Ambivalence
Rated T
A/N: Thanks to KenJ for beta-ing this chapter.
**********
After picking at his dinner and performing a sedate patrol of the city, Clark turned his flight path towards Lois's apartment. He’d been procrastinating, and he knew it. Lois had been in danger once again today. She hadn’t been kidnapped or attacked since the Luthor fiasco. He’d almost forgotten how his stomach tied in knots whenever he went to her rescue. And now, Superman had to pick up the Kryptonite bullet from Lois, and he owed her a huge thank you, but he still wasn’t sure how to handle what would most likely be an awkward meeting. He’d managed to get a hold of his frustration, but then he’d remembered that this would be the first time Superman would really talk to Lois since she’d almost married Luthor. He could see her window now. The window. The last time Superman had entered that window Lois had been wearing a satiny blue nightgown. His jaw tightened. Lois had been dressed for seduction—as though she could force Superman to love her, or to confess his love for her—even though she’d rejected Clark’s declaration of love mere hours before.
Clark felt his chest grow tight, despite his invulnerability. Lois had always been able to affect him, make him breathless, make him sweat, make him lose control. She was like Kryptonite. He didn’t know why he put himself through this, why he couldn’t just leave her and never look back. How could she have been such a tease? How could she have dressed in that, that thing, for Superman? Clark let out a ragged breath. How could she be so beautiful, but only for other men? For Superman and then for Luthor. Never for Clark.
He paused midair and concentrated on regulating his breathing and slowing his racing heart. Lois had saved his life today. Superman should be grateful. He was grateful. Lois had been a good friend to Superman. Strange that it felt more like rubbing salt in a wound than being saved. He’d written their story from both their perspectives as far as the night of her declaration of love, but he’d gotten stuck trying to write that section from Lois's perspective. He still didn’t understand what exactly it was about Superman that she loved—at least if you got rid of the powers and flashy suit. She’d said that she would love him even if he was just an ordinary man living an ordinary life, and he believed she’d meant it. What was it that she saw in Superman that she didn’t see in Clark? He had no idea. And he wasn’t sure what the best way to get that information from her was. Should he ask her as Clark? Should he ask her as Superman?
Tonight Superman needed to mend his bridge, or burn it. But which did he want to do?
Lois had been pretty wonderful to Superman today, digging that bullet out, disposing of the Kryptonite. He stared up at the stars, thinking hard. Journaling had made him realize that maybe he was being unfair to her. Lois didn’t know that he was Superman. Maybe, just maybe, it was time for Superman to be a friend to her. He hadn’t been much of a friend, he realized. He’d been so cautious of destroying his chances as Clark, that he’d been careful to keep their interactions to a minimum. Lois was definitely pouring more into their relationship than he was. His lips curled in a wry smile. Lois was putting all the effort into their relationship as Superman. He was putting all the effort into their relationship as Clark. The perfect phantom love triangle.
He forced himself to stop and examine that conclusion. What effort had he put into his relationship with Lois as Superman? He saved her life, but he saved everyone he could. She’d saved Superman during the heatwave and defended him regularly. It was one of those facts of life you could count on—the sun would come up tomorrow, and Lois Lane would defend Superman from any criticism she heard.
He hadn’t told her about Luthor as Superman—partly because she’d been so adamant when he’d tried to talk to her as Clark, partly because it would have hurt too much if she’d dropped Luthor on Superman’s word alone, and partly to protect her. But, if he’d really loved her, maybe he should have put his hurt and pride aside and just done it. Gone to her and told her that her boyfriend was a crime lord. He’d been terrified to put her in even more danger—what if she’d asked Luthor about Superman’s suspicions? She’d been in danger either way though, and by not telling her, he might have caused her greater pain—he was sure that her heart had been broken and her self-confidence severely shaken.
If he apologized for not telling her and for his completely unnecessary crack about her robe, it might help with the awkwardness between them, and it might show her that her hero wasn’t perfect. It might help her to see the man under the Suit. And it really was her due, considering what a good friend she’d been to Superman. He still couldn’t believe that he’d been so rude that night. Yes, one part of him had wanted to see just how far her Superman crush extended—she’d have slapped anyone else who implied they would take advantage of her, but with Superman she’d just blushed and continued on with her schpeel. Yes, his heart had been broken. Yes, she’d been unknowingly pouring gallons of salt on his broken heart. But his mother would have had his hide if she’d heard him.
Clark set his face, and Superman tapped on Lois Lane’s window.
**********
Lois held the small lead box. She shuddered. Seeing Superman, laying there, bleeding, had been terrible. Despite his rejection, despite her feelings for Clark, she still loved him, and seeing the man she loved in such pain… well, she didn’t know how she’d been able to remove the bullet with her hands shaking as badly as they had been. In the shock of the moment, that night had been forgotten. And now, he would be coming, and all the spoken and unspoken things between them would be there. She still didn’t know how she felt. He’d hurt her. Why hadn’t he been able to believe her when she’d said that she knew him and loved him for himself, not for what he could do? Was it possible that there was someone else? Or that she’d misread his attentions? And how could Superman be so venomous in his rejection? Was it her? And she’d run to Lex. Even if Superman had feelings for her before, he’d never be able to forgive her for that. From what Clark had said, Lex had been Superman’s enemy, and she had allied herself with him. She put the box down and made a circuit of her living room, half-heartedly straightening the already pristine room for the umpteenth time. This was going to be so awkward.
*tap* *tap* *tap*
Despite the fact that she’d been listening for just such a sound, Lois started. Superman was here. She walked over the window and opened it. “Superman. Come in.”
“Hi, Lois,” he said as he landed in her living room.
“Here’s the bullet. I guess that stuff really can hurt you,” she said, handing him the box, still feeling a little hurt that he’d never told her the truth about Kryptonite.
He took the box. “Apparently so.” He moved a step closer. Time to take his lumps. “Lois, thank you so much for what you did today. I would have died if you hadn’t intervened.”
Lois looked down. “Anyone would have—”
“Not anyone,” Superman said, with a wry grimace. “I can’t see Ms. Carlin sticking around to help.”
Lois gave a forced chuckle. “Fine. Any decent person. Anyway, you’ve saved my life plenty of times. I’m just glad I had a chance to repay the favor.”
“Lois, you don’t owe me for saving your life. I’m just glad that I’ve been able to get there in time thus far.”
“Me too.”
Silence fell between them. What would be the best way to bring up the topic? Clark had no idea how to proceed. Superman had never just sat down in Lois Lane’s apartment and chatted with her. They had short, usually disaster-related, conversations, and then he left. But maybe, for this, they’d both be more comfortable sitting down. At least it would signal to her that he wanted to talk the thing out.
“Well, I—” he began.
“Yeah, I guess you’d better be going then. You’re probably pretty busy,” Lois said with determined cheerfulness. Maybe she could get him out the window before things got any more awkward.
“Actually, I was going to say that I’d like to talk to you for a bit if you have time. No one needs saving right now, at least that I know of. Perhaps we could… sit down?” he finished, trying to maintain his Superman façade.
“Um, well, sure.” She walked over and sat on one of her loveseats.
Superman took a seat on the opposite loveseat. Lois couldn’t help but think how out of place he looked. Had she ever seen Superman sit? And those primary colors looked positively garish next to the subdued cream of her loveseat.
“Lois, I owe you an apology,” he said, deciding on the straightforward approach.
“Oh?”
“Actually, I owe you a couple of apologies. That night—well, I just want you to know that I have never and would never use my powers to take advantage of your privacy. I should never have made that crack about a lead-lined robe, and I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”
“I didn’t really think you would,” Lois said, blushing. “You just sounded so matter-of-fact about it. Thank you for telling me though.”
Superman took a deep breath. “I also want to apologize for not sharing my suspicions about Luthor with you. I was unsure of the best way to handle the situation, and in my confusion, I handled it badly. I’m sorry.”
Lois studied the carpet. “It’s not your fault that I let myself get taken in by such a crook. Lots of other people had suspicions as it turned out—Perry, Henderson… Clark.”
Superman hesitated, but then the words tumbled out of their own accord. “Lois, Luthor was very good at what he did. Don’t let one rotten man destroy your confidence. You’ve brought down plenty of other criminals,” he said seriously.
Lois could hardly believe how nice he was being. She chewed her lip. Maybe last time had been out of character for him. But why?
Did it matter? She was just thankful to be back on friendly terms—more than thankful, especially since she was so lonely lately. She missed Clark. She hoped that he had someone to talk to. A thought hit her: maybe that was why Superman had been so angry that night—maybe Clark had told Superman how he’d declared his love to her, and she’d rejected him. Maybe Superman was just angry on his friend’s behalf? But then why would that affect whether he believed her?
“Thanks, Superman. Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?”
“No.” He stood. “Thank you again for rescuing me. You’ve been a great friend to me, and I really appreciate it.”
She stood too. “Um, Superman… you’re welcome.”
He knew the signs. There was something else she was trying to decide if she wanted to talk to him about. Did he stick around and wait for her to make up her mind? Did he even want to hear whatever she wanted to say? He could just fly off. It might be better for both of them. “Was there something else you wanted to talk about?” The words left his mouth before he could drag them back. Mentally, he smacked himself in the face.
“I don’t really know. Oh, did Clark tell you that we’ve been investigating Luthor?” She sat back down.
Superman sat down, sighing inwardly. He hated using “Clark told me….” Oh well. “I was aware of that, yes.”
“I think we’ve pretty much finished our series on him, but I thought I’d see if you knew of any of Lex’s activities that we missed. Do you have anything you think we should be looking into?”
“I think Clark is aware of everything I’d be able to suggest.”
“Oh. I see,” she said.
Clark could see the hurt in her eyes. Was it really such a big deal to repeat himself if it made her feel better?
Yes! It is! Why can’t she just accept that I know what I’m talking about? Why does “Superman” have to tell her for something to be true? a part of him demanded.
Maybe she’s just trying to fix things by showing she’s willing to listen to someone about Luthor. She doesn’t know that you’re Superman. Just give her the benefit of the doubt, he coached himself.
I’m tired of giving her the benefit of the doubt! that agonized part of his soul replied.
He could feel the coldness spreading through his veins. He needed to get away from her before he lost control and lashed out again. She had just saved his life. She was Superman’s friend, and nothing in her relationship with Superman would let her realize how much she’d hurt him. That was the real problem. The hurts she’d inflicted had been to Clark and to him, the man who was both Clark and Superman. If he wasn’t Clark, it wouldn’t have ripped his soul to shreds when she’d said that she would love Superman even if he were an ordinary man. So, keep things light. Remember you’ll have to fix whatever damage you cause now if you ever tell her that you’re Superman. Right.
“I’m sure you’re both doing a fine job,” he tried again. “If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know.”
“I already asked if you had suggestions,” Lois said, a slight edge to her voice.
Clark gritted his teeth, then forced himself to reply politely. “Do you have a copy of your notes I can look at? It’ll be faster than me telling you anything you already know.”
“Sure. Just a minute.” Lois took out a pile of papers that Clark was already very, very familiar with and handed them to him.
Clark flipped through them at super-speed. No point in wasting time. “I don’t see anything in particular that you’re missing. I’ll think about it some more and get back to you if anything comes to mind.”
“I see. Superman, can I ask you something?” Lois asked as another thing she’d been wondering about came to mind.
What did she want to ask? Clark wasn’t sure if he could hold onto his hurt or his temper for much longer. “On the record or off the record?” he asked in a cool tone.
“Um, I’d really like this just to be a conversation between friends. We are, aren’t we?” Lois asked, her heart pounding.
Clark sighed inwardly. “Yes, Lois. You’ve been a very good friend to me,” he said, mentally substituting “Superman” for “me.” “What did you want to ask?”
“Why didn’t you save Lex? I mean, not that I’m sorry that you didn’t. I wouldn’t wish death on anyone, but the more I find out about Lex”—she shuddered—“I think I’m glad he’s not alive to come after me. But… well, you didn’t announce that you were leaving until after he died—unless of course you left before Clark printed that interview—and it just seems out of character for you, and ever since my double brought it up, I’ve been wondering about it.”
“Lois, I would have saved him if I could have,” Superman said.
“So you couldn’t save him? But why not? Once I started wondering, I looked, and there are no records of you helping out somewhere else. Had you already left for wherever you went?”
Clark sighed. How much should he tell her? He needed to tell her the truth about where he’d been before her wedding someday, but was that day today? She’d kept the information about Kryptonite out of her article on Dr. Carlin. She’d proven herself a good friend to Superman.
But not to Clark.
Regardless, she’d been a good friend to Superman, and Superman was the one in her apartment right now. He’d barely managed to tell his parents about it and had refused to give them details—how could he tell Lois? But if he just said he didn’t want to talk about it, he’d hurt her more, again. Maybe the bare bones would satisfy her? What was he thinking? This was Lois Lane. She’d ask until she had an answer that she liked. Could he tell her without hurting her? Tell her and hurt her. Not tell her and hurt her.
“Lois, it’s not something that’s easy for me to talk about, and it’s probably not something that would be easy for you to hear. Are you sure you want to know?” Clark asked, then cursed himself as he realized that he’d just guaranteed he’d be talking to Mad Dog Lane.
“You don’t think I can handle it? Well, listen here, Superman, you may be, well, you, but that doesn’t give you the right to—”
“That’s not what I meant,” Clark cut in. “Lois, I know that I’ve hurt you, and I know that Luthor hurt you, and I don’t want to add to that pain. That’s what I meant.”
“Oh. Well.” Lois thought for a moment. Did she want anything new to deal with right now? But if he didn’t tell her, she’d just be waiting for the other shoe to drop. “I think it’s like a band-aid. Just rip it off. Otherwise, I’ll just be wondering what it is that I don’t know,” she finally said.
“All right.” Clark knew he was going to have to tell her, but he didn’t think he could look her in the eye while he was doing it. He couldn’t bear to see her concern for Superman, even if it did mean that she at least cared about one part of him. He stood and walked over to stare out one of her windows. “Luthor had Kryptonite. He—held me prisoner for a couple of days, and by the time I’d finally escaped, I didn’t have any of my powers. If I could have saved Luthor, I would have.” Just thinking about it brought back the cold sweat of his green-hazed nightmares.
“Oh, Superman,” Lois breathed. She moved to stand next to him. Something about his posture seemed forbidding, and she didn’t think he’d take it well if she touched him, but she just wanted to be close, to comfort him with her presence. She’d never imagined something like this. Clark had been right when he’d told her that Lex was a monster. Her eyes filled with tears, and she blinked them back.
Clark’s eyes slid closed. How could concern feel so much like a knife?
“Are you okay now? I mean you seem okay, but, are you?” Lois asked.
“Yes, my powers are back,” Superman said evenly. “Thank you again for taking care of the Kryptonite today and for not putting it in your article.”
“I couldn’t let information like that get out—at least, I guess it must be somewhat out, but not any more out than it already is. The world needs you. The fewer people who know that there’s something out there that can hurt you, the better.”
The world needs Superman. He cut that line of thought off before it had time to grow into full-fledged bitterness. “I agree,” he said quietly, still looking out the window.
“You haven’t told anyone where you went yet—” Her eyes widened. “Did you even go anywhere, or were you just recovering all this time?”
“I’m afraid I can’t tell you where I went for the safety of others involved.”
“I would have helped you, Superman. If you ever need help, you can always come to me.”
“I know,” he said shortly. He wasn’t sure what else to say or even if he could make himself say anything constructive. It was common knowledge that Lois would always go out of her way to help Superman. He wished she was half that dedicated to Clark. Plus, that common knowledge put both of them in danger; only today she’d been used to lure him into a trap, in part because she was too closely associated with Superman. Better to play down that connection, and, in fact, maybe he needed to talk to her about distancing themselves.
Lois looked at Superman. From where she stood, his face was in shadow. Something was definitely—off. He wasn’t the same man she’d known months ago—the man she’d fallen in love with—nor was he the man from that night. The sense of connection was as strong as ever, but something had happened between them. She knew her declaration of love was part of the problem, though neither of them had spoken of it. She still wanted to know why he’d been so angry that night, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to bring it up. She just wanted to get back to no more awkwardness between them; dropping both that night and where he’d been in his absence would be more likely to accomplish it.
“Lois, I was just thinking,” Superman said, a touch of hesitancy in his manner. “Today you were kidnapped, in part to get to me. Maybe it’s time we distanced ourselves a bit more, at least publicly.”
Lois frowned. “Distance ourselves more? What do you mean by that?” She had no idea what they’d have left if he distanced himself from her publicly—they hardly ever saw each other privately. Rescues, she guessed.
Superman turned to look at her. “Honestly, I’m not sure what it would entail. I just know that I care about you, and I don’t want to put you in the position of having criminals come after you to get at me.”
“Superman, criminals already come after me, often.”
“I realize that your stories frequently have that result. However, I also know that the perception is that you and I are close, and therefore, criminals can use you to attack me.”
Lois looked down. She knew he was right, but she refused to admit it. Besides, it wasn’t like she couldn’t take care of herself. She inhaled sharply as a sudden thought hit her. Look at everything with Lex. She couldn’t take care of herself. Had Lex used her to capture Superman? It wouldn’t surprise her. And that would mean that today was the second time Superman had almost died because of her. Just like the rest of her friends, she was ruining his life. She slumped. “Fine. You’re right. What do you want to do?”
Superman started. Lois Lane admitting someone else was right? He’d guessed that a lot of her brash manner of late stemmed from losing some of her confidence in the Luthor fiasco, but this was ridiculous. She was barely even Lois Lane right now. How could he have missed how badly she was doing?
Because he’d been too wrapped up in how badly he was doing.
Right. So did he try to be a friend to her right now? Did he try to get her to talk about it? Did he want to? No. But she was hurting. He closed his eyes and tamped down his own hurt and anger. He opened his eyes. “Lois, are you all right?” he asked, trying to infuse concern into the question and leave out everything else; he still ended up sounding almost wooden.
Lois snorted. She’d almost married the greatest unhung criminal in the US and managed to lose her best friend in the process. Why wouldn’t she be all right? she thought sarcastically. “I’m fine, Superman. Why?”
“You’ve been through a lot recently.” Clark paused, trying to think of what he could say without letting his bitterness out. He didn’t think he could reassure her that she was the best investigative reporter in Metropolis right now. Maybe there wasn’t anything he could say. He shook his head. “I don’t know the best way to proceed as far as taking the attention off you—other than giving you fewer exclusives. Unfortunately, you’ll always be known as the reporter who got the first exclusive and who kissed Superman before Nightfall. And, of course, I do rescue you quite often—but that has nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with the nature of your job. Do you have any ideas?”
“Not really…. Can I think about it and get back to you?”
“Sure. You know how to reach me.”
“Yell ‘Help, Superman’?” she said sardonically, thinking she’d be more likely to do that these days than ask Clark to get him a message.
“That works,” Superman said. He still couldn’t decide how to find out what exactly Lois thought she saw in Superman, but the thought of asking her point-blank was far from appealing. Maybe Superman should just leave, and Clark could go back to trying to fathom his partner’s thought processes on his own. He wasn’t sure if he could bear to talk about it or hear about it in either guise. He shook himself slightly, shutting down those lines of thought. Thinking about any of that in Lois's presence was a sure way to end up lashing out at her. “Thanks again. I should probably go finish my patrol now.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you around.” Lois held her curtains open, trying to portray the friendly, collected hostess.
“I’m sure you will,” Clark agreed, positive his partner would find herself in some life-and-death situation before long. He gave a little wave, then took off out the window.
**********
Lois closed her window and sank to the couch. Distance herself from Superman? Did everyone in her life hate her for being taken in by Lex? She’d never thought she had the perfect life before, but now she longed for the days before—back when Clark had been her best friend, before the Planet had been bombed, back when she’d been in love with Superman and he’d seemed attracted to her, back when the thrill of the investigation was what she lived for, when she’d had the respect of her colleagues in the news business and she’d been the top investigative reporter in Metropolis. Some days she felt like Lex had managed to destroy her life completely.
No, not Lex. She’d done that all on her own. How had she been taken in by him? She found herself asking that question over and over, but never coming any closer to an answer. Asking the question hadn’t done anything, and, after encountering Dr. Carlin, she didn’t think she could stomach talking to Dr. Friskin right now. What could she do? She’d used her skills as an investigative reporter to ferret out Lex’s secrets after the fact. Maybe she could use those same skills to come to some sort of understanding of her own secrets—the ones she kept even from herself. She stared thoughtfully at the window. Superman seemed to believe in her investigative abilities. What if she thought of this as just one more investigation? She could pretend that she was figuring out someone else’s life. She fingered the hem of her shirt. How would she begin that sort of investigation? Like any other. Collect the pieces and then start putting them together. Resolutely, she grabbed her satchel and found a pad of paper. It couldn’t hurt, and it might help. At this point, she was willing to try almost anything.
**********
Three hours later, her coffee table was littered with lists. She’d decided to work from a big picture perspective, so she’d started with a list of all the romantic relationships in her history—Paul, Claude, Lex, Superman, and, upon reflection, she’d added Clark. She’d also decided to include her father since he’d set the tone for her relationships with men. She’d made a list of all the things that had attracted her to them and all the ways they’d failed her.
Paul, Claude, and Lex had all been womanizers, just like her father. In the midst of each relationship, she’d thought the man would be faithful to her once he’d professed his love, but none of them had. Paul had moved on to Linda before Lois had even really begun a relationship with him, and she’d later heard that he’d slept with a succession of other girls even while Lois had been trying to get his attention. Claude also had a reputation as a ladies’ man, and she’d seen firsthand the number of women he went through during his stint at the Planet. She’d discovered that Lex had been sleeping with Mrs. Cox during their engagement period, and had evidently had relationships with Dr. Baines and Miranda. Who knew how many other women he’d been with just in the period she’d known him? And as far as Superman went, she’d never seen or heard of him involved with anyone.
Clark had women chasing him left and right. However, other than the kiss with Toni Taylor, Lois had never seen him involved with anyone. There had been that incident with Cat right after he’d begun working at the Planet, but Clark had steadfastly denied that anything had happened. At the time, she’d been skeptical, but now, with the benefit of a year’s association, she didn’t think Clark would lie about something like that. Although he had lied about Superman’s globe. Well, technically, he’d just not told her about it. He hadn’t flat out lied. So maybe she could believe him about Cat. And despite trying to dig up dirt on him while they’d been in Smallville, only two girls had surfaced—Rachel Harris, whom he’d taken to the prom as a last minute replacement date, and Lana, the girl who’d broken up with him just before prom. Clark was a nice guy. She wasn’t sure why he was still single.
She shook her head, forcing her mind back to the other men on her list. Claude had used her to steal her story. Her father had never used her. In fact, he’d never had a use for her since the day she’d been born a girl, rather than the son he’d always wanted. She’d spent the first fifteen years of her life trying to gain his approval, but then realized it was a complete waste of time. If she never again heard him tell her what she was doing wrong, it’d be too soon for her. Lex hadn’t been verbally critical. In fact, on the face of things, he’d seemed very supportive—telling her that she was attractive, talented, etc., etc. She still hadn’t figured out why he’d wanted her. Had Miranda sprayed him with the one hundred percent pheromone? It didn’t seem likely since he’d never reverted to the soppy, poetry-spouting, worshipful attitude he’d had right after the incident, but he’d definitely stepped up his pursuit of her after that point. She looked back down at her lists. Superman. Lex had tried to kill him on her wedding day. Had that been the source of her value? After all, Lex had seen Superman declare his love for her under the influence of the pheromone. She grimaced. It would be a blow to her ego if she’d just been yet another battle in Lex’s war on Superman. Lex couldn’t have known that he’d only won her hand after Superman had rejected her. Superman had never used her and neither had Clark, but that was a result of their character qualities—their strong respect for people.
She’d also made some lists of the character qualities she’d noticed Lucy preferred in her relationships, figuring there must be some commonalities, and it was easier to see Lucy’s hang-ups. The guys she picked were all losers—often jobless, always lazy, always looking for a quick buck, often with a rap sheet, always physically attractive, but with little substance; Ken dolls the lot of them. None of the men Lois had dated were lazy in any way. Paul worked hard at the paper. Claude—well, actually, come to think of it, Claude was pretty lazy. Why else would he have stolen her story? Lex had worked hard to run his criminal empire. Clark worked hard at the Planet, despite his frequent disappearances. Superman worked hard all the time, pouring himself into helping everyone he could. All the men on her list were physically attractive, and sadly, Clark and Superman were the only ones with any real substance. The others had been simply out to get whatever they could for themselves. She’d thought Lex had substance, but that had only been because he’d fooled her into believing his own press. And unfortunately, she’d thought the same thing about Paul and Claude until she’d gotten to know them. It was like she turned off her investigative radar whenever she decided to let someone into her life.
She glanced back down at the lists, noting that there was one common denominator between everyone but Clark: power. Paul had been the editor at the college newspaper where she’d worked as a reporter. Claude had been the Planet’s “star reporter” (she had no idea how he could have gotten such a title given his mediocre writing) and she had been a lowly researcher at the time. Lex had been the third richest man in the world and definitely the most powerful man in Metropolis, at least until Superman had come onto the scene. She’d thought both Lex and Superman had used their considerable power and influence for good, which had definitely attracted her—especially after seeing Paul and Claude use their power for their own self-interest.
Both Lex and Superman could have had any woman in the world they wanted. In hindsight, it was ludicrous to think that they would choose a reporter, even if she had been the best investigative reporter in Metropolis by a wide margin. Thinking about that fact, she felt a tingle go down her spine—the kind of tingle that meant she was on to something. But what? Her breath chuffed out in frustration. Maybe if she came at it from a different angle.
Why had she rejected Clark? He was the oddball on this list, just a generally nice guy who was gorgeous, had a good sense of humor, comforted her whenever he was nearby—or had comforted her before their friendship had fallen apart—and maintained his small town values even in a city as big as Metropolis.
She’d told him from the get-go not to fall for her. Why? She tried to remember what she’d been thinking back then. She’d seen the admiration in his eyes, and her response had been automatic. She didn’t have time for a relationship. Yet she’d gone on to fall for Superman and to date Lex—not even all that long after she’d warned Clark off. Why? Part of it had definitely been his similarities with Claude. Oh, not similarities of character, but simply the fact that he was an attractive coworker. She couldn’t afford to get involved with anyone at work again, especially not a reporter who could be competition, and once she’d gotten to know him and begun to enjoy having him as her partner, she couldn’t afford to lose that. If she’d been so daft as to begin a romantic relationship with him, she’d have lost her partner when it all blew up.
But that still didn’t explain why she’d turned him down after the Planet had been destroyed. Habit, maybe? She winced, remembering how she’d asked him to contact Superman for her right after turning him down. And she’d turned to Lex instead of back to Clark when Superman had rejected her. And Clark had known what kind of person Lex had been. No wonder he was barely talking to her these days. Pain lanced through her chest as she realized that she’d been too afraid of losing Clark’s friendship forever to take a risk on a romantic relationship with him, and she’d lost it anyway. At her wedding she’d been able to admit that deep down she’d wanted a life with Clark, and now they barely spoke.
What she needed was a strategy. She was willing to let go of having a romantic relationship with him in favor of just regaining his friendship. But Clark seemed to have shut the door on any sort of relationship with her, other than a professional one.
She slumped against the couch. Who was she kidding? She had no idea how to even formulate that kind of strategy. She’d never pursued anyone’s friendship. And the only times she’d pursued a guy romantically had ended up in disaster.
A thought whispered through her brain: Clark had done it. Coaxed his way in, pursued her until he’d gained her friendship. How had he done it? What exactly had he done? A thousand little things that all added up to her trusting him: coffee fixed perfectly every morning, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, those comforting hugs, that dazzling smile of his, his good-natured teasing, his ability to stand up to her without belittling her, their ease of working together and how their styles complemented each other, all those stories they’d worked on together and not once had Clark tried to further his career at the expense of hers, the way he seemed to enjoy her, to accept her for who she was, the way he’d been a perfect gentleman when she’d been high on pheromones and desperately chasing him. She still didn’t understand that last one, especially in light of his confession of love. How had he managed to resist? Her brow furrowed. He’d said he wasn’t attracted to her but that was patently false. Oh well. At least Clark had never told anyone about that embarrassing period. In fact, Clark had never given away anything she’d said in confidence to him. He was just an all around good friend. Even just yesterday he’d taken her out for chocolate ice cream when she’d been upset over Lex’s ex-wife. Clark knew her. So where did that leave her?
She didn’t know how he took his newsroom coffee—other than that he put some ungodly amount of cream and sugar in it. He’d never really shared confidences with her. She hadn’t ever asked or made herself available to listen. She’d noticed occasionally when he seemed down, but Clark never stayed upset for long, so she’d never asked what was wrong. And when he’d been devastated over his apartment robbery, she’d used his pain as a springboard for her story. What kind of friend was she? Why would Clark trust her in the first place?
She thought back, trying to figure out how she’d become the kind of person who was incapable of being a good friend. Asking people about their problems led to lengthy conversations she didn’t have time to listen to—at least not if she wanted to stay the best investigative reporter in Metropolis. Moreover, she was uncomfortable with people’s problems. Heck, she was uncomfortable with her own problems. It was much easier to pretend that work was all that mattered. But Clark had shown her that there was more to life than work. Clark liked to mix play and work, like when they’d spent their whole stake-out at the Lexor playing board games. If Clark hadn’t been there, she would have just sat around, watching the offices across the way and sorting through research or catching up on other work.
She hadn’t accepted Clark for who he was—she’d turned him down in the park, and even before then, she’d compared him unfavorably to Superman quite a bit.
She’d apologized for not trusting his instincts about Lex, but she hadn’t changed her behavior. Even the past couple of days, she’d simply demanded that he trust her instincts and never asked him about his. She’d rubbed it in his face when she’d been right about Dr. Carlin, but Clark had never once said “I told you so” about Lex. Instead, he’d said, “I’m sorry that Luthor wasn’t one of the good guys.” That was Clark all over. Wishing that she hadn’t had to go through the pain of nearly marrying a gangster.
Lois stood up and began to pace. She didn’t like the secrets she was keeping from herself. Finding out that she hadn’t been a good friend, had simply taken Clark’s friendship… it wasn’t pretty. But if she was going to win his friendship back, she’d have to do something different.
So! Coffee: She might not know how Clark took his newsroom coffee, but she did know where to buy his “regular.” Confidences: She could start paying attention and actually asking him what was wrong if he seemed down. Attitude: She really needed to work on not belittling Clark, on showing that she did appreciate him. She’d been so afraid of him using her to further his own career that she hadn’t ever really told him how much he meant to her—except during Nightfall when he’d had amnesia and again on the day when she’d rejected his love, and that meant he probably hadn’t really heard that he was her best friend. Besides, she, more than most, knew how painful it was to be told or shown once in a great while that you were “important.” How many times had she wished her parents would forego Christmas gifts and simply tell her throughout the year that they cared about her?
She stared at the pile of lists on the table. There was more to find in that pile of information, she knew it. But she wasn’t sure she could handle learning another of her own secrets today. She stacked the lists and put them in her bedside table. Deal with this secret first, and then she could work on figuring out the next.
