Ambivalence
Rated T
A/N: Just an fyi--I'm stretching out the time Clark's without his powers and some events will be switched around. And also, I forgot my author's note on my last chapter. I'm going to plead sleep deprivation and sick children. Anyway! Thanks to Morgana for beta-ing chapter two and to KenJ & Morgana for beta-ing chapter three.
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Three weeks post-wedding…
It had been three weeks since Lois’ failed wedding. Franklin Stern had bought the Planet and managed to find temporary office space, but it was a cramped sea of beige cubicles and fluorescent lights—a far cry from the soul-filled newsroom at the Planet. They’d been there for a week, and Lois had expected the strangeness between her and Clark to be gone by now.
Once again she found herself studying him. His body was here, going through the motions. In fact, he seemed to be in the office even more than he’d been before. Maybe his memory was getting better. Regardless, Clark had closed himself off from her and everyone else. She’d done the same thing when Claude had broken her heart, until Clark had coaxed his way into her life and somehow changed her, made it possible for her to open up to others. Now Clark was the unreachable one. Any time she tried talking about their personal lives, Clark clammed up and changed the subject or calmly suggested that their time would be better spent on work. And now that things were winding down with the Luthor investigation, Perry had been putting them on separate stories. Lois hadn’t felt up to asking him if Clark had requested the time apart—she didn’t want to know.
It’s probably for the best, she told herself for the hundredth time. She needed to focus on overcoming this career setback. She needed to re-establish her credibility. She had no time for a relationship, even for a best friend. Plus, she cared about Clark too much to start anything romantically. She was the kiss of death to any relationship. He was much better off without her, and obviously, he’d figured that out. She sighed. If only she didn’t miss him so much.
**********
Clark resolutely studied his computer screen. He could feel Lois looking at him and he had no desire to return her gaze. Three weeks of distance between them—more really, since the distance had begun long before her wedding. Three weeks of investigating Luthor and uncovering the depths of his criminal activities. He could tell it was wearing on Lois, but couldn’t make himself comfort her. She was the one who had chosen Luthor, after all. It wasn’t his fault that she’d refused to listen to him. He hadn’t created the chasm between them, and he still wasn’t ready to try to bridge it. He wasn’t even sure it could be bridged anymore.
Superman hadn’t returned yet, though his super-hearing was beginning to return sporadically. He almost wished it hadn’t, that some other power would be first or that all his powers would come back at once. Every day people died because Superman was on vacation, and every day Clark died a little. His parents tried to help him, but they didn’t really understand—no one really could; no one had ever been in his position. Clark heard Lois sigh. He sighed too. They were both hurting, both running, both unable to be where they were, and there was nothing either of them could do about it.
**********
Perry sighed. From inside his office he could see Lois looking at Clark and Clark studiously ignoring her. He’d assigned them temporary desks where he could keep an eye on things, but it hadn’t helped him figure out what to do with those two. They were like his children, and he’d had such hopes. The four of them had rescued Lois, but it seemed like Clark had been the cost of that rescue. Perry had tried to talk to Clark a number of times, but the young man was more resistant to opening up about his feelings than ever before. He listened politely to any number of Elvis stories, but refused to talk about Lois.
Perry leaned back in his chair, staring at the Elvis portrait on his wall. He couldn’t decide if it would be better to keep his two star reporters busy on separate stories or throw them together for an extended period of time to force them to talk. Neither of them would react well if they were forced to do much of anything. He’d let them have their space for now, but if this coldness continued for much longer, he was going to get involved. The last thing he needed was for one of them to leave, or for his newsroom to go to hell in a handbasket.
**********
When Lois got home that night, she had a message from her sister Lucy. She wasn’t feeling up to talking to anyone, but decided she should probably check to make sure Lucy was okay.
*Ring* *Ring* *Ring*
“Hello.”
“Hey, Lucy, it’s me. I got your message. What’s up?” Lois said, kicking off her shoes.
“Hey, Lois! I was just calling to see how you’re doing.”
“Oh,” Lois said, winding the phone cord around her finger.
“C’mon, Lois, how are you doing?”
“I’m fine, Lucy. Thanks for asking. How’re you doing?” she answered, hoping her sister would leave it at that.
“Lo-is. This is me. I know I’m just your little sister, but I care. How are you really doing? How have things been with Clark?” Lucy asked, knowing that how things stood with Clark would give her a clear idea of how her sister was really doing.
“We’re working hard on the investigation.”
“And?”
“And”—Lois sighed—“Lucy, I can’t believe the stuff we’re finding about Lex. How could I have ended up with him?”
“You didn’t end up with him. Our mother said you didn’t marry him, and that’s why you won’t inherit anything.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I’ve always thought bad judgment in men was sort of hereditary for Lane women,” Lucy said sadly.
Lois wasn’t sure what to say to that. Lucy had ended up with a long string of losers, and it was true that her father was chronically unfaithful, and that Lois herself had ended up in a series of federal-disaster relationships. “But you’ve never gotten engaged to a many times over murderer,” Lois reminded her.
“I’m sorry, Lois.”
“Me too.”
“How’s Clark?”
Clark. Just thinking about him caused the ache in her middle to intensify. Lex had been bad enough. How was she supposed to handle all this without her best friend? She’d never realized how much she’d depended on Clark until he’d stopped being her rock. She’d never realized how different her life had been before he’d wormed his way in. She used to be self-sufficient. She’d never needed anyone before him. Her parents’ issues and divorce, the fiasco with Linda and Paul, as well as Claude’s betrayal, had all so completely shattered her ability to trust humanity that she’d stopped letting people in. She’d even kept Jimmy and Perry at arm’s length. But Clark had taught her how to be a friend, how to open up to people, and now she felt alone. She had Jimmy and Perry, but they weren’t Clark. She wondered what he would do if she went over to his apartment and begged him to take her back into his life.
No, it’s a good thing. This gives me time to re-establish my reputation. And anyway, when have I ever needed a man? she reminded herself.
Even as she thought it, she knew it wasn’t true, but she couldn’t face the fact that Clark had realized how unlovable she really was.
“Lois? Are you still there?” Lucy called.
“Yeah,” she managed, her throat tight.
“Lois, how’s Clark?”
“He’s—I don’t really know how he is. Not good, I guess. Oh Luce, I miss him so much,” she choked out.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know exactly, Luce. I mean, I know that it’s my fault for ignoring his warnings about Lex and for choosing Lex over him. Ever since my wedding, Clark’s been—well, he treats me like I’m a stranger. We still work together, but he’s polite now, almost to the point of coldness. I don’t know how to explain it, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
“I’m so sorry, Lois. That sounds awful.”
The sisters sat in silence for a moment, then Lois asked, “So, how are you doing?”
“Pretty okay. I’m still working at the club. I did meet a really great guy last week. We’ll see if he pans out.”
Lois thought briefly of warning Lucy to be careful, but then remembered she had no room to talk. At least Lucy still had the same job as when she’d talked to her the last time. “I’m glad you’re doing all right. Thanks for listening, Luce. I should probably—”
“Hey Lois?”
“Yeah?”
“I know how you feel about shrinks and all that, but I was just thinking that it might help to talk to someone about all this, especially since you can’t talk to Clark right now.”
“Mmm.”
“If you decide you want to talk to a professional—well, I never mentioned this before, but when I was living in Metropolis the last time, I saw someone and she was really great. I mean, obviously, I still have a lot to work through—who wouldn’t with our childhood?—but it felt good to get some of it out. Her name is Dr. Ruth Friskin. I can get you her information if you decide you want it.”
“Okay. I’ll think about it. Thanks, Lucy.”
“Sure, Lois. Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do. I hope things get better with Clark soon.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
“Bye then.”
“Bye, Lucy.”
As Lois hung up the phone, she thought about Lucy’s suggestion. Did she want to talk to someone? There were days when she felt like she couldn’t even breathe from the sheer amount of disaster. Her life was like a warzone. She still had no idea how she’d gotten herself into this place. Although, the more she’d thought about it, the more she’d realized Lex had a good deal to do with the disaster—in blowing up the Planet, he’d lobbed a bomb into her life. She’d never realized what a stabilizing force the Planet had been until it was gone. She’d felt cast adrift and desperate for any port in the storm. Lex had been that stability, especially given how rocky things had been with Clark and with Superman’s rejection. Perry had moved on. Jimmy had moved on. She’d never been able to depend on her family. She’d been alone, except for Lex. Clark had carefully refrained from imputing any motives to Lex for bombing the Planet, but she wondered if isolating her was part of Lex’s rationale. Of course, it was ultimately her fault for letting Lex into her life.
Abruptly, Lois went to the fridge. Thinking like this called for ice cream. So why had she agreed to marry Lex? Was it just the security he’d offered? She’d spent hours trying to make sense of the mess, trying to remember what she’d been thinking, but she’d been unable to find anything sensible about the whole thing. She’d arrogantly assumed that she knew how to run her life better than anyone else. Clark hadn’t offered any proof of Lex’s criminal activities—only vague warnings and a jealous manner—and Lex had seemed so charming. She didn’t usually trust people—especially men—but she’d trusted Lex and she trusted Clark and Superman. His philanthropy had convinced her, along with almost everyone else, that Lex had a good heart—in a way, she’d thought of him like Superman: using his powers for good. That had been the lens through which she’d viewed him.
Maybe a list would help? She put the ice cream away and went back to her bedroom. She changed into comfy clothes and pulled out a notebook. What had she seen in Lex? He was charming. He had a forceful personality—she couldn’t run over him, which was a must for her. And, even though she hadn’t been looking to become rich, the fact that she’d never have to worry about money had played a part in it, especially once the Planet was gone and she was facing the specter of unemployment. Plus, Lex had opened up possibilities—his wealth allowed him to offer her the ability to see the world and the status to see behind some of those closed doors. He’d been attractive—at least until the arrest, when she’d seen the arrogance and violence lurking beneath his exterior… although she had to admit that kisses with Clark or Superman had both moved her far more than any kiss with Lex. And she’d been flattered to have one of the world’s most eligible bachelors pursuing her.
It was amazing how she always ended up with such jerks. Maybe Lucy was right—Lane women were pathologically incapable of having relationships with nice guys.
Lois curled up in a ball on her bed and sobbed herself to sleep again.
**********
Clark stared at the phone. For some reason tonight he had the strangest urge to call Lois and see how she was doing. They hadn’t talked on the phone since that fateful conversation before her wedding. It was amazing how heavy the handset had become since then. He mentally shrugged. Even if Lois wasn’t doing well, she wasn’t likely to confide in him anymore. He’d driven her lover to his death after all. And the reality was that he still couldn’t bring himself to comfort her over the loss of Luthor.
He decided to take a quick jog. Ever since he’d lost his powers, it had been harder and harder to sleep at night. He was exhausted, but he had nightmares when he did fall asleep and insomnia the rest of the time, probably from worrying about what Superman wasn’t doing any given night. He’d never realized how badly he needed to help, or how small Metropolis was when you couldn’t simply fly anywhere in the world to take a break from being here. Jogging for a couple of hours before bed managed to wear him out enough that some nights he was too tired even to dream.
The first time Clark had gone night jogging, he’d been tempted to check up on the city, but quickly decided that until his powers returned, he’d have to be circumspect in where he went at night. It’d be ridiculous if he died in a mugging after escaping Luthor’s cage. By now he had a set route. It wasn’t as good as flying, but he liked jogging. It made him feel like he was getting somewhere, and there was something so soothing about the city’s quiet, the sound of his feet hitting the sidewalk, the cool of the evening. And the repetitive motion left his mind free.
He’d called his parents today, brimming over with frustration. He just wasn’t sure he could take being in the same newsroom with Lois much longer. His feelings remained frozen in ambivalence, so he doubted he could leave her, but he wasn’t sure how to stay without losing his sanity. His mother had suggested that he write it all down somewhere. She was right that he’d spent a lot of time writing during his teenage years and that it had helped. He remembered breaking down in his treehouse and writing about how he’d seen through a wall. It was the first time he’d been forced to accept that he was different. He’d been able to pretend that being stronger and faster than other kids his age was just a matter of good, normal human genes. Even the fact that he rarely got sick or hurt seemed like plain old good luck. But when he’d seen through that wall at school, and his parents had finally told him exactly how they’d found him—well, he’d gone from being a normal human boy to being a freak, all in the space of hours. And so he’d poured out all the confusion and anger into his notebook.
Writing hadn’t been his only way of dealing with his differences, but it had definitely been one of the main ones. He just wasn’t sure if writing down this situation was wise. After he’d become Superman, he’d been more careful than ever about what he actually put down on paper. And somehow, his emotions almost felt too raw for him to be able to write about them—at least not until they actually finished their Luthor investigation and he didn’t have to talk to Lois every single day. He grimaced. A break from Lois. Perry had been putting them on separate assignments with the exception of wrapping Luthor’s crimes up. He’d used that to go meet with sources when he couldn’t stand to be in the newsroom with her. He was thankful he had at least one out, even with Superman still MIA. Maybe after they finished the Luthor investigation, if he could figure out a way to do it secretly, he could do some writing….
**********
A week later, Clark bought a journal on his way home from work. He’d barely seen Lois this past week. Perry was assiduously keeping them on separate assignments—a fact Clark was grateful for. He wondered if Lois had asked Perry for the time apart. Whatever Perry’s reasons were, Clark wasn’t going to complain. He hoped Perry would keep them on separate assignments for the foreseeable future, at least long enough for Clark to sort through some things.
He’d thought long and hard about his mother’s suggestion to write it all out, and had finally decided to write the events of the past couple months under the guise of fiction. Superman could become a celebrity author who masqueraded as an ordinary reporter. Maybe it was a little close to home, but he had the feeling the closer the better in this instance. He needed some emotional distance to make sense, but not so much that it stopped being him, being them. The character of Luthor had given him pause. Clark felt he had to figure things out from his perspective and from Lois’ perspective. He supposed that meant he should at least outline some version where Luthor was who he said he was—a wealthy philanthropist businessman, a good guy.
Now home, he fingered the journal, flipping idly through the blank pages. Where to start? Should he start with how he saw things and how he felt? Or should he try to see things from Lois’ perspective first? He wasn’t sure he could do one without the other. Maybe he should start with his side. That might at least bleed off some of the emotion and make it easier to sit in the same newsroom with Lois, hour after hour. His stomach growled. This whole being ordinary thing was brutal. He put the journal down and began fixing dinner, still trying to mentally outline his story—where it would start, where it would end, and how it would get from one place to another.
**********
The next couple of weeks, things continued on in much the same vein. Occasionally Lois would invite Clark over for pizza and a movie, but Clark always told her that he had plans for the night. Things were so tentative between them that Lois didn’t even ask what his plans were anymore. The journal was progressing. He had to admit that once he’d gotten started, it was hard to put it down. Superman still hadn’t returned, although he could now write at superspeed which had helped the writing process along quite a bit.
Lola Dane had fallen like a ton of bricks for the famous author Charlie King—for all the good he did through his writing, for his body so well displayed in his Armani suits—all the while merely tolerating her reporting partner, Jerome Knight, who had fallen for Lola at first sight. Lyle Richards had tried to sweep her off her feet, and to an extent he had succeeded, but only because Lola was convinced that Charlie wasn’t going to pursue her.
Clark had gotten the characters introduced, and their relationships well-established and was now on to the sticky period of Lex’s proposal and the destruction of the Planet. It was hard to write. He didn’t like to remember the jealousy that had eaten him alive, the jealousy of Superman and the jealousy of Luthor. He also didn’t like to see how passive he’d been in his friendship with Lois: sure, he’d worked hard to establish a friendship with her—which was something of a miracle in itself since Lois didn’t let anyone close enough to be a friend, let alone a best friend—but he hadn’t even introduced the subject of romance before his declaration in the park. No wonder she’d been blindsided. She’d told him not to fall for her within days of meeting him, and that had been the last time they’d ever discussed the subject.
He still felt all the reasons for keeping his love for her hidden. He knew Lois, better than anyone, sometimes even better than she knew herself. She would never have kept him in her life if she’d felt at all threatened, and love threatened her.
He still didn’t understand why Luthor’s love hadn’t threatened her, but maybe it was because Luthor had come into her life as a potential suitor from the get-go—or at least from that first failed interview. She’d had time to adjust to Luthor’s attentions. Lois hated to be surprised in her personal life. He wondered what would have happened if he’d suggested moving their relationship beyond friendship before Luthor had proposed, although she believed herself in love with Superman, and Lois wasn’t a bigamist—she might have considered it a betrayal to fall in love with Clark. But then why wasn’t it a betrayal to fall for Luthor? Or had she not fallen for Luthor? Is that why his love hadn’t threatened her? Was it possible that Lois was more afraid of loving someone herself than she was of being loved? After all, loving someone was when you became vulnerable to them—having them love you didn’t make you vulnerable. Maybe she’d let herself love Superman because she’d created this fantasy where he would never hurt her, so it didn’t matter if she was vulnerable.
Did the fact that she had warned him off all those months ago mean that she had been attracted to him?
It was definitely an idea worth exploring, especially since they’d had the foundation of friendship coupled with, as the pheromone spray had proven, attraction. The elements of love had been present in their relationship….
Clark was also realizing that Lois couldn’t allow herself to be wrong. Once she’d committed herself to a course of action, she rarely wavered and never apologized. Given what she’d told Clark about her father, he was fairly certain that was Sam’s influence. If she ever made a mistake, then all those years when Sam had been critiquing her, telling her what a failure she was, he’d been right. Lois couldn’t admit that she was wrong about Luthor without admitting that she’d made a mistake. That meant that she couldn’t allow herself see through Luthor’s façade once she’d told Clark that it didn’t exist.
**********
Clark looked down at his notebook, reading over what he’d written. Today had been miserable. Lois had been on a rampage and even though they didn’t have stories together, he’d still ended up listening to her rant at him. He was fairly certain she was simply overwhelmed with all the things she’d missed seeing about Luthor, but that didn’t make him any less upset. He didn’t dare take out his feelings on her—if nothing else, it’d just widen the chasm between them, which would be a bad thing if he ever decided to pursue her. He sighed. He’d taken out his frustration by writing up a quick version portraying Lois as a shallow groupie, so in love with Superman that she couldn’t see past his powers, and enamored with Luthor’s money and power. But it hadn’t worked. If nothing else, writing it down had convinced him that Lois really did love Superman, for more than just his powers. Her statement that she would love him even if he were an ordinary man living an ordinary life echoed through his nightmares, feeding his pain and hatred, but she’d really meant it.
Sometimes it drove him nuts that she, who knew Superman and Clark Kent better than anyone else, couldn’t see their similarities. But then, he went out of his way to camouflage and minimize those similarities—was it really fair to blame her for not seeing what he tried so hard to keep her from seeing?
And there were the differences he cultivated and the differences he’d realized were simply the reality of having two separate identities—differences like the fact that Clark Kent often ran from trouble to “go call the police,” or whatever excuse he gave, and Superman ran to the rescue. He’d never thought about that from Lois’ perspective before. He hadn’t been able to work that element into his journal, but it was something that had hit him while he was outlining character biographies. He thought she knew Clark wasn’t a coward—after all, he was the one who had saved her from Mr. Makeup and had fought Trask in Smallville—but it was possible that Superman made her feel safer, simply because he saved her from trouble.
Regardless, he’d realized that, in a way, he’d made it impossible for Lois to love him because he’d never shown her the real him. The real him couldn’t always save the day for people, but Lois was convinced that Superman would, and the real him wasn’t always running away, but Lois thought that Clark did.
He’d always thought that he needed someone to fall for him as Clark before he would tell them about his Kryptonian heritage and all that went with it. He’d always thought he would share that with only one woman—the woman he married. But maybe it wasn’t fair to wait for her to fall for one half of him—and if he was going to say she only had to fall for half of him, well, Lois had fallen for Superman quite some time ago. And really, Lois was the only woman he’d ever fallen for, the only woman he’d ever wanted to marry, and she cared for both Clark and Superman. Maybe that was enough of a threshold. Maybe, if he wanted to move forward, he would have to show her his whole self—if he could ever actually decide whether he wanted to move forward or to get her out of his life permanently.
All at once it hit Clark that he was beginning to think of himself as one person. His mother had gotten onto him regularly for referring to himself in the third person, but he’d never realized the true depth of that separation. He’d split himself into two so carefully that somehow he’d lost touch with himself—the person who was both personas.
