This is my response to Queen of the Capes challenge about Wonder Woman’s magic lasso.
This is early season 1. I’ve taken a few liberties with timing, but please assume that the first few episodes were not back-to-back.
Thanks to Susan Young and my wife, Tiffany, for beta reading. DC for prompting me to consider writing this. Thanks to Lynn S. M., whose response to my “I’m Superman” discussion was heavily plagiarized.
As to ownership, any recognizable dialog comes from the corresponding episode. Superman and other characters in the Lois and Clark series belong to other people and no infringement is intended. Also, my sincerest apologies to Loki.
Feedback goes here.
FDK - Necktie of Truth Shallowford
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Lois groaned. She was struggling. Chained to her desk with no escape in sight. Perry would kill her if she didn't finish this copy. She looked at the open box containing the absurd gold necktie sitting next to her dying plant. Then she looked over Dr. Klein's press packet again. She tried to wade through the scientific gobbledygook, only seeing occasional words.
"A Physical and Physiological Study of Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth
...extraordinary properties...self-assembling austenitic
nanostructures...interactions with... electro neural field...
circulating blood...replicated in small scale....mental influence...
gold necktie".
Lasso of Truth. Lois had given up believing in lassos a long time ago. As a girl, for a time, she had watched westerns at every opportunity, drawn by the conflict of good and evil. She had determined that SHE would wear a white hat and bring evildoers to justice as well. She lived in the city and didn't have a horse, but decided she needed to start small. That little throwaway scene where the cowboy rides his trusty steed to the saloon and casually flicks the reins onto the hitching post looked like a perfect place to start.
Lois decided that any law(woman) would need to properly manage her horse, otherwise the bad guys would get away while she was looking for her faithful (but lost) transportation. Substituting her bedframe for the hitching post, for a week Lois tried the move using a belt. Nope. Then she tried a piece of rope. Nope again. She got in trouble when she tried to use the leather straps of her mother's purse but still no dice. She practiced relentlessly, but no matter how she tried she still couldn't get the perfect three-loops to form on the hitching post. Eventually her father explained about special effects and the dream was lost.
Lois looked up at Clark's desk. No rescue there. He still hadn't returned from meeting with their source for another story. Disappointed, her eyes stopped on the necktie again. It was a $300 silk tie by Gunter Wilhelm. Dr. Klein had commented that if this research account were ever audited a certain intern would probably be buying a really expensive tie. Still, the tie supposedly had the replica thread of the famous lasso wound into the lining.
She turned to her notes. The press conference had been a zoo, with normally professional reporters cracking jokes and acting like hecklers at a comedy show until Dr. Klein had thrown in the towel. Lois had asked reasonable questions before the breakdown and had tried to be a restraining influence during the mayhem; nevertheless, it was a surprise when he approached her as she was preparing to leave.
He outlined their research and presented her with a slim box while apologizing for losing the chance to show the tangible results of their efforts during the presser. Basically, Dr. Klein’s team had scanned the surface of the lasso and identified the materials. They were surprised to learn that the key structure, with the materials in the right form and right quantities, virtually self-assembled. They were able to compare a sample of their own against Wonder Woman's lasso and verify that it had similar properties, though their version had a very limited life. The box contained a tie which contained their thread.
"Why a tie?" Lois asked.
The official reason was that it simply made handling the fine thread easier. Unofficially, well, their intern had ideas about seeing it on one of the STAR Labs managers. Given the short life of the thread, Dr. Klein encouraged Lois to take the tie and experiment with it. Given the cost of the materials used, he wanted it back later. She promised to return the tie in response to Dr. Klein's joke about sending her a bill.
She plugged away at the story, hoping all the while that a Superman rescue would come up and free her, it was pure torture grinding out each sentence. Superman stories were becoming less the stuff of science fiction but they were still newsworthy. A good Lex Luthor interview might satisfy Perry, but Lex seemed even harder to contact than Superman. She almost regretted canceling last week's lunch meeting with the wealthy industrialist—she'd really regret it if it would've meant not writing this noxious story. Both Lex and Superman were attending the Key to the City ceremony that afternoon but it would be unrealistic to hope for any kind of meeting with either one afterwards. Perry had assigned her to cover the Mayor's award ceremony and she was looking forward to the break even though it probably meant working late afterwards to finish this story.
The elevator doors opened and Clark strode quickly to his desk, still scribbling on his notepad. The meeting with their source must have gone well. Lois decided to let him get organized before asking for he-... She couldn't admit she needed help, even to herself. She'd "consult” with him on the lasso story. They'd been working together for two months and it was obvious: She did corruption and in-your-face best; Clark did touchy-feely and science well. No comparison, just different strengths, she reasoned. Rather than question Perry’s editorial prerogative about the anchor around her neck, she glanced over at Clark, who was typing furiously.
She absolutely wasn’t completely focused on her partner. No, it must have been something else that caught her attention and made her realize that Clark had stopped typing. She saw his head pop up and recognized the look that came over his face as he stood.
'No. He's not leaving me. He's not abandoning me to deal with this story alone. Not again, I need him! He HAS to help me!' Lois thought. 'He is NOT leaving me here to deal with this ridiculous story alone.' She hurried around her desk to catch him. As she raised her hand to stop him it caught on the open tie box, sending the tie flying as she shouted, "Clark! Stop. What's your big secret? Where do you always go?" While she was speaking, part of her watched, fascinated, as the tie flew into a graceful arc, touched Clark's wrist and executed three perfect loops just like in the westerns.
Clark stopped instantly. Mid-stride.
With great apparent effort Clark released his arm and placed the tie back on Lois's desk. He shook his head with resignation. Then he took her hand and led her to the conference room, all thoughts of leaving evidently forgotten. Clark closed the door and the blinds behind them. Until this moment Lois didn't really believe there was anything to the Lasso story but as she turned and saw Clark's face she knew that it was completely real. That look was awe-inspiring in its intensity. He took a deep breath. She suddenly thought it would be a good idea to sit down.
He paced as he spoke. "Lois, we've worked well together the last two months. I think we've become good friends in that time. My big secret is that I've fallen absolutely head-over-heels for you. I know you said that you didn't have time for me to fall for you but it was already too late." Before Lois could respond, Clark raised his hand to stop her. "And I was leaving because someone needed Superman, but it sounds like they did OK without my help. Lois, I have some unique talents that I try to use to help people. Before Superman, I was always afraid that if anyone saw me using them, I would never have a normal life and everyone I cared for might be put at risk. I created the role of Superman so that I could use those talents and still be just plain Clark when I'm not rescuing anyone. I'm sorry Lois. I planned to tell you all of this when the time was right. Now I've probably ruined any chance for us. I honestly don't know why I'm telling you now," Clark finished. He sat down heavily and bowed his head in defeat.
Lois was stunned. Even though it was accidental and unintentional, she was ashamed to have had any part in this forced confession. Until now, she'd had no idea how dangerous the tie was. No one deserved to have their innermost secrets pried out of them like this, Clark least of all. He was loyal, and smart, and just plain nice. Clark was a good man--maybe the best man she had ever known, and for some reason he had wanted to be with her.
Had wanted. She groaned. Clark liked her?!! Even her potential relationships were federal disasters. She hadn't thought about it. Well, not since the towel incident at the Apollo. Not much, anyway. She didn't have a clue where to go from here. This wasn't his fault. It was hers if it was anyone's. Clark deserved a chance. Whatever happened, she made an oath to herself that this would not influence their potential relationship. She would cut Clark any slack necessary to allow things to progress or, more likely not progress, without this revelation hanging awkwardly between them.
"Clark." He didn't respond. "Clark, please look at me." He raised his head and the look of devastation on his face nearly overwhelmed her. "Clark, I am so sorry. You're my friend. I want to stay your friend regardless of whatever happens. I don't know about a relationship between us because honestly, I never considered it. You started working here. Then we were all busy with the stories about Superman. I've never seen the Planet so crazy. Let's just see what happens. OK? Besides, there are a lot of things about me that may change your mind." He looked up, a glimmer of hope on his face.
Lois stood and started pacing. "Look, you need to know about the press conference at STAR Labs this morning."
Hope changed to confusion, "Press conference?"
"Yes, 'press conference'." Lois confirmed. "Dr. Klein from STAR Labs recreated a version of Wonder Woman's lasso and they held a press conference about it. I was stuck on the story and was hoping you could help me with it before--well--before we came in here. Dr. Klein's sample was in that stupid tie that wrapped around your wrist. I just wanted your input on the story and you were about to leave and I was so frustrated. I honestly didn't think it would work...NOT that I was TRYING to make what happened...happen. I don't know. I guess I thought of it as STAR Lab's version of an early April fool's joke or something. Not something real. Clark, I am so very sorry." She slumped into a chair opposite his and related the details of the press conference and the discovery.
When she finished explaining about the tie and her problems with the story, Clark gave her a smile. "Lois, I'm sure your story is fine. I'd be happy to give you my input but it'll have to be after I get back from the Key to the City ceremony."
Her hackles rose. "You're covering the mayor's ceremony? Perry assigned me to cover it."
His eyes danced. "OK then. I'll be happy to give you my input after WE get back from the Mayor's award ceremony. You're covering it. I'm receiving the award."
“You’re ... receiving?” Oh crap. He DID say that he was Superman, didn’t he? Clark Kent is Superman. Clark Kent is Superman. She sat there dazed until Clark intervened.
“Lois, are you OK?” Was she OK? She was a little stunned but she nodded. “If you’re sure you’re OK then I should get some work done on the story before I have to go. Can we get together after work tonight to discuss...things?” She agreed and he began walking toward the conference room door.
The ultimate Superman story. The biggest story of her life and she didn’t want it. She didn’t want the story of the lasso, either. Something clicked. Dr. Klein had stressed how easily the molecular structure was to assemble with the correct conditions. She started imagining what the criminal elements in the city would do with the power of something like the Lasso in their grips....
“Oh, no! Clark!” Clark stopped instantly, mid-stride, for the second time today. She continued, “What will happen when we publish the Lasso story? How would anyone actually use it? I had mild thoughts about using it during interviews.” As his head snapped up she shook her head. “After this? No way. I could see the courts putting a lasso around a witness stand or something. While I’m sure there are ethical issues about the government compelling testimony, I think the main issue is bigger than that. Dr. Klein stressed how easy this material is to make. When we publish, every idiot with a backyard chemistry set is going to make some. Worse, you know organized crime has the resources to reproduce the material and even the research if they know it’s possible.”
He was nodding. “That is, if they didn’t just break into STAR Labs and steal it.”
She leaned back in her chair and waved her arms at the ceiling. “It’ll be a disaster! I can see it now, ‘FLIP. Hello Mr. Bank Manager. Would you mind telling me the passcode for the bank alarm?’ No more secrets. National security would be impossible. ‘CLICK. Sorry Mr. President, the seatbelt you just put on has a little surprise. Now, please tell me your nuclear launch codes.’”
Clark paled, knowing this was no exaggeration. “So how do we stop it? We can talk to Perry and I’m sure he’d kill the Planet’s story, but what about all of the other journalists that received the press release?”
“Seriously Clark, you should have seen them. They were acting like drunks at a frat party. I don’t know if they could put two paragraphs together between all of them. But you’re right, there’s enough information in the press packet to do the damage. Maybe you could—or Superman could—take the tie back to Dr. Klein and talk to him. Maybe he can issue a retraction or something. Barring that, I’m about out of ideas. Calling the FBI could be just as bad as if we called the Boss directly. They'd use it and the first person they interrogated would inform the mob.”
"I'll work on the tie. You see what Perry says,” he proposed.
She gave a little grimace and rolled her eyes playfully. "Fine, just leave me with the hard part."
Clark was only out of the conference room a few seconds before he was back. "I think we're in trouble. The tie's gone. Come have a look at this." Lois followed him to her desk where a note and a blue tie with green and yellow spots was sitting.
She picked up the note. The letterhead read, 'Lex Luthor, Metropolis.' She read the note:
My Dearest Lois,
I dropped in on my way to the Mayor's presentation. I was
hoping for a quick word but, tragically, I do not see your
shining face in the office. I was disappointed we were unable
to share lunch last week. Please accept my invitation to
dinner this evening.
Unfortunately on my way in I ran into a creature named
"Ralph" and you see the damage before you. I believe it is
mustard and horseradish. I beg your forgiveness for borrowing
the tie. I am sure you intended such a magnificent article
for a worthy individual. I leave my tie as surety of its return.
I have heard that Lois Lane is prepared for any circumstance and
I must say I appreciate your meticulous preparation in this case.
Your Humble Servant,
Lex
Lois shook her head. "He was stopping by for a 'quick word' and brought his own stationery?" She looked up, startled. "Omigosh! We have to catch him!" She turned toward the elevator but Clark's hand on her arm stopped her.
"He's gone. I already checked," he said, tapping the frame of his glasses.
"You already...checked? Oh! You mean you...?" She waved her fingers toward the floor in the direction of the parking structure. He nodded.
"Unfortunately, it's too early for him to go straight to the presentation. He might have a meeting or something. I can look but unless I spot his limousine I'll have to catch him at the ceremony." Lois agreed.
* * * * * * * * *
With the Key ceremony closing in, Lois managed to convince Perry to hold off on the lasso story until they had a chance to discuss their approach in more detail. Clark briefed her when she arrived at City Hall and explained that Luthor was probably meeting with the Mayor and Deputy Mayor before he and Lois even left the Planet. Superman had spoken with Dr. Klein and explained their concerns. A retraction "pending further research" was possible, but the doctor cautioned that the morning’s press packet really contained all the information needed to do the damage.
* * * * * * * * *
There was no chance to speak to Luthor privately before the dignitaries exited City Hall for the award, including the Deputy Mayor, the Police and Fire Chiefs, and previous recipients of the Key. The crowd erupted in a frenzy of Super-mania when Clark flew in as Superman and the Deputy Mayor started the proceedings immediately. She introduced the previous recipients that were gathered and then spoke a few words of gratitude to Superman on behalf of the city. She motioned for Lex Luthor to approach the podium. “Last year's recipient is a well-known philanthropist and employer admired by all of Metropolis and will be presenting the award today. Mr. Luthor, please give us your thoughts.” Applause greeted Lex’s approach.
Lex straightened the gold tie as he came forward to the microphone. “Superman....My thoughts on Superman. What can I say?” Lex appeared uncertain for a moment and held the sides of the podium. Then he appeared to relax. He faced Superman and spread his arms wide. “Ladies and gentlemen, citizens of Metropolis, let us all welcome Superman to Metropolis. Superman came to us a stranger, but his deeds have not gone unnoticed. Shakespeare said ‘know thyself.’ Personally, I prefer Sun Tzu, who said ‘know thy enemy.’ After all, knowledge of the enemy is the crucial step to victory. Over these months we have gotten to know Superman and his marvelous capabilities.” He turned and gestured to the Police Chief. “Our Metropolis Police have worked tirelessly to catch criminals for years, but as we have all witnessed, the needle has not moved much. The police knows the mob and the mob knows the police, and this situation has continued, unchanged, unchallenged, from the founding of Metropolis. Despite their hard work, the police have not managed to change the face of organized crime. In just a few short months, however, Superman has changed all of that.” The fans responded with a cheer. Lex waited for calm and continued. “On a personal note, some might say that Superman presents a challenge to me for the hearts and minds of the people of Metropolis.” He shook his head. “I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth. Superman has finally presented the me with a worthy adversary.”
He raised his hand and ticked off each point on his fingers. “The bodies I’ve dumped in Suicide Slum won’t be receiving any company now because of Superman’s X-ray vision. Sorry about that, Senator Patrick.” At the mention of the murdered senator a murmur began in the crowd. Behind Lex, the Police Chief’s eyes went wide. Lois was stunned. Senator Patrick’s murder investigation had produced nothing but dead ends and Lex was all but confessing. She had wondered if the tie might have an effect on Lex, but nothing like this. For his part, Clark was too astonished to respond.
Lex continued, “In the past, any old location would do for a ‘business’ meeting. Now, I have to arrange them underground or out of the city. Worse, everything has to be in code thanks to his enhanced hearing. It's a very tedious process." With each word the microphone seemed to be leeching away more and more of the Luthor charm and elitist veneer, revealing a mobster in a two thousand dollar suit. "Before Superman, diverting the police was relatively simple. A robbery with a few expendables worked fine to mask any serious work-- like Takata Jewelers last year. Now events must be planned with precision thanks to his great speed or both teams are likely to get caught. Case in point: Sinclair Electronics and Gotham State Bank last month.” His voice rose as he pointed to Superman. “In fact, thanks to Superman, it’s become harder and harder to keep the politicians and police under control. Bribes are up, profits are down, and more store owners are refusing to pay their protection money.”
The assembled citizens were growing uglier with each disclosure. Clark decided if things got much worse he would capture Luthor for his own protection rather than let the crowd get him. On the stage opposite Superman, the Police Chief was frantically miming “handcuffs” to the officers in the security detail.
Lex either didn’t notice any of the activity around him, or he just didn't care. He leaned into the microphone and spoke conspiratorially, “I’d just kill him--but we haven’t found anything that will hurt him yet. He ATE the bomb we planted on the shuttle. Oh, yes. I’d kill him if I could.” He threw up his arms. “Seriously people, the man flew a shuttle into space. Do you know how hard it is to plan around something like that?“ He chuckled. “Do you know how much money that shuttle stunt cost me? Millions. All the plans for Space Station Luthor wasted. Platt was an expected casualty but Toni Baines had such nice legs.” He straightened himself, took a deep breath and spread his arms wide. “Well, it’s definitely a challenge but I’m the Boss and everyone expects me to have the answers.” He picked up the Key and turned toward Superman, still intending to present the award.
As Lex turned, officers ran up the steps to the podium and attempted to grab his arms. He broke free and shouted, “How dare you touch me? I am like a god. You are all beneath me. You will not take me alive.” Lex jumped dramatically off the edge of the platform, only to land on his face in the grass six feet below. Officers were on him immediately and had him stuffed in a squad car like a Christmas goose before anyone in the crowd could react.
* * * * * * * * *
Lois and Clark needed to retrieve the tie, but Lois had to call in the story of Lex Luthor's breakdown to the Planet despite the delay they knew it would cause. After the story had been transcribed, Lois spoke with Perry about the Lasso research article. He figured Lex's story had bought them a day at most, but they needed to come up with an angle that wouldn't contradict the press release and also wouldn't open Pandora's Box. Perry insisted that they get an article in print quickly before anyone made a connection between Lex and the Lasso research.
When Lois and Clark arrived at the police precinct, Lex had already been booked. Lois tried to speak with anyone involved with Luthor about retrieving the tie but it was an exercise in futility. She finally resorted to hunting Detective Henderson down at his precinct and showing him Lex’s note and the stained blue tie. Henderson gestured toward the note and said, "Unfortunately, this isn't a receipt and evidence won't let you have the tie without one. Common sense says that Luthor got the tie from you, but common sense and a good lawyer will get your tie back three years after he gets out of prison. Give me the note and his tie and I'll handle it." An hour later, Henderson called Lois and Clark into his office and returned the tie.
With the day’s work done, Clark was hoping to spend more time with Lois and potentially clear the air about Superman. He proposed they walk to her apartment and she agreed. It was a leisurely stroll arm in arm and they speculated how much of the Luthor criminal enterprise would be uncovered before another Boss took over and the leads ran dry. Lois held the tie in front of her and said, "Think of the havoc this thing has already caused. Well, Dr. Klein stressed that this thing would have a short life. Lex's little meltdown must have burned it out." She turned to him thoughtfully. "Would you mind making sure it's really dead?"
His eyebrows went up. "Gee Lois, didn't we have enough confession time earlier?"
Embarrassed, she said, "No, no, that's not what I mean. I have no idea what it felt like when the tie was working. I'm just suggesting you hold the tie and try to tell me something outlandish and if you can't, we'll know."
Clark took the tie and starts his outlandish stories by saying that in junior high school he once got busted for breaking curfew in Ohio.
"Didn't you grow up in Kansas?" she asked.
"Yep--that's what makes it outlandish." He winked. She leaned into him as they walked. "Let me see, I've never been drunk. I can order dinner in 347 languages. I was taught to dance by a Nigerian princess." He went on and on and Lois started chuckling as his claims got wilder and wilder. He concluded with, "Oh, and I have bookends made from moon rocks, and I once lifted a space shuttle into orbit. Your turn now. Tell me something outlandish." He handed her the tie.
She wrapped the tie around her hand and started to say that she planned to dye her hair blue but nothing happened. The words would not form in her mouth. Crap! Clark. Superman. He wasn't lying about any of it and the tie still worked. She was still wrapping her head around those facts when they said goodnight.
The next morning they worked on a strategy for the Lasso story. Clark had gone to "return a video" when Bobby Bigmouth called with the answer. They added a few sentences to Lois's original article:
It is rumored that when STAR Labs completed their studies of Wonder
Woman's Lasso they asked Superman to return it. Sources speculate
that Lex Luthor's breakdown during the Key Ceremony yesterday
was caused by proximity to the Lasso that Superman was carrying.
Perry was immensely pleased with the story. "Elvis's Ghost! It's the perfect poison! Regardless of what the Metropolis Star or the other rags publish about the research, no crook in his right mind is going to want to be within a mile of that formula now! I imagine a few politicians will be worried as well." He was still laughing when he waved them out of his office.
Clark followed Lois to her desk. "I don't understand something, Lois. Did Bobby say where the rumors came from and which sources were speculating?"
Lois grinned, "Yep. He started the rumors and speculation himself—and he put the same word out on the street."
"Did he say why?"
Her grin became larger. "I asked him that myself. He said, 'Self-preservation Lois, self-preservation. You gotta think of the big picture. A thing like that gets out and how am I gonna eat?'"
He shook his head. "That's Bobby. Always looking at that big picture. Well partner, it's about time for a break. How about lunch? There's a Caribbean restaurant over on Fifth I've been hearing about."
As they were walking to the elevator Lois looked at Clark. She smiled as she realized she was looking forward to Clark asking her on a date. Maybe at his favorite Chinese restaurant.
