Table of Contents

From Part 6:

Imagine if he actually had to *see* her with another man.

That thought wasn’t at all pleasant. He’d have to move again if that happened... when that happened. That’s all there was to it.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see her happy. He wanted that more than anything – safe and happy. But he couldn’t – he wouldn’t – just sit back and watch her with another man. Watch her be held by another man. Watch her kiss another man...

That *would* be more than he could take.

“Hey, I was just teasing,” she said, grabbing his arm and jolting him out of his thoughts. “You know there’s nothing between me and Dan. Honestly... I’m not sure there ever would have been.”

“Yeah, I know,” he told her, his voice sounding a little unsteady. There wasn’t anything between Lois and Dan - right now. But when she found out that she wasn’t otherwise engaged with someone else...

Lois watched Clark as he fidgeted, his expression dark with emotion. What was up with him? Surely he knew she was just kidding with him? Even if she was still upset with him over the whole Superman situation, she knew there was only one man for her.

And she had chosen Clark over Dan, after all. Why should this bother him so much? But, then again, if everything she had learned was true, she had turned down his proposal. Was that it?

Well, they were going to move past that tonight.

“So?” she asked.

“So?” he shook his head, looking confused.

“Are you going to come over for dinner...?”

“Oh. Yeah,” he stumbled and then he threw her a crooked grin. “But why don’t I cook for you?”

**********

PART SEVEN

**********

“More wine?” Clark asked her, picking up the bottle and flashing her a smile. He knew he shouldn’t be enjoying this as much as he was. It was only going to break both of their hearts later when she got better and he had to come back to reality.

“No, better not,” she said, as she came walking back to the table with dessert. Homemade fudge brownies. Clark had said they were his mom’s special recipe and that he couldn’t make them quite as good as she could – but close. The smell of chocolate was almost intoxicating – or maybe that was from the wine. “I’m having enough memory trouble as it is.” She set the pan down on the table next to him.

She lifted her eyes from the pan to his face and she noticed that he had a little speck of spaghetti sauce next to his mouth. Temptingly close to his lips.

“Mmm, you have a little sauce...”

“Where?” He started to reach up for his face, but she beat him there. She applied her mouth to his skin and slowly and methodically removed the sauce with the tip of her tongue. She thought she heard a guttural moan escape from him but before she could question it, he was kissing her.

He reached up, cupping her face with one hand, his fingers gently pulling her down towards him to deepen the kiss.

Clark had acted without thinking, and now that his brain had kicked in, he wasn’t about to stop. He had missed kissing her. He had missed it a lot. The eager pull of her mouth against his made him feel more alive than anything else ever had. He knew he should stop this but he didn’t want to. And he couldn’t even blame it on the wine, either. It was entirely Lois. He was drunk on Lois.

He deepened the kiss, tasting wine and something else, something solely hers, in the recesses of her mouth. This had been a bad idea – coming over tonight for dinner. He had flirted with her, enjoying her company and the teasing warmth of her eyes. He had wanted this all night, had hoped for it, even half-planned it.

Clark urged her down, onto his lap, and she came willingly. Her hands tangled in his hair and brushed across the back of his neck, sending little sparks of desire down his spine to gather low in his groin.

Had she ever kissed Scardino like this? What if she ended up with Dan once she realized that Clark had broken up with her? He increased the intensity of their kiss, a new desperation filling him as he realized that he loved her more than ever.

Lois could feel his body begin to tense. He seemed conflicted. It was time. It was time for her to force him to come clean with her. He had been avoiding her all day and now she had him here, where she could corner him. Where he couldn’t escape.

She said a silent prayer that no one would need Superman... at least not until she was through with him.

Lois pulled gently away from the questing attention of Clark’s lips and looked at him tenderly. “Clark, if I asked you to do something for me, would you do it?”

Clark’s mind was still swimming from the kiss but he could feel his heartbeat quicken. Do what? It depended on what she wanted him to do...

No, no that wasn’t true. He knew it wasn’t. At this moment, he would do whatever she asked of him. He nodded at her, unable to find his voice.

“Take me flying.” She thought back to the card she had found in her journal this morning.

<‘Still dreaming about that night in the clouds...’>

She couldn’t remember that night, but if she couldn’t remember it, then maybe she could try to relive it.

“Flying?” That caught Clark totally off guard. He wasn’t sure what he had expected her to ask – but it hadn’t been that.

“Yeah, you know, just because you want to and not because Superman just saved me. I’ve always wanted to fly with you. You told me once that you’d take me, remember?”

Clark thought back furiously, trying to remember when he had promised to take her flying. It was ironic. She was the one with the missing memories but he was the one who couldn’t seem to remember.

He shook his head when he came up empty. “I’m sorry...”

“It was when you left to destroy the Nightfall asteroid. You promised me you’d come back... that we’d go flying. But we never did. Of course after having amnesia yourself, you probably forgot.” She gave him a weary smile. “We make quite a pair.”

She was wrong, though, he did remember now. He remembered the fear in her eyes as she’d watched him go. He had been afraid, too, but he had wanted to be strong for her. He wondered if telling her that he would come back and that they would go flying together was what had helped him find the strength to make it back?

Clark held back the painful grimace before it reached his face. They had been flying together since then. He closed his eyes remembering their night together in the clouds... when Lois had told him that he wasn’t alone any more.

She had been willing to stay beside him, to assure him that he wasn’t alone but, instead, he had left her.

He knew he shouldn’t do this but he wanted it more than anything else right now. He glanced toward the window. It was getting dark and if he took them high enough into the night sky, no one would be able to see them. Superman wouldn’t be putting her in danger by being seen with her.

Lois watched anxiously as Clark seemed to have some kind of inner struggle with himself. She laid one hand against his chest softly. “Please?”

Her final plea was his undoing. “Yes, Lois. I’ll take you flying.” He took her hand from his chest and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Just let me change.” He got up from the table, taking a couple of steps away from her, and spun into his suit. He smiled when he saw the awed expression on her face. For her this was still all so new.

He held out his hand to her and felt the heat flow up his arm and through his body when she placed her hand in his. He led her to the window, opening it with his other hand, and then turned back to face her.

“So how do we do this?” she asked hesitantly. “Usually when I fly with you, you’ve just scooped me up from the jaws of death.” She flashed him a nervous smile.

When he smiled back it threatened to weaken her legs to the point that he really was going to have to scoop her. He lifted his arms slightly and she took the hint, sliding her hands around his back.

Clark fought the urge to embrace her and instead took hold of her below her ribcage on either side, gently raising her into the air a few inches. “Put your feet on top of mine.”

“What?”

“If it will make you feel more stable, you can put your feet on top of mine.”

She wiggled her toes, working the small black pump off of one foot to let it fall the short distance to the floor below and then used her toes to pull the other shoe off. She knew it was silly, but she didn’t want to put her feet on top of his with her shoes on.

The sole of one foot found the smooth surface of his boot and she applied a little weight to it, and then she did the same to the other one.

Clark lifted them out through the open window and up into the darkness above. It was a crisp, cool night, not a cloud in sight, and she could see for miles. The moon wasn’t full; it was missing part of the upper curve, but it was still big and bright.

A slight shiver ran through her and she nestled into Clark’s chest, wrapping her arms around him a little tighter. She hadn’t thought to put a jacket on before they left, but it didn’t seem that she was going to need one. It was amazing how warm he was. She laid her head down softly against his shoulder and dared to move her face closer to his neck.

Clark hesitantly moved his hands from where he held her to wrap his arms around her. It was only to keep her warm, he reassured himself. When he felt another shiver run through her, he wrapped his cape around her as he had before, on the flight that she didn’t remember.

Having her here with him, floating under the stars, he wanted to push the world away; to pretend that everything that had happened and everything he knew to be true, didn’t exist. Up here, right now, there were no villains after them. For just a little while Clark could pretend he hadn’t told her that they couldn’t be together. For this moment, all was perfect in his world.

A breath of wind caught the scent of her and bathed him in it, a mixture of her shampoo, his favorite perfume, and the fragrance of just *her*.

He had read that the sense of smell was the strongest of the senses, able to conjure up memories and feelings in a way that none of the others could. He believed that. Her scent conjured up images of all the times he had held her this close; first as Superman – usually as Superman – but then as Clark. She smelled so tantalizing, enchanting, just like when they had fallen together onto the couch the night of their almost first date.

That night had haunted his dreams recently – along with the thought of never holding her in his arms like that or ever being that close to her again. He remembered how the weight of her on top of him had felt. He could recall in perfect detail the flex of her hands on his biceps as she pushed herself upright. She had shifted her lower body against his in such a way that even the memory of it still made him break out in a cold sweat.

And now, here she was... in his arms again. Clark closed his eyes, pushing away the disquieting thoughts that were trying to break through, and simply held her.

The moment was perfect. Part of Lois hated to break the spell, but she knew it was now or never. Clark was relaxed, he was vulnerable. If she was going to catch him off guard, it would have to be now.

“Wasn’t there something you wanted to tell me?” she asked softly, her lips moving against his neck as she spoke.

“Tell you?” Clark asked nervously. No, not now. Please, not now.

“Yes. Earlier today, in the car, you said you had something you wanted to tell me, but not then. You told me to ask you later.” She paused for effect. “This is about as “later” as it gets.”

Clark bit back a frustrated sigh. He had been right. She was going to keep pushing until she made him tell her everything. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want this to end.

But it had to. Deep down he knew it did. “Okay. But let me take us back to your apartment.” He couldn’t do this with them dangling several hundred feet above the ground. He needed something steady beneath him, giving him strength. And she would need more stability, too.

He was tensing up. Lois could feel the tightness as it flowed through his body. He was afraid. She didn’t want him to feel afraid or hesitant. It had to be difficult to propose to someone only to be rejected the first time. What if he couldn’t work up the nerve to tell her what had happened... or to ask her again? She wanted him to feel her love, her acceptance.

Clark set them down gently inside her apartment and started to unwrap himself from her, but she held on to him tighter and moved her lips up to his ear. “If you ask me, I’ll say yes,” she whispered encouragingly.

Clark’s breath caught in his chest. She knew about the proposal! Somehow she had figured it out.

But how? She surely didn’t remember it? Had someone told her? But who? Perry? Was that what she had asked Perry about this morning? Clark almost felt dizzy as his mind hurled questions at him.

And then he couldn’t think at all anymore. Lois was kissing him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and laced her fingers through the back of his hair as she pulled him closer to her.

Clark couldn’t help himself. His heart knew what he wanted and it wasn’t going to be denied again.

He wanted her.

He wrapped his arms back around her and pulled her against him as he deepened the kiss.

Wrong.

He had been so wrong.

How could their being together be wrong when it felt so right?

So positively and unquestionably right.

His life was so chaotic, so hectic. Nothing ever felt as right as when he was with her.

He needed her. He wasn’t sure he could live without her. And he was absolutely certain he couldn’t live with seeing her in another man’s arms. How could he face a future where her lips were only captured by another man? Having to know that someone else was touching her body...

Lois - her body, her mind, her soul – all of her would be treasured and shared with another. His mind screamed at the thought and he moved them, their bodies still pressed together and their lips still joined, until her back was against the wall behind her. He released her mouth to explore the taste of her skin along her jaw line and down her neck. He sucked lightly on the delicate skin in the hollow at the base of her throat.

“Oh, Clark,” Lois moaned, sliding a couple of inches down the wall as the strength in her legs failed her.

The soft intensity of her voice as she said his name pulled him back to reality. What was he doing? How could he even think of doing this? She didn’t remember that he had told her that they couldn’t be together. If she knew that, she wouldn’t have allowed him to do this in the first place.

And she would only be able to remember any of this through a written journal.

It wasn’t fair of him to make these memories with her under false pretenses. He loved her too much to take advantage of her missing memories and her confused feelings.

Clark pulled back from her lips and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. “Lois, we can’t. You won’t remember any of this tomorrow. It’s not fair.”

Lois nodded wordlessly, stepping out of Clark’s arms and leading him over to her loveseat. She picked up a small card from the table and handed it to him. “I can’t imagine *that* flight being any better than the one we just took.”

Clark looked down at the card and his lips curved into a bittersweet smile.

‘Still dreaming about that night in the clouds. Take all the time you need – I’ll always be here for you. Yours forever, Clark.’

His heart ached. He had promised her so much and it must have hurt her deeply when he broke up with her. For a vague, unsettling moment he wondered if he was even more to blame for her current amnesia. Had it been the shock of his breaking things off between them that had caused this? Was this how her mind was coping with the loss? Was her mind resetting itself each night to the last happy memory she had of him?

But that couldn't be right, could it? She had been happy on Spencer Spencer's island. She had been happy that first night in the clouds. And she had been ready to say yes to him when he had told her they couldn’t be together; and she was ready to say yes to him now. She wanted him to propose to her. What if he did it? What if he made things right between them? Would she wake up tomorrow with all her memories intact again?

But he couldn’t propose again now. Things were too unresolved, too unsure and there was no guarantee that doing so would fix things. Clark knew that he loved her and he didn’t want to see her end up with someone like Scardino. But if he ever could propose to her again, it certainly wouldn’t be like this – with Lois unaware of what had happened between them and unable to remember things from one day to the next. It wouldn’t be fair to her and it would be based on a lie. Or, even worse, a desperate experiment. He couldn’t play with her feelings like that.

Clark was suddenly determined that he wouldn’t hide anything else from her ever again.

And yet he didn’t want to tell her what had happened between them. He didn’t want to lose her. A feeling of desperation washed over him and he dropped to his knees in front of her.

Lois’s breath caught in her chest as she watched Clark kneel on the floor in front of her. Oh god! He was really going to do it. But then he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her tightly, pressing his cheek against her stomach.

Clark held on to her, not wanting to let go, terribly afraid that he was about to tell her the truth.

“I’m sorry,” the whispered words escaped from his lips before he realized he was saying them.

Lois pulled back from him and looked into his eyes. The deep sorrow she could see in them shook her to the core. “Clark? What’s wrong?”

Clark looked away from her, trying to hide his feelings. Why had he said that?

<Her condition could be permanent...>

Did he really need to tell her? Couldn’t *he* just forget? “Nothing,” was his reply.

She knew he was lying. She had seen it in his face all day. And somehow she knew now that his pain wasn’t from her rejecting him.

Something else was wrong.

And she was about to find out what that something was. “Nothing, huh? I tell you in no uncertain words that I’ve accepted your proposal and then you tell me ‘you’re sorry’?” Her voice had begun to rise in timber. She was actually beginning to regret what she had said. “Then, when I ask what’s wrong, you try to tell me it’s nothing?” Clark’s shoulders slumped and he flinched at the heat in her words. “I’m not stupid, Clark. What am I missing here?”

He started to turn away from her as if that was somehow going to save him from answering her. She reached out and grasped his jaw in her hand, turning his head so he had to face her. “You’ve avoided talking to me all day and now you can’t anymore. Why don’t you fill me in on just what I’ve forgotten over the past month?”

If he told her she would write it in her journal. She would wake up and relive it every single day until her memories returned – if they returned. No, that wasn’t the truth. She would wake up and remember how thoughtless he had been even after her memories returned.

He wasn’t ready to tell her. “Not right now, let’s just...”

“No. Clark. Now,” she commanded him, letting go of his face and crossing her arms in front of her.

“Does it really matter?” he implored. She was surprised by the depth of emotion in his eyes. They were beseeching her not to ask again. “You may not remember any of this in the morning and I’d really rather just enjoy the rest of our evening.”

Whatever had happened hadn’t been good – otherwise he wouldn’t be so adamant about not talking about it. Her reporter’s instincts kicked in and wouldn’t allow her to let it go. These were *her* memories, too, after all; she deserved to know what had happened... whether she would remember tomorrow or not. Besides, she could write them down. She could make herself remember.

“No. I *need* to know, Clark. This is my life we’re talking about. My memories. I can’t just go on and pretend like the last month never happened.” She exhaled an exasperated breath. “I mean, maybe I’ll have to, if it comes to that, but I plan to at least document the things I’ve missed out on. If I can’t remember them myself, I can at least have a record of them.”

Clark was feeling a little panicked. He was right. She wanted him to tell her what had happened so she could write it all down and then relive it each morning when she woke up and read her journal.

No.

No, he couldn’t do that to her. He wouldn’t.

His stomach seemed to twist in guilt. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to... lie to her. Well, not exactly lie. He could just change things... a little. He would come clean with her when her memories were back.

It was entirely possible she would remember on her own – without his help.

“Clark? I’m waiting.” He was trying to decide something. She could see it in his eyes and it was written all over his face. But what?

“Yeah. I know. It’s just... Where do I start?”

“You start from the beginning.” And you don’t leave anything out, either, she added silently. Was that what he was trying to decide? What *exactly* he was going to share with her? He’d better not think of withholding anything. These were her memories and she wanted them – the good, the bad, and the ugly. “Clark?”

“Yeah?”

“Please, be honest. Just because I don’t remember what’s happened doesn’t mean you have the right to embellish anything... and don’t think I won’t be able to tell, either. Superman may have pulled the wool over my eyes for the past two years – but I dare say he won’t fool again.” She arched an eyebrow to emphasize her point. “Promise me.”

“Promise you?”

“Promise me that you’ll tell ‘the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth’ so help you...” She reached out and took his chin in her hand, again, forcing him to look her directly in the eyes.

“Lois...” He tried to look away. Memories of the night he had gone to visit her and Dan had beat him there were flashing through his mind. Clark had watched, his heart breaking, as Dan had gone inside Lois’s apartment building with her so they could talk and Clark had simply flown off – resigned to the fact that he had lost her. How many times was he going to have to lose her before she remembered everything?

“Promise me!” she demanded, holding him firmly in place so he couldn’t escape. Of course she knew she couldn’t do that if he didn’t let her. He could fly right out her window - if he had a mind to - but she was also certain that he knew better than to try something like that.

“Okay, okay. I promise.” Clark swallowed and wished desperately that he were anywhere but here right now.

**********

“I think I want you to leave now,” Lois said quietly. Clark had spent the past hour recounting everything to her. She had kept her journal open in front of her, trying to take notes and yet becoming slowly swallowed by the words he was telling her.

She looked down at the words she had penned that were now staring up at her in permanent ink. He loved her. He had proposed to her. She loved him. Somehow she just knew she had been ready to give him her answer. And... He had left her. He had ended things. He had run away like a... coward.

No, that wasn’t fair. He wasn’t a coward. He was afraid, but not for himself. He was afraid for her.

But that didn’t excuse what he had done. He had made the decision by himself. Did he think she was stupid? Did he think she hadn’t considered the important issues? Like knowing what it was *really* going to mean to be his girlfriend? All the secrets she would have to keep? All the times she would have to be alone? And yes, even that she might be making herself a target.

She’d thought about it. She knew she had – whether she could remember thinking about it or not. But he hadn’t even given her a chance to explain her point of view, to share her thoughts with him. He had just decided to play the big, dumb, alpha male and make the decision for both of them.

And that made her mad.

Really, really mad.

And it also hurt. It hurt like hell to know that she had lost him. And now she was going to wake up every morning and lose him all over again.

She understood – now - why he had been so reluctant to tell her the truth. For the briefest of moments she even considered ripping her latest notes from her journal. But that wouldn’t fix anything, not really. It had happened and she was going to have to deal with it.

“Lois, please... don’t.”

“Don’t what? Why would you even want to stay, Clark? We can’t be together, remember?” she stated bitterly. “That means you shouldn’t be here.”

“Please, you didn’t let me finish. You don’t understand. That’s not how I...”

“No, Clark, I understand perfectly, and I think you should go now.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be alone,” he argued. “Why don’t I see if...”

“No. I want to be alone. I don’t want you to stay and I don’t want anyone else to, either. I’ll get through things on my own just fine. Like I always have.” Damn him for making her feel like she needed anyone, like she needed him. She got up from the loveseat and walked to the door, opening it.

“Okay, Lois, okay. I’ll leave. But I’ll come back by in the morning to check on you.” Clark’s voice sounded sad... resigned, and she had to steel her heart against it.

This wasn’t her fault. He had done this to himself. *He* had made the decision and he was going to have to live with the consequences.

She watched him walk out her door and she closed it behind him, letting out a shaky breath.

Oh, Clark, how could you?

She felt a tear trying to escape from the corner of her eye and she reached up to brush it away, determined not to give in. This was why she didn’t let people inside. This is why she had carefully constructed a wall around her... but Clark had managed to worm his way inside it.

And look what had happened.

She walked back over to the table and picked up her journal. How would she feel in the morning, when she woke up and read the words she had penned on these pages? She bit her lip; she knew exactly how she was going to feel – like she had been punched in the gut.

Lois walked into her bedroom and retrieved her *list* from her nightstand. She glanced through it. Items one, two, and three would remain as they were. She needed to know she had amnesia, that she knew about Clark and that she had cut her hair. But, after that, she needed to make some revisions. She marked through items four through seven and moved her pen down to the space below and began to write.

4. You have a new neighbor named Star. She's responsible for the plant in your bedroom. Note - apparently she is a reliable source for information on your private life. Because of her you discovered something important - see item five.

5. Clark proposed to you. It's true. You confirmed it with Perry and then managed to get Clark to admit it, just before you forced him to tell you things that had happened the past few weeks - including the fact that the night you got that bump on your head, he broke up with you. He gave you the stupid reason that it was too dangerous for Superman to be with you - people might use you to get to him. But, yet, he still somehow thinks it's okay for the two of you to be friends. What's the difference? Girlfriend... friend-friend... it's the same! Well minus a few things that you'd really rather not give up.

Lois paused there, realizing her mind had begun to drift. She was thinking about how it felt to kiss his lips and feel his strong arms wrapped around her, to feel the quickening of his heartbeat when he held her in those arms.

Focus, Lois. You're mad.

Clark had been incredibly dense and she was going to make him pay for it. She looked back down at item five and added one more sentence.

For more information on this, see pages fifteen through twenty of your journal.

6. Blue suit located at cleaners and picked up. Scratch that one.

7. Milk is fine - for another three or four days - but make a note when you go to pick up a new carton to get some fish food, too.

8. You have a dinner date with Dan Scardino tonight at six o'clock - it's for some information about Project Nirvana (see journal). He's coming to your apartment to pick you up. Remember to take your journal and take good notes.

9. Your medication that Dr. Peterson prescribed to help with your memory is in a little brown bottle in your medicine cabinet. They are liquid filled capsules, honey in color. You take one each night at bedtime.

She taped the note to her alarm clock and then proceeded to go retrieve her pill bottle from the cabinet. It was time to take one of those pills. The sooner she got better, the sooner she could put this whole mess behind her and get on with her life.

With or without Clark.

**********

To Be Continued...


Smile and the world smiles with you ... frown and you're just giving yourself wrinkles.