Chapter 5
She stepped off the elevator feeling like a zombie. She should have stayed home. She could have; Perry would have given her a personal day if she'd asked. The only thought that kept her from doing that was the thought that he might come back, and she'd be stuck at home fearing another knock on her door. So in spite of the fact that she'd spent hours crying last night, only getting a few fitful minutes of sleep on the couch, and then had Havana up and running around the house by sunrise, she got ready for work. She would have kept Havana with her all day if she weren't dead on her feet already, so she dropped her off at the Planet's day care downstairs.
Coffee. The aroma of the newsroom brew dragged her forward, and she shuffled towards the coffee machine to pour herself a cup.
"Lois! Chief wants to see you."
Jimmy's loud clap of sound made her jump, and a few precious drops of coffee spilled. She scowled darkly at him and his smile dropped as he backed away without another word. She smiled to herself a little viciously. Good. Maybe he'd spread the word for people to leave her alone today. Maybe she could spend the day 'researching' in the conference room, with the blinds drawn. Maybe she could get Jimmy to scrounge her up a pillow.
She wandered over to her desk slowly, making sure to glare at anyone who dared look at her with a chipper smile. This was not the day for chit chat.
"Lois! My office, now!"
She detoured with her coffee in hand, and followed the boom of Perry's voice. She didn't have the energy for this. Whatever assignment he had for her, she'd have to pass on to someone else. He shut the door behind her and drew the blinds while she sank gratefully into a chair and breathed in the scent of her coffee.
"You all right, darling?"
She took a sip of her drug of choice and hummed noncommittally. "It wasn't a great night."
"Yeah. And in other news, water is wet. You look like hell." She scoffed at him. "Clark Kent have anything to do with that?"
She narrowed her eyes at her boss. "'Scuse me?"
"Oh, please, Lois. Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining. That boy's her father, isn't he?"
She grasped for words, shocked he'd figured it out so easily. "How?"
"He looks just like her. I don't think I would have figured it out if you hadn't recognized him, though. That's when I put two and two together."
"I'm sorry, Perry. I just don't have the energy to talk about this right now. I don't know if he's a great writer or not, but if you decide to hire him... I'm sure... I can deal."
"I'm not gonna hire him, Lois, even if his stuff is good. I wouldn't do that to you."
Relief rushed her, along with some other feeling she couldn't name but certainly couldn't be guilt, and she closed her eyes on a sigh. "Thanks, Perry."
"Don't even worry about it, darlin'. So how did things go? Is he interested in staying involved in Havana's life, or is he still a deadbeat like I thought he was?"
"Perry," she warned. She really didn't want to discuss this with her boss, not right now. She still hadn't sorted it all out herself.
"I always thought he had to be a real special so-and-so to just walk out on you like that, with child. Although, I'll admit, he didn't come across as a bad guy when I was interviewing him yesterday, but then again, you never can tell--"
"No, it's not like that, Perry. He didn't even know she existed until yesterday."
He shut his mouth with a click and sank into his chair. "Oh. Uh. Okay. Well... how did he take it?"
Lois growled and slid her coffee mug onto his desk to rub at her temples. "Not good. I mean, good. He seemed happy, but it wasn't until after that when things went... It was a long night, Perry."
He nodded and held up his hands defensively. "Say no more. Far be it from me to pry."
She smiled a little at that, because Cat Grant might be the gossip columnist around here, but Perry White kept the office grapevine in full swing.
"You need some time off? How's Hana doing in all this?"
She hesitated, wringing her hands nervously. "She's fine. She hasn't exactly put it together yet. But she seemed to like him--"
"You mean you've already introduced her?"
Her shoulders tensed at his tone. "Yeah, I didn't really have a choice. He, uh, tracked me down, came over to my apartment last night. By the way, you didn't tell him where I lived, right?"
"Lois! I would never! You know better than that. Besides, the insurance company pays to keep your personal information out of the phone books. Why would I tell anyone--"
"I know," she sighed. This was all a big mess. "Maybe that just goes to show his chops. Investigatively speaking. Personally speaking, it really pissed me off."
Perry stayed cryptically silent, and she narrowed her eyes at him. He reached for his mug just as she reached for hers. "What?"
"Nothing."
"Perry."
He sipped at his brew in silence, but two could play at that game. She waited him out, pinning him with a pointed stare. "I just... I hope you're not going to give him the brush off too quickly. I'm on your side still, believe me. But if he really does want to be apart of Havana's life... well, that little girl deserves all the love she can get."
A sour look crossed her face at that. Because that was a dirty move on Perry's part. Because he wasn't wrong, and in spite of everything else that came out last night, the thought kept nagging at the back of her mind.
She was dying.
Lois drained the rest of her coffee in one long sip, exhaling heavily as she set the mug back down on his desk. "I can't, Perry. You don't understand."
"You can't, or you don't want to?"
"Both," she stuck her lip out stubbornly.
"I'm not saying you have to give him a shot, but what does it hurt?"
"She's my baby. It'll hurt her the second he realizes he doesn't like having roots and goes floating back to Cuba."
Perry gave her a patronizing stare, and Lois jumped to her feet. He didn't understand, and she wasn't going to be able to explain it to him without some further investigation. "You know what, I'm going to take a personal day after all. I need to clear my head." He waved her off, and she drew up her composure before leaving his office.
A little black and brown teddy bear sat on her desk, and she frowned as she detoured towards it. She picked him up and examined him, curiosity furrowing her brow, and she realized he was acting as a paperweight for a large manilla envelope underneath. She picked up the envelope with her heart in her throat-- it was unmarked save for her name scrawled neatly in the center, no postage or anything. She snapped an arm out and caught Jimmy as he walked past. "Hey, did you see who put this here?"
He looked between the bear and the envelope before shrugging. "Nope. Haven't seen anybody near your desk, but it wasn't there earlier."
She released him without another word, staring at the envelope with a growing sense of panic in her chest. If she was being served, she would have had to accept it personally. If it was personal information, or something from the doctors-- well, they would have sent it to her home, or called and told her to talk in person.
The little bear screamed Clark.
Nerves made her stomach churn, though. What could he possibly have to say? Short of it being a formal request to see Havana-- perhaps a court-approved one-- exercising his paternal rights-- claiming she was an unfit mother-- she was nothing like her own mother, but that's what men did, like clockwork-- and she couldn't do anything to stop it if he wanted to-- oh, god, she was spiralling and spiralling fast.
She clutched the envelope tight against her chest, and headed straight for the elevator. She couldn't be seen crying her eyes out after reading whatever more horrible news this turned out to be. The bear got shoved into her purse and she tried to exude and air of calm confidence as she waited for the elevator to go.
As soon as the doors sealed her in by herself, she was ripping open the seam and fishing out the papers inside. The elevator doors opened back up on the floor to the daycare and she stepped out into the quiet hallway, trying to focus her eyes.
Dear Lois, I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry for everything-- how I behaved, how I reacted, the things I said. I violated your trust and your privacy, and that was wrong, no matter what I might have thought going in. I came over to tell you the truth about me, and to see if there was anything I could do to help. I had no idea what emotions I would be provoking, and I had no idea that I would be meeting my daughter for the first time. I wish I could take it back-- not for Havana, never for that. She's perfect, and you seem to be doing a wonderful job raising her. But I wish I didn't behave so irrationally.
I know those are just words, and they seem like I'm just trying to say the right thing. But it's the truth. I know you don't trust me right now. I know you must think I'm crazy or impossible or some science experiment gone wrong. You're not wrong to be frightened. It's a lot to take in for one evening. Truthfully, I should have told you that night we met, but I didn't anticipate things going so far and I didn't know how to tell anyone my secret. You're the only person in the world I've ever told this to, and outside my parents, you're the only one who knows. I'm not asking for anything at all-- you have your own life, and Havana has hers. Although I'd love to imagine a perfect future where I could play some role in her life, and nothing would make me happier than to be her father, I am a realist. I don't want to upset you in any way. All I ask is that you hear my story, because there's more to it. And that's how I want you to look at this: a story. If at the end of it all, you want to publish this story, and you'll probably get a pulitzer for it, then be my guest. I only ask that you hear me out, and that you consider everyone involved-- including you and Havana-- before you do.
She clutched the paper tight as she could without ripping it, and smoothed her hand over it. It wasn't damn fair. This was likely to be the story of the century, story of her career, and she couldn't write it. There was no way. Because if Havana couldn't feel pain, like her father, then there were likely other things she'd inherited. He knew that. He couldn't possibly think she would be that big of a monster.
She couldn't put her daughter at any more risk of exposure.
She flipped the page over, and her heart somersaulted in her chest. There were photographs. A lot of photographs. She picked up the top one, a young toothless Clark Kent grinning up at her, arms wrapped around an oversized stuffed bear. It looked a lot like a bigger version of the small bear she had in her purse. Her heart pulled with longing-- he looked like her daughter, maybe a couple years older and with shorter hair, but the resemblance was uncanny. If she hadn't known for a fact he was Havana's father, this picture would have sealed the deal. She flipped to the next picture, and a couple lines of neat cursive caught her eye. Lois turned the photograph right side up to read the scrawl-- Clark, age 4, Smallville Corn Festival. Jonathan won him the bear in the corn shucking contest; Clark's two front teeth ate it when he got too excited about his caramel apple.
Her eyes crinkled at the image, and she bit her lip. His mother must have written on these. She assumed it was his mother. She looked on the next image and saw a blonde woman with glasses cuddling a little baby, a giant grin on her face. That had to be her. She knew that grin. That was the grin of a proud new mother.
Only the baby seemed a few months too old.
She carefully shuffled past the photographs-- she could look through them later, depending on what the rest of the letter said. Right now she needed answers, and reassurance. She needed to understand the why.
She sank down to the hard linoleum floors and leaned against the wall, already feeling an achiness in her joints. She set the photos and the first page down and turned to the next couple of pages.
Dear, Lois. I don't have the words for this. I never imagined... Well, let me start. My name is Martha Kent. I'm Clark's mother.
Dammit. He had his mother going to bat for him? That wasn't fair, that so wasn't what she needed right now.
Let me start with apologies. Because there's so many things I'm sorry for. I'm sorry circumstances didn't start out right, I'm sorry you never got to know my son for the man that he is, I'm sorry we never got to know you or your child. It's a difficult situation, understandably, and I have to admit, you must be a very brave woman for taking on everything you have, and with an illness to boot. There's no reason I would ever want to add to that list of complications. But I understand that Clark told you a little bit of his story, and I just wanted to flush it out a little more for you. At the very least, I hope it'll shed a little insight for your own daughter.
Lois pursed her lips. Well, at least his mother seemed a good person. She didn't seem to be blaming her, or taking her son's side entirely. It wasn't unreasonable to ask that she hear her out. Lois wished it was as easy as being angry and burning the whole thing... but she couldn't do that. This was pieces of her daughter's history. Her family. It wasn't her fault where she came from. She couldn't dismiss it out of hand.
She took a deep breath before diving back in.
When Clark came into our lives, things weren't going great for Jonathan (my husband, Clark's father) and I. We'd been trying for years, but just found out officially that we couldn't have children. It was devastating for us; it was all we'd ever wanted to raise a family. And it was like the universe answered a prayer. We were driving past Schuster's Field, and a streak of something flew right over our heads and crash landed into a clearing. Curious, we got out to investigate. It was the most bizarre thing-- some sort of meteorite had crash landed there, and in the middle of it all was some sort of pod-like thing, some type of spaceship.
Lois swallowed the lump in her throat. Because spaceships? That was ludicrous. She couldn't be serious.
When we approached, it opened, and inside was the sweetest, cutest little baby boy, wrapped in a red blanket. We couldn't leave him there all alone-- so we didn't hesitate.
Clark. They'd found Clark in a crashed spaceship. Did that mean what she thought it meant? She'd have thought she was losing her marbles if she hadn't seen him floating in midair.
She skimmed the next few paragraphs, information abot childhood hijinks, about growing pains, slowed when it came to the point of apparent powers developing. Her heart leapt to her throat. He had all these... abilities. Lois ran her fingers through her hair nervously. He was strong, fast, could see through walls and hear things from miles away, and he could fly. He could actually fly!
That explained how he got into Cuba.
We didn't ever know for sure what he was, where he came from, until he was about twenty.
"Miss Lane? Are you here to pick up your daughter early?"
Lois jumped, startled out of her reading material by the sound of the day care teacher's voice. She clutched the letter to her chest privately and smiled at the stout woman, putting on a false smile for her benefit. "Uh, kind of. I just needed some space to do some... research, in peace. I'll be coming in to pick her up shortly, I promise, Caroline."
"It's perfectly all right. Take whatever time you need."
She smiled at the woman warmly. She was a godsend sometimes. "Thanks."
"Of course."
Lois released a tight breath, the flow of oxygen reminding her of the ache in her chest, and she turned her attention back to the end of the letter.
There were these government agents that came out to investigate the crash twenty years before, and they were keenly interested in Clark. One of them in particular came after him with a radioactive chunk of the meteorite he'd arrived in, and severely injured him. The only good thing that came out of the whole ordeal was that Clark got to learn the truth of his origins. A small globe was hidden in his spacecraft, and it contained a message from his birth parents. He was born on another planet-- one that was dying-- and his parents saved him by shipping him off to Earth. I never knew how much pain he carried around inside him all the time until I saw the relief on his face after he heard that.
She wiped at a tear rolling down her cheek, not sure why she was crying. She just kept picturing him, so broken up about not knowing his history, wondering if his parents hated him, abandoned him, thought he was abnormal.
So now, he spends his time wandering the globe. He loves to try new things, but he really can't help but help out when someone is in trouble. He never gets to stay in one place for too long, too afraid of being caught and having his secret revealed.
That was what she was most afraid of.
But I know my son, and if there's one thing I know, he won't let anything happen to hurt your little girl. He has such a big heart. I understand if you don't want him involved in her life, and that's absolutely your perogative. But please, don't hold his secret against him. He's a stupid boy sometimes, but I love him to death, and it is a big secret. It's coming from a good place, believe me.
The pictures are yours to keep. If you decide to keep doing your own thing, you can share these with your daughter one day. And I wouldn't be adverse to seeing some pictures of my grandbaby in return, but it's entirely up to you.
Lois wiped another tear away. Because this woman didn't even know her, and she was being so nice. And she clearly wanted to be a grandma more than anything, but she wasn't pushing.
Her own mother wasn't so understanding.
Lois' eyes went wide as a memory suddenly struck. Her mother. She was supposed to have lunch with her mother today. Drat. No way was she emotionally capable of dealing with Ellen Lane today. She flipped over the last page as she stacked all the miscellaneous pages together, stopping when she saw Clark's handwriting again.
If you never want to see or hear from me again, I understand. But if you do ever want to talk, you can reach me at the number below. And if you just want a second opinion, without me involved, please reach out to the second number below. He's been my primary physician for most my life, and I think it wouldn't hurt for him to give your illness another pass. - CK
Her eyes watered at that. He was too sweet, but he was wrong about the doctor. She'd gotten plenty of second opinions already, one more wasn't going to change anything. But... She bit her lip again as she weighed her options. She slid all the papers back into the manilla envelope and painstakingly got back on her feet.
Lois popped her head around the corner of the day care's entrance. "Hey, Caroline? I'm actually going to work the full day after all. Something's come up. Is it all right if Havana stays the full shift today still?"
"Of course! You know we love Havana."
Lois smiled in relief, glancing out across the space to watch her daughter running around the play area with a blanket tied around her neck like a cape, dark curls bouncing in the natural light of the windows. "Thanks. I'll be back at four. Let me just go check in."
She strode across the space to her daughter's side in a heartbeat.
"Mama!"
Lois grinned the way only her daughter could make her grin. "Hi, Havana, baby. What are you playing?"
"I'm hero, Mama! Like you!"
"Like me?" her brow furrowed a little, but the amusement in her belly kept her face from showing it too much.
"Powes, Mama! Like 'tory time!"
Her heart melted and ached at the same time, because the girl remembered the bedtime story Clark had told plain as day, which meant she remembered Clark, and she was clearly quite attached already. She smiled softly and pet a hand over her curls. "You are a hero to me, Hana Banana."
The girl giggled and cuddled into her side on a hug. Lois loosened the makeshift cape around her neck just a tad, just in case, under the pretense of straightening it for the girl. "Mama's got a story to write, so I'll be back later, kay?"
"Kay." The girl was distracted again already, tracking one of her little friends as they stacked some blocks up high.
Lois planted a kiss on the girl's head and ruffled her unruly locks gently. "Bye, baby. Mama loves you."
"Bye-bye!"
And she was scampering off again, Lois' brief intrusion already forgotten. Lois chuckled and shook her head. Oh, what she'd give for one ounce of that energy. She stood slowly and turned, exiting the daycare. Her smile disappeared with every step further she took. Because she had to call and cancel lunch with her mother.
And she had to call Clark Kent.
