Hate Myself For Loving You
Folc4evernaday
Chapter 6: The Rules
The musty smell of metal and decomp tickled Detective Ryan’s nostrils as he walked through the long line of coolers where the Medical Examiner kept the corpses. The Assistant Medical Examiner stopped in front of one of the coolers, checking the number against the chart in her hand before unlatching the hinge and opening the door. A whiff of decomp and formaldehyde reached Ryan’s nostrils as the assistant pulled out the empty slab.
Ryan looked back at his companion then down at the empty slab before turning back to the assistant. “I don’t understand. I thought you had McCarthy’s body here.”
“According to our records this is where it should be.” She stammered, flipping through the clipboard anxiously.
“Then where the hell is he?” Agent Scardino snorted, gesturing to the empty slab.
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Lois dropped her keys in the ceramic bowl by the front door, blindly locking the seven locks to her apartment on auto-pilot as she set her things down. The paper had been put to bed and thankfully she didn’t have to come in too early for the weekend shift tomorrow. Perry’s poker game did nothing to boost her current mood.
It felt like everything that could happen in the last twenty-four hours had been thrust at her like a freight train, barreling down the tracks at full speed. Between the chaos surrounding Mayson’s car bombing, her uncertainty regarding Clark’s disappearance today, and the cagey behavior of the Medical Examiner she felt like the sky was imploding around her. Even on a good week she wasn’t expected to juggle this much at once.
Her mind drifted to the previous evening when the world seemed so much more at peace. How quickly a day changed things. The new, exhilarating feeling of being in—whatever it was she and Clark were and not caring about anything in that moment. What she wouldn’t give to go back to that night and just savor the peace of mind that came with it. No police investigations. No openly hostile ADA thwarting her investigation.
She let out a low groan as she turned her attention to the stack of mail in her hand. Unfortunately, she couldn’t just set it aside with the rate things were going. It was nearly the first and waking up to the power being shut off because she forgot was not something she wanted to relive. Especially given how long it took them to turn it on the last time. She made her way to the kitchen, preparing to brew a cup of coffee to help stir her brain awake long enough to organize her bills for the month.
She flipped through the envelopes, mentally categorizing each one by priority until she found an envelope she didn’t recognize. Her eyes arched into a sharp slant as she stared at the blank envelope. No name. No return address. Just a blank white letter envelope mixed in with her mail.
She could discard it and forget about it easily but given the strange letter she’d received earlier at the Planet, her interest in the mysterious envelope was piqued. Setting the other envelopes down on the counter, she held the blank envelope in her hand, staring at it for a long moment as if she expected it to respond to her. Finally, she found the nerve and ripped the seal open, revealing the letter inside.
Her hand went to her mouth in shock and she let out a sharp yell as the contents fell to the ground.
________________________________________
Clark’s conversation over dinner with his parents ran through his mind as he flew back to Metropolis. There seemed to be every reason in the world to tell Lois the truth and come clean. His parents acted like it should be second nature to him despite every warning and inclination to do just the opposite over the years.
He knew he couldn’t keep lying.
It was already beginning to crackle the budding relationship he and Lois had and continuing this charade would only amplify her focus on where he was when he disappeared for rescues.
<<“The problem is you don’t want to have to lie to Lois about where you’re going. So, don’t.”>>
<<“Well, if you wait till you’re running out the door to tell her, then yes, but you also thought lying about your feelings for her was a good idea and look where that got you.”>>
<< “If I tell her now…”
“But, son, what happens if you don’t tell her now?”
“Just be honest with her. You two go head to head with a lot bigger issues on almost a weekly basis. I’m sure you can figure out how to talk to one another.”>> If only it was that easy.
His mind was clouded with the weight of what-ifs that held his thoughts captive as he continued his flight to Metropolis. After what seemed like a blink of an eye, he found himself hovering above Carter avenue, wondering just how long it had been since he had felt comfortable visiting her as Superman.
It had been months.
Not long after he had stopped the nightly check-ins, he had taken a leap of faith and asked Lois out. Even now, hovering high above from everyone and everything it felt strange to be here. Almost as if he was invading a private moment by being here.
Clark quickly turned back toward the bay, opting to finish his patrol and head home. A decision it seemed wouldn't come to him tonight.
'Later,' he told himself. When he wasn’t riddled with mental and physical exhaustion.
He reached the corner of Clinton Street and Tesla Avenue when his super-hearing tuned into a familiar heartbeat. He felt his heart lurch in his chest when he spotted Lois pacing the street in front of his apartment, clutching something in her hand. Whatever her reason for being there it was clear she was upset.
He barely remembered landing in the alley behind his apartment and changing before he turned the corner, preparing to discover just what brought Lois to his doorstep this late. Momentarily he wondered what excuse he would have to sum up to explain his absence. Though given how distressed she appeared he quickly dismissed the anxious thought as he reached the corner where Lois was pacing.
“Lois?”
A muffled whisper escaped her throat and he felt his heart lurch in his chest when he saw the pale expression on her face. He quickly wrapped her in his arms, ushering her inside, hoping to get to the bottom of whatever it was that was troubling her.
________________________________________
Mayson Drake ran her hands through her hair, yanking at the roots with her fingernails as she stared up at the ceiling fan that refused to quit creaking. Her head continued to spin, reminding her over and over again of how badly she had lost everything she cared about. Not only was she alone and forced to watch the man she loved move on with someone else, but it seemed everything she touched blew up in flames.
Her lead on the Resurrection case was gone.
Her witness gone.
Everything she had seemed to blow up in smoke and now she was left with nothing but loneliness and isolation.
________________________________________
Clark paced around the living room, phone in hand as he wrapped up his conversation with Inspector Henderson. After getting transferred to three different people at the Metropolis P.D. who seemed less than motivated to make a trip down to Clinton Street if there was no eminent threat to Lois’ life at that moment, he finally found Bill Henderson’s number and pleaded his case to the detective. It wasn’t’ much but Henderson had been able to talk the dispatcher into sending a car to Lois’ apartment to look for suspicious activity.
“Two.” Clark let out a shuddered breath as he answered the detective’s question. He stole a glance at the crumpled letter that had been sent to Lois in creepy serial killer cut out letters that lay on his coffee table, taunting him with its presence.
Two.
She had received
two of these in less than twelve hours. A part of him wondered what her reasoning was for not telling him about the first letter but given how eventful If the circumstances weren’t so frightening, he might even take a moment to savor the fact that she had turned to Clark instead of Superman once more when she felt her life was in danger.
“Thankfully there was nothing found at her apartment,” Henderson’s gruff response came. “I know it’s not what you want to hear but unfortunately without a physical threat there’s nothing we can do tonight. Come by the station in the morning and file a report. I’ll make sure I’m the investigator on it and see what I can do to expedite things for you.”
A heavy sigh escaped his lips and Clark nodded, knowing Henderson was doing everything he could. He tried not to let his frustration of the situation seep out into his words. Bill Henderson had no obligation to even answer his phone call let alone reach out to his fellow officers at the Metropolis P.D. Yet he did.
“Whatever you can do, Bill. I really appreciate your help,” Clark said, feeling his hand tighten around the handset as he heard Bill Henderson say goodnight. A low breath escaped his lips as he hit the end button to the handset and turned his attention to Lois who was sitting comfortably on the couch in the oversized Met-U sweatshirt she had shown up on his doorstep in.
Lois looked up at him with a sympathetic smile, “Let me guess, they didn’t find anything.”
“Henderson said you can come by and file a report in the morning. I think that’s all they can do at this point.” Clark reassured her. His gaze shifted to the letters leaping off the page in front of him.
‘Die Lois Die’ as he took a seat next to her.
“No eminent threat,” Lois stared at the mug of hot tea in her hand. Her face was tense and her tone shallow and subdued. As much as she tried to put on a brave front for him, he knew she was scared.
Her life had been threatened countless times before, but this was different. This wasn’t a bad guy being chased or a story she was trying to break. It was a mysterious threat lurking in the shadows that had scared her so much she couldn’t even stay in her own apartment.
“You can stay here or if you want, I can call Jimmy….” He flashed her a teasing grin, recalling how horribly her hiding out at Jimmy’s apartment had gone when the Prankster had returned to Metropolis.
“I think I’ll pass on Jimmy’s place.” Lois giggled, flashing him a half-smile. “I don’t think he’d survive it a second time.”
A warm smile crossed his face and he let out a light chuckle, relieved to hear her joking. A far cry from the state he found her in an hour ago. “Well, you’re always welcome here, Lois.” Clark continued his thought from earlier, doing his best to balance himself on the line between friendship and where he desperately wanted to be.
Though their relationship at the moment was complicated to say the least it was reassuring to know she could still come to him when she needed to, unlike a few weeks back when she stayed at Jimmy’s for fear of further complicating things just before their date.
Lois smiled back at him, “I know.” The room fell silent as they both seemed to be searching for what to say next. She reached over to set her mug down and turned to face him. “Is it weird that I showed up here though? I mean, I totally get it if it is. A few weeks ago, I was staying with Jimmy…going out of my mind and turning into that crazy old lady that calls the cops on the kids a few apartments down. I still can’t believe I did that. It was weird then…before we went out and yet here, I am making everything even more complicated and I…”
He couldn’t help it. He knew she was just as worried about complicating things between them as he was. They had had one great date which had resulted in him having a door slammed in his face. Not the best track record but then again nothing ever went according to plan. Why should it now? He let out a low chuckle, unable to help himself as she continued to babble about neighbors and teenagers.
She stopped mid-babble, seeming to realize she had veered off track. A slight pink blush crossed her cheeks and an uneven snort escaped her throat. “I’m babbling, aren’t I?”
“Just a little bit,” he held his index finger and thumb up to illustrate the point for her.
She smiled, toying with a loose strand of hair as she gazed into his eyes, and sent an electrical storm through him as he contemplated what to do or say next. Her eyes softened and her smile broadened, “I’m not good at this.”
They had had this conversation earlier in the elevator this morning. The nervousness she had confessed and fears of losing the friendship they had worked to build over the last year ran through his mind. It wasn’t that he didn’t have the same fears. He did. He also had another fear. A fear that once Lois knew the truth, he would lose her and everything he had worked for over the last year and a half. It was what kept him from taking that final leap of faith no matter how many times the opportunity presented itself time and time again.
This morning when presented with Lois’ anxiousness over being on the cusp of everything changing, he had done his best to brush it off with humor in hopes of helping ease her into the normal routine they always shared. It had worked for the most part but given the weight of the tremor that escaped her lips married with insecurity and indecisiveness he opted to try a different approach.
He reached his hand over to cup her cheek, “Lois, for tonight just forget about the hidden meaning behind everything. First and foremost, you’re my friend. You need somewhere to go to blow off steam or hide out from a psycho I’m there.” A grin crossed his face as he realized just how many times, she had done just that over the years. “I don’t want our changing relationship to make you feel like you can’t come to me like you always have.”
“I don’t want that either,” she admitted. Her shoulders relaxed and she leaned a little closer. “You know, it’s like when you’re chasing a story and you know there’s this big part that’s missing. You have the ‘who’ and you have the ‘why’ and you just don’t know the ‘how’. There’s everything we know about each other as friends but it’s like …”
“…starting a relationship at the seventeenth date.” Clark guessed for her, seeing where this was going.
“Well, yeah,” Lois said sheepishly. “I’m already terrible enough as it is at relationships and trying to skip ahead and figure things out.”
“I’m not exactly an expert here either, Lois.” Clark admitted, feeling the dread tingle in the back of his mind as the fears of what could happen if this conversation went the wrong way taunted him.
That caught Lois off guard as she looked back at him in surprise, “You’re not?”
“No,” he shrugged his shoulders. “I’m trying to figure this out just as much as you are.”
“So, I guess we’re both in uncharted territory here?” Lois summarized, leaning her head against the couch cushion. He nodded his agreement, not trusting his voice at that moment. She leaned closer, “Rules out the window?”
“Last I checked you weren’t one for rules unless you were trying to school the new guy for putting his foot in his mouth.” He chuckled, recalling the awkward speech Lois had given him on her three rules that she later admitted to have broken.
“They are good rules.” Lois grinned back at him and then flushed slightly. “For someone else to follow.”
“Like who?” he raised an eyebrow at her.
“Jimmy?” Lois guessed.
Clark shook his head, “I know he’s broken at least two of those rules this week.”
“What about that new intern?” Lois replied thoughtfully. “What was his name? Skip?”
“I don’t think he’ll have any stories to chase anytime soon if Perry has his way,” Clark remarked, blanching at the uncomfortable scolding he’d overheard a few weeks prior.
“Okay, they were good rules.” Lois corrected, leaning her head back to rest on his shoulder.
“So, no rules?” Clark grinned.
“We need
new rules.” Lois shook her head, unwilling to give up on her three rules just yet.
“Like?” Clark cocked an eyebrow at her, giving her an amused expression.
“No relationship stuff at the Planet,” Lois replied, ticking her hand off as she counted. “PDA, kissing, hand-holding…”
“I
strenuously object to that one,” Clark chuckled.
“No sense in advertising our personal business at the Planet,” Lois argued with a huff. “That caused a lot of issues in the past.”
Clark moved his hand to stroke her cheek, tilting her chin to look at him, “But then it feels like we’re trying to hide how we feel about one another. I’m not going to pretend you’re just another colleague.”
“You got a better one?” she smirked back at him.
“I do,” Clark grinned back at her.
“Let’s hear it.” Lois challenged.
“Arguments at the Planet stay there and vice versa. No trying to pull Jimmy or Perry into our personal lives.”
“We already need to get an escort to show them both where the line is,” Lois pointed out.
“All the more reason to keep them out of our business,” Clark stressed.
“Agreed,” Lois nodded. Clark let out a sigh of relief. Keeping their work-life separate would be difficult but keeping Perry and Jimmy out of their relationship could be managed more easily. As much as he loved his friends, he didn’t want to have the duo butting their noses in his and Lois’ relationship. Perry was notorious for butting in when he felt it was needed, but given the gravity of the secret, he was tempted to reveal to Lois he wasn’t leaving anything up to chance.
“No dating other people.” Lois supplied firmly. “We’re both already putting everything on the line. No need in complicating things.”
“Unnecessary, but okay,” Clark agreed with a nod of his head. He smiled at the quick victory, relieved to know at least, for now, there was no fear of competing with someone else as he and Lois navigated through these uncharted waters together.
“No flirting in the newsroom,” Lois added. Her voice was low, and he could hear a slight quiver as she spoke.
“What?” Clark chuckled.
“No flirting.” Lois repeated.
“Um, no.” Clark quickly shot the request down. “That totally contradicts my entire plan to sweep you off of your feet. If I can’t do it at the Planet where am I supposed to flirt?”
“On dates.”
“But see then you’d have to actually agree to said dates. That requires flirting.” Clark grinned back at her, wiggling his eyebrows at her flirtatiously.
“You’re being difficult.” Lois snorted.
“I prefer thorough,” Clark responded, looping his arm around her shoulders.
“Fine, flirting is allowed, but let’s try not to make a big deal about it.” Lois let out a resigned sigh. “I don’t want Perry making a no office romance rule or something of the kind because you just had to flirt during office hours.”
“I can multi-task.” He chuckled.
“Uh-huh,” Lois grinned back at him.
“No running,” Clark said carefully. “Even if it’s from an argument.”
Lois’ grin broadened, and she nodded, “No running.”
“And that means no leaving the other behind. We’re a team no matter what.”
“Friendship first,” Lois amended.
“Always,” Clark agreed.
Lois giggled, placing her hand on his chest. “Now that we have a couple of established rules I guess we don’t have any more excuses, huh?”
“Nope,” Clark shrugged his shoulders dramatically. “Flirting and PDA and no running away from it either. It’s apparently a rule now.”
“I suck at flirting,” she admitted sheepishly.
“I don’t know,” Clark murmured thoughtfully. “You held your own on our date.”
She smiled back at him shyly. “I owe you a re-do on that night.”
“Oh, yeah that’s another thing,” Clark added, snapping his fingers.
“What? Did you think of another rule?” she asked.
“No one owes anyone anything,” Clark said softly, reaching over to cup her cheek.
“Never?” Lois challenged, raising her eyebrow as she stared back at him.
“Never,” he whispered, leaning closer, so he was a few inches away from her.
An inaudible moan escaped his throat when the distance between them became too much to bear. He wasn’t sure who had caved first. He wasn’t sure he cared at that point either. He let out a long hiss as Lois’ hands buried themselves in his hair, nibbling on his lower lip possessively. She whispered his name as he lost himself in the art of kissing her.
‘Stop!’ his mind screamed as the aching in the pit of his stomach began to pulse, reminding him of just how ‘not ready’ they were to continue the heated embrace that had been started just seconds ago.
“We should stop,” he murmured against her lips.
The expression on her face told him she wanted to do anything but stop but despite her obvious misgivings, she relented, pulling away and nodding her head. “Okay.”
He wanted to explain.
Every fiber of his being was screaming at him to just tell her already but despite everything he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not after the torturous day they had had. Lois had come to him for help. She had been skeptical about coming here in the first place. Giving her a reason not to turn to him wasn’t what he wanted.
He needed to tell her the truth, but surely it could wait a few days, right?
“Tomorrow,” Clark spoke up, finding his voice.
“Sorry?” Lois asked.
“You said you wanted a do-over.” Clark prompted her. “How about tomorrow night?” He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s a Saturday. So we don’t have to be in at the crack of dawn and Jimmy will probably be holed away combing through the records we pulled on Chris Gomez for the most of the weekend anyway.”
“I guess it would be perfect timing.”
“No door slamming.” Clark grinned.
“No door slamming,” Lois promised, leaning in to kiss him once more. Before he could respond she pulled away, and Lois’ face fell to a solemn expression. She let out a sigh as she reached her hand over his, gently squeezing it. “You think Jimmy will find anything?”
“It is Jimmy,” Clark shrugged, trying to be as optimistic as he could. “If there’s anything to find on Chris Gomez Jimmy will.”
“Yeah,” Lois leaned back against him, pulling her hand back and folding her arms over her chest. “Still, stuff like this…” she pointed at the paper on the table and let out a long breath. “You never know what tomorrow will bring.”
“Or the next hour,” Clark added, recalling just how short the time between Gomez being placed in the care of Metropolis General doctors only to be found dead an hour later. Guilt continued to nag at him with an onslaught of what-ifs. In his head he knew he wasn’t responsible for the officer’s death but carrying the weight of the world and with it the responsibility to do the right thing and protect the people of Metropolis came the overbearing weight with every loss – whether he was to blame or not. He couldn’t do anything to bring Gomez back, but he could get him justice.
Lois seemed to be reading his thoughts, reaching over to take his hand in hers, “I hate we didn’t get there in time to talk to officer Gomez, but all we can do is find who is responsible for his death and bring them to justice.”
“Do you know how many thousands of officers die in the line of duty each year without having their killer caught, Lois?” Clark could hear the dejected tone in his own voice as he spoke. He knew she meant well and with Lois’ help he knew they had a fighting chance of getting Gomez’s family justice. He also knew the realities of officer-related deaths. The odds weren’t in their favor. “We don’t even know where to start.”
“We know he was transferred to the prison after a stint with IAB.” Lois reminded him. “We start there and see where it takes us.” She let out a yawn as she spoke.
Clark smiled, “It’s late. Why don’t you turn in? We can pick this up in the morning when we’re not both running on fumes.”
Lois shook her head, “I’m fine.” Her eyelashes fluttered, and her face squinted, trying to hide the obvious signs of fatigue. She frowned when the yawn escaped her lips. “Okay, maybe I’m a little tired.”
“You take the bedroom,” He pointed toward the bedroom that was closed by a pocket door.
“Where are you going to sleep?” Lois asked sleepily, not even fighting the fatigue anymore as her neck rolled back, and she rested her head on his chest.
“Lois?” he tapped her cheek, checking to see if she was still awake.
“Hmm?” Lois’ barely audible response came, and he let out a sigh.
“Come on, time for bed.” He coaxed her, scooping her in his arms and carrying her to the bedroom. She sleepily agreed, and he laid her on the bed, covering her up and then turning back to the living room to make up the couch. A small smile spread across his face as his head hit the pillow, recalling the many rules for their relationship Lois had agreed to.
‘Tomorrow.’ He told himself.
Tomorrow was going to be a great day.
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TBC...
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