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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 234
Hack from Nowheresville
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OP
Hack from Nowheresville
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 234 |
Argh. It's late, and I shouldn't be doing this right now. But I couldn't help it, so here I am.  Pain. Incredible, searing pain that made it impossible to breath, impossible to move. Every breath he took was like an ice pick stabbing his chest, twisting in his heart, his lungs. He was in an alley, somewhere, but he had no idea where he was or how he got there. All he knew was that he was in pain, and Lois was in danger.
He tried to climb to his feet, but was overcome with nausea, vertigo. He managed to crawl to the side of the alley, to the nearest building, ignoring the glass on the ground that slashed at his hands and shredded the knees of his slacks. He finally got to his feet, leaning heavily against the rough brick of the wall. Slowly, keeping his bloody hand on the wall for support, he headed for the lights on the street beyond. <clutches at own chest with a suddenly aching hand> My dear, this is exactly why I couldn't keep away from this chapter when I saw it posted. I think I've earned myself somewhat of a reputation for angst at this point, but you just catch it in a net and then freeze-dry it so it's completely unchanged and real when it gets to us. And what a powerful image, of Clark pushing forward like that, ignoring his own pain as he thought of Lois . . . “Thank you,” Martha murmured as she hung up the phone. “Jonathan? What have they done to our baby?” Tears ran down her face as her husband of thirty-five years took her in his arms, not bothering to hide the tears on his own face. Would she react like this, though? You'd think the automatic reaction would be more like, "Oh, well, then. Where is he?" But I guess if he hasn't shown up to the farm yet, it would be a cause for concern . . . and no mother likes to hear that her son's been shot. “Multiple gun shot wounds, three anterior thorax, no exit wounds we can find. Looks like a forty-five,” the trauma nurse told him. “Pulse 125, BP 80 over 60.” The rest of the team was following the protocols as they wheeled into preop. The patient had been stripped down for examination and treatment, IVs started with large bore needles. He’d been intubated in the aid car on the way to the hospital, but now the anesthesiologist was replacing the ambu-bag with the fittings for the respirator. Electrodes had been placed on his chest and the green blip on the small ECG screen bounced along in an abnormal but merry way. First of all I had to quote this passage so sit in awe at your medical knowledge. I forget--are you a nurse or something, or have you just done (a lot of) good research? And then my own little morbid smirkiness had to wave and say that she loved how you described the blip going on its "merry way." Completely caught me off guard, but I loved it. “Unless the slugs were radioactive.”   Once again, amazing job. I'll be waiting for the next one! SmirkyRaven
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,483
Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,483 |
Yeah, I need to redo the scene with Martha - it's too early for them for them to be really worried.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 234
Hack from Nowheresville
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OP
Hack from Nowheresville
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 234 |
Still good, though. Other than that, everything else flowed smooth as butter. SmirkyRaven
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 573
Columnist
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Columnist
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 573 |
Oh, this is so evil... and great. I hope to see more very soon!
Jessi
"Lois Lane is Clark Kent's Superman." - Brian Miller
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 2,018
Kerth
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Kerth
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 2,018 |
Framework4
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,483
Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,483 |
Without a wallet or somebody to tell them, the ED people won't ID him at all. In fact, they don't much care until the patient's stable. And since they're dealing with a gunshot victim, IDing him becomes a police matter. (Which is in the next section when I get it done - computer issues.)
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Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,441 Likes: 1
Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,441 Likes: 1 |
nice nice 
If she had to move heaven and Earth, perhaps come back to haunt Perry and explain the story after they'd killed her, she would do it.
Waking a Miracle by Aria
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,999
Merriwether
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Merriwether
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,999 |
Strong instalment. You lead us on very well. We are given hints of what's going on with Clark and why he's hurt without actually coming out and baldly saying it.
I agree that Martha and Jonathan would be confused and a bit concerned that they hadn't heard from Clark, but not distraut... yet.
I like the blood aspect with Lois, but am looking forward to the answer to the contradictory elements of the bleeding.
Tank (who has always thought that TOGoM stories are great fun)
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,864
Merriwether
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Merriwether
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,864 |
Oh, heavens. I can't believe I missed part four. I read parts five and six, but figured you glossed over the parts that wouldn't be different from the episode. I missed out on a lot. This is a powerful segment. The description of how Lois automatically functions, giving a clear concise story despite her wandering thoughts. The description of what Clark is experiencing is also well-done, as is the way in which he is rescued. Her conversation with Perry was well-done, although Perry's conversation with Martha and Jonathon was the weakest segment. I can picture Perry giving a well-laid story in the same manner that Lois did with the police, and that is how you write it. But I felt he got off-track when he said: “Clyde Barrow, apparently,” Perry told them. “Look, I’ll call you when I find out more, okay? Clark was a good kid.” I can't see Perry giving speculative information to the grieving family. Maybe he would make a promise. "I don't know all of the details, but I can promise you that when I find out you'll be the first to know. Also, I felt like Martha panicked too soon. It doesn't make sense for her to fly off the handle just from Perry's tone-of-voice. But perhaps when she gets thinking she could get concerned. But only after she realizes how much time has passed since the shooting. I don't know. The description of the doctors is also well-done. You are certainly a word-smith on this segment. And Lois's reaction is poignant. Finally, I enjoyed your explanation on how the clones were done. Very creative. Also quite plausible for this canon. An excellant part I'm glad I didn't miss. Elisabeth
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,483
Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,483 |
I admit, I think I'll be massaging the Perry/Martha section for a but more before it goes to FF.net and the archives. But this is what reviewing is for. 
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