Hate Myself for Loving You
Folc4evernaday
Chapter 11: Fall to Pieces
Lois Lane felt as if she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders as she made her way through the corridor leading to her apartment with Bill Henderson leading the way. She did her best to put on a strong front – not daring to let Metropolis’ finest see her at her weakest. Despite the personal turmoil she had been struggling through with Clark this morning she still had not one but two stalkers to deal with on top of the investigation she was working on. She didn’t have time not to be okay.
“Are you sure you’re okay doing this now?” Bill Henderson stopped outside the door to her apartment. “We don’t have to…”
He was cut off by her quick response and a shake of the head, “I’m fine. Let’s just get this over with.”
He sighed, and handed her the key she had lent him the night before and then stepped aside while she worked her way through the seven locks on her front door. She released the last lock and then took a breath, preparing herself for what faced her on the other side, twisting the knob of her front door and pushing the door open.
She hadn’t really been expecting anything. Maybe some yellow tape or a big sign that marked the area as ‘safe from stalker’ but there was nothing. No sign that her life had been turned upside down over the last twelve hours or even any sign her apartment had been filled by Henderson and his men, rummaging through her most private possessions attempting to find the culprits behind the unwanted ‘gifts’ that kept showing up.
“Everything should be back where it belongs,” Henderson said, gesturing to the open apartment in front of them. “If not, please let me know. I do try to have these guys be as conscientious as they can with what they’re doing in these situations.
“I’m sure everything’s fine,” Lois responded with a non-committal shrug. She offered Bill Henderson and quick half-smile. “Now what am I supposed to sign?”
He pointed to the clipboard on her countertop. “Don’t sign until you’ve had a chance to go over everything. You can either bring it by the station or I can swing by and pick it up.”
“Thanks,” Lois nodded, looking around the room.
“You sure you’re okay?” Henderson asked, raising an eyebrow at her.
“Just tired,” Lois explained, offering him a fake yawn to hold off any further questions.
He nodded and pointed to the window. “Well, I’ve got a patrol out front. If you’re going anywhere out of the ordinary go ahead and give the guys a heads up so they can make arrangements with their rotation.”
“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” Lois offered him a warm smile. “But thank you.”
“Try to stay out of trouble,” Henderson smirked and then turned to leave.
Lois let out a heavy sigh as she locked the door behind him. She had been fighting against her inner musings all morning trying to decide what to make of the royal mess she had uncovered. It felt as if her entire world had been tilted on its axis in one moment.
Not only had she been dealt the double-sided card of juggling the threat of two stalkers but she also found herself unable to turn to the one person she always went to. Her emotions had sent her through a tidal wave of ups and downs throughout the morning as she tried to figure out where she stood on everything. On the one hand, she still had so many emotions to work through when it came to Clark’s revelations – both of them. On the other, a part of her wanted to throw caution to the wind and dive headfirst into whatever this was between them – lies and misdirection be damned.
He asked her where they stood and the truth was she really didn’t know. It was like dating a stranger and her best friend all in one. All of a sudden everything she had taken for granted in knowing Clark better than anyone had been shattered.
Could she work through it?
Yes.
Did she want to?
Yes.
Would they ever be able to rebuild the trust they had once had between them?
She couldn’t come up with an answer for that one.
So now here she was in this weird sense of limbo uncertain which way to turn or how to feel about the one part of her life she had felt so certain about just a few hours ago. Thankfully he appeared to be okay with her request for time to process everything. Still, she had to wonder just how much time he would be willing to give her.
She let out an aggravated sigh as she moved through the apartment, turning on the television in order to have some background noise to help drown out her thoughts. She had been okay earlier – asking questions and getting answers to the events that popped in her brain that she could now obtain the truth behind each strange occurrence that never quite added up. It had been refreshing to see him open up so completely and be willing to answer each question.
Then came the second revelation.
It shouldn’t have caught her by surprise. She had suspected it for at least a few months. Ever since he’d asked her out. She’d wondered if the speech he’d given after her almost-wedding to Lex hadn’t been an attempt to allow things to go back to the status quo. Still, the declaration of love never came with the request for a date or even in the more intimate settings they had found themselves in.
A declaration of love was never easy for Lois to handle. Her history with relationships both platonic and romantic had been marred with broken promises and betrayal which left her guarded when it came to romantic liaisons. Add to that the fact that she had very real feelings for both his dual identities as separate men and now had to find a way to merge the two into one while navigating through what she already knew to be uncharted territory she found herself at odds with herself.
Mixed beneath the hurt and anger she had first felt upon her discovery of his dual identities was the rational part of herself that continued to call out to her chaotic thoughts that opted to linger on thoughts of betrayal and hurt and instead try to rationalize it all. It wasn’t as if Clark had sought out to deceive her. He himself had admitted he never intended for Superman to become more than anything but a suit and hair gel that showed up to save the day. But which version of himself was the real Clark Kent? The farmboy from Kansas that wormed his way into her heart and challenged her every step of the way or the super-powered being that had saved her life more times than she could care to recall. Neither one seemed really complete without the other.
<<“I’m still the same person, Lois. I’ve never been anyone else with you.”
“But I still saw you as two different people.” >>
<<“I love you, Lois. I’ve always loved you.”>>“Superman has been on the scene with first responders helping assess a mudslide that has buried the Metropolis Bridge. Residents are cautioned to take alternate routes as authorities assess the situation. An emergency call has been placed with…”
Lois reached for the remote and muted the newscaster’s monologue mid-sentence with the click of a button. She let out a long breath, staring at the image of Superman – ‘No Clark’ she reminded herself – covered in red and orange clay from the waist down, rummaging through the piles of clay and mud to help dig out drivers and passengers from the mudslides. The image cut to an 18-wheeler on its side with its front-end dented in. She said a silent prayer as she watched the scene unfold, forgetting her own personal issues for the moment as she watched the superhero work through a different set of eyes for the first time.
A trickle of tears began to fall down her cheeks and she let out a soft whimper, unsure what to make of the sudden rush of emotions that had overtaken her.
<<“I love you, Lois. I’ve always loved you.”>>
<<“I’m still the same person, Lois. I’ve never been anyone else with you.”
“But I still saw you as two different people.” >>She looked to the footage once more, watching the tender expression crossing Clark’s face as he cradled a young toddler that couldn’t be more than four. Lois stared in awe at the image she had to have seen a thousand times before. Superman coming to the rescue and dropping the public façade of the aloof hero and showing glimpses into his personality and self – glimpses of Clark. Lois watched as Clark’s eyes soften, focusing on the young child in his arms as he flew them out of the wreckage.
He was wrong.
He wasn’t just himself with her.
He had always been Clark. She had just been too blind to see past flashy the costume and realize the connection. She had observed the similarities in passing but never connected the two. Not really. Perhaps that had been the beauty of the disguise?
She watched the footage in rapt attention, searching Clark’s features for a sign that would hint to her what it had been she had missed for so long, but she found nothing. She continued to watch the footage in silence, contemplating her next move as she watched Clark move each passenger to safety.
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Clark let out a deep sigh as he felt the water from the shower wash over him, shedding the remaining residue from the mud avalanche that had nearly taken out the Metropolis bridge. The eighteen-wheeler that had collided with the rough terrain − resulting in the avalanche of mud, clay, and gravel burying the drivers on the bridge – had been quick enough to rescue. The remaining vehicles and bridge structure were another story.
He watched as the mixture of red and brown residue swirled the drain before reaching again for the soap to help rid himself of the remaining mud residue. He’d spent nearly two hours with the first responders, helping unbury the unsuspecting drivers from the mud and clay that had invaded their vehicles. Then he’d spent another two hours with the engineering team that had been called out to help remove the mud avalanche from the bridge without putting undue stress on the support beams.
Now he had just under half an hour to get changed and meet Lois at Tony’s and hopefully figure out where their very fragile relationship stood.
<<“I just don’t know how to reconcile everything I thought was real with…this new version of everything.”
“I’m still the same person, Lois. I’ve never been anyone else with you.”
“But I still saw you as two different people.” >>
<<“I just need some time…to sort through all this.”>>The conversation from this morning replayed in the back of Clark Kent’s mind as he finished drying off from the shower. He let out a deep-hearted sigh as he recalled the conversation from earlier. In one impulsive moment he had succeeded in dashing his fragile relationship with Lois and now everything felt as if it were hanging by a single thread, ready to break at any moment.
He knew it had been the right thing to do. Continuing their relationship without telling her everything would be foolhardy at best. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder if his timing could have been planned out better. Dropping a bombshell on her like this after the turbulent events that had transpired couldn’t have helped him any.
He knew she would need time.
He knew he couldn’t expect to just pick up as if nothing had changed – because everything had changed.
Still, he found himself battling the inner doubts on whether he had just pushed the envelope too far by admitting how he really felt – had always felt – on top of his revelation of keeping dual identities. The last time he had put himself out there like that she had pushed him away. It seemed to be the pattern in their relationship that was as consistent as Lois’ tendency to find danger wherever she went. Every time they got closer he would find himself having to save her from her impulse to run and hide. He had the same tendency it seemed. Moving from place to place and never setting down roots or letting anyone get too close for fear he might be exposed. That had all been before Lois, before Superman, and before Metropolis. Now, he couldn’t imagine his life with any of those things. He just hoped he still had a choice in the matter.
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Sean McCarthy didn’t trust anyone – least of all the criminals he had been locked away with at Metropolis Penitentiary. His trust for his contract employer was wearing thinner by the day as well. He already knew Albie was a weasel who would turn on him in a second. Gables he was sure would leave him high and dry if given the chance. It was a matter of wits and his were polished to a pristine shine. He ran a ragged hand through his thin hair, contemplating his next move.
The letters.
Why hadn’t he thought to be more careful about the letters?
Diego had of course been the reason they had made their way out of the mailroom to begin with but he had stupidly assumed the comradery he had built with his former cell mate would provide him some sort of cover. How wrong he had been.
A dark expression crossed over his face as he dialed the seven-digit number on his phone. Two rings and he heard his traitorous cellmate answer, “Yeah, what do you want?”
“What do you think I want, old friend?” McCarthy felt a bitter bile rise in his throat as he choked the word ‘friend’ out.
“Don’t get belligerent with me, McCarthy, you and I both know we’re out for ourselves on this job.” Diego snipped back with a mocking laugh, “Hope you said farewell to the old lady.”
With that Diego hung up. McCarthy let out a roar as he threw the phone across the room.
________________________________________
Mayson felt a rush of adrenaline run through her as she watched the wheels in Agent Dan Scardino’s head begin to turn. Clark would be thrilled to finally be rid of that needy partner of his so he could finally focus on the more important things – like their relationship. The DEA agent seemed nice enough and he wasn’t horrible to be around. Lois would thank her once she had a chance to unhook her claws from Clark – who was so obviously not interested in her.
Why hadn’t she thought of this before? It was brilliant. It was so obvious Lois Lane was desperately in need of a persuasive distraction. Mayson did her best to keep her cool as she continued to plan the seeds.
If she played her cards right, her problems with Lois Lane would completely disappear and then she and Clark could continue with their lives – without the intrusion of a certain unwanted reporter. She couldn’t be too obvious though. This would take delicacy and precision to ensure Dan Scardino’s interest in Lois lane
She could feel her heart patter against her chest as she fought to keep the inner smile she held inside from spreading. As much as she had resented the agent’s presence upon his arrival yesterday she was growing more and more akin to him. Ridding her and Clark’s lives of Lois Lane would be the first step in restoring her relationship with Clark. He had to see what a thorn in his side Lois had become.
“You know, Lois really is the spontaneous type.” Mayson offered her advice with a smooth smile, sipping from her Styrofoam cup of hot liquid. “A spur of the moment grand gesture would probably go a long way to making the right impression.”
Dan looked back at her with a smirk, “Since when do you care so much about Lois Lane’s personal life? I thought you hated her.”
“I don’t hate her,” Mayson argued with a shrug. “I just…I was upset about having lost my evidence and having my car blown up and then losing my witness and it all seemed to stem back to Lois.”
“Uh-huh,” Dan cocked an eyebrow at her. “That wasn’t the story you were shouting last night.”
“I have had time to calm down since then,” Mayson responded then paused for a moment before continuing. “Look, if you’re not interested, I’m sure she’ll find someone eventually. I just thought you two might work well together with you both having similar personalities is all.”
Dan seemed to be contemplating the last remark before he cleared his throat, “I’m here to get McCarthy put back behind bars and that’s it. I don’t mix business with pleasure.”
Mayson felt her entire face fall with disappointment at his remark and then saved face with a sly smile, “I suppose there’s always a first time for everything, right?”
He offered her a half-smile, “You’re very persistent.”
“Can’t blame a girl for trying, right?”
“I don’t do match-making.” Dan said, shaking his head.
Mayson felt her smile fall as she stared back at Dan, the crack in her voice escaped her throat as she responded, “Match making?”
________________________________________
Clark ran a hand through his hair for what felt like the umpteenth time as he paced on the corner where Tony’s Steaks met a small boutique on Third. He tossed around the idea of taking his paces to the roof but quickly dismissed the thought. He let out a deep sigh as he buried his hands in his pockets, uncertain what to expect from this…whatever it was.
It was five till and he still hadn’t seen or heard from Lois. Though it wasn’t unusual for Lois the silence and lack of any sign of Lois’ impending arrival only further amplified the doubts that continued to nag at the back of his mind. What-if scenarios that played a game of cat and mouse with a neverending loop in which he couldn’t escape.
Not only had he confessed the biggest secret he had gone to great lengths to protect since before he could even remember but he had also unveiled how he really felt and quite possibly burdened Lois with just enough to destroy any chance he might have had at salvaging their relationship.
A million thoughts had run through his mind over the course of the morning as he had attempted to make sense out of the events from the morning. He still felt he was no closer to understanding any of it than he had just a few hours before.
The sound of a door slamming a block away caught his attention and he jumped, slightly startled as he pulled himself back to the present. He let out an uneasy breath, willing his inner doubts to bury themselves back where they had slithered from and then turned the corner to meet Lois where she had parked.
‘
Here goes nothing,’ he thought to himself.
________________________________________
Tony’s.
The place had been everything she had thought.
The windows could have used a good cleaning and the décor was dreadful.
Yet as unwelcoming as the atmosphere was at first glance the food had been out of this world.
A smile crossed Lois’ face as she took a sip from her water and placed a used napkin in the red basket her sandwich had once sat in. She glanced across the booth to where Clark sat, finishing up his own sandwich. She had been nervous when she had first arrived – unsure if this was a good idea. She had gone over and over the conversation from this morning, trying to make sense out of everything.
Still, the more she ran through it in her mind the more questions that arose. Should she bring up the rescue from earlier? Should she wait for him to bring it up? How was this supposed to work when they were in public with people that didn’t know about his alter-ego?
The sound of Clark clearing his throat and pushing his own red basket away put a stop to her internal ramblings. He reached a hand up to readjust his glasses and asked, “So, what did you think?”
A smile peeked its way across the corners of Lois’ lips and she tapped her hand against the tabletop, “Okay, I have to admit I had my doubts but you were right. This place can make up an incredible steak melt.”
He felt the corners of his mouth twitch as a grin threatened to take over his face, “Can you say that again?”
“They make up an incredible steak melt?” she asked.
“No, the whole ‘you’re right’ part.” He grinned back at her.
She tossed the paper wrapper from her straw at him, “Ha, ha, very funny.” Lois felt her spirits lift as she looked back at the half-smile spread across Clark's face. It was a long cry from the tense expression he had worn earlier when he had arrived. She suspected part of his mood had to do with the rescue from earlier but with how uncertain she felt about everything at the moment she wasn’t sure if she should even ask. She opted to stew in silence and try and make the most of the afternoon. This was uncharted territory. A part of being in the know of possibly the biggest secret she’d ever uncovered. Maybe she could ask him later – when they weren’t in a crowded restaurant.
‘Later,’ the thought rolled around in her mind as a half-smile spread across her face.
________________________________________
Stanley Gables poured over the blueprints of S.T.A.R. Labs the next morning, turning to where Sean McCarthy was standing next to him and then pointing to the plans laid out on the table, drawing an invisible line with his finger. “See the basement? S.T.A.R. Labs has a sub-zero chamber there. That's where they store the virus.”
“How do we get to it?” McCarthy asked, leaning over Gables’ shoulder.
“There's an air vent that leads directly to the chamber,” Gables answered tapping at the chamber he was referring to on the blueprints. “Then, once I have the virus, we're unstoppable.”
“Exactly what makes this virus so special?” McCarthy asked.
“It's airborne and it's lethal. And there's no antidote.” An eerie calm came over Gables’ face as he spoke. “Anyone who comes in contact it will die a slow painful death.”
“Except us of course...” McCarthy reminded him as if to point out the obvious. Sudden death was not something he or his comrades had signed up for when taking on this job.
“Of course. You'll be wearing protective suits.” Gables shrugged McCarthy off but Sean still wasn’t entirely convinced when he caught an uneasy expression cross Albie’s face.
“That air vent's pretty narrow. Nobody in this room's gonna fit.”
“That's right. We're still missing one member of our team. Your old cellmate.” Gables turned to McCarthy with a good-natured smile.
“Big Buster,” Sean answered, recalling the name before Gables could continue.
Gables nodded, turning to Albie, “Albie's going to pay him a visit today.”
“Mr. Gables, are you sure there's no other way to get even with Metropolis?” Albie asked with an uneasy tone. “What I mean is… exposing everyone to a deadly virus seems... I don't know... a little severe.”
“Exactly,” Gables responded, reaching over to roll up the plans. “Metropolis will reap the excruciating pain of this virus and I will have my revenge.” He turned to Albie with a dark expression, “And no one better dare get in my way.”
________________________________________
Chris Gomez inched his arms up and down the back of the metal chair he was tied to, listening intently with his ear pressed against the thin wall between the room he was in and where his kidnappers were plotting their evil deeds.
“It's airborne and it's lethal. And there's no antidote…Anyone who comes in contact it will die a slow painful death.” The muffled voice reached Gomez’s ears and he felt his blood run cold.
There appeared to be some back and forth about retrieving another member of their resurrected team and then he heard the high-pitched whine from the weasel that had brought him to this hell.
“Mr. Gables, are you sure there's no other way to get even with Metropolis? What I mean is… exposing everyone to a deadly virus seems... I don't know... a little severe.”
Gomez lifted his head away from the wall, jiggling the plastic binds he was in hopes to make some sort of headway in escaping his living hell. He heard a door slam and let out a muffled shout from behind the duct tape covering his mouth. He had to keep trying.
________________________________________
Dan Scardino tapped his foot against the metal foot of the chair he was sitting in, waiting for Detective Ryder to review the findings from yesterday’s trip to the impound lot. He had spent most of the day with Mayson, listening to her side of things in what felt like a tortured romance that would show up on the Soaps he would catch himself watching or even the guilty pleasure romantic novels he dove into from time by time. Another thing he could thank Jenna for he supposed. He never could tell her ‘no.’
A sad smile crossed his face as he recalled the many nights he’d spent with his late fiancée wondering who the newly branded Jason Morgan would become in the twist of fate that had been dealt to the character in the latest General Hospital sweeps plot. He never would have dreamed so much could change in his life with just one person but Jenna had proven just how impactful one person could be on a life. He still felt the dark emptiness in his bones from where the love she held for him had filled him inside and out.
There would never be anyone like Jenna.
He knew that.
Though he often wondered what fate had in store for him next. He had since dated of course. Nothing too serious given his tendency to move from place to place and of course not being able to divulge the details of the job put a crimp on any relationship with someone that didn’t get it.
He often wondered if he would ever find someone that could get it – accept him for who he was.
Most guys would rather die right there than admit to a fondness for romance novels or old soap operas but he took pride in that part of himself. It was something he discovered in his relationship with Jenna and he would forever cherish that.
He hadn’t been completely sure how to react to the subtle nudging Mayson had been giving him to ‘make a move’ on Lois Lane – someone he wasn’t entirely convinced was available. Though if she was, he wasn’t entirely against the idea either. He sighed, not wanting to spend too much time thinking about the twisted pretzel of deceit that he’d listened to the day before. He was here to do a job. Find McCarthy and get him back behind bars where he belonged. That was it.
“Agent Scardino,” the door opened and Detective Ryder stepped into the office with a file at least two-inches thick. “You seem to be making a habit of dropping by. Do I need to get you a parking space out front?”
“Well, it would save some on the parking fees,” Scardino responded with a good-natured grin. “With those fees you could carve the prison out of gold.”
“Well, our city maintenance takes a hit from time to time. We’ve got to compensate where we can,” Detective Ryder responded, taking a seat behind his desk.
“Yeah, that’s right. Superman’s on the city patrol with you guys too, ain’t he?” Scardino grew thoughtful recalling his brief run-in with the hero. Unfortunately he’d been preoccupied with not getting shot and been unable to introduce himself properly but he was sure given the size of the city he’d have another chance.
“Unofficially,” Ryder corrected.
“Of course.” Scardino shrugged his shoulders and sat up. “So, a little birdie told me you got some prints back on the work up you did on ADA Drake’s car?”
“Excluding prints from ADA Drake, yourself, and our team we found three different sets of prints on the outside and two different sets under the motor where the car bomb was planted.” Ryder set out a photograph of two individuals. “Either of these guys look familiar to you?”
The first one was the driver’s license of a man by the name of Albert Eugene Swanson and the other was a woman by the name of Marie Claire Williams. Neither of which he had seen before. He let out a defeated sigh, hanging his head. He had been so sure McCarthy had been behind this.
“Are you sure there were no other prints?”
“We’re sure,” Ryder responded with a shrug. “This Marie is actually the ADA’s assistant. I’ve sent a patrol to pick her up for questioning. The other guy we’re not so sure.”
Scardino pointed to the photos in front of him. “Can I get a copy of these?”
“Sure thing,” Ryder nodded, standing up and turning to the copier behind him. A soft hum later and he was turning back to hand Scardino a copy of the driver’s license photos of the two suspects.
“Thanks, Ryder.” Scardino stood up, taking the photos with him.
“No, thank you,” Ryder insisted. “This case has everyone jumpy. The sooner we can close it the sooner we can get on some of the more pressing cases that have taken a backseat.”
Scardino caught a glimmer of anxiety cross Ryder’s face and he arched an eyebrow at him, “More pressing cases?”
“We had a few stalking incidents pop up over the last week.”
“You talking about the ones with Lois Lane?” Scardino guessed, recalling the information he’d been privy to the previous morning.
“She’s just one of them,” Ryder admitted. “A judge and even our own Chief of Police got a threat just this morning.”
Scardino paused, unsure if he was crossing a line in even asking but every instinct in him was screaming for more information. “Any chance I could get the names of the people that filed a complaint in the last week?” Ryder looked back at him uncertainly. “Look, I already know Lois Lane had two stalkers. If the other threats are connected to one of her stalkers I might be able to help bring him in if it’s connected to McCarthy.”
“McCarthy?” Ryder shook his head. “The guy died and came back to life just to stalk Metropolis’ finest?”
“Stranger things have happened,” Scardino responded with a cold expression. “You don’t know this guy like I do. He’s an animal. He will stalk, torture, and torment his victims just before putting them out of their misery. You have no idea what he’s capable of.”
Ryder looked at him for a long moment and then nodded, “I’ll run it by Henderson and if he okays it, I’ll get you a list.”
“Thanks, Detective.”
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TBC...
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