Previously - Chapter 20 ***
Chapter 21 ***
It had been a last-minute decision to enroll. Lana’s life in Smallville, working at the bank, just wasn’t fulfilling. And when she sat and thought about her options and what she really wanted out of life, journalism sat at the top of the list. She had been accepted into the journalism school just before the next semester would commence.
How lucky she thought herself when she ran into Clark that day in Smallville and learned they would be in the same place together. She could hardly contain her excitement. She never had a chance with him in high school the way he kept his distance. But he was kind and considerate, protective and trustworthy. He was the best she could have hoped for. No one had ever measured up to Clark and no one ever would.
And life had seen fit to give them a second chance.
Attending journalism school and practically living with Clark had not been quite what she expected, but determination to get what she wanted out of life kept her going. Today, however, she trudged across campus on her way to meet with a group of fellow students, bothered by the turn of events.
This thing with Lois put a wedge between them and she wanted to rip it away and insist that
she was all he needed. But unless he dealt with it, Lois would always be there, separating them. Maybe her friends were right. Maybe Clark was a lost cause and there was no hope of Lana helping him back to the incredible man she used to know.
If only she had some sort of sign that a life with Clark was possible. A light at the end of the tunnel. A glimmer of what could be. She knew Clark loved her, but she didn’t know how deep it ran…or if it was more than what he felt for Lois.
“Ugh!” she groaned aloud, fisting her hands. She ignored the strange looks from those she passed and continued forward.
She was still on this precipice, waiting for something to change. Ready to fall or to jump, not knowing what to do or how.
“Lana!”
She knew it was Clark instantly. He was coming toward her on the path. Judging by his appearance he’d run the entire way. But more, something was wrong. As he stopped in front of her, she thought about how sick he looked, like he’d been dragged through the metaphorical mud.
“Clark?”
“I need your help, Lana,” he blurted as he came to stop in front her, placing his hands on his hips and breathing deeply.
Her heart leapt at his words and she smiled at him.
“Something happened to Lois,” he said between breaths.
And there it was. Her sign. Her smile disappeared, and she felt the sting of tears. This emotional roller coaster she was on needed to end.
“Can we go to my place and listen to this CD?” He held up an unmarked CD case as if it held the answers to some great puzzle.
Lana blinked at Clark’s strange request. “I don’t understand.”
“Lois was following me on the trail this morning and someone kidnapped her. This guy who was helping her, before she got kidnapped, that is, he said I have to help Lois and gave me this CD.” He held the CD up and looked at it with uncertainty. “He said …” But he didn’t finish, he just shook his head then hung it as he stared at his feet.
Lana groaned internally. Was it so much to ask for a simple, uncomplicated relationship in which Clark loved her and only her and there was nothing standing in their way? It certainly felt like it was too much right now. She wanted to slap him in the face, knock some sense into him. Maybe she should. Could he not see what this was doing to her?
But when he looked up at her with those puppy dog eyes and the inner turmoil he was feeling was so plainly etched on his face, she knew she’d do anything for him.
Even this ridiculous undertaking.
“Look, I know it’s a lot to ask… too much. But you are the only one I trust.”
She shook her head and took a deep breath, steeling herself for whatever was to come. “Oh, Clark, who could say no to you?” She took his elbow and turned them toward his apartment, forgetting her own plans.
Fifteen minutes later, they were walking up the front steps to his apartment, Lana kicking herself the whole way as Clark explained just how horrible the past few days had been for him. This was even worse than normal for Clark. It was like that children’s book she read as a kid,
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. She silently hoped that someday she would understand why she put herself in these awkward positions. But she already knew: she just couldn’t say no to this man. She loved him and would do anything for him.
“So, what’s on the CD?” she finally asked once they entered the apartment.
“Nat King Cole.” He went straight to the stereo beside the couch, opening the CD case and tossing it empty onto the couch.
“What are we listening for?” she asked as she attempted to get comfortable on the couch though the circumstances that brought her here made it difficult to do. Picking up the CD case revealed that it was just a copy of another album or a mix CD.
“I don’t know.” Clark pressed play and sat on the floor facing the stereo.
A catchy intro of piano and guitar preceded a song Lana recognized.
L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see But she wouldn’t get to hear more. Clark pressed the button to advance to the next track.
“Hey, I thought you had to listen to these,” Lana pointed out as the intro to the next song, one she didn’t recognize, began.
Clark shook his head. “Lois already sang this one to me.”
“I’m sorry,” Lana was unable to keep the shock from her voice. “What did you say??”
“Every time I saw her yesterday, she sang to me.” Clark said this as though it were both obvious and perfectly acceptable.
Lana simply sat with her mouth open as anger ignited in her. She was singing
love songs to him? Why hadn’t he mentioned that? It seemed like an important piece of information since it was just as confusing as the rest of this crazy, messed up story. She could believe it wasn’t an intentional omission given the strangeness of it all, but it still grated on her nerves.
The jazz opening of guitar and piano seemed to draw on forever, leaving Clark and Lana in a tense silence that she was sure he wasn’t even aware of. Lana didn’t recognize the song and when the music began to build up, she saw relief coming only to have that taken away by more of the same. She tried to focus on why she was doing this.
Clark needs me, she kept repeating to herself.
It is only a paper moon.
Hanging over a cardboard scene
But it wouldn’t be make believe
If you believe in me. “What’s supposed to happen?” she asked.
“I’m supposed to remember something.” Clark shook his head and reached to advance to the next track for more jazzy piano and guitar to begin.
A buzzard took a monkey for a ride in the air
The monkey thought that everything was on the square He advanced to the next track.
The absurdity of his behavior was increasing, and she wasn’t sure how she should react. “A song is supposed to help you remember something?” she asked, trying to understand. Why couldn’t he just explain what was going on?
She narrowed her eyes at him when he shushed her, throwing logs on the embers of her ire.
I love you
For sentimental reasons Next track.
“Clark…” she tried to get his attention.
This time he held a hand up to her and it was all she could do to not slap it away.
***
There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy That wasn’t it. Clark wasn’t sure what was supposed to happen, but so far none of these songs did any more for him than the ones Lois sang yesterday.
Next track.
They try to tell us we’re too young
To young to really be in love This wasn’t it either.
Next track.
Gee it’s great after being out late Nope. Next track.
I was walkin’ along mindin’ my business As Clark reached to advance the track once more, he became vaguely aware of Lana moving behind him. He turned in time to see her reach for the door. “Lana?” he asked bewildered. “What are you doing?” He needed her, why was she leaving?
“Clark, this is stupid,” she said as she spun on her heels. “I just tried to get your attention
repeatedly and you’re so focused on listening to the stupid songs. Which you aren’t even listening to all of!”
Clark watched her take a slow deep breath when she paused. He got up off the floor and opened his mouth to speak, but she put her hand up to stop him.
“I don’t have any idea what is going on, but I know it doesn’t include me. I’m just … in the way, accidentally mixed up in some … crazy happening. If you have to remember something by listening to music, I bet I know what it is and when you do remember, you’ll realize that I was right about you and Lois.” She turned away, shaking her head.
“Lana-” he started, taking a step toward her.
“No, Clark.” The eyes she turned on him froze him in place. Regret and resolve and anger filled her expression before it softened, awareness dawning. He wished he knew exactly what she was thinking instead of these vague emotions. She gave a strangled laugh. “It’s so obvious to me now.”
Clark searched his mind for anything obvious, but all he found was a jumbled mess of despair, guilt, and shame. And mixed in was this irrational need to go after Lois knowing full well that it would only lead to more of the same feelings. What could Lana possibly know that Clark didn’t?
“I was right, you are in love with her,” she said.
“I am not!” he protested. “Have you not heard anything I’ve said for the past three days?” Anger and impatience boiled inside him and he breathed as if he’d just finished running a marathon.
She took the few steps to reach him, her face not the anger he expected, but rather one of sad acceptance. He was thoroughly confused and unable to move, only able to watch as she stretched up to kiss him on the cheek. When she pulled back, she looked into his eyes and, in their depths, he saw what he was doing to her. He felt sick.
“I thought I could fix you, help you get back to the person you were back in high school. Love you until you love me …” She pressed her hand to his cheek and produced the most tragic smile Clark had ever scene.
“Lana,” he finally managed to say as she pulled away. She shook her head, stopping him.
“I don’t know what happened, but something did. You have to find her and put everything back to the way it was.” She shrugged, opened the door to leave and said, “And I’m not a part of it.” She turned to look over her shoulder at him. “Goodbye, Clark.”
The door closed, and his mind reeled. Not only had he ruined Lois’s life, now he’d ruined Lana’s life as well.
I’ve been hit!
This is it! This is it! I, T, It! Clark turned toward the stereo, still feeling stunned.
I was walkin’ along mindin’ my business,
When love came and hit me in the eye,
Flash, bam, alakazam,
Out of an orange colored, purple striped, pretty, green polka dot sky,
Flash, bam, alakazam, and goodbye. Clark ran a frustrated hand through his hair, leaving it mussed. There was no bottom to this pit of despair he fell into over two years ago. Everything he did was wrong. Every choice he made hurt others. And he was powerless to stop it.
The violins of an orchestra began the next song on the CD. Clark recognized the intro as one of his mother’s favorite songs, one he had no interest in hearing right now. He reached to turn the stereo off as the smooth voice of Nat King Cole drew out the first word of the song out.
Smile As his vision grew cloudy and he began to feel light headed, Clark wondered if the emotional stress he’d been under was finally starting to have physical effects.
Tho’ your heart is aching. But as he blinked and shook his head to clear it, it worsened instead, and he was transported to a park where he walked …
With Lois.
###
May 21, 1995
“You chilly?” he asked as he put his around Lois’s shoulder. It was a cool evening and smelled like rain was approaching.
“No,” she replied simply.
“Lois, I’ve been thinking,” he started tentatively. He had so much he wanted to say to her and after thinking for a long time he finally knew how he might say it. He hoped he had the courage to see it through.
“Me too,” she said, reaching up to lace her fingers into his on the hand hanging over her shoulder. The action warmed him and solidified his resolve.
“What about?” he asked. He wanted to know every thought that ever went through her head, wanted to know her completely.
“You first,” she insisted.
“Okay,” he said with a smile. He lowered his head, preparing himself to pour his heart out, to hear her reaction. He watched his feet as they walked, unable to look at her just yet. He wouldn’t be able to say all of this with those eyes of hers bewitching him. “Sometimes… you think you’re immortal. You start to think that the people around you are too. And it just takes a second to realize how … wrong you are… about everything.”
They stopped there in the middle of the walkway and Clark turned Lois to face him.
“Listen,” Clark began, looking Lois straight in the eye. The compassion he saw in her eyes made his breath catch, but he pushed on. “What I’m trying to say, Lois, I almost lost you and I … feel… ashamed.” He looked away as he composed himself. Why was he so nervous about this?
Lois moved into his line of vision. “Ashamed? Why?” she asked, searching his eyes. The sincerity in her voice gave him the courage he needed to keep going.
“I kept pushing you away even when I promised I’d stop.” Clark stared directly into her eyes, forcing his next words to penetrate any defenses she had left. “If you died without ever knowing why, I’d never be able to forgive myself. Because I love you.”
When she smiled at him and reached to run her fingers through his hair and caress his face, he melted into it and knew he had made the right decision. He took her hand and led her to the fountain they had neared while walking and motioned for her to sit.
A flash of lightning brightened their surroundings and a crack of thunder rent through the air. He looked up as the impending storm broke free.
“Come on! Give me a break!” he yelled at the sky. Would everything try to prevent him from saying what he needed to say?
“You want to go back?” Lois asked.
Clark looked back at her, determined. She sat ducking her head to avoid getting rain in her eyes, but her eyes belied her suggestion. “If the earth opened up at my feet, I wouldn’t move until I’d said this.” Without averting his eyes, he knelt in front of Lois and took her hand in his. It was soft, warm, willing, and when he grasped it he could hear her heartbeat accelerating.
“Lois,” Clark began, rain dripping from his hair into his face, “will you marry me?”
As Clark brought out the intricate, beautifully designed diamond engagement ring, he heard her gasp.
### His vision cleared, and he collapsed onto the couch he had been standing in front of. Swallowing hard, he struggled past the unease. Was that what was supposed to happen? But he hadn’t remembered anything real. He recognized it immediately as the dream Lana described. He could feel the emotions welling inside him as if it were real, but there was no way that was even possible. It was no wonder she believed he was in love with Lois after hearing what he said.
Only it was a dream. Scott gave him the impression that something had happened to his memories. This couldn’t be what he was referring to. What difference would a dream about Lois make?
Regardless, Clark couldn’t ignore this urge to help, even knowing that Lois would not welcome it. Knowing he would likely screw that up as well, he got ready to go find Scott and see what was next.
***
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