable spirit.

So I guess what I'm getting at is the best thing you can do is spend time with your mom. Create beautiful memories to hold on to forever...And never stop fighting. I know the prognosis isn't good, but hope will give you the strength to spend time with her and make every day count.

And vent here, anytime. smile


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Hello Nora,

I'm sorry. I lost my Dad to cancer when he was 61. He lived about half a year after his diagnosis. It was an incredibly difficult time for the entire family.

The one good thing about the whole ordeal was that we did have that half year in which to say everything we wanted to. Watching him go downhill was painful, but I cherish every moment we had together. Had he died by, say, being hit by a bus, we wouldn't have had the gift of being able say our goodbyes.

I know that that's small comfort to you right now, but, without knowing your and your Mom's beliefs in the hereafter, it's all I have to offer. That, and an e-hug: {{{Nora}}}.

Peace,
Lynn

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Thank you, Lynn and mozartmaid. I appreciate your support. And to you both, and to Deadly Chakram, I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost loved ones to cancer. Thank you for sharing your stories, painful as they are. I'm glad that you have that memory of your shopping trip with your aunt, mozartmaid. I'm sure that meant the world to her, too.

It is nice that we can say some things, but it is so sad because I know that this is the exact opposite of what she wants in terms of an end. My grandfather had a slight cancer scare a couple of years ago when he had an abnormal kidney function test and they thought it might be cancer (it wasn't). My mom and I were talking and were both adamant that we both wished for the "drop dead" end rather than anything involving extended suffering. But I know (and know that you all know) that life is anything but fair.

She told me last night that she doesn't want to do anything that would extend her life by a few months if it is going to compromise the time she has left, which I absolutely respect. But in reading online, it seems that the cruel twist with this particular cancer is that the treatments that make you so sick might actually be better than suffering with the disease, which is apparently brutal on quality of life fairly quickly. And there are so many other things to consider. My father has an extremely demanding job, as do I (which until recently included significant international travel). (I edit videos for here about once a month as sort of a creative release to keep me "sane" but otherwise, free time is at a minimum.) And so my mother (who is a stay-at-home mom) handled almost everything regarding regarding both their finances and mine (as I'm not married). She also handled everything regarding her house and mine in terms of coordinating maintenance. I feel like I need to step in right away and take over these items at least on my end and probably for them, as well (my dad is a brilliant man who would be absolutely lost having to pay the monthly bills). But I don't even know exactly how to say that to her. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent here. I think you're right, mozartmaid, that sometimes it is easier to say things on a message board than to say them anywhere else. I do really appreciate the support.

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Hi Nora:
Condolences to you and your family. Go to your local American Cancer Society office and get advice and help. There is a whole world out there of cancer survivors and their families. And they provide good advice and support.
I lost my father to breast cancer when he was 52 and I was 21. Yes, men can get breast cancer, but back in 1963 that was unknown and never talked about. At least now there is help and support.
Also, don't sell your father short in supporting your mother. One of the things I learned about my assumptions of my parent's relationship were that some of them were wrong.
Work to be Team Dad and Daughter to support your mother. Do funny, silly things together while you can.
Good luck and best wishes. Build good memories, they last a lifetime.
regards
Artemis


History is easy once you've lived it. - Duncan MacLeod
Writing history is easy once you've lived it. - Artemis
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Nora,
I'm glad you posted here. The boards really are a great place to talk about how you're feeling and get support and prayers - these boards especially! I will be praying for peace for you and all your family and for as little pain as possible for your mom. Please do keep us updated on her status. <<hugs>>


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Hi Nora,

We lost my stepfather to cancer in March. We had a good relationship but it never occurred to me just how much I had to thank him for until the end. You're fortunate to have a good relationship with your mom. Even so, the people in our lives should hear how much they mean to us--even if it had been said before.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. There are a lot of people who have been there. I can't add much to Artemis's advice except to lean on your friends in times like these and I'll keep your family in my prayers.

David


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Hey Nora,

I'm glad you posted. This group has honestly gotten me and others through a lot of family deaths. Sometimes it really does help to be just a little anonymous and get it all out there, and we're all here for each other to offer thoughts and support.

Life just flat-out isn't fair. My grandmother had pancreatic cancer. She lasted a grand total of 6 weeks. I honestly suspect she was sicker longer than she would admit; she probably decided on her own that the pain of treatment just wasn't worth it, and she enjoyed her life right up to the end.

My mother is also one of my good friends, and I can't imagine being in your shoes right now. I will definitely include you guys in my prayers tonight. I do know people who have had relatives last more than a year with pancreatic cancer, and I pray that you and your mom get as much time as possible. Please keep us updated.

God bless,
JD


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Hi Nora,

I know you don't know me very well, but I understand what your going through.

My great-grandmother has been battling stage 4 colon cancer. And strangely enough, she's my best friend.

My best advice is to make the most of the time you do have. It's not the quantity of life, It's the quality.

Cancer often does skip generations, so the fact that her father didn't have cancer doesn't mean much.

I'll keep your family in your prayers.

*virtual supportive hug*
Jenna


Jenna: "That's enough! You release the Charactors from this tragedy right now, you little gnome. Or I promise to send you somewhere far worse than the fifth dimension!"

Kazbo sarcastically: "You have me so scared!" menacing: "try dealing with this!" throws in a slow, agonising death. then disappears.
-from an arguement with Kazbo, the evil muse
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(((Nora)))

I lost my brother to cancer last year. He was 41. It's hard when you lose someone you love. Be honest with everyone--your mom, dad, any other relatives and friends--and let them be honest with you. One thing my family did early on was to just admit that we had no idea how to even approach the entire end-of-life season, and agree to give ourselves and each other tons of grace.

As far as resources, look into hospice care. They can help a lot, even if your mom stays at home. My brother stayed at my parents' house until the very end, and the hospice nurses visited him there. One of them even came to their house on Christmas Day to check up on him when he wasn't feeling well. Of course no one wants to go through this at all, but since we had no choice, it was a blessing to have experienced people at hospice to lean on.

It's hard to watch your mom suffer. Know that just having you near will help her. When you don't know what she needs, ask her. Sometimes my brother wanted to talk about his illness, and sometimes he wanted to be distracted from it. Sometimes he wanted company, and sometimes he needed to be alone. Sometimes he wanted help, and sometimes he wanted the dignity of doing what little he still could for himself. Sometimes he wanted stronger meds for the pain, and sometimes he wanted a clearer head. You'll all figure it out as you go along.

Cancer sucks, no doubt. Come vent here anytime, and know that
there are other folks here who have been where you are and come out the other side. You will get through this, and, though you will always miss your mom, you will learn to be happy again.

Michelle


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Hi Nora,

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. You did well to post here; the people on here are lovely and very supporting, and there's no need to apologize at all.

Wishing all the best to you, your mother and the rest of your family.


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Keep posting as you get your prognosis from the doctors. We want to be there for you each step of the way.

Pat

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I really cannot express how much I appreciate everyone's posts and PMs. Your support, suggestions and good thoughts mean a great deal during this extremely difficult time.

I also appreciate those of you who have opened up to share the stories of your own struggles with the disease. I'm sorry that I have not posted additional thanks in a few days: it has been a whirlwind of doctors, getting treatment set up and getting affairs in order. Michelle, I am so sorry to hear about your brother. How terrible that he was lost at such a young age. Thank you for the suggestions, though, regarding the tightrope that needs to be walked. Even though the diagnosis is new, I am seeing how that comes into play already.

Shadow, I'm sorry to hear that your grandmother suffered with this disease. I have great admiration for her in dealing with the disease on her own terms, though. In a life we cannot control, at least she passed on her own terms. And Jenna, I am so sorry that your grandmother is having to battle colon cancer. I will be thinking good thoughts for you both. I know that it must be a struggle for you to maintain positivity and strength when someone you love has their "down" days during this process. I'm sure that you are a great comfort to her during this battle, though.

For those who asked, my mom's prognosis is very poor, as it generally is with metastatic pancreatic cancer. When it is inoperable and so advanced, there is really not much hope for remission. (Pancreatic cancer has the lowest survival rate of all major cancers.) The doctors ultimately told her about 6 months, barring unforeseen complications, possibly up to a year if she responds particularly well to chemotherapy. My heart is broken, but I am able to enjoy the time that I have with her. Unfortunately, she is already experiencing severe symptoms from the disease and side effects from the palliative treatment, but I will just be there for her as she has always been for me. Thanks again, everyone. I really appreciate it.


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