Clark sat down to assemble the article on his laptop and include Cat’s pictures from her camera. His eidetic memory meant that he didn’t need a recorder for his contribution, but he’d taken Lois’ WayneTech device with him, along with Cat’s, to get all the information they’d collected.
Anything to keep from thinking about holding Cat’s body as the life leached out of her.
Anything to keep from remembering doing CPR on a dead woman.
Anything to hide from the pain of losing a close friend to mindless violence he could have prevented with one punch.
He kept his eyes clear as he described how an armed Apache helicopter from Fort Riley, the nearby Army base, had been sent to intercept and force the V-22 to land, where the remaining members of the Bureau 39 team had been arrested by Rachel Harris’ deputies, assisted by a second chopper carrying two squads of Army infantry. The men in the Osprey had seen the force arrayed against them and had surrendered without a single shot fired.
The lieutenant commanding the Army force had surrendered both credit for their capture and the disposition of those arrested to the Smallville Sheriff’s Department. Because the prisoners weren’t actually military personnel, just paid mercenaries, there was no argument over who actually took them into custody. The Army, though, had assumed responsibility for the Osprey, something to which the sheriff’s department gladly agreed. The Army had pilots trained to fly the plane, and the sheriff’s department did not.
Clark chose his words carefully and edited them without mercy. His laser focus on the screen kept his mind from wandering.
Anything to keep from seeing her waxen face in the emergency room when he and Lois had been asked to officially identify her.
Anything to push away the vision of him smashing Trask’s head against that rock until his brains sank to the bottom of the pond.
Anything to banish the sight of her blood dripping from his hand.
It was hard. He kept thinking about what else he might have done to save Cat, what he hadn’t done that would have kept her from being shot in the first place. Her face – that beautiful, lifeless face – would surely haunt him for a long time.
But he still had a job to do. He sent the finished product to Perry’s inbox, along with a note saying that Cat’s photos would follow, then called the editor with the bad news.
Perry was stunned into silence for a long moment when Clark finished speaking. “You – Son – you can’t mean it.” Clark didn’t answer. “You’re tellin’ me that – that Cat Grant is dead?” Clark sighed but didn’t speak. “Y’all ain’t playin’ some kind of really lousy joke on your old boss, are you, son?”
“I wish my judgement were that stupid, Chief. I’m sure you know that Lois is just shattered by this.”
He sighed. “I do. I’d guess you aren’t doin’ too good neither.”
Clark closed his eyes and waited until his voice was back under his control. “No. I’m not.” Abruptly, he had to stand up. His voice rose in intensity until he was almost shouting into the phone. “She saved my life, Perry! She pushed me off to one side and Trask’s bullet – he was aiming at me and she – she took it for me! I could have stopped him if I’d just—” He stopped to regain control of his volume. “I – I’m not sure how to deal with that.”
Perry took a breath, then said, “I think you’re tellin’ me you could’ve stopped Cat from bein’ shot if you’d stopped Trask. Permanently, I mean.”
He forced back the tears and took control of his voice. “Yes. I could have but I didn’t.” He waited for his boss to speak, but the older man kept silent. “Perry, how – I don’t know how to live with that knowledge.”
“You didn’t kill a man, Clark. You stuck to your principles and refused to take a life when very few people, if any, would have blamed you for finishing him off. You did good.”
Clark closed his eyes and took a deep breath before responding. “I don’t know if – I don’t see a way forward for me. Someone close to me died because I held to my beliefs. How can I live with that?”
“It’s the simplest thing you’ll ever do in your life, son. And the hardest. You put one foot in front of the other and keep walking, even when you don’t know where you’re goin’ and you ain’t sure where you’ve come from. I been there, Clark – in fact I think I’m back there again – and it’s a bad place to be. Just know that you won’t be there forever.”
Clark sat down again but didn’t say anything for a long moment, so Perry finally spoke again. “You two take whatever time you need, y’hear? I’ll let Cat’s family know what happened. Then I’ll tell the folks in the newsroom.”
“Thanks. I was not looking forward to either of those conversations.”
“You stay with Lois, son. You’re both gonna need a friend.”
“Thanks again, Perry. We’ll talk later.”
He hung up the phone and dropped his face into his hands. Lois’ touch on his shoulder made him jump. “Huh? Oh, Lois, it’s you. How are you doing, or is that a stupid question?”
She shook her head. “It’s not stupid. And I’m doing as well as can be expected.” She gently embraced him from behind the couch. “How’s your side, the one where Trask kicked you?”
“Still pretty tender. I guess that green crystal does lots of bad things to me.”
“The crystal isn’t what’s hurt you the most today.” She walked around the couch, then sat down next to him on his unhurt side and gently put her arms around his neck. “You haven’t dealt with death like this before, have you? Up close and personal, I mean.”
He stared straight ahead and clenched his fists. “As Superman, I’ve seen accident victims die, seen people beaten or shot or stabbed and not survive, but a friend – no. I’ve never held a – a close friend in my arms as she died.”
Lois took in and released a deep breath. “I have. In the Middle East while I was in the Army. I lost so many – soldiers and civilians both – I started to think I was some kind of jinx. It’s not something that ever goes away on its own. You’ll have to learn to deal with it. To do that, you’re going to need some professional counseling. And not as Superman – as Clark Kent.”
“You know I could have stopped him. He was right there – all I had to do was smash his head—” He broke off and clenched his teeth. “I kept to my principles and Cat paid the penalty. I put my beliefs above her life and it killed her. I was supposed to save her and I failed.” He groaned and crossed his arms. “Superman failed her.”
She touched his chin and rotated his head to face her, then looked at him with what he interpreted as confidence mixed with sympathy and shook her head. “Sorry, but no. Superman is the one who wears the garish outfit – a very sexy outfit, too – but your mind is the one who makes his decisions and your heart is the one that gives of itself and privately weeps for the ones the superhero couldn’t save. You made the hard choice, Clark, the choice to preserve life and not end it. If you weren’t the man inside the Suit, I wouldn’t respect Superman like I do.” Her voice softened and she stroked his cheek once. “Superman didn’t fail her. Most importantly, you didn’t fail her either.”
His eyes narrowed again and he felt his throat tighten. “What good is Superman if he can’t save everyone?”
Instead of answering, she took his face in her hands and kissed him, a soft kiss gentle as a mother’s with a newborn. “You would have saved her if you possibly could have. Her death isn’t your fault. If you had flown her directly to the hospital, she still would – would have died.” She touched her forehead to his for a moment, then slowly pulled back a few inches and wiped her damp eyes with her fingers. “You can never save everyone, Clark. All you can do is the best you can do and be satisfied with it.”
He took her hand in his and looked away. “I’ll never be satisfied with it, Lois. I can’t be satisfied to save some and forget about the rest. I’ll never let go of it.”
She turned her head and kissed his hand. “I’m sorry. That was a poor choice of words. I should have said that you need to do the best you can and accept that it’s not perfect and never will be perfect. That’s why you need to talk to a professional. I think it would be good for you to work with Dr. Friskin, but you need someone you feel comfortable talking with. She’s helped me a lot.”
He looked at her again. “You don’t sound like a victim now. Or a jinx.”
“I know, and I appreciate the irony. It’s – when I saw how you were hurting and heard the pain in your voice, I saw myself in Dana’s office, hearing all of her reasons why I still have worth, that I’m not a crazy killer. I’m responsible only for my own actions, not anyone else’s. And I’m not the one who shot Cat. Trask did that, not me, not you. And I remember what you told me a little while ago – that she showed her love for the two of us by placing her own life in jeopardy to save you.” She brushed tears from her cheeks with one hand. “It took this tragedy for me to see all that clearly.”
“So you’re okay with your part in all this?”
She stroked his hand. “No, I’m not okay. Not yet. I will always miss her, and I’ll probably need you to help me through some bad times and serious crying jags in the near future. But eventually I will be okay. Because I’m finally learning to do my best and accept that it’s not perfect and never will be.” She kissed him softly once again. “Will you at least start with Dana? Please? And if you’re not comfortable talking with her, will you listen to her recommendation?”
She’d asked him to wait for her and he had. Now she was asking something from him that was much more difficult – to share his burden and his guilt with someone. For the first time, he comprehended why she so often described herself as broken or damaged. He felt her pain and grasped why she felt like there was a hole in her soul. And for the first time, he felt that hole within himself.
He couldn’t be effective as Superman with a wound like that. He probably wouldn’t be a good Clark Kent, either. And he couldn’t lose her.
There really was no other possible decision. “Yes. I’ll do as you ask. If you want me to see Dana Friskin, I’ll work with her until she fixes me.”
She smiled and pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “You have a head start on me. You’ve already been to some of the group sessions.” She kissed him again, this time with a bit more passion. “Bet you never thought you’d attend them as a patient, especially this soon.”
“Well, I kind of have to.” She frowned for a moment until he added, “You’re above me in the chain of command.”
After a moment, he smiled. Just a little bit. Then they shared a quiet laugh.
With this woman beside me, he thought, I can overcome anything.
*****
Because they flew back to Metropolis on the plane carrying Cat’s body, Lois had to steel herself for the trip home. She’d been embalmed by Elijah Morris, Smallville’s lone undertaker, and he hadn’t charged a nickel. He insisted that he did it as much for the Kents and Lois as anything else. He said he’d been touched by their love for Cat and for Cat’s dedication to finding and publishing the truth about Bureau 39’s invasion of his home town, and he was grimly satisfied that Bureau 39 had been exposed as the menace they were.
He billed the Air Force for embalming Trask. They paid the outrageous fee without a whimper.
Cat’s funeral, held in Metropolis on the following Tuesday instead of in Cat’s home town in Idaho, wasn’t a cakewalk for anyone, but it was especially hard for Lois. She’d helped prep and load bodies for removal from the combat zone in the Middle East. When she was able, she’d served with the honor guard that received casualties while going through rehab for her knee. She’d even volunteered for light nursing duty when she was ambulatory again. The sight of those badly wounded boys – and a few girls – had put her emotions through the wringer. But until the day Cat died, she’d never had her heart shredded that badly.
Until the day of Cat’s funeral.
Cat had often described her parents to Lois in glowing terms, and she saw their love that Tuesday afternoon in every move, every touch, every look that passed between them. They were in agony, of course, but they weren’t angry, nor did they blame anyone for their loss. It was almost as if Clark’s parents had been cloned and given a daughter to raise instead of a son. She contrasted their example to that of her own parents and realized that her model for marriage and family left quite a bit to be desired. She wasn’t sure she could get past that. Nor was she sure that Clark – or any man, frankly – would be willing to get past it, either.
She desperately hoped he was still willing to try. She’d do almost anything to keep him with her. Their shared love for each other was one of the very few things that kept her from completely breaking down at the funeral.
Then it was time for her and Clark to personally offer their condolences to Bud and Nora Grant.
Lois’s tears locked her lips shut for a moment, so she was grateful when Clark took the lead. “Mr. Grant, Mrs. Grant, we’re so sorry for your loss. I assure you, Catharine will be missed for a long time.”
Mrs. Grant took Lois’ hands in one of hers. “Thank you. Thank you both.” She blinked and looked at Clark. “It’s Clark, isn’t it?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Catharine knew you years ago, didn’t she? When she went undercover at that college?”
“Yes, ma’am, we met there.”
“But you lost touch when her assignment ended.” Nora Grant sighed. “That’s too bad. The few times she mentioned you, she always described you in such glowing terms. And I’m sure you know how she felt about you.”
For Clark’s sake, Lois needed to get off that conversational path. “I know I’ll miss her for the rest of my life,” Lois said. “We were partners and best friends. We even called each other Thelma and Louise sometimes and promised each other to take off together one day, buy or steal a red two-door Ford T-bird, and drive to the Grand Canyon.”
Bud Grant almost smiled at her. “I’d imagine that Catharine came up with the idea. It does sound like her.”
Lois ducked her head for a moment, then lifted it and said, “She insisted on a fire-engine red T-bird instead of a green one like in the movie, and we weren’t going to drive off any Arizona cliffs. Just up to the edges.”
The four of them shared a damp smile, then Nora said, “Thank you both so much for being friends with her. It helps to know that she was important in your lives.”
Clark took Nora’s hands in his. “I don’t think either of us will ever forget her.”
Lois and Bud joined hands with the other two, and they held each other’s pain back just a little for a few moments before Clark and Lois slipped away.
*****
Lois drove Clark back to her apartment instead of his because, she told him, she wasn’t quite ready to be alone with him at his place. True to his nature, he escorted her to her front door. He held her hands for a long moment, then softly released them and said, “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at work. Wait, I forgot, we’re still on bereavement leave for three more work days.” He hesitated, then said, “I’ll call you around ten if that’s okay.”
She reached out and took his sleeve. “Please come in for a few minutes. I’ll make coffee, and you can whip up a couple of deli-style sandwiches. Assuming you’re hungry, of course.”
His eyes smiled. “I assume you have fresh bread?”
“From the bakery this morning, assuming Lucy went shopping like I asked her to.” She drew a deep breath and opened her door. “Shall we go in and test all those assumptions?”
The rest of his face agreed with the smile already in his eyes and he gestured for her to precede him. Lois stepped into the apartment and turned on the light, then closed and latched the door behind him. When he looked at her quizzically, she smiled and said, “No quick escapes for you, Farm Boy.”
He smiled back and said, “As you wish,” then turned to the small kitchen and began building their sandwiches. Lois marveled at how domestic he looked. It gave her the courage to bring up the subject she’d wanted to discuss.
Her coffee maker burbled and burped its way to four cups of coffee as she set the table for them. She was pouring the second cup when he placed a small open-faced turkey and Swiss sandwich before her chair. They grinned at each other shyly and sat down across the small table from each other, then dug in.
Neither one spoke until the meal was almost over. Clark sipped his coffee and asked, “Is Lucy coming back tonight any time soon?”
Lois shook her head. “I asked her to give me the apartment until midnight. She agreed without questioning me.”
“Ah. So you have an ulterior motive for inviting me in?”
She shrugged slightly. “I was hungry. And you make great sandwiches.”
“And?”
“Well – I thought we could talk about some things.”
“Well, we have almost four of hours private time. What do you want to talk about?”
She wiped her lips with her napkin. “Yeah. A couple of things, actually. Um – both Cat’s parents and Perry asked me if I’d take charge of closing out Cat’s apartment. Her folks asked me to send them a few specific things, but according to her will, most of her clothes and furniture and other stuff is going to a shelter for battered women over on upper Ninth and Bolton. I was hoping you’d come with me and give me a hand sorting through all of it.”
He nodded and took her hand. “Of course I’ll help. You don’t even have to ask.”
“Some of the folks from the Planet wanted to stop by and help, too. I’ll take as much assistance as I can get.” She squeezed his hand and closed her eyes. “You might have to – to comfort me once or twice. It’s gonna be a tough day.”
His other hand found her cheek and cupped it. “Nobody’s going to enjoy that chore. You know I’ll be there for you.”
She took in a shuddering breath and opened her eyes. “I think if – I think it would make it easier for me if we could be there as a newly engaged couple.” She paused long enough to smile at his startled expression, then said, “I love you, Clark. I want to marry you and live with you and intertwine my life so tightly with yours that we’ll be inseparable for as long as we both live. If – if you’re willing to go public with our engagement, I’ll pay for the announcement in the Planet’s Living section.”
He stood and drew her to himself, embracing her in his velvet-covered all-powerful strength. “I’ll follow your lead on when we tell everyone. I’ll even ask Superman to sky-write it for us if you want me to. And I love you more than I love anyone else I’ve ever known in my entire life.”
She buried her face in his chest and sobbed once, then nodded. “Any thoughts on when we could tie that forever-and-a-day knot?”
He chuckled. “I’m still wrapping my mind around us confirming our engagement. I don’t think I want to wait years, but maybe next weekend is a little quick. You have any thoughts?”
“Hmm. I think an early spring wedding would be far enough in the future. That’s only about seven months from now. It would give everyone a chance to get us some cool wedding gifts, so we’ll have to register somewhere. And it gives me enough time to get used to the new knee Daddy wants to give me.”
“New knee, huh?”
“Yep.”
“How long have you known about this?”
“I talked to him just before we left for Smallville. He said he’d clear his schedule for the initial consultation as soon as I wanted, and if we decided on the surgery he’d get it set up right away. Next day, if I wanted.”
Clark nodded. “You’ve been thinking about this for a while, then?”
“Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to.” Her voice hardened. “Now I am.”
As if he didn’t want her thinking about Cat’s last moments if she didn’t have to, he grumbled, “I guess that means your dad will want to give you away, too.”
Her voice softened. “That, or auction me off to the highest bidder.”
Clark pulled back and mock-glared at her. “He tries a stunt like that and he’ll face the wrath of Clark Kent.”
She chortled. “I think he’s smarter than that. Anyway, would you like to go ring shopping on Monday morning?”
“To find your wedding band, the One Ring to rule them all?” He bent and kissed her. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
She returned the kiss with enthusiasm, almost losing herself in it before she released it and pulled back a few inches. “Wow. That’s – you’re a really good kisser.”
“Thank you. Would you like to try it again or just stare lovingly into my eyes?”
She smiled softly. “Both, actually. But first—” she felt her smile harden and her eyes narrow “—I want to get something straight with you.”
He paused, seemingly uncertain about what she wanted to get straight, then ventured, “Sure. What might that something be?”
“We don’t drop the Bureau 39 investigation. Trask didn’t dig up that green rock and analyze it all by himself. Someone was behind him, bankrolling him, giving him logistical support, and if we believe General Newcombe, it wasn’t government money. Whoever that is, Clark, I want him taken down hard. And permanently.”
He stared at her for a long moment, then said, “I see that marriage isn’t going to gentle you all that much. And before you start yelling at me, I agree completely with everything you just said. I also believe that this investigation is going to need some super-help.”
She nodded slowly. “You don’t think it would be an ethical violation to use your powers on this story?”
His face hardened. “Given how much destruction and pain he’s caused, no, I don’t. I’ll do anything legal to get this guy. Maybe even some things that cross the line a little.”
Her head tilted to one side. “It sounds like you already have an idea or two on who that guy might be.”
“I do.” She watched his smile turn a bit feral. “And if I’m right, it’ll be a pure pleasure to put him in prison for the rest of his natural life.”
Lois beamed at him. “That’s my super-Clark.” She kissed him again, briefly, then said, “We’ll make Cat proud of us, wherever she is.”
