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Hate Myself For Loving You
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Chapter 1: No Turning Back







________________________________________

Mayson Drake looked around the dimly lit office, bleary eyed from the late evening. It had taken her several hours but she had dug up everything the Metropolis P.D had on Lois Lane. A flash of white-hot anger coursed through her, jostling her awake. The memory of Lois Lane and Clark left a bitter taste in her mouth.

Work partners.

Just friends.

A bitter bile burned in her throat. She had never felt so humiliated. Clark cared about her. She knew he did. He was genuinely a good guy so why would he…?

He said yes to lunch.

He said yes to the mountains.

He said yes to their dance at the Charity Ball.

It didn't make sense. He wanted to be with her. He said he cared about her. He said Lois was just a friend.

‘Friends don't kiss like that.’ She thought bitterly.

________________________________________

Clark couldn't wipe the smile off his face as he flew through the sky, checking the city on his morning patrol. His uncertainty over his and Lois relationship was long gone. There was still the underlying issue regarding his alter ego but he would cross that bridge soon enough. Right now he wanted to savor this feeling.

His smile morphed into a sloppy grin as he recalled the delicious taste of Lois Lane’s lips against his and the warm sensation of being in her arms. The memory of the goodnight kiss they had shared made his heart soar.

He spotted the familiar brick complex on Carter Avenue and swooped down to deposit the package on Lois' doorstep. Unfortunately, he didn't have time to give it to Lois in person. He still had to check Hobbs Bay before work.

________________________________________

Lois finished the last of her morning cup of coffee as she stuffed pens, notepads, extra batteries for her tape recorder and her tape recorder in her bag. Her mind still felt like it was swimming after last night. The debate is should she or shouldn't she seemed never-ending from the kiss goodnight to what to wear.

She checked her reflection in the mirror one last time. She felt overdressed. She stared back at her reflection examining herself critically. The light lavender suit had been worn time and time again yet today it felt different.

'Just forget it, ' she told herself making her way for the door. She had to get going if she was going to make it to Joes for her morning bagel.

She opened the door, juggling her purse and satchel in her right hand when she spotted a white pastry bag on her doorstep with a single yellow rose. A small smile spread across her face and she reached down to grab the bag and rose. Inside she found her bagel that appeared to still be warm from the bakery and a note. She pulled out the note and read it aloud.

"You're probably running late too.

See you soon.

-CK"

She chuckled to herself and readjusted her purse strap as she carefully gathered her pastry bag, satchel, purse, and rose preparing to face the day.

________________________________________

Detective Ryan looked through the police report from the previous evening’s events outside the DAs office and then looked up over the brim of his reading glasses to where the now sobered up Michael Carter was sitting across from him. "You're in a lot of trouble, Michael."

"I'm telling you the truth, man." Carter pleaded with him. "I had no idea there was a bomb in that car."

"You just happen to be joyriding at the time when the ADA is leaving her office...every night?"

"Yes!"

Detective Ryan snorted in disbelief, "Who hired you?"

"No one!" Carter slammed his fist against the table. “Why won't you believe me?”

"This isn't a game kid.” Ryan growled irritably. “Who sent you?!"

"You can't do this. You can't railroad me for this. I'm innocent!"

"You're not innocent of anything!" Ryan growled back. "You think I'm stupid? We know it was a hit. Now you're going to start talking or…"

"David that's enough."

Ryan looked over and spotted Inspector Henderson in the doorway. "Bill, I'm in the middle of an interrogation."

"The kid’s telling the truth." Bill handed him a report. "ATF did an analysis last night on the incendiary device. Just came in.” Bill folded his arms across his chest. “It was triggered to go off when the door was unlocked. This kid probably saved Mayson Drakes life."

________________________________________

Lois took a sip of her coffee as she pushed the doors of the Daily Planet lobby open. It seemed like just another day. Another day to dig deeper into her investigation into Intergang and following up on the next story. And maybe even something more?

She looked down at the yellow rose that was tucked in her bag. How much difference twenty-four hours could make was astounding. Her world had shifted with the change in her relationship with Clark. She’d gone from running for the hills to being the one to instigate a goodnight kiss that was powerful enough to make her toes curl and send goosebumps down her spine. As exhilarating as her and Clarks budding relationship was there still was that nagging voice in the back of her head warning her of where this would lead.

A nervous smile crossed her face when she spotted Clark standing by the elevator. Glancing at the time she noted it was a few minutes after eight. She wasn’t the only one running behind this morning.

“Late start?”

Clark smiled back at her, “Something like that.”

She felt her mouth go dry as her heart hammered in her chest. She felt like she had the wind knocked out of her as she stared back at him, trying to think of anything to say to rid this fog that wiped her mind of all coherent thought.

How long does it take for an elevator car to arrive?

Clark's half-smile morphed into a broad grin and she thought for sure she would melt right there. What was wrong with her? It was one date. One...okay maybe four incredible kisses and…

The empty elevator doors opened and she stepped on the elevator car with Clark a few steps behind her. She watched the doors close behind them and reached over to press the button for the newsroom floor.

Her cheeks flushed slightly when she realized she and Clark were the only one's on the elevator. A memory of the kiss they'd shared last night flashed in her mind and she could swear the walls around them grew smaller. She quickly looked away, choosing instead to focus on the worn appearance of the walls.

It was amazing how little attention was paid to the upkeep of the elevators appearance. After what felt like an eternity of silence between them Lois cleared her throat, "Ever notice how little attention maintenance gives to these elevators?"

Clark looked back at her with a bewildered expression, "What?"

"Look here." She pointed to the cracking wood in the corner. Already falling apart after less than a year."

"Well, the Planet has had its fair share of less than civil visitors lately." Clark responded with a frown.

"Right, " she nodded recalling all too well the recent visit from Kyle Griffin.

"So, " Clark paused looking around the elevator car. "Would you care to examine the carpet too or do you want to just talk about what's bothering you?"

"Am I that obvious?" She cringed, stealing a sideways glance at him.

He held his index finger and thumb up in the air with a half inch between them and teased, "Just a little bit." He placed a hand on her shoulder, "Come on, you're acting like I grew a third eye. What's going on?"

She let out a light chuckle at the mental image he painted and shook her head. "I wasn't acting like you had a third eye."

"Second head?" He offered with a grin.

"You're not funny, " she said crossing her arms over her chest.

"Hey, I finally got you to talk to me. I'm not going for funny." Clark said with a pleased smile.

"I was talking to you."

"Were you? 'Cause it looked like you were talking to the elevator panel."

Lois sighed, " Fine, " she jerked her head up to meet his gaze. "Better?"

"Much, " he grinned back at her.

She felt the corners of her mouth twitch to a half smile as she stared back at him, "God, this is so ridiculous. We're adults…"

A joking grin crossed his face, "Last time I checked, yes."

"...most of the time." She amended with a teasing smile. "This is why office romance is not a good idea."

"It makes you talk to inanimate objects?"

"No!" Lois rambled slightly flustered. "It makes everything more complicated. We're at work and should probably be talking about the next story but instead we are avoiding…"

"You're avoiding."

"Whatever, fine. I'm avoiding talking about last night and…everything is changing." she paused, staring back at him with a pensive expression. "I am not very good at this."

"Talking?"

"Not funny." She countered with a scowl.

He reached over to stroke her cheek, "You're right. Things are changing. I think for the better though."

Lois felt the weight of her fears threaten to crush her right there. The thought of losing Clark was too much to bear. She had suffered through the three-month blackout when they had hardly spoken during her engagement to Lex. With the exception of her trying and failing miserably to persuade him to attend her wedding. Then there had been those days of mourning when Clark had been shot. She came to face the reality of just what he meant to her when she was faced the bleak future without him in it. She never wanted to go through that again. She couldn't bear to lose him. That was the bitter reality.

Her feelings for Clark ran deep to her core but admitting to them and exploring them opened up the possibility of losing him. Given her track record she knew the chances of losing him would be far greater than by a sure chance of fate it working out between them.

"Clark, I just don't want this...whatever this is to change our working relationship. I mean everything is so much right now but that could easily change. We make a great team...a really great team and last night…"

"What?" Clark asked stroking her cheek with his thumb.

"Who is to say this leap of faith we are taking won't result in everything crashing and burning? It's not like we can avoid dealing with one another if we get into a fight…" Lois pointed out hesitantly as she felt his hand drop from her cheek.

A concerned expression crossed his face and he asked, " Lois, I'd like to think our friendship is strong enough to withstand something like that, but I honestly don't know. As much as id like to predict the future and tell you everything will be fine I can't. I care about you, and I would love to explore where this could lead but if you'd rather not…"

She started back at him with a watery smile. "You and I both know there's no going back."

Before he could respond, she illustrated her point, closing the gap between them. she tilted her head slightly, leaning up to capture his mouth with hers. A flood of emotions rushed through her as she heard a low moan escape her throat. His hands moved through her hair and she felt her insides melt as she lost herself in the one thing, she was absolutely sure of.

Their lips parted and he murmured in her ear, "So, I take it we are not pulling a U-turn."

"We are cautiously moving forward,” she amended, reaching up to stroke his cheek.

"Cautiously optimistic then,” Clark grinned back at her.

"Thank you for …"

Before she could finish her sentence, the elevator pinged, announcing their arrival on the newsroom floor. She let out an annoyed huff. "We will finish this later."

"Promise?" Clark grinned back as the doors opened.

Before she could open her mouth to respond she heard her name being called from her editor’s office. She exchanged a guilty expression with Clark, wondering if the brief exchange they’d shared had somehow been seen despite separating before the doors opened on the newsroom floor.

________________________________________

Mayson Drake toyed with a stray blonde curl with her index finger as she walked through the impound lot, looking for the remnants of her car. Though the police had assured her most of the contents had been lost she had to be sure.

Her mind was racing after the late night she’d spent analyzing everything with Clark Kent. The fog had lifted temporarily when Detective Ryan had called asking her about her belongings in the car wreckage. The police had apparently finished going over the damage to her car. All that was left was for her to pick up her things before it was scrapped for parts. Though she suspected it had been destroyed in the initial explosion she still had to check.

"What exactly are you looking for?" Ryan asked as he looked over her shoulder.

“Let’s just say I came across an important piece of evidence that certain people would prefer was destroyed.” She paused, glancing at Ryan with a weak smile, “Let’s just hope they’re wrong.”

________________________________________

Lois barely made it two steps out of the elevator before she found herself summoned into her Editor-in-Chief’s office. She crossed her arms over her chest, preparing herself for whatever lecture Perry had prepared for her. He hadn’t said a word before closing the door behind her. She’d been left to stand in silence, wondering just what had motivated the beckon to her editor’s office like a grade-schooler waiting to see the principal.

She watched as Perry took his seat behind his desk and motioned to the seat across from him for her to sit. He still wasn’t saying a word.

She let out a frustrated grunt, wondering if she should just ask him what the problem was or if she was better off waiting him out. Finally, she let out an exasperated shout, “Well?”

“Well, what?” Perry asked, leaning back in his chair.

“You were the one that called me in here, Perry,” Lois muttered between gritted teeth. “What is it?”

“Oh,” Perry shrugged his shoulders. “I wanted to let you know your request has been denied.”

“What request?” Lois argued through gritted teeth. By this point she could feel her exasperation boiling over to anger.

He raised an eyebrow at her with an amused expression, “Were you not just in my office yesterday morning demanding a new partner?”

Lois let out a low breath, feeling her cheeks flush at the memory of just how badly things had ended the previous evening. She’d been desperate to avoid Clark at any cost. Even going so far as to request a new partner. She hadn’t realized Perry had been still considering the request.

“Perry, that was…”

Perry held up a sheet of paper and ripped it in half. “I’m assuming the issues –whatever they may be—have been worked out and I don’t have to file this?”

Lois pursed her lips, fighting the small smile as she caught the twinkle behind her editor’s eye. Try as he might to remain tough in the newsroom he couldn’t hide the soft spot he held for his reporters. “I’m fine, Perry. We’re fine. Everything’s fine.” She pointed to the newsroom behind her. “Don’t worry about me. Can I go back to work?”

“Fine,” Perry folded his hands across his desk, looking back at her. The look on his face told her he didn’t believe her for a minute.

She let out a soft sigh and relented, “I really don’t want to talk about this right now, Perry.”

He nodded, pointing to the door. “Just remember the door is always open.”

“I know,” Lois smiled back at him. “Thanks, Perry.”

________________________________________

Mayson tapped the small metal capsule, holding it up in the air for inspection. She glanced behind her to where Detective Ryan was watching her curiously. She was sure she would have to explain why she was so relieved to him at a later time but for now she chose to focus on the small blessings.

Despite being engulfed in flames by the explosion last night, the evidence she’d uncovered from McCarthy’s prison cell hadn’t been destroyed. That meant she still had time to track down the culprit behind these prison escapes and stop them.

She quickly tossed the metal capsule in her purse and made her way toward the exit, leaving a bewildered Detective Ryan behind. She couldn’t take any further chances after last night. She had to get this to STAR Labs.

________________________________________

Detective Ryan frowned as he watched Mayson turn to leave, uncertain what could have been so important that she thought to hide it in her car’s doorframe. He waited until she had left and circled around the car to where Mayson had been standing. He lifted up the plastic cover, looking for any sign of a clue but found nothing but dark ashy residue leftover from the explosion last night.

He wondered momentarily if he should go after Mayson, but just as quickly as the thought entered his mind, he dismissed it. She made it clear she wanted to do whatever it was she was doing alone. Still, something felt amiss with Mayson. Her normal bantering and wit were gone and in its place was a distant and cold person he wasn’t sure he wanted to get too close to for fear of having his arm ripped off.

He glanced at the car door that was slightly ajar and tapped it closed, not noticing the small metal capsule that rolled out as he walked away.

________________________________________

Jimmy juggled the large stack of files in his arms while trying to navigate through the chaos that was the Daily Planet newsroom, where many reporters were oblivious to his attempts to pass by. He let out an obnoxious cough trying to get the attention of Alan Davis, one of the more seasoned reporters on the Daily Planet’s Political beat who so rudely happened to be standing in front of Jimmy’s desk.

“I’m telling you I have it on good authority that Lois Lane asked for a new partner.” Alan continued to jabber on to his colleague. “Whatever was going on between those two has fizzled out.”

“I don’t know, Alan,” Mark Watts from Finance shrugged his shoulders. “According to Meyers, they seemed pretty cozy when they left here last night, and they seem awfully comfortable with one another right now.” He pointed to the elevator doors where the duo had just disappeared behind.

“Care to put a wager on it?” Alan asked, holding his hand out. “Loser buys the first round at Taggart’s.”

“You’re so on!”

Jimmy having heard enough finally pushed his way between the two reporters, dropping the files on his desk with a loud thump. “You know, maybe if you two focused on something other than the Planet grapevine you might have something for the Chief before he starts riding your butts for the next editions’ copy.”

Alan rolled his eyes back at Jimmy, “Yeah, what do you know about it, copy boy?”

“Davis! Watts! Quit your lollygagging and get your butts in gear! You got time to socialize you got time to write!” Perry’s voice boomed from across the bullpen. Jimmy couldn’t help but smirk to himself when he caught the surprised expression on both the reporters’ faces.

________________________________________

Clark held his hand up over his brow, looking up at the steps to the Metropolis P.D. Lois had rushed out of Perry’s office this morning and practically shoved him out the door. A drastic change from the way Lois had behaved earlier, practically drawing a line on the elevator floor to avoid talking to him.

Things were different now.

He knew it would take some getting used to for both of them. The shift in their relationship wasn’t something either of them could adjust to overnight. The walk over to City Hall had been quiet as he wondered what to say after how they had left things earlier.

<<"You and I both know there's no going back."

"So, I take it we are not pulling a U-turn."

"We are cautiously moving forward.”

"Cautiously optimistic then”>>

Cautiously optimistic was putting it lightly if he was honest with himself. He’d been emotionally throwing caution to the wind for months now. Ever since he’d made the decision to take that leap of faith and pursue a relationship with Lois.

“It’s been six hours,” Lois said, readjusting her purse strap as she began climbing the steps to the Metropolis P.D. “They’re sure to have some sort of lead by now, right?”

“One can hope,” Clark let out a long sigh as he followed Lois through the double doors of the police station lobby. “Not sure how much ground the police will have been able to cover in six hours though.” He let out a sigh when he spotted the deputy behind his desk, taking a sip of his morning coffee.

“Excuse me?” Lois pulled out her press pass, waving it in the air, “Lois Lane, Daily Planet.” She pointed behind her to Clark, “This is my partner, Clark Kent. We’re here to see Detective Ryan.”

The deputy sized them up for a moment before cocking an eyebrow up and asking, “He expecting you?”

“No, we just thought we’d take our chances and surprise him,” Lois replied in a sarcastic tone. Little did the deputy know she was dead serious.

A loud buzz came from the door behind deputy, and he motioned for them to go through the door. “First office on the right.”

Clark let out a long sigh as the door closed behind them. He leaned in to whisper in Lois’ ear, catching a whiff of the mixture of lavender and vanilla from her as he spoke, “What exactly are you going to say to him? Hi, we’re in the neighborhood please tell us about your high-profile investigation?”

“He was the first one on the scene. He’s got to know something,” Lois reasoned aloud as they reached Detective Ryan’s office. “Besides it’s better than waiting for a press release from the DA.”

Clark let out a groan, “And if he doesn’t have anything to share?”

Lois shrugged her shoulders, “We wait for the press release I suppose.”

“Great,” Clark grumbled in a barely audible tone as he followed Lois down the hall.
________________________________________

TBC...

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