Ambivalence
Rated T
A/N: Thanks to KenJ for beta-ing this chapter.
**********
The next morning Lois left for work a little early. She stopped by her and Clark’s favorite coffee stand and asked Ben, the owner, for “Clark’s regular” too.
Ben leaned forward eagerly. “Does this mean you two are finally dating?”
“I beg your pardon!”
Ben backed up, his hands coming up in a placating motion. “Ms. Lane, I’ve been selling you coffee since before Mr. Kent started working at the Planet. You’ve never bought coffee for someone else.”
Lois fumbled with her wallet, trying to hide how flustered she felt. She forced herself to shrug nonchalantly. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no, we are not dating. It’s just my turn to pick up coffee today.”
**********
Was she really that selfish? She tried to think of the last time she’d done anything for anyone. Clark was always going out of his way to do little things for people—refilling the break area napkins when they were almost empty, starting a new pot of coffee when he finished off the old one, holding doors for people, asking various of their coworkers about their kids, making sure that he looked at Jimmy’s latest photos and encouraged him, snagging her favorite kind of doughnut before they were gone, and on and on. He was always ready with a smile and a kind word—or at least he used to be. Lately, he’d been more withdrawn, but he still did small things for others all the time, even if he didn’t go out of his way to chat with anyone. She’d just chalked it up to his small-town values, but maybe there was more to it than that.
She walked into the bullpen, still thinking about it. She’d gotten here before Clark, so she set his coffee down on his desk and proceeded to boot up her computer. Just then, Clark walked out of the elevator. She surreptitiously watched him as he headed towards his desk. He still had a friendly “Good morning” for the people he passed. She usually just ignored everyone until after she was settled at her desk, and then she only talked to the people she needed something from—i.e., Clark, Perry, and Jimmy. He stopped in front of his desk and stared at the coffee as though someone had put a foreign object there, then sat down.
“Morning, Clark,” Lois said, walking over to his desk.
“Morning, Lois? I’m glad you made it out all right yesterday,” Clark said, staring at her.
Lois waved nonchalantly. “It was fine. Superman came to my rescue like always.”
“Uh-huh.” Clark gestured to the coffee. “Thanks. What do I owe ya?”
“Nothing. I just figured it was my turn to bring coffee today—well, realistically, it’s long past my turn, but I figured I’d start making up for it today by bringing some in.” She forced herself to breathe, then added, “I hope that’s okay.”
“Sure. Thanks. I’ll get coffee tomorrow.”
“You get coffee all the time. It’s not necessary.”
“O—kay.”
“I mean, I appreciate that you bring me coffee. I just wanted to return the favor. I’m not trying to tell you to stop bringing me coffee.” She pasted a smile on her face. “Anyway! What do we have going on today?”
“I haven’t checked my e-mail or the wires yet, but I’m guessing you want to dig a little deeper into Mrs. Luthor’s dealings.”
“That sounds like a great idea, Clark,” she said enthusiastically.
Clark’s eyes narrowed. “Are you feeling all right today, Lois?”
She nodded. “Yep. How about you? Have an okay night last night?”
Clark leaned back in his chair and studied her. “Okay. Give. What do you want?”
“What do I want?”
“Yeah, you obviously want something.” He sighed. “Lois, you don’t have to buy me coffee and ask me how my night was. Just ask for whatever it is that you want.”
Lois raised her eyebrows. “I was serious about just returning the coffee favor. I don’t want anything,” except your friendship, she added mentally.
“O—kay. Well, then. Dr. Carlin. How do you want to go about it?”
Lois turned in the general direction of Jimmy’s desk. “Jimmy!” she yelled. She turned back to Clark. “Let’s have Jimmy pull whatever he can. He’s probably already got some stuff from when we asked him to track down ACL. Maybe we can both check our e-mail and the wires, and then go over whatever Jimmy’s managed to pull.”
“Works for me.”
“Unless you have another idea?”
“No. That’s fine with me.”
Jimmy came running over, his arms full of files. “Hey guys! Sorry, I was trying to explain something to one of the new research assistants. She’s really cute, but she’s never really had to use systems like ours and—”
“That’s great, Jimmy,” Lois cut in. “We need everything you can get us on—”
“Dr. Carlin?” Jimmy grinned. “Already done.” He set the stack of bulging file folders on Clark’s desk. “I figured you guys would want to start in on her after CK said she was Luthor’s ex. I had some time, so I started pulling stuff yesterday afternoon.”
“You’re the best, Jimmy,” Clark said, standing up and clapping him on the back.
“Yeah, well, I’ve learned from the best,” Jimmy said. “Now, I better get back to work.” He turned to head back to his desk.
“Good luck with the research assistant,” Clark called after him.
“Thanks!”
“So, which half of the files do you want to start with?” Clark asked Lois.
“Um, whichever you’re not starting with.”
Clark gave her another long look. “Are you sure you’re feeling all right?”
“I’m fine!” Lois grabbed the top batch. “I’ll start with these,” she said and stalked back over to her desk. Good Lord, was it that unheard of for her to be nice? She growled a little as she started flipping through the files. In the old days, she and Clark would have taken the folders into a conference room, or at least sat at each other’s desks, but if she suggested that, Clark would probably look at her like she’d grown an extra head. Exactly like I did…, she realized. When he first was nice to her, she kept waiting for the mask to drop. It took a long time for her to realize he wasn’t just smarming up to advance his career. Patience was not her strong suit, but it looked like she was going to have to develop some.
A couple hours later, Lois had finished going through her stack of files. She stretched, rotating her neck to try to work some of the kinks out. Clark had left some twenty minutes ago, presumably to grab lunch. She’d thought about asking him if he wanted to get lunch together, but she figured that’d be jumping the gun. Clark had turned her down almost every day for over a week after her almost wedding until she’d finally stopped asking him. Maybe once she’d softened him up a bit with coffee and being nice, he’d be willing to try lunch. It’d be interesting to find out if he’d had similar thoughts when he was trying to become her friend. Maybe later, if they ever managed to become best friends again, she would ask him.
She took the completed pile of folders over to his desk, and picked up the other half. They were neatly stacked, so she assumed he was done with them. There hadn’t been much in her half—just enough to convince her there was more somewhere else. Bobby had agreed to meet them this afternoon. Hopefully, he’d know something useful. Her stomach growled, and she remembered she still hadn’t had lunch. She glanced at the clock. They were both ending up with a late lunch. Maybe she’d just pick up a sandwich from the deli down the street. She restacked her folders and put a note on Clark’s desk, then left.
Walking down the street, she heard the sonic boom that indicated Superman was at work somewhere nearby. She still wasn’t sure what to make of their encounter last night. How exactly did he want them to distance themselves? A big part of her job was to write up investigations that involved Superman—usually because he’d had to save her towards the end of them.
Really, he was just talking about changing public perception. One would think the fact that she’d almost married another man would have shifted that, but apparently not, at least not for Dr. Carlin. Well, and a lot of the papers had portrayed her as a gold-digger who had lost out in the end. And, judging from what she’d overheard, her co-workers thought she’d accepted Lex because she’d given up on Superman and he was the next best thing. It was painful how close to the truth they’d come. She’d even overheard people arguing that Superman hadn’t saved Lex because Lex had taken Lois away from him. Lois had been horrified by that idea. People obviously didn’t know Superman if they really believed that, although she’d read Clark’s sidebar about Dr. Carlin’s columns. People couldn’t help it if they’d been brainwashed to believe that Superman was wicked.
Lois sighed. Distance herself from Superman…. Despite her feelings for Clark, she was still more than half in love with the man of steel. She didn’t want to distance herself from him. Didn’t he understand that she was willing to take the risks of being associated with him?
But what about the risks to him? That was what it really came down to. He’d almost died, twice now, because of the perception that they were close. Lois sped up. If she really cared for him, she’d have to distance herself.
They could stage a public fight. Superman probably wouldn’t go for that—a fake fight didn’t fit in with truth and justice. She could date someone else. She shuddered at the thought. He couldn’t show anyone else attention, or he’d be in the same place all over again, just with someone who wasn’t her. They could appear to drift apart. He could stop giving her interviews and exclusives (other than when it was related to a story she was already working on), and she could be more circumspect in her affections. She probably shouldn’t have kissed him in front of live television cameras that were being broadcast worldwide, but she’d wanted him to know that someone on Earth cared about him as a person, rather than for what he could do for them. Oh well. It wasn’t like her life was normally all that safe anyway. Drifting apart was probably their best bet.
After ordering her sandwich, Lois noticed a young woman who was struggling to open the deli door, her arms full of one of the deli’s office-sized take-out boxes. Lois wondered why the woman hadn’t simply gotten the food delivered, but something about the woman still appealed to her. Lois walked over, opened the door, and held it for her.
“Thank you so much! I wasn’t sure how I was going to get out of here on my own,” the woman said, smiling at Lois.
“You’re welcome,” Lois replied, hesitantly smiling back. “You do have your hands full.”
“Well, have a good day! And thanks again!” the woman said.
“You too.”
Lois wasn’t sure why, but the exchange had touched her. Was this why Clark was so willing to do little things for others? The simple joy of helping a fellow human being? He cared about others. She cared about her career—and Clark cared about his career too—but Clark cared about a lot more than just his career. She would have to think about it some more and maybe experiment.
**********
Clark finished dealing with the freeway accident and interrupted three muggings before returning to the Planet. He didn’t bother stopping for lunch. Now that his powers were back, he didn’t have to eat, and he found himself too stressed to want to eat most of the time. He still wasn’t sure what to make of Lois's behavior today. She’d said that she didn’t want anything from him, but she’d sure acted like it. Maybe she’d ask for whatever it was later today or tomorrow. It drove him crazy when she tried to butter him up—partly because he so desperately wanted her to act that way normally and partly because she believed he wouldn’t help her out unless she manipulated him into it. He didn’t know what he’d done to make her think that about him. Although, maybe it said more about her than about him. Anyway, all he could do was wait for her to make her move.
Lois was already at her desk when he exited the stairwell. He quietly walked to his desk, noting that she’d swapped piles with him. Without a word, he began reading through the pile she’d had.
Before long, Lois walked over to him. “Have a nice lunch, Clark?” she asked.
Clark raised an eyebrow. “Fine. Did you find anything in your pile?”
“Hints. That’s about it. I noticed she had quite the import/export business. I wonder if there’s something there. And what about earlier this year when the Carlin building got bombed because Lex was testing Superman? Think there’s a connection?”
Clark tapped his pencil to his chin. “You might be right. I remember reading something about the Carlin building when we investigated the bombing. Wasn’t it held by”—he closed his eyes, trying to picture the name on the paperwork he’d looked at almost a year earlier—“Sasho Corp?”
“Yeah. Wasn’t there something about them in one of those folders?”
“Not in anything I’ve looked at.”
Lois dug through the pile. “I think it was in”—she held up a folder—“this one.”
“Hmm. Why would Luthor bomb one of Dr. Carlin’s buildings, if it was hers? Unless they had a messy divorce or she was in on it too—like with the Daily Planet: they bombed the building, and then collected the insurance on it.”
“And since it was their building in the first place, it would have been easy to set up the separate surveillance system, and they could bury the investigation on the bombing,” Lois finished.
Clark nodded. “That sounds about right. So maybe we should find out how much the building was insured for.”
“Jimmy!” Lois called.
Jimmy came rushing over. “What’s up guys?”
“Find out anything you can about the Carlin building—especially how much it was insured for and who got the insurance money after it got bombed,” Lois ordered.
“We already know that it was Sasho Corp that owned at least part of it—I remember that from when it was bombed, but check if anyone else was listed as part owner,” Clark added.
“Sure, guys,” Jimmy said.
“Thanks, Jimmy. You’re the best,” Lois said.
Jimmy looked like he wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. “Um, you’re welcome?”
Clark gave him a small smile. “We really do appreciate it.” After Jimmy walked away, Clark turned back to Lois. “Have you talked to Bobby about Dr. Carlin?” he asked.
Lois shook her head. “Nope, but it’s on my list for this afternoon. You coming along?”
“Yeah.”
“Anyone else you think we should talk to?” Lois asked, sitting down on the edge of Clark’s desk. She figured she might as well make it clear from her body language that she was going to stick around and listen.
Clark shrugged. “Henderson, of course. Figured we would both put the word out to our regular contacts that we’re looking for information about Dr. Carlin. Have you asked your contacts about Luthor’s body?”
“Not recently. Why?”
“It just seems like the ex-Mrs. Luthor might know something about it and with her in jail now, maybe something will turn up.”
“She did tell me yesterday that Lex was the ‘love of her life.’ That was actually why she wanted to destroy my life—since I supposedly drove Lex to his death.” Lois rolled her eyes. “Obviously, the woman didn’t understand that Lex threw himself off a building.”
“I guess we all have a blind spot when it comes to the people we love,” Clark said quietly.
Lois's hastily indrawn breath was easily audible to both of them.
“I didn’t mean it that way, Lois,” Clark said quickly. “I just meant that—never mind.” He sighed. “What time does Bobby want to meet, and what are we supposed to bring?”
“3 p.m. and Greek.”
Clark glanced at his watch. “Want me to run pick something up and meet you there? I assume we’re meeting at the regular spot?”
“That would be great. Yeah, regular spot. Thanks, Clark.”
After Clark left, Lois found herself sitting at her desk simply staring at the papers in front of her. She couldn’t seem to make her brain register anything her eyes were seeing. A blind spot for the people we love…. Did Clark really think that she’d loved Lex? Is that what he’d been referring to? Or had he just been talking about Dr. Carlin? She shook her head. Given the tension between them, there was no way she was going to ask.
**********
Clark heaved a sigh of relief as he took off from the Planet’s roof and flew towards Greece. Between his own conflicted emotions and her hurt over the whole Luthor fiasco, being around Lois felt like navigating a minefield these days. Two very broken people didn’t make for a good mix. He was just thankful that she hadn’t pressed him on the whole “we have a blind spot for the people we love” thing. He’d really just been thinking of Dr. Carlin when he’d said it, but then he’d realized that she might have thought he was trying to get in a dig over Luthor; and then there were days when he felt like screaming his frustration to the heavens over her blindness towards him. She still loved Superman. It had been so evident in the way she’d looked at him. She was still in love with a spandex Suit made by his mother. Not the man underneath. Not her best friend. A Suit, some flashy superpowers, and the pedestal she’d put him on. He shivered. The one woman he’d ever fallen in love with, and she couldn’t see him. Fate had a brutal sense of irony.
**********
Lois was waiting for him when he walked up to her Jeep. He’d been careful to land in a deserted alley a few blocks from their meeting place and walk the rest of the way. Unless he wanted to deal with the headache he’d get from turning his super-hearing on continuously, Bobby could sneak up on even him. He carefully knocked on the passenger-side window and then got in.
“Hey,” he said awkwardly.
“Hey.”
“So did you find anything else after I left?”
“Not really.”
They sat in silence for a few moments, then Bobby sat up in the backseat.
Lois gasped. “Why do you always have to do that?” she demanded.
“I heard things were rough between you two, but I really thought after this morning, it wouldn’t be nearly this bad,” Bobby said with a smirk. “Did you get him the wrong coffee or somethin’?” he asked Lois.
Lois frowned at him.
Clark turned to sit sideways in his seat. “Nice to see you too. So, what do you know about Arianna Carlin?”
“What’d you bring me?”
Lois rolled her eyes. “It’s Greek food.”
Bobby returned her eye roll exaggeratedly. “Thanks. I can tell that from the way it smells.”
“I picked up some gyros, a salad, baklava, and a coke,” Clark said, handing the shopping bag full of food back to Bobby.
Bobby rooted around in the bag and began picking at a gyro, his face filling with ecstasy. “Well, for this I’ll tell you that the chick used to be married to Lex Luthor. Even after they split she was his partner in some of his not-so-legitimate businesses. Oh, and she’s been seen a lot with his doctor in the past couple months.”
Clark’s eyes narrowed thoughtfully. “Bobby, have you heard anything about Luthor’s body?”
“Not exactly. I did hear a rumor that last night some guys moved some equipment with what looked like a body in a glass coffin—like the guy inside was Sleeping Beauty or somethin’—but I couldn’t tell you who they were or who the body was or where they took it. Could be Luthor. You want me to check into it?”
“Definitely,” Lois said.
“All right. Well, good luck you guys. I’d hate to see you stop workin’ together,” Bobby said and got out of the car.
**********
“So what do you think?” Clark asked Lois on their way back to the Planet.
“I think I want some baklava now,” she said with a pout in her voice.
“Besides that.”
“What kind of glass coffin would that be?”
“I have no idea,” Clark replied. “I mean, I’ve heard of cryogenics, but I’m not sure if they’d actually be able to revive Luthor—if that was him in the coffin. But, this is Luthor. I’m pretty sure he was behind the Superman clone. And if Mrs. Luthor’s been seen with his doctor….”
“Yeah.” Lois shuddered. “I can’t believe he might be alive. Dr. Carlin did seem almost—obsessed with Lex. I wouldn’t put it past her to try to save him, assuming such a thing is possible.”
Clark thought about asking her how she felt about that. After all, if Luthor hadn’t killed himself, she would have been married to the man. “Do you know his doctor’s name?” he asked instead.
“Um, I think it started with a K. Kenny, Keane, Kelly, maybe? We can get Jimmy to look into it when we get back.”
“All right. So what else do you want to get done tonight? Finish looking through the files?”
“Yeah, and maybe put the word out to our contacts.”
**********
It was late by the time they were done reading through their respective folders and still they’d only found hints. That morning Clark had realized that their inability to work together was hampering the investigation. Not going through the files together had slowed things down, but that didn’t mean he had any idea what to do about it. Talk to her, his mother’s advice echoed through his brain. He suppressed a snort. Right. Just talk to Lois Lane. What exactly was his mother expecting him to say? He’d given and given and given over the course of their past arguments, but they’d finally reached a point where Lois had to give some ground, and that was as likely to happen as for a pig to fly. He suddenly imagined himself flying a pig across the city, and wondered how many people would be forced to do things they’d sworn never to do. The corners of his mouth quirked up. His whole life might have fallen apart, but at least he still had his sense of humor, right?
He glanced up at Lois. She was still in the process of finishing off e-mails. The gulf between their desks seemed unbridgeable. He didn’t even know what he’d have to hear in order to want to bridge it, let alone what kind of words could bridge over his declaration of love and her rejection, or her lack of trust in him, or her choosing Superman over him, or the fact that she’d told Superman she’d love him even if he were an ordinary man living an ordinary life, or the fact that she’d chosen Luthor over him. There was so much between them. There were days when he felt like the silence between them crackled so loudly it was a wonder even his super-hearing could break through it.
Lois's voice cut through his musings. “Can I give you a ride home?” she asked.
This time Clark did look at her like she had two heads. “No, thanks, Lois. I’ve got some errands to run on my way home.”
“All right, well, have a good night,” she said, her smile looking forced.
He put his chin in his hand, resting his elbow on his desk. What exactly was she up to? He shook his head. Maybe she’d tell him what she wanted tomorrow.
**********
When she got home, Lois ordered take-out from Mr. Singh’s and pulled out her personal investigation notes. Time to discover another of her secrets. She read over her lists again. Maybe she needed to come at this from a different angle. Instead of trying to figure out every single thing the guys in her life had in common, she should figure out what the commonalities she’d already found said about her. Power and position had been something that had come up. Why was she attracted to men with power and position? What was it about her that wanted that?
She stood up and began pacing. She couldn’t be shallow enough to like men simply for that—could she? No, that didn’t make sense. It wasn’t like she went out of her way to find men who had power and position. She just wanted someone she could respect, someone who wasn’t a slacker, someone successful at life.
“Let’s see. Was Lex actually successful?" she asked herself. "I mean, he was great at what he did, but he was a crime lord. And he was very successful at deception. Maybe it’s not success that’s the key. Or maybe I should be thinking about how he appeared rather than how he was.”
She paused in her pacing, staring hard at the window in front of her. What had been her first impression of Lex? A wealthy businessman who avoided talking to the press, but was willing to make an exception for her—even though he’d never truly made that exception since he’d slithered his way out of the interview. He’d made her feel quite special. She resumed her pacing. Maybe that was it. She’d felt treasured. Superman treated her the same way. She remembered the time he’d burst into the vault at the Metropolis Gold Repository and carried her out, cradled in his arms. He’d been shaking slightly, as though terrified of losing her. And there was that sense of connection that she couldn’t quite explain, but had felt from the moment she’d first flown with him.
“What about Claude?” Claude had definitely made her feel special. He’d wined and dined her. The fact that the Planet’s top reporter, who also happened to be foreign with a very attractive accent, was taking notice of her, despite her youth and inexperience, had felt wonderful. Her stomach roiled just remembering how naïve she’d been. She’d taken his interest in her work as approval and interest in her, instead of realizing that he was stealing her story. Just the fact that she’d let a man like that near her once again made her desperate for a shower. She shuddered, trying to drive Claude’s essence out of her brain.
“So Paul,” she said resolutely. “Paul was so handsome. And I did feel special having the editor pay attention to me—not that it was actually special since Paul spread his favors around all the time.”
Lois slumped down on her poorly shaped couch. Sifting through the rubble left by one disastrous relationship after another was far more difficult than she’d expected. Paul had broken her heart. Claude had broken her heart. Lex had taken her self-respect. She’d always been furious at Linda for stealing Paul, but it hadn’t been entirely Linda’s fault. Clark would be faithful to whatever woman he ended up with—he wouldn’t let himself be stolen. Likewise with Superman, if he ever decided to have a relationship. Paul and Claude and Lex and her father all chose to be men who could be tempted.
She frowned. Each of those men were good at making a woman feel wooed, but none of them were actually men who would stick around. Why was that? Maybe there was something to the whole practice makes perfect thing. Clark was attractive, but he’d never gone out of his way to pursue her. He’d just announced that he was in love with her. Superman hadn’t set out to attract her at all. He'd rejected her declaration of love. Their connection, or whatever it was, seemed to be completely separate from either of their actions.
Where did that leave her? She looked down at her papers again. What was it about her that made her end up with men who were powerful, but unwilling to commit to one woman? She started back at the top of the list, her eyes lingering on her father’s name. Sam Lane. He’d never made her feel special—quite the opposite in fact. She’d spent most of her life trying to gain his approval until they’d had a fight in high school and hadn’t really spoken until that business with his cyborg boxers. She’d always thought that he’d have to admit she’d succeeded once she’d proven herself as a reporter—that she’d been right to go into journalism instead of medicine. But that had been a ridiculous hope. Her father would never be proud of her because she could never be the son he’d wanted. It was an impossibility. She shook her head as though she could shake the thought away and doggedly returned to her list. Her father was evidently good at making other women feel special—at least she assumed he was since he’d had more affairs than she could count. And he’d been in a position of power over her.
She walked over to the freezer and got out some ice cream. Pretend it was Lucy’s life. Lucy dated all the same type of guys too—even if they were a different variety than Lois’s type. It was like she had the same relationship over and over, just with a different body on the other end. She was fairly certain Lucy only dated guys who were incapable fidelity. Was that her? Dating her father over and over again?
“Am I somehow re-creating that relationship? Or trying to prove to my father that I can date successful guys?” she asked herself.
A sudden memory flashed through her mind—her father making a sarcastic comment to her mother about their daughters’ love lives and how it would be a miracle if they found anyone worthwhile who wanted them.
Unwanted.
Her breath caught in her throat, and she almost choked on her ice cream. That was the reality of her childhood. Unwanted by her father because she wasn’t a son and could never live up to his exacting standards. Unwanted by her mother because children were an inconvenience to her alcoholism. Lucy wanted her—but that was because Lucy needed someone to take care of her, not because she wanted Lois for herself. She collapsed against the counter. She’d thought she’d dealt with all this years ago. She’d shut her parents out of her life and set her own course. The tide of emotion rising in her chest and threatening to overwhelm her said otherwise.
No wonder she was perpetually attracted to men who were seemingly successful. If she married someone like that, if someone like that wanted her, she’d be disproving her father’s statement and his whole attitude towards her. She’d prove that she was lovable.
A knock at her door jerked her out of her reverie. She stowed the ice cream back in the freezer and ran her fingers under her eyes to make sure no tears had leaked out. A glance through the peephole showed Mr. Singh’s delivery boy. It had taken them long enough.
